Sashiko-inspired mending embroidery

So I bought this skirt for myself for... I think my 24th birthday. I have loved it so much and worn it until threadbare. I started mending it about a year ago and have kept adding patches to it continuously. I think one day I might have only patches left, and none of the original fabric. I love the idea.

The method I'm using is inspired by the ancient Japanese technique "sashiko", which is originally made into intricate patterns in white on blue background, but my simple technique is still very functional for strengthening the fabric.

There are patches both on the inside and the outside.

Now it's two minutes to midnight and thereby 2014. I guess we're pausing "the holy grail" and having dry cider on the balcony.

New Year

New goals. I hope I find a job.

My new years resolution will be to create one thing every day. I will try to post them all. Here and on my Facebook page, kitten queen. Follow me there!

Nightlife

I'm out with a friend and we're feeling old. We're not very social but it feels pretty good to be around people. Even if we're both boring and old.

I didn't do any of the things I was gonna do.

Tomorrow I'm going to Lund.

Love love love

My darling sweetheart gave me a month of spotify. I love him. And music. Mmm. Thank you.

Friday passed by quickly. Tomorrow I'm going to bake cookies. And apply for a job. Yes.

Maybe go to Lund too. We'll see.

Yes very good

Totally broke my sleeping schedule. Fell asleep around eight, woke up around two. Now it's five in the morning and I'm super awake. Cool.

Yes hello

I'm so tired all the time.

I haven't applied for the job. But I made dinner and dishes and tidied up a bit in the kitchen. And I made a little book.

I'm so tired.

What

I'm broken. I must be. I'm not working properly. I woke up at noon today and now it's midnight and I'm going back to bed.

Tomorrow it's Friday. I'm going to apply for a job. That's my whole list. Nothing else. The only thing I have to do tomorrow is apply for a job. One.

Today I took a shower and did some dishes and cleaned up a little in the bathroom. And I met a friend for a while.

My energy levels are really bad. I must be broken.

Survivor

So I did the Christmas thing yesterday and I survived. Today I'm tired.

I got some awesome presents though.

Nej

Nej nej nej nej nej nej.

Vill inte. Allt blir bara skit. Alltid. Allt går alltid åt helvete. Jag mår skit. Jämt. Jag orkar inte. Orkar inte sängen full av jord. Orkar inte jul. Orkar inte illasittande trasiga kläder. Orkar inte. Vill inte. Kan inte.

Vatten över huvudet

Jag promenerar långsamt. Mina fötter gör ont. Igår firade jag yalda, en persisk midvinterhögtid. Jag är trött. Jag vet att jag inte borde ta ut mig så fort jag börjar må lite bättre men jag gör det ändå. Varje gång, utan undantag.

Igår träffade jag en kompis, sen gick jag upp till avdelningen, sen träffade jag Irena och Michal, sen körde de mig till folkets park där jag var till midnatt och dansade tills jag var genomblöt av svett. Det var en bra dag men idag är jag känslomässigt utmattad. Imorgon blir jag utskriven. Ytterligare en stressfaktor.

Kvinnan som bjöd in mig till Yaldafirandet heter också Yalda och är helt fantastisk. Hon är kanske runt sextio och pratar knappt någon svenska och har dessutom olika långa ben vilket gör det svårt för henne att gå. Jag tror att hon har otroligt ont. Trots det är hon alltid glad och dansade nog mer än mig igår. När hon dansar syns det inte att hon är handikappad. Som om det är meningen att hon skulle dansa.

Jag lärde känna henne när jag kom in åå avdelningen, vi delade rum första veckan eller så.

Då var stämningen där alltid rolig och bra, människor i alla åldrar som mest var ledsna, inte så farligt galna. Nu är det mest äldre kvinnor som är rätt ordentligt galna. Det är lite tråkigt men jag har träffat folk där som jag hoppas på att vara vän med länge. Som Yalda, som inspirerar mig med sitt soliga humör, M som är världens yngsta femtioåring, J som är ängslig men snäll, T som nästan känns som en familjemedlem, K som är min nuvarande, jätteroliga rumskompis, J som är fantastiskt intelligent och rolig, I som är dagisfröken och nästan lika liten som barnen hon jobbar med. Många fler. Som jag verkligen tycker om, mycket.

Nu finns det en gammal kvinna som sitter och skriker "maten är lagom varm!" Eller "slutet är nära!" och en annan som tror att man pratar med henne varenda gång man pratar och en som sjunger hela tiden. "Det finns inget vackrare än sanningen, sanningen, sanningen."

Det har varit fem märkliga veckor.

Silent night

Listening to music. Enjoying it thoroughly. A friend of mine gifted me a month of spotify premium and I'm listening to radio based on a wardruna song. Gothy and a bit of black metal and folk. Yummmm.

Very "winter is coming"-feel. Painting my nails again. The last time it failed.

Skyped with Maria for a bit, a long bit, it was lovely.

Dark plum purple this time. I like it. Smoking my e-cigarette.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my mom and then I'm going to buy some glögg, swedish spiced mulled wine, and some nice cheese and gingerbread dough and having a very nice evening.

In the right direction

The only way is up! I'm getting better. It feels good.

Most of the guys at the ward who I became friends with have gone back home or on to treatment facilities. And I'm going home on Monday.

I've had free permission to sleep at home and go out whenever I want but on Monday I'm going home for real.

Now I'm painting my nails and watching Disney movies and knitting Christmas presents.

Just december

Not really Christmas. I'm sitting in my bed at the ward, listening to music and crocheting. Feeling strange and empty. Lonely. But I don't want to be with anyone.

I can smell hospital food. There's minus eighty three crowns on my account. It's raining outside.

Like birds

Embroidered some birds on a t shirt

Lucia science fiction special feature

Barbarella, brownies and crafting. A great night so far. Barbarella is funking amazeballs. Pygar the sexy blind angel, a not just strong but also smart and sensual and confident female lead, it passes the bechdel test beautifully, it's just all wonderfullness all the time. The bit with the dolls and the bit with the birds are both truly creepy. Gods. There's the mathmos that gives the city of night electricity (I think?) in return for hateful thoughts and also flesh.

There's the hairy child collector of the frozen forests and Duran Duran and "Dildano" the revolutionary and the harmonic sex and the "uncivilized" kind. The civilized way seems incredible tho.

Elsa the kitten is asleep on my leg and it feels like a great honor. C is untangling embroidery threads and KS is playing the new version of Terraria and J is mostly eating it seems.

Elsa is dreaming now, her kitten feet twitching madly.

This movie is hilarious. This cat is incredibly sweet. This company is wonderful. What a sweet funking night.

Cotton yarn cross stitch

Tried out some cotton yarn cross stitching thing the other day. Not fun, would not embroider again.

I'll get by

Medicated feelings

I'm okay.

My feelings are muted. They're there and I can feel them but I don't really know what they want?

I have a new roommate and there's a woman in the ward who gets electric shock therapy.

I'm tired. I sleep a lot.

Beeep

Today they're going through all the wards and testing the alarms. For hours there's been a constant beeping. It's horrible. There's a guy here who has some trouble with his temper who almost exploded at breakfast.

I'm still tired from last night and went back to bed after breakfast and a meeting with a counselor type person. She told me about stuff that I can do and help I can get to make my life work again. Felt good. But falling asleep in the noise is not easy.

Now I should try to wake up and maybe take a quick shower and have another cup of tea before I go home and do the laundry.

Another day in paradise

So today I had a long, stressful, confusing and pretty bad day. I had a stupid and meaningless fight, I was tired, my confidence is crap (I'm in a fucking mental institution, good luck feeling on top of shit) and stuff in general is shitty.

Ended with a game of scrabble at the ward and it was fun. It feels nice hanging out with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh at it. And we do, and we laugh at the fact that we're laughing. We tell each other that our craziness is okay and laugh at it. We're all here. We all have reasons. I can forget about my life and all the crap and all the things I've done that have lead me here. I can forget about how I have failed completely. I'm normal here.

And when I'm not here that feeling lingers for a while. It follows me out into the world.

I'm getting new meds soon. And tomorrow I'm going home to do some laundry.

Hello from the ward

So I've not told very many, close friends and my parents, but I committed myself to a psyche ward. Because of the suicide thing. Or, because I wanted to do it, I had a plan. I had sleeping pills and I was gonna get some booze and a knife and get in a hot bath. Make sure it was gonna work. Make sure I was alone.

I didn't do it though. I came here and I've been here a week now.

It helps me. I feel better. I still cry and ask the nurses why it's so important that I stay alive, I've been alive for almost thirty years, can't that be enough? If I don't want to live, why do I have to? Why?

But today me and a couple of the other patients played scrabble and talked about literature and poetry and movies and cigarettes and a lot of other things and it feels good to be with people who also feel like shit. We can laugh about it.

Today I feel like shit

Reality comes back, bared teeth, hot breath. Sharp claws resting against my throat.

I freeze up, feel sick. My appetite dissappears and I get tired and apathetic. Crawl up inside, eyes tightly closed. But the monster is real and won't go away.

More invisible clawmarks on my skin. More deep and painful wounds. Unbearable pain. Failure, again. Always.

Zero percent

That's how much I know about the world. There is no way for me to foresee the effects of my death. So I'm not going to kill myself.

I just don't want to be alive.

Shitty shit

So today I found out that I won't be getting any money. I thought I was. The let down floored me and I went into some kind of suicidal stupor type of thing. I slept for five hours or so and woke up again around eight when my dad called.

Talking to him made me feel a little bit better and eventually I managed to eat some food and even make some hot chocolate. And I took a bath! And washed my hair! So living through this day and washing my hair and eating food; I must say that I'm impressed. Even though the thought of suicide was one of the things that got me through the day.

It's been a safety net for me for a few years now. When I have panic attacks or just feel insanely depressed I think about killing myself and I feel better. I don't know why but lately I've started being worried about how realistic those thoughts have become.

Ben has been kinda not awesome today but besides being a bit mad at him I just feel... well, nothing. I don't really care. I wish he would have been more present and supportive but he's not and I don't really care. My parents have been. And that's kinda surprising. I love them.

How is this supposed to work

Sometimes it hurts too much. Sometimes I just don't understand how so much pain can fit inside one person.

I feel pathetic. Useless. Lonely, so lonely, I hate being lonely.

There's a scream inside me, without beginning or end. The scream I'm constantly not screaming. I'm cold all the way into my soul. I'm a desert. I'm dead.

I'm a fucking emo. I despise myself for it. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

Feels

Normally I get to bed pretty late but today I'm pretty tired. So I'm going to bed super early in stead.

Miss my darling. Miss him so much. All the time.

We're working out the issues that arise in polygamous relationships. It's going well. But I worry, because I am a human. I want to have a full life even though I love someone who is very far away from me. I want hugs and cuddles and stuff.

Also the last episode I watched of Fringe was so sad.

Otherwise it's been a good day. Done dishes and vacuuming and some tidying up. Talked to people I like.

Now I'm just really cold. Ugh.

Led bones

So tired, heavy. Body and mind moves slowly if at all. Every thought is painful, like I broke my brain and it's not healed. Every movement, electrical impulse, makes it start bleeding.

I miss Ben really bad. It hurts how much I miss him.

Papers. Important papers.

Just found a big stack of them. Hiding in a drawer.

It makes me so stressed that I feel sick. I feel stupid and I can't read what it says and there's a buzzing in my head that just won't stop.

I need help but there's no one to help me.

Today's symptoms

So today my depression is mostly physical. Sweating or cold sweating, nausea, stomach ache, tired and confused. Breathing is a bit difficult. Dizziness and sometimes black spots in my vision or slight tunnel vision.

It sucks so hard. I know that if I don't take it easy now I'm gonna have a panic attack, but taking it easy is so hard. I feel super stressed out about looking for work and making important calls and sending important emails but I can't. I need to lie down and breath deeply. Moment 22. Ugh.

Depression diary

Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.

Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.

And a bit nauseated.

Ugh

Its sunday afternoon and my head hurts. I just had breakfast and now I'm drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette. 

I feel creative and frustrated about because I can't get it out. I can't do the things I want to do. 

But soon I'm moving south! I feel optimistic, more so than I've felt in a while. 

Hello

Been in such a turbulent mood today. Wavered between calling my psychiatrist and being over the moon. 

Now it's super duper late and I'm really happy and I feel like my life might come together somehow. Not sure how but still. It might work out. 

Miss Ben. But I'm so happy that I get to be his girlfriend and see him smile and talk to him. I'm so in love. 

Sick

I smoked too many cigarettes and didn't drink enough water. My head hurts and my stomach. 

I'm confused and sad and sometimes it feels like I'm getting a grip of that elusive little sliver of thread that will let me unravel this mess, but mostly I just cry a lot and feel apathetic. 

Fear

Maybe I'll never be happy. Maybe I'll always be falling, falling. 

I'm frightened and my heart is hurting. I want my life to begin but I have no idea if it ever will. I don't know what I want. I don't know anything. 

I want to make things, paint things. Be creative. Unstoppable, happy, on fire. 

Maybe that's my goal. A small cottage. A bit of savings. Try to live of my art and crafts and writings. Jewelry. My dreams. 

A house in the forest, a dog. Far away. 

Sigh

Got an email from the place I was at an interview, saying I didn't get the job. 

Time to take a deep breath and give this more effort. I need a job. Now. Yesterday. 

But the whole catch 22 thing drives me around the bend, I really need a counselor or something like it. I need to talk to a doctor, I need calm and routine to get the energy to actually manage to do a good job at looking for a job... But to get that I need a job. Ugh.

It all makes me so tired. 

Klipp dig och skaffa ett jobb

[clip day aw skaphah eht job] cut your hair and get a job

I'm at Dina's place in Lidingö, a large island that can be described as a suburb to Stockholm I guess. 

I went to a job interview last week and I really really really hope I get it, even though it would be hard to get time off to visit Ben. I'm going to ask Dina if I can print some cv's and hand them out at a lot of shops tomorrow. And I'm gonna translate it and apply for jobs in England as well I think. 

I feel directionless, I know where I want to go but it's a long way into the future right now, the path isn't clear. I don't know how to get there or even if I can. If I ever will. 

It makes me sad to feel that way and the sadness makes me apathetic. 

But I try to fight it. 

I should try to find a job somewhere else than in Stockholm I guess, it's so expensive to live here. 

I'm thinking of Enköping, a town an hour or two from Stockholm. A childhood friend lives there and I think saving money would be easier there. 

Being homeless and broke isn't all it's cut out to be. 

First off I'm gonna make a bunch of important phone calls. I hate making phone calls. But I'm gonna do it, right now. 

Failjacks/flapfails

I made flapjacks a couple of days ago. The chewy, delicious, moist English treats, you know? I made them with honey instead of syrup. Unfortunately the honey had a strange aftertaste that made the flapjacks taste... Well, strange.

I tried again today. Using the exact same ingredients as several blogs had listed. And the same temperatures and times. I put chopped pecans and figs in there. 

What I learned: 200 degrees Celsius is too damn high a temperature. And to put the pan pretty low in the oven. 

A complete recipe will follow when I manage to make good flapjacks! 

Another day already?

I was so sad and angry last night. Now I feel empty. 

I dreamt about food. And Texas, and Nenni. I should call her. 

It's eleven thirty and I'm trying to motivate myself to get out of bed. It's hard. 

Heavy

Some days I feel like I can do anything. Some days I feel like I'm buried under a ton of rocks. 

Today is one of the latter. 

Just CAN'T. 

Hey yeah

I miss Ben. I miss my chair. I miss my closet. I even miss the fucking carpet. 

Ute och cyklar

[Ewteh aw sick-lahr] Out riding a bicycle (slang for being completely out of the loop)

So the last few days my good friend Irena has dragged me out for bike rides, and I realized that it was approximately six years ago I last even touched a bicycle. (The last time might have been when I fell off and broke my collarbone) My behind is quite tender.

Trying to update my CV and stuff. Stresses me out. Difficult. Need to go find important papers and stuff. Also stressful. And now I'm getting hungry too. Sigh.

Good morning

I'm awake. A couple of hours earlier than the last few days. Got a lot to do today. 

I "relocated" to Irena's place and it feels pretty good. She came with me to the "work agency" thing (arbetsfömedlingen) for moral support and waited for like three hours. I have the best friends. I have no idea how I deserve them. 

I felt a bit insecure and asked her if she thought that there was something wrong with me. I'm 29 and I get myself in these situations. Broke with no job and nowhere to stay. I'm confident that I'll find a job and everything will work out but what if I'm just stupid? What if I'm doing it all wrong? 

She said that I shouldn't worry. That I'm brave and that I don't let norms control me. I'm not crazy. I just do what I want. 

I felt very happy to hear that. It's hard for me to explain the difference between nuts and brave as well as Irena did but it was still a great thing to hear. 

Hello Sweden

I'm back "home", although I'm pretty much homeless here. And broke. Feels much better than I thought it would though! Probably because I'm at Tindra and Oscar's place and it always makes me happy to be here. I feel pretty much at home with these people. I love them like family and their home has been one of the very few constants in my life the past year. 

The trip back to Sweden was horrible. It felt awful to leave Ben and it was a 21 hour trip with seven hours in Warsaw. I cried a lot. But now I feel pretty good and more relaxed. I even managed to get right into the time zone! 

I'm going to make this work. I'm going to make sure my telephone is working again and register into the official work-finding-thingie and find a job and a cheap place to stay, here in Stockholm or someplace else. Wherever. And I'm gonna pay my debts and save up for a ticket back to Texas. And I'm going to pay Ben back some of the money he's been giving me wether he wants it or not. 

chatting

it's almost four
I hate when Ben leaves
the days are okay but the nights are the WORST
I stay up late just so I can sleep for long so that time passes faster...

So yeah, it's really late and this is blog post number 900. Today I wrote a bit on my book, painted my nails, hung out with Rose, played Guild Wars 2 and... that's pretty much it I guess. I went swimming, I ate a lot of candy and pretty much no "real" food except a frozen mac-n-cheese that was supposed to be fancy but tasted pretty horrible. (Rose liked hers though.)

Oh and I watched Twin Peaks, ep1s02. Curiouser and curiouser. The owls are not what they seem. Oh Lynch you crazy dude.

Nails are now a shade of pearly pink that I can't decide if I love or hate.

Goodnight. Or morning. Or whatever time it is when you read this, dear reader.

---edit---
tried to get this post to look normal but srsly guise it's super late and I'm goin to bed instead

Bleep bloop.

It's kinda late. My body feels strange. My mood is strange. Ben is camping for the last time and I miss him so much. It's like just because I know it will be over soon it's so much more difficult now. I don't know. 

I'm thinking a lot, like there's a beehive in my head, my brain won't shut up. Ideas and thoughts and wants and fears and dreams. Jumbled. I pick up my knitting, and get tired of it. I start playing computer games but get tired of that. I watch Twin Peaks and I really want to know what's gonna happen but I just can't put the next episode on. The bees from my head spread into my entire body, I'm restless, I'm going crazy. I download new games to my phone but they're no fun after a couple of levels. 

I think I've just been cooped up for a couple of days and I'm tired but my body still has energy to use up.

Maybe I should take a walk. But it's dark and late and I don't want to get lost or kidnapped or eaten by monsters or anything. 

I started reorganizing the kitchen but ran out of energy and now it's chaos. I went swimming this afternoon and could only muster up the energy for seven of my usual ten laps. 

I start reading an article but get tired of it and start reading a different one. Expecting a different result. I'm not tired enough to go to bed. I might be hungry. I'm gonna make some kind of food and watch the last episode of Twin Peaks. 

Swimmin' in the rain

There was a downpour and thunder as we where driving home early this afternoon. Now there's a light drizzle and the air feels fresh and clean and I just came up from the pool. I was swimming daily for a couple of weeks but the last week or so I've been a bit lazy. But I went swimming yesterday and again today and it feels wonderful to use my muscels! Since we drive everywhere I don't get much workout.

This past week has been fun but not very healthy. We've been partying a bit more than we should've.

Now I'm waiting for Ben to come home from a meeting so that we can go grocery shopping. In the meantime I'm going to swim some more.

Feel the heat

I'm alone again but in a better mood than before. Think Glee made me a bit depressed.

It's so hot. I'm hung over, still, after a long day in bed. I miss my man and my energy.

Angst

So much that needs to be done that I can't get done. I just can't. The anxiety makes me just sleep all the time. It's too difficult to be awake. I don't want to face reality. 

I got a text message from my cell phone traffic provider thing saying that my last bill didn't get payed. There wasn't enough money on my account. 

I don't have enough to pay the bill. Things like this makes me just not want to be alive. I'm not getting any money. I thought I was getting a small monthly amount but I was wrong. 

I have no money and nowhere to go. I want to stay here with the man I love and I can for a while but then I have to go back to Sweden and I have no idea what to do there. Where to go. I don't really want to go there. I want to visit but then I want to come back here. But I can't do that without any money. 

I feel lost and caught in a trap. I feel like I'm drowning. I'm so tired of this life. It just gets more and more complicated. More difficult. 

Later

I miss him. It's two thirty and just like every time I'm here alone I can't sleep. I don't even try. 

I'm okay. I just don't really feel like sleeping. 

There's so much. On my mind. I'm so scared. I'm so confused. 

I'm okay though, I'm just ... I don't know. 

Miss him miss him miss him

He's camping. Doing research on ants. He's not home and this time he might stay out for two nights, which isn't new, but he's probably not coming home during the day even. Ugh. 

I'm sad. Over a lot of things. 

Close your eyes I'll be here in the morning

Three in the morning. My darling gets up in two hours, and he'll be home in seven. 

I'm projecting my emotions on high school tv shows where problems are easy to solve and life is a song. 

I'm sad and I miss him and I worry about the future. I need to make decisions that I don't want to make. I'm uninspired and I try to be creative but nothing turns out good. I stay in bed and eat junk food and despise myself. 

Shiny

I'm home alone. Home is Ben's apartment. It feels like home.

I've been here for ten days now and I still love it. And I love Ben. He is the most wonderful person I have met. I can't belive my luck to have him.

Grace

By the way, he took me to see his parents yesterday. They where lovely and had made cheese stuffed jalapeños with bacon on top (me and his dad ate most of them) and steaks. 

Before dinner his family said grace and I felt kind of confused. People in Sweden don't usually pray over their lunch. He took my hand under the table and held it. He was silent. 

I really liked that. 

Edit

He calls her 'Mama'. It's very sweet. Very southern. 

Home

I feel loved. I feel like I belong. I feel at home. 

And I'm pretty happy about the fact that there's a pool here!

Another wonderful thing my wonderful boyfriend said, when I told him that it's better to keep nail polishes refrigerated than to keep them in room temperature; "I have a small refrigerator meant for soda cans, you can keep your nail polishes in that". 

Now the sun is setting and I'm thinking about having a swim before I cook dinner for that wonderful man of mine before he comes home from his meeting. Ha! How about that.   

Real love

"Would you help me rearrange my kitchen?"

"Here, this closet is for you."

So this is like really the most beautiful things anyone has ever said to me. I love this man. 

Like a bird

I feel free. It's nine in the morning and I'm up, but my jet lag could have had me wake up at midnight if I didn't stay awake for 26 hours yesterday. (After sleeping four hours the night before.)

I feel good. It's Saturday and the sun is shining. It's extremely warm. 25 degrees Celsius. But it feels okay. The air pressure isn't like in Sweden, but maybe that's just because it's still early. 

There's a pool outside of the front door. My boyfriend is wonderful. I could get used to this place even if my haircut is pretty extreme here. In Stockholm I felt ordinary. 

Opi nailpolishes are cheap and there's lots of sweets in the supermarket and everyone seems friendly and I'm really excited. 

Fly away

So I had to buy a return ticket fast as balls before I could check in. Extremely fucking happy that I got my tax returns so I could. Extremely fucking happy that I live in the future and can buy tickets for international travel from my phone, in ten minutes, standing by the check in desk. 

I saw Joe Labero, a Swedish show magician, on the airport. Very exciting. 

And what is the deal with angry birds? Oh my gods. So sick of seeing those stupid toys and crap everywhere. 

My flight to Reykjavik leaves in twenty minutes. Why aren't we boarding?

I'm so excited

Standing on the gas station waiting to pay for the gas for the van. In twenty four hours I'll be on the plane! I don't feel stressed anymore. Just happy. Although I have lots of stuff to do today, I have to get meds, get my computer, pay bills and most important meet as many friends as possible!

And then I'll be with my wonderful boyfriend! I'll be flying for sixteen hours but I'll land after nine. Pretty nuts! 

Let's play a game

It's called "ulcer or migraine?" and it is played to find out what it is that makes me nauseated. The pain in my head or in my gut? Exciting for the whole family. Breaks the ice at parties. 

I'm curled up in my bed right now. Not finished, not even remotely. Should have been out yesterday. Feel like - yeah, I've said it before - a failure. 

A failure in pain. Massive pain. 

Fall apart

It's evening. Pretty late. I'm not finished at all. 

I'm one inch from breaking down, crying. In fetal position. 

The fact that I had nothing but two sandwiches today probably doesn't help. 

Fffffffffff

I'm going nuts. Crazy nuts. 

WHY have I not gotten my license yet? I feel like a total failure. 

Stab my own eyes out with a rusty spoon-panic.

It's late

I want to spam my boyfriend with emo texts but I know he's having fun and I don't want to put my crap on him. 

But yeah. Emo as fuck. My brain hurts. There is too much. Just too much. 

Six days

I'm getting nervous now. Stress and nerves. And fear. 

What if it doesn't work? What if the man I love is a jerk? 

It's Saturday night and I got so much left to do and I just want to cry. 

Baggage

We've all got it. Only I got more. 

My room is chaos. It is filled with stuff. So much stuff. Impossible amounts of stuff. I need professional fucking help. 

I'm in panic, I can't relax, and it's been going on for weeks. It's not healthy.

I have nobody though. Nobody helps me pack. Nobody to tell me to relax. Nobody to let me know what I should keep and what I should give away. 

This constant panic makes me tired and confused. I can't focus. I can't see what's important or not. 

I'm sitting in my bed, in front of my tiny pink laptop, trying to go through some pictures that I need to print.

I'm blogging on my phone. Around me is chaos. Inside me is chaos. 

On my bed with me is broken jewelry, clean clothes, my handbag, toilet paper, boxes of jewelry making supplies. On the floor around my bed is trash, papers, dirty dishes, jewelry, knitting projects, tape, one leg warmer, yarn, boxes of jewelry making supplies, stickers, a paper cutter, books, a bank card reader, laces, small bags, pieces of a broken silk blouse, clothes, shoes, cables, a mirror and two electric candles. Among other things.

It's Friday afternoon. On Sunday I have to be out. 

Oh by the way

I had extremely strange dreams last night. Humans where kept as pets in a surreal future where two races where competing for power over earth. One of the races where strong warriors living in colorful, almost organic looking towers, flying in small broad-winged fighter planes. The other race used technology in a way I can't even begin to explain. 

It was a beautiful dream, visually. Scary but beautiful. The sun was shining brightly over huge fields where healthy green crops where growing. The towers shimmered in the sunshine. 

The warriors had small apartments, extremely functional, with large luxurious bathrooms. 

The technological ones seemed to live in tunnels of light that they could seemingly control with their minds. 

So yeah. There was a story in the dream but it's too long to write. 

Den sommartid

("That summertime"?) 

Slept for twelve hours. 

Late for the "avslutning", the school ending ceremony. Not even dressed nicely. Straight from the shower, wearing an old discolored dress. 

Had to leave early too. 

But the whole forest smells like lily of the valley and it kinda feels like summer is really here. 

Time now for my second ADHD-test thing. 

My plane leaves in seven days. 

In blood

Had a blood test today. A bit hung over and tired, but in a much better mood than yesterday. The sun is shining, my flip flops are a bit uncomfortable, I'm on my way back to school in time for lunch. 

Last night there was an end-of-the-school-year-party. It was fun I guess but I was in a horrible mood. I left early and sat in my room skyping with Ben instead. 

Hope lunch today will be left overs from the dinner last night though, it was wonderful. 

NINE

I stayed up late last night, working in the workshop. Got a lot done but still have a lot left to do. 

Today we're cleaning out the workshop though. I just carried the third or fourth loa of stuff back to my room and I'm warm and tired and in a crappy mood. I just want to hide in a closet for a week. In the dark, alone. 

I have so much to do. Too much. I don't want to leave the workshop, I didn't realize how sad it was going to make me. I won't come back in three months. This is goodbye, might be final. 

Tonight there's a party, a masquerade. I'm going to wear my horns. Found my pointy ears too. 

Don't want to go. Not now. Hope I'll feel like it tonight. 

Tomorrow we're having a last 'fika' with our class and on Friday it's the last day and then it's all over. And also exactly one week until I leave. Nine days today. Single digit. 9. 

Feels good. 

This morning Sanna, who will be storing my stuff over the summer, said she might not fit anymore. I still have most of my things. So I'm a bit panicky over that. 

Bloop

So today I met a ... Doctor? Nurse? Person? Anyway she started my ADHD-evaluation. A bit scary.

Ten days until I fly away. 

Two weeks

Fourteen days until I'll be in Texas. I can stop waiting. We can finally start our relationship for real. After almost six months. 

Way too stressed out to be nervous. 

I'm on a bus on my way to Stockholm. I've had two hours of sleep and I ate one egg and a candy. I had nightmares and now I'm a bit nauseated. Too tired, too stressed to be nervous about tomorrow, when I'm gonna be a bridesmaid. 

My brain hurts. And my eyes. I was hoping on being able to sleep on the bus but everyone is loud. 

Stockholm

I miss coffee.

Last few days has been intense and hectic and a bit nuts. Right now I'm standing outside SIBA waiting for them to open so I can give them my laptop and then get to the train, which is an hour late. 

I miss Ben. 

We had a bachelorette party for Tindra on Saturday. It was great fun but my recent mental plummet into depression made it a bit strange. I get weird when I'm sad. 

SIBA should open now. Please?!?

19 days left. Almost nothing.

And now they're letting me in! 

Grawr

My throat hurts in a weird way and my stomach and I feel sad and angry and I'm not sure why.

I packed stuff. I have lots of work left to do in school. I don't have enough money. The stress makes me want to vomit. 

Oh and my sleeping patterns are totally fubar and I'm taking lots of different pills and I'm extremely sensitive and it feels like everybody hates me. 

Ugh. 

Oh my goodness

Whole wheat pasta

Some falafel

One head of broccoli 

Pumpkin seeds

Garlic butter

Pesto 

Linseed 

Parmesan

Do stuff to it. Whatever you want. Boil a bit and fry and stuff. 

TASTIEST. THING.

Trick is to have quite a bit of butter and salt and fry it all together with Parmesan in there. So good. So insanely good. 

I have not yet closed my eyes

It's half past four. I'm hungry but not very tired. Too tired to make food. Not tired enough to fall asleep.

Soon though. 

I just read a very long article about children dying in cars. Forgotten by parents. The article won the Pulitzer Prize. I could not stop reading. It was horrifying. And it made me never want to own a car. 

So much to do. So little time. My head feels like it could break from all the noise inside. 

My sleeping patterns get stranger and stranger, despite the new medicine that was supposed to help me sleep at the right times. I think I might try going back to the medicine that just helped me sleep and simply take it at exactly the same time every night for a few nights. 

Four day weekend now. Tomorrow I'm going to go into town and pick up my dress, buy some food, call a couple of friends and make some plans, sort some stuff... Maybe start taking some photos of finished products?

It's almost five. The birds have started singing. I'm going to bed. 

So tired

My hands are tired and my arms. My whole body. My mind and my soul. I just want to sleep. For a thousand years.

I moved all my things last night, my friends helped me. They where very kind.

I have too much things. So many things. So little hope. Everything feels hopeless and bad.

Awh man. So tired. So much to do.

F this s

I'm in a foul mood. I'm angry and cross and uninspired. School is boring and I had nightmares and everything just sucks in general.

Grrrrrrr.

Can't sleep

In bed. Tired. Body aching from restlessness.

Looking at pictures of dogs. Looking at Instagram. Looking at Facebook.

Missing my man.

It's late and I have to get up early. Think I'll take a sleeping pill.

Today has been a bad day

And I feel bad.

I couldn't get out of bed. I could not motivate myself to go make breakfast. I had zero energy.

I DID do my workout tho! And took a shower. Maybe I should focus on that. Hah.

Spent all day in front of my computer. Watching YouTube things. Funny things and meaningless things. Meaningless day. Barely ate anything. Didn't do anything.

My back aches and I feel empty inside and I stayed up too late and ugh.

Just took one of my new meds. It's called cirkadin and it's a melatonin... Something. It's supposed to make me sleep better during the night so that I can stay awake in the daytime. I think.

So goodnight.

R&R

So I missed breakfast and I overslept but I woke up feeling really rested and good and full of ideas and inspiration. Birds are singing outside and it sounds like it's raining.

Today I'm gonna move to my new room! Feels great!

Five in the morning

Today I got up, had breakfast, was productive, got stuff done, went grocery shopping (and to Clas Olsson), had lunch, went to the workshop, got the key for my new room... And fell asleep. At three. And slept until TEN. At NIGHT. That's seven hours.

My brain is such a DICK.

Anyways it's now early morning and I figure a couple of hours of sleep before breakfast can't hurt.

He loves me

And spring is here. The sun comforts my restless, worried heart.
I talked to my contact person today, and managed to work out at least one of the issues that have been worrying me. About that sweet man. I can't really explain it now though. It seems distant and strange now.
I paid my bills. I talked to people about stuff. I got some important info. I feel good about myself.
I like my contact. She's good.
I love my boyfriend. I'm gonna kiss him. On his face. I love his face.
I don't hate myself today. He makes me happy, and as scary as that is it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It has to be okay. He is sweet and kind and he loves me. Me. How can that not make me happy? How can that not be totally awesome?
(It is.)

FESTER

A quarter past one. It feels like I've been knocked out. I feel dizzy and almost a bit sick. The panic clouds my mind and wraps it's long icy fingers around my neck again.

At first I feel fine, but suddenly dark thoughts pop up in my head, from nowhere.

I hate myself. I hate myself I hate myself I hate my life. I can't. Can't go on. Can't.

I feel betrayed by these thoughts. By my mind for letting them in without letting me know. I want to cry because I do not feel that way. My life is nice. I like myself. I'm a great person.

But I'm not here, I'm insecure and a bit awkward and I don't like that part of myself. This is not me. I'm not me here. I forget things, important things. I get so tired and I can't go on I can't can't can't

I can't do stuff, important stuff, I can't make important calls and pay bills and hang laundry and clean my room and I can't even do stuff I want to. Like read books and stuff. Paint, knit, embroidery. I just don't have any energy left at all. I want to sleep. Just sleep.

I get tired of diets. I quit eating bread but a couple of days later that's all I have. I quit eating sugar but then the weekend comes and I make a cake. I turn off the movie I'm watching to pay bills but my mind starts swimming and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I just can't. I can't.

And I hate myself for it. And the hate burns up everything else and I can't convince myself that I'm strong and that I can do anything. And again the feeling of guilt, like I'm tricking him. Nothing will be okay. Nothing will work. It's just mean to him to make him trust me, I fucking suck. How can I do this to him? I love him, I can't. I can't let him get poisoned by whatever is poisoning me. By my poison, the poison that I am. I can't. Can't.

I feel nothing now, everything is getting numb. My head hurts a little and I'm getting more dizzy, it feels like I haven't slept for days. I have to lie down. I need rest.

I am a failure. I'm a bad person. Something is wrong with me.

This happens inside me on a daily basis. Not all the time. But often after I eat. So I do believe something that I eat is making me sad. Depressed. Tired. But I have no energy to try to figure anything out.

I am going to go lie down for a little while.

Friday morning

Hello humans (and bots).
I'm trying to get up. But I feel emotional and everything is ... Bad. I'm angry and sad and I'm not sure why. My head is still full of strange dreams and my heart is full of fear and doubt.
I feel like I'm a rocket. I don't know where I'm headed but it's going fast and I'm not sure if I'll survive the landing.

Strange days

After lunch today I fell asleep. I was still feeling shaky and weak and sad. I woke up around three and went down to the workshop. I worked past nine and then went home and made a kind of spicy egg-bean-mushroom stir-fry-thing. Tasty.
Oh and I re-watched season four of sons of anarchy and realized that I might not have seen the last episodes. And I didn't even HAVE the very last one.
I miss my man. I think about him a lot. He's wonderful.

One cigarette

I smoked a cigarette and talked a bit to a classmate and made a decision.
I feel a bit better now. Not good, but a little better.
I'm trying to cheer myself up by thinking about the person that I love. Who loves me back. Like a light in the darkness.

The pain

Raging storms of emotions. Hungry and tired and sad. Hands are shaking. Nightmares and memories haunt me, make me feel sick.
Don't want to do this diet thing anymore. Want bread and coffee and cigarettes. Now.
I think actually today is a day when I actually do smoke a cigarette.

shitty bad stuff

It's pretty late and I'm still awake because I accidentally (?) took a four plus hour nap this afternoon. Yay! (No. Not yay.)

School was okay I guess, worked on the conceptual wedding jewelry. I feel pretty good about it. Lunch was so crazy good, meat things with sauce and jam and stuff. My favorite type of food. I put a shitload of salad on top of it though. Guess that's something.

And then the sleep, and with the sleep the dreams. First off I was two guys. Who was somehow clones or something. Using a magic chalk piece or something they traveled to a strange different dimension where people tried to kill them. I/They saw everything double, pictures changed as you looked at them, texts was altered, colors distorted, everything like a hysterical hallucination in bright colors. I/They got dizzy and confused and fell over and lost their chalk pieces and never got home and started thinking that maybe that was okay, maybe this was how it was supposed to end.

I dragged myself into consciousness and tried to text Ben but I fell back asleep and everything got even worse. Sensitive readers should skip this. Really.

I was a man this time - only one though. I met a girl and really liked her. We were in a horrible accident. When I came to I was under water, floating, and she was beside me. Her body was torn apart at the waist. Her guts where everywhere, spreading out from her body like some kind of bloody tentacles. Her arms where twisted in impossible ways and the top of her head was missing. She was floating towards me and I was terrified and wanted to get away, but my body didn't move. I saw myself for a moment, like I caught a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. I was terrified again because at first I thought I saw myself smiling, but I quickly realized that my jaw had been torn off and the muscles of my face where being pulled and stretched in bizarre ways. I tried to move my arms but realized that they too where twisted in horrible angles and when I tried using my legs to get away from her body that was now touching mine I saw that they where ripped off at the knees. I knew I was dead. Just like the woman next to me, my body had been crushed and killed. So why was I conscious?

A while later I am standing (how?) on a sidewalk. People on bicycles and in cars drive in big half circles as they pass to get as far away as possible. It went on to be a massive zombie apocalypse. I tried to stop it even though I was one of them. I was failing and tried to make myself wake up but it took several tries before I managed. I still feel completely fucked up. I don't want to go back to sleep but I'm tired and sad. I don't know why I'm sad.

Anyways I ate a salad for dinner so that's good. I guess. My head hurts. I'm drinking lot's of water. My vitamins and things arrived at Ben's today so hopefully he'll send them to me soon.

Oh my GOSH

I want a cigarette SO BAD.
And coffee. My head hurts. I'm starting to feel a bit more awake now than I did before. Trying to design jewellery.

FUCK YOU DEPRESSION!

IMMA KICK YOUR BUTT! YEAH!

But I don't really know how yet. I called my doctor today. School is back on, easter break over. Still no cigarettes though I was close today and no coffee. I feel a little bit less sleepy today than usual.

I have been drinking at least one cup of coffee every day for years. Not sure how many, six maybe? At least six. Maybe seven. Every day. Today is maybe my tenth day without coffee. And it feels pretty good.

People ask why I stopped drinking coffee (in Sweden that's almost a faux pas) and even though there's a pretty long explanation I feel a bit perplex. Why the hell not?

Now I'm gonna go eat chinese food with the nerds.

C'mon

Hello bots. And possible humans.

Today I got up before noon again. I felt happy.

I cut off another third of my hair, looked at tumblrs for a while and had breakfast. Today I had unsweetened "sour milk" (which is a Swedish thing that is not at all as disgusting as it sounds, it's a bit like yogurt) with fruit muesli.

Thinking about vlogging. Today feels like a good day. Gonna make stew tonight. Yeeees.

Adventures! Travel! Emotions!

You like that stuff right! All the good stuff. Yeah.
So today was GREAT. I stayed awake all day. I went to the workshop. I went to Rättvik with Kajsa and bought some yarn. (Not really needed perhaps but pretty. A very nice linen cotton something (rayon? No. Viscose maybe) blend that I'm gonna make a lace scarf of. My first real lace project! Scary and exiting.
I had tasty wonderful pizza, maybe for the last time in a long time, and I bought SO much vegetables! Oh my gosh. All the vegetables.
Gonna be healthy.
Getting sleepy now.
Talked to the best boyfriend ever for a while and played computer games and talked to friends and watched YouTube stuff and trailers for coming movies.
Uh. Almost sleeping now. Goodnight bots. I love you bots.

Day... What?

11:35
I'm up before noon. My jaw is even better today. I'm going to Houston in 61 days. Life doesn't feel so meaningless today.
I talked to Maria last night and she's the sweetest person. Just talking to her always lifts my mood, even if its about silly things or nothing at all. It's impossible to feel lonely or unloved with a friend like her.
Today I'm gonna be alive. I think I've slept enough.

11:44
Whoa! I actually feel... ! I feel things. No apathy at the moment! WOOOOOOOO

13:12
So I had a few sandwiches with cheese for breakfast. Tiredness came back. Ugh.

Morning soon

Hello bots.
I slept all day so now when its night I can't sleep at all. I miss coffee and cigarettes. I miss my boyfriend. He sucks at texting and it makes me upset. But just for a little while.

Night.

I have never been so alone before. I'm seriously losing my mind. I feel so totally unwanted and unloved. Needy and horrible. My existence is meaningless. I am absolutely nothing but a burden.

Evening

Why do I keep this bloody blog? My whole audience consists of bots.
I've gone to bed again. I've been so tired today. But now I can't sleep, only cry. (Partly because I watched grave of the fireflies and it was crazy sad. Didn't even really like it much. Partly because I feel so extremely alone.)
Everything feels meaningless. This new life is starting to feel like the old one minus coffee and smokes. Which I liked.
My jaw feels better.
Maybe tomorrow I'll... Nah. Who am I kidding. Tomorrow I'll be apathetic and sad. Like today. And all other days.
I'm not getting stronger, I'm getting ready for a mental institution. Fuck.

The third day

12:05
Still in bed. Feels so meaningless to get up.
13:52
Had breakfast and a cup of tea. Did 20 situps and 20 backlifts or back extensions. Watched Adventure Time. Cut my fingernails. Knitted some.
Bloody hell I'm bored.
14:27
Clean sheets in the bed. Feel absolutely drained. Like I just climbed a mountain. I try to drink a lot of water but my throat hurts.
Man I'm whiny.
Gonna lie down for a little while. Caffeine is a total bitch to quit.
18:25
Awake again. Dreamed about death.
Watched the last episode of Buffy and cried a bit.
Gonna try to get my shit together now I suppose. Tonight is my last party for a while.

Day two

12:26
Very difficult to get out of bed. Jaw still hurts like a motherbitch.

First thing after getting up - drank a lot of water. Pulled up the blinds. Took vitamins.

Had strange dreams about evil black robots.

14:31
Tired. Get cold sweats. Had to lie down. Feeling a little bit nauseated.

Cabin fever

Day one of my new life was surprisingly like my old one.

But! No coffee or cigarettes. My biggest craving has been chocolate. My jaw hurts like F***ING S**T. Cant wait for Easter to be over so that the healthcare place opens again. Or the dentist, I have no idea.

As the title suggests I am going a bit mental but I've been to emotionally drained from last night's panic attack to actually do anything. Tomorrow tho! I'll go buy lots of vegetables and some chicken and yeast free rye bread to start preparing my body for the cleansing thing. Or at least for the much smaller amounts of food I'll be eating as soon as all the detox powders and things arrive. (I ordered it today on the internet.)

Ow ow ow my jaw.

Goodnight! I'm totally proud of myself for surviving a whole day without coffee and smokes.

rebirth

So to try to do something about my depression I decided to start by changing some habits. I'll tell you about them.

Today:

• No coffee, one cup of black tea
• No candy or sugar (except for small amounts of added sugar in my food since I don't want to throw out stuff I bought just a couple of days ago...)
• lots and lots of water
• workout

The plan for the close future is a cleanse, which will start in a couple of days and which will be HORRIBLE. In no way am I going to try to kid myself that it will be easy or in any way fun. It's gonna suck. It consists of mostly broth and nutritious drinks but also allows some vegetables. Gonna try to stop smoking and I think that will be fine, it's the coffee that's difficult. Coffee is the main reason why I'm not doing the cleanse thing right away. I'm gonna try to be a bit kind to my body and do stuff gradually. So a day or two of tea before caffeine is totally out. 

Now I'm gonna start by cleaning my room. A clutter-free environment might help give me a clutter-free mind.

-----edit--------

Okay, I think Emelie might have shared her cold with me after all, or it's caffeine withdrawal, but I think no workout. I feel dizzy.

Trust issues

For years love has meant only pain. Now that I love someone who actually loves me I can't really believe it. I get so frightened. I feel that pain again even though I know he loves me. I trust him but I can hardly trust reality.
Love makes me a bit bonkers.

Oh my love

I feel silly, like I want to sing love songs or write poetry. Bad poetry.
I miss you, I long for you, I burn for you. I can't stand falling asleep without you for 69 more nights. I can't stand it I can't.
Oh my love. You fill my heart with songs and sweetness. Jam and candy. Sunshine and orange juice. You are the one I want. The one I want to be with, to share stuff with. Watch tv with. Wake up with.
Oh my love. So sharp is the contrast between your warm skin and beautiful smile, your eyes like sunshine through beech leaves in the spring and this cold, hard, icy shithole.
Where people are small and spit their venom like pissed off mosquitoes. Only more meaningless.
Oh love. This place makes me sad. You make me happy. I'll be with you soon.

You are not here

Your bag is not on my floor. Your skin is not close to mine. Your hair is not between my fingers, your hands are not touching me, you are gone and I miss you so much.
This morning I woke up next to you but I won't do that again for at least ten weeks.
I miss you.
I didn't cry on the train on my way home and I spent all day in the workshop, until eight or so. When I walked home the moon was so bright and the night so clear that the sliver of light looked like a blade and the rest of the moon was visible like a shadow behind it and you weren't there to see it. You would have loved it.
When I came up to my room your abscence was so strong. You are not here anymore. You are not in my bed. I'm wearing your scarf and I bury my face in it, trying to feel your smell.
I miss you.

Where is my love?

He's waiting to board a plane. I'm on the train back from the airport, where we just said goodbye. I cried on the way to the airport and promised not to do it on the way home. So far so good, but it's difficult.

This week has been wonderful. Completely. I'm so happy that I have gotten to spend it with this wonderful person, that he came to me, that he loves me. He's so much fun. I'm happy enough that the sadness is bearable but I'm gonna miss him so much.

Two and a half hours

On the train. Heart beating like a hammer. Soon. So soon. I feel a bit dizzy and giddy and giggly and very happy.

I bought a box of chocolates but forgot it, and I didn't have time to get my laundry from the laundry room and I have no idea what I packed. But I'm on the train and I know what terminal he's arriving to so I think it'll be okay.

I've been extremely absentminded and confused the last couple of days. And I think I'll be even more absentminded in the week to come.

20 hours

I feel really silly! And so happy that I'm hardly touching the ground when I walk.

Not so much panic right now. I don't really have time any more.

We're going to Tone for dinner and then we're going dancing! After that I'll have to finish packing and pay my bills and fix my hair and take a shower and go to sleep. And in the morning I'm going to the train and then it's just an hours wait at the airport.

And then. Then.

I can't really think about the rest.

25 and a half hours

I'm hungover and a slight panic is setting in.

49 hours

This is nuts. I'm shaking so that I can hardly work. I'm counting hours. Who does that?

two. TWO!!

Sweet baby buddha made of candy. The nerves are NOT calming down. Not even a little.

I have been feeling extremely ugly the last few days, don't know what that is about, normally I think I look pretty nice.

My creativity has some kind of cramp and I have a bit of nausea even. Jeez.

Still I don't feel worried. What's the deal? Why am I so nervous?

Every time we talk my nerves calm right down and I'm just happy to see him. So hopefully that will happen when he gets here.

Until then I need to pack a weekend bag, do some laundry, maybe epilate my legs again (there's a reason for doing it twice! I promise!), finish a shitload of work, bleach my sidecut, move my skis to somewhere where they're not in the way... aaaand I guess that's it? Not sit and hyperventilate constantly?

And oh yeah. I might have bought a new phone last night. I blame the nerves!

Listening to: My Spotify starred list which has a lot of Buraka Som Sistema on it.
Working on: Making paper and clay models of a ring that I'm going to make. And sketches of it. A wedding gift. A large shawl. Metal fake nails.

THREE!!!1!!

OKAY I'M SO FUCKING NERVOUS NOW IT'S CRAZY I'm getting fucking bad skin from being so nervous. My heart is beating like its trying to break out of my chest and I feel like I'm drunk or suffocating. I was not even remotely prepared to feel like this. All if a sudden nothing feels right, I have absolutely nothing to wear, my room looks HORRIBLE, every idea I have is stupid and ... Augh.

At the same time I don't THINK that there's anything to be nervous about. That does not seem to make a difference though.

6

Reading online comics about trying to figure out stuff like sexual orientation and labels and self image and stuff like that, realizing I'm very very lucky to have a mother who never ever tried to pressure me into any sort of label or system or anything else. I don't have a definition of my sexuality and I don't want one. I feel uncomfortable trying to fit into any label, even "harmless" ones like bisexual.

I don't want any labels at all. I'm perfectly fine just being me.

If you feel like you absolutely have to, go with something like this:

• woman
• creative
• chaotic
• loving
• anarchist
• feminist
• beautiful
• young

Thanks mom, for giving me a solid trust in who I am. I can have problems with my looks, I can feel bad about my weight or my difficulty to handle economy, but I never felt any need to label myself for anyone else. I know that that stuff is 100% my own business.

SO yesterday I was gonna spend all day in the workshop but I ended up cleaning a lot and then going to systemet and having dinner with a friend.

I fell asleep around ten, fully dressed with my contacts in. 

But today is a brand new day and I moved my laptop to my desk again! First time in a couple of months actually. Since I started leaving my cam on over night. 

Six days. Exactly. Right now, in six days, I'll be kissing my boyfriend for the first time. It's the strangest thing. 

Now I'm going to make another cup of coffee, then go up to the design classroom for a short visit and then to the workshop where I will hopefully be staying all day. Might bring sandwiches? Hmm.

Six days.

7

11:30-ish

I dreamed that the hotel booking was screwed up. And that he was totally weird in real life. And that I was too. And the hotel and everything was just really horrible.

I want to keep cleaning but I should be in the workshop. Ugh.

---
13:37

So after cleaning for a while I had breakfast (eggs and bacon! Yum!) and the sun was shining. I felt the pep return.

I watched half an episode of true blood with Sanna and when I went out to have a smoke the sun was gone, the wind was wild and it started raining. Yeah. Thanks.

Now I'm back in my room again.

8

Been cleaning my room for like two days, so that it now resembles a merely regularly messy room instead of the half packed chaos it was last week.

Okay, maybe a bit messier than a regular messy room. (All my make up is in order though!)

I've been polishing an old unfinished piece of jewelry.

I've finished watching "The Legend Of Korra".

I've epilated my legs. Oh yes. Really. I had given up completely on keeping my leg hair short but this guy for some reason makes me silly!

I really haven't gotten enough done in the workshop though, and that really bothers me. Maybe tonight.

Now I'm off to eat pancakes!

Yay!

Drama is over. Ben is coming to visit. Life feels pretty good.

The Magicians

"The magicians is to Harry Potter as a shot of Irish whiskey is to a glass of weak tea" George RR Martin said, according to the back of the book.

No. The Magicians is like a wine-fueled hangover, complete with regrets and misery and sex and awkwardness, plus REAL MAGIC, which isn't really much fun. It's painful and exhausting and powerful and very difficult. In comparison Harry Potter feels like a silly colorful children's book.

The fact that the characters (well, Josh) keeps making sarcastic jokes about Harry Potter is a sweet detail in this amazing web of people growing into bitterness and acceptance and adulthood.

On top of everything the language is absolutely beautiful.

You should read it.

All of the drama

It's cold and wet and late. Walking back to Tindra and Oscar's place through the neighborhood that used to be my own, memories from one year ago wash over me like shadows. I'm seeing double.

A year ago I lived here and all these people where a part of my life. I saw them every day, cooked for them, laughed with them, had fights with them.

Staggered home drunk with my best friend, spent long days in bed with him, watched lots of movies, made chilies, drank rum.

I see all these things when I walk here. I see myself taking the kids to day care, I see me and J making drunken snow angels, I see us looking out at the ships singing "lillith victoria!"

Tonight it really hurts to remember all the good times I had with J. The painful memories of summer had just begin to fade into the distance and all the nice memories where the ones that I kept. But as one problem gets solved another got un-solved.

And now, again, after I thought we had gotten through all the crap, he tells me that he doesn't want to see me for some time. Or really keep in touch. After all the shit we went through together, after all the energy we both put into our friendship.

Jealousy is a fucking stupid thing. It's not logical, it's not useful, it's just a need to control others. It's fear pretending to be love. It's wanting to rule. It's selfish and destructive.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.

He's still my friend. But he's not the same person.

Wholly chao

At times like this my stuff feels like a part of who I am, parts of my life. And I am in chaos, surrounded by chaos and I know nothing but chaos. There is nothing but chaos inside me.

My belongings own me. I feel like I carry every single thing that I own. It's heavy. It makes me frustrated. It makes me feel trapped. There are so many things, there is so much to remember, so much to deal with.

I know nothing.

So scared

Scared to death. Everything is just too much. I don't know how to deal. Everything was wonderful and then everything was horrible and cold and dark and I don't know what to do. I can't stand people. I can't pack my stuff. I can hardly breathe.

Everything makes me cry. I feel totally empty.

Nej.

Jag orkar inte.

Fuck shit up

I've been kicked out of my home. Because of lies, rumors and deceit. Fun stuff.

Crazy days

Wise guys realize there's danger in emotional ties!

But what is life without danger? Not an adventure. And life should be an adventure.

Avoiding danger is just being a coward.

It seems I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to explain to people that I love someone whom I have never actually met, but it feels very wonderful to call him mine. He is amazing and I don't feel like we've never met. We've just never actually been at the same place at the same time. I love him madly and ... he loves me. It's wonderful. I can't imagine that someone like him could be - is - in love with me.

I'm very happy.

The last few days has been so intense and crazy and fun.

I have been to parties, chased a thief, met old and new friends, had lots of good food, tasty drinks, spent a lot of time texting my boyfriend, met the most wonderful short people in the world, had cake and so many hugs.

Now I'm finally home and back in my bed.

Home in my room, at school. Not home where my heart is. My heart is in Texas. I never thought that my heart and my home would be in Texas, but life is an adventure. It's amazing.

Wet and cold

It's been raining and snowing. The weather is the kind of wet, icy cold that gets you whatever you're wearing.

I feel sorry for our nude model. But drawing nudes is lots of fun so that makes the day much better than it would have been otherwise.

In other news I'm insane. I'm totally crazy mad about that sweet wonderful person in Texas. I've never fallen in love over the Internet before and it's strange and a bit scary but wonderful.

Blä

Sovit 12 timmar. Orkar inte röra mig. Har ingen mat hemma men lite pengar som jag fått låna av en god vän. Måste in till stan och köpa frukost. Ont i huvet och känner mig ensam och sorgsen och sviken och osäker och rädd.

Borde inte somna om men det är varmt och skönt under täcket.

Vill vara i Texas nu. Nu nu nu.

Crisis

Okay so. Everything has pretty much fucked up. Totally.

It feels like falling out of a roller-coaster, or having everyone you love and trust turn against you, or getting in a car accident on a road you drive every day and think is safe. And beautiful and fun.

This week has been a fucked up week. I started out pretty happy but on Tuesday I found out that I cause huge problems to the people around me. Why was unclear but is now clearer.

Since then I haven't been able to do anything but cry and sleep a chemically induced sleep. Last night I decided that I won't let this keep me down. I'm strong and my heart is whole and I will get through it.

This morning a couple of things happened that made my resolve weaken but then some other things happened that made it stronger again. (The first thing was someone I trust who told me that... Well, pretty much that I was slightly mentally disabled and had to move out, or else everyone else in the house would. The second one was a lovely Texan who got so mad that he actually started saying "y'all".)

When the going gets tough, I also get tough. When the wind gets cold I knit a new hat. I'm going to get through this, one way or another. Even though it feels really hard right now.

Uppriven

Jag hatar att inte veta. Att längta efter någon jag inte känner. Jag kan inte slappna av, kan inte lita på honom men hjärtat sjunger av glädje. Förvirrande känslor, många känslor.

Pengar kärlek vänner skapande inspiration, allt stressar mig och överallt finns magi och mirakel och stjärnor och överallt finns mörker och skräck. Ögonen vänjer sig aldrig, känslorna blir så många, så starka. Hjärtat känns till slut bara trasigt och jag är trött och ledsen trots att allt är rätt okej.

Jag hatar att bli påverkad av en annan människa. Jag hatar det. Hatar hatar hatar att känna mig ledsen över att inte få prata med honom. Hatar mig själv och hatar känslan. Jag vill vara i kontroll.

I kontroll över mina känslor och min ekonomi och mitt liv.

Ingen slutkläm. Ingen punchline. Bara förvirring.

nocturnal

You push through into my dreams, thoughts of you in the most bizarre contexts.

I wake up in the middle of the night and the house is alive, people are cooking and talking and I sit and eat and talk, and then they fall asleep and I stay awake. Reality get's a bit softer.

I hear sounds through the music in my headphones but when I take them of there is only silence.

I dream of harmony in chaos, sex and food, mad priests and love.

New York, New York

So somehow everything I read at the moment seems to be about New York. Comics, books. I feel like I'm half there, in the city that has everything. Big and small lives in a tangle.

Rules of Civility by Amor Towles is a wonderful story set in 1938. It's shimmering like dusty diamonds, ice and cigarette smoke. Vibrant and gripping.

Octopus Pie by Meredith Gran is a funny and harsh comic about a group of people. I can't really say much more but there's a lot. Magical adventures, drunken mistakes, worries about love and money and drugs and cats.

Johnny Wander is another comic, by Ananth Panagariya and Yuko Ota. It's a biography-comic I guess? They make it about their life. It has cats and coffee and everyday stuff. It's very sweet and well made.

I love travelling and I dream about it all the time but NY is a city I never really found fascinating. It seems to have a magical magnetism but it never really gripped me. It seems too large and noisy and, well... I don't know. Not interesting? I dream about New Orleans and San Fransisco and ... Canada. I want to go back to Hawaii. Or... I don't know. The last year or so all travel has been so stressful that I hardly want to leave my room. I want to be here. I want to be here until june and then I want to get on a plane and go to Houston. And try to not totally freak out.

Oh!

I had a couple of really great weeks! Parties and lots of talking to a Texan on Skype and getting some stuff done in school (uhm not actual assignments but still). Managed to start getting to bed on time and almost getting out of bed on time as well. Stayed pretty active and stuff. Watched Adventure Time.

Fun!

Eh jaha

Varför i helvete ska jag ha ångest nu? Mått så jävla bra i en hel vecka. Nu högg det till i magen och det känns nästan som om jag ska få en ångestattack. Men det ska jag inte. Jag ska sova och imorrn börjar skolan. Och jag ska vakna i tid och det kommer vara så najs.

Why wait

Sometimes I get a feeling that everything is completely fucked and we have absolutely no reason to put anything off. We're all gonna die sooner or later.

And when I get that feeling I love life so much. And I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and smile.

Anyways I'm gonna save up my money and do stuff. I'm gonna talk to people I love and I'm gonna make sure that cute guy comes to visit. I'm gonna get rid of shit I don't need and save the good stuff.

Fuck everything. Forget everything. Love everything.

Feminist?

En gång i tiden var jag också en sån som "inte ville kalla mig feminist". Men sen tänkte jag efter lite.

Att inte kalla sig feminist är i mina ögon att ignorera allt feminismen gjort för mänskligheten. Varför vill man göra det? Som kvinna och icke-feminist - vilken del av feminismen stör dig? Är det biten där din pappa inte får sälja dig? Biten där det är olagligt att våldta dig? Biten där ditt värde efter en våldtäkt sjunker så mycket så att du inte kommer bli gift? Är det rösträtten? Rätten att äga saker? Rätten att ha byxor? Rätten att köra bil utan att en man går framför bilen med en flagga? Rätten till utbildning? Rätten att jobba? Är det det där med att ha lika hög lön som männen på din arbetsplats som verkar jobbigt?

Män som inte vill kalla sig feminister, vad är ert problem? Vill ni äga kvinnor? Hindra dem från att utrycka sig? Vad?

Vill man ha jämställdhet så är man antagligen feminist. Är man rädd för ordet så är det okej - läs på lite och släpp det. Vi behöver feminism. Allihopa. Vi behöver våga vara feminister. Vi behöver våga reagera på de enorma orättvisor som finns i världen.

Testar gränser

Den berusade frustrationen, ängsligheten. Det kommer inte att funka, det kan inte funka. Jag tycker om honom för mycket. Jag testar hans gränser, börjar ställa krav.

"Do you like me?"
"I do. A whole lot."
"How much?"
"A million!"

Jag fnittrar och blir tillfälligt nöjd. Han lovar att komma hit. Han skräms inte bort när jag är konstig eller krävande. När jag säger att jag inte kommer duscha på två veckor eller att jag gillar filmer han inte gillar eller när jag är berusad och inte lyssnar på honom.

Jag blir lugn, tillfälligt.

Idag är jag bakfull. Igår festade vi i tolv timmar. Vi åt middag, efterrätt, kanstanjer och paj. Vi drack rött vin och vitt vin och mousserande vin och öl och cider. Vi lyssnade på musik och sjöng och skrattade. En bra kväll.

Idag åkte Kim hem till Stockholm. Jag har sovit större delen av dagen och funderar på att göra det igen.