good night?

Today's been weird. I ate a cream based soup, once again forgetting about my lactose intolerance. My BFF turned 26 but had a kinda sad ending to her day. I drank coffee late in the evening and went almost hyper.

Now it's late and I feel lonely. I feel bad about feeling lonely. I miss my boyfriends. Both of them. Even though I love being in a polygamous situation it's still really new to me and I haven't really learned to navigate the waters yet. Like how much should or can I talk about one of them with the other? I'm scared of hurting them.

I feel lonely and cold. I love spending time with Maria though. It's wonderful to be here but sweet baby buddha it's cold!

Bedtime now. I have a bear hat and I wear it constantly. Tomorrow I'm going to DO THINGS. Go places. Eat stuff.

Goodnight.


Listening to: The Decemberists

manx mists

So I'm still at IoM and I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. Being sick always makes me sad. But yesterday Maria and I went to like three different towns and bought some yarn and a new hat and some other small things that I could almost afford so I feel a bit giddy over my new hat and... yeah! Stuff! Owning physical things induce happiness! Scary but true. 

Another thing that makes me really happy is this whole new "two boyfriends" deal. It's pretty frackin awesome, let me tell you. I can see what people might think, that it's wrong or not as special or whatever but these two relationships are extremely different and might also not function without each other. I love two dudes. And I love a whole bunch of other people too. But these two dudes I love more than just like friends and they both love me back. I can't not smile when I think about it. And they both love me enough to be okay with me having the other. That's pretty much love from pretty open minded and amazing people. 

The fact that one of them lives in Denmark and the other in Texas definitely makes it easier. I live in Sweden. But the Danish one lives like an hour away. So the intimacy I miss from having a long distance relationship isn't a problem anymore and the stability that I want I still have. None of these relationships really lack anything - not more than any other relationship does - but when I have both I have everything I could possibly want, more than one relationship could possibly provide.

I feel very lucky.

sick and self doubting on the isle of man

My BFF Maria invited me to her tiny kingdom/magical fairyland/island/home for a visit and the first thing I do is get a fever. I came here on friday and it's monday now and I feel so shitty for being sick. I know it's stupid but my feelings are stupid sometimes.

I'm wrestling a huge monstrosity of self doubt. I feel like I wouldn't have an original idea if my life was on the line. I'm a hack. I have no education and no goals and nothing. I fail at everything and I have these vain dreams that mean nothing at all. I'm never going to be anything.

Hopelessness wraps itself around me like a wet, cold woolen blanket. Why do I think I can be something? Why do I fool myself?

Ugh.

In other news I have two boyfriends now. Double loved but still self loathing. So stupid.

Silent night

Listening to music. Enjoying it thoroughly. A friend of mine gifted me a month of spotify premium and I'm listening to radio based on a wardruna song. Gothy and a bit of black metal and folk. Yummmm.

Very "winter is coming"-feel. Painting my nails again. The last time it failed.

Skyped with Maria for a bit, a long bit, it was lovely.

Dark plum purple this time. I like it. Smoking my e-cigarette.

Tomorrow I'm having lunch with my mom and then I'm going to buy some glögg, swedish spiced mulled wine, and some nice cheese and gingerbread dough and having a very nice evening.

Day... What?

11:35
I'm up before noon. My jaw is even better today. I'm going to Houston in 61 days. Life doesn't feel so meaningless today.
I talked to Maria last night and she's the sweetest person. Just talking to her always lifts my mood, even if its about silly things or nothing at all. It's impossible to feel lonely or unloved with a friend like her.
Today I'm gonna be alive. I think I've slept enough.

11:44
Whoa! I actually feel... ! I feel things. No apathy at the moment! WOOOOOOOO

13:12
So I had a few sandwiches with cheese for breakfast. Tiredness came back. Ugh.

the end of an era

Two more days. In 48 hours I'm getting off the plane in London.

Today Maria is flying from Sweden to New York.

I was reading old, unsent emails. It was like looking at a very old picture, or seeing something through water, I remember it of course but it's not real anymore. It's not my life anymore. My life used to be pretty crappy but now it's awesome. It's funny really, how you can feel so bad and so good about the same things, or the same people.

I know I have made the right choice.

heavy happiness

I really want to write something about what it feels like leaving Cork after two years, leaving my job, starting a new life in a city I can hardly remember, leaving my friends, returning to my old friends, but I cant think of any way to express these feelings.

I want to write about the very beautiful necklace Maria gave me, and the beautiful card that almost made me cry, or how strange it feels that not only do I not live with Maria anymore, I'll also be living in a totally different country.

And it feels so good to leave and it feels so strange and life is thrown upside down and am I going to be a stranger in my own home? Or will it feel like coming home?

Home is where the heart is.

Now I'm going to buy a Hotpot at Berries for lunch for the last time, I guess.


Listening to: KROPP - Ordning

close to the end

I had the most wonderful weekend. Last week was kinda slow but it ended with happiness and cake on Friday night, which was my farewell-beer-night. The best farewell-beer-night ever. I had so much fun and I was so drunk and I ate chicken and everything was wonderful.

On Saturday I was asleep until four in the afternoon, then I staggered home from Maria's place and managed to take a shower and eat some microwave lasagna before I fell asleep again, and then on Sunday me and Maria went into town and hung out, I bought a bag, we bought some food, we went back to her place and bleached my hair and had dinner. My hair looks great now, finally managed to make it look pretty even and nice! Thanks Maria! I love it!

Today I'm packing some and tomorrow I'm hanging out with Maria for the last time. There's a very cold little stone in all the shiny happiness, the "leaving your bestest friends"-stone. I'll miss Cork, and everyone, but probably Maria the most.

Listening to: T J Rehmi - Who Killed Bhangra

ouch

So I did something with my shoulder - while sleeping I guess - and today it hurts so much it almost makes me dizzy. I have no idea what's up with that but if it still hurts tomorrow I'm going to the doctor or something.

Tonight I'm making the best stew ever for myself and Maria, and she promised to help me go through some stuff since I keep everything and I really can't do that. But I did find a place that sends parcels up to 30 kilos for 50 euros. That's pretty good I guess. Gonna have another look around.

The place I'm hopefully moving into has no rooms until thursday, in a week in other words, and I have to be out of the house by monday, so... Hmm. Life is exiting.

My shoulder hurts! Feel sorry for me! If there's any other news I forget it due to PAIN.

Oh yeah I remember! A new favorite web comic, Dovecote Crest!

Listening to: Hedningarna - Gorrlaus

EDIT: This post is dedicated to Hannah, one of the best midgets ever.

where does the good go?

Oh, I'm okay. Momentarily I get angsty - I am standing at the crossroads, there's this big change right ahead of me, I'm in transit and whatever, but I'm pretty much okay.

I just really miss some people. Most of my friends in Sweden I'm hoping on seeing pretty soon and I know the little pinch of pain when I think of the first couple of months with Joe will feel less painful in a couple of weeks.

I miss Ida.

Otherwise I'm reading the last Harry Potter book, and it's extremely scary and stuff is happening and... stuff. At the moment I'm eating end-of-the-month-dinner; pasta with leftover blue-cheese-sauce that Maria made the other day. Delicious if not a very big dinner.

Listening to: My Playlist - at the moment Leonard Cohen - Who By Fire

scary stuff

Olof had a motorcykle accident on saturday and broke a vertebra, or a spinal disk. He's in the hospital now. It's a bit scary and I don't want to think about it.

Personally I had a wonderful weekend with my wonderful boyfriend who constantly makes me very happy. We saw Terminator Salvation and I really liked it and we went for a walk in the sunshine and we hung out and we had tea and we did stuff and it was good.

Now it's pretty late and I should bake a cake and take a shower but I'm tired and slow. At least I had dinner. Spagetti bolognese which wasn't as good as I usually make it for some reason.

And oh yeah, Maria comes back on tuesday, not sunday, that was just wishful thinking.

Listening to: Lot's of stuff, at the moment Stardust by Vince Giordano's Nighthawks but also a lot of Loudon Wainwright III and his daughter Martha Wainwright even though I can't get over the fact that some of Loudon's songs are probably about her, and it makes it a bit strange. I don't listen to Rufus Wainwright though, don't like him, or their mother, who is also a singer, named Kate McGarrigle. Most of all I listen to the record Rouge's Gallery.

resolve

Maximum points at resolve! Yessss... 

(Note: That's only funny for roleplaying nerds. All you others: Ha!)

I am getting better. I am getting happier. I think the writing helps. I'm climbing back up again. Getting back on my feet. Feels good. 

Or; I'm becoming myself again.

I listen to Great Lake Swimmers because they are great. (Lake swimmers. Ha!)

Gym: good. Half ass diet: good. Hair: good. Dreams: good! Not painful, cutting through me like ice and glass and needles. Not making me empty, weak. Now I'm back to dreams of traveling, dreams of seeing the world, dreams of meeting a lot of interesting people there. Or more modest dreams, of returing to a place that used to be my home, seeing all the friends I miss so much, seeing my sisters and brothers and my mother and father and my uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents and second cousins and great granparents and so on. A lot of people to see in a short little while, but it will probably be around easter. 

Lund... the thought of the city where I have lived since my childhood but never really felt welcome is intriguing; so much has changed since I left but the real difference is that I can think about it with warm, happy thoughts. There are so many people there I want to see. I'm very much looking forward to spending a few days there. 

Oh yeah; I named my new 500 gb harddrive: Ernst Hugo. 

And tonight, in just an hour or so, Maria comes home from a weekend in Sweden with powder snow and family. But I'll be asleep by then. Even now my eyelids are getting heavy.

Tonight was Chinese and Disney with Ida. The Sword in the Stone. Great. Now seriously; bedtime.

Listening to: Uhm, guess? Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine (the glaciers made you and now youre mine...)

Dissapointment

I saw a guy at Tesco today that I flirted with at the bróg couple of weeks ago, and he was not cute at all when I was sober. Can you even begin to grasp my immense dissapointment? On the other hand I saw a guy at Tesco yesterday that I didn't flirt with this weekend, only talked to a bit, and he was much cuter when I was sober (and could actually focus). So it kindof puts me back on equilibrium, but still. Oh well. One bartender a month is enough.

This is blogpost number 200.

I looked through all my facebook albums today (Maria finally got her computer from Sweden) and got all mushy. And a bit scared since they're all from parties. Anyhow, happy times, some of them.

Mom and Robin are coming to visit me! Yay! In may. I'm looking forward to it so very very much. And I've already started on the list of stuff I'm gonna make them bring...

Today I made spaggetti bolognese. It's going to last for a week. I've been making food for at least three people every time I cook so I made the most vast amount of food ever. Also, We watched Buffy. More than half way through season two now.