Day two

12:26
Very difficult to get out of bed. Jaw still hurts like a motherbitch.

First thing after getting up - drank a lot of water. Pulled up the blinds. Took vitamins.

Had strange dreams about evil black robots.

14:31
Tired. Get cold sweats. Had to lie down. Feeling a little bit nauseated.

Cabin fever

Day one of my new life was surprisingly like my old one.

But! No coffee or cigarettes. My biggest craving has been chocolate. My jaw hurts like F***ING S**T. Cant wait for Easter to be over so that the healthcare place opens again. Or the dentist, I have no idea.

As the title suggests I am going a bit mental but I've been to emotionally drained from last night's panic attack to actually do anything. Tomorrow tho! I'll go buy lots of vegetables and some chicken and yeast free rye bread to start preparing my body for the cleansing thing. Or at least for the much smaller amounts of food I'll be eating as soon as all the detox powders and things arrive. (I ordered it today on the internet.)

Ow ow ow my jaw.

Goodnight! I'm totally proud of myself for surviving a whole day without coffee and smokes.

rebirth

So to try to do something about my depression I decided to start by changing some habits. I'll tell you about them.

Today:

• No coffee, one cup of black tea
• No candy or sugar (except for small amounts of added sugar in my food since I don't want to throw out stuff I bought just a couple of days ago...)
• lots and lots of water
• workout

The plan for the close future is a cleanse, which will start in a couple of days and which will be HORRIBLE. In no way am I going to try to kid myself that it will be easy or in any way fun. It's gonna suck. It consists of mostly broth and nutritious drinks but also allows some vegetables. Gonna try to stop smoking and I think that will be fine, it's the coffee that's difficult. Coffee is the main reason why I'm not doing the cleanse thing right away. I'm gonna try to be a bit kind to my body and do stuff gradually. So a day or two of tea before caffeine is totally out. 

Now I'm gonna start by cleaning my room. A clutter-free environment might help give me a clutter-free mind.

-----edit--------

Okay, I think Emelie might have shared her cold with me after all, or it's caffeine withdrawal, but I think no workout. I feel dizzy.

yaaaarrrrrn

Kollar på Angel och nystar spetsgarn. 1700 meter spetsgarn. Kommer kunna sticka en million sjalar.

Har ätit chilli-vitlöks-köttfärspaj med färska körsbärstomater. Supergott! Min diet funkar bra hittils, har inte gått ner i vikt men har mer energi, och har krympt min magsäck.

Har satt upp en Etsybutik, så snart jag har bra bilder på mina alster så kommer det komma upp en sväng grejer till salu!

Har även lyckats åstadkomma en rätt ordentlig köksstädning. Vet inte vart jag har fått den här energin ifrån, är väldigt trött egentligen... Men jag har i alla fall dammsugit, skurat, skrubbat, fejat, ordnat och fixat.

Fridens!

round is shape

Men jag vill ändå gå ner i vikt. Allt jag provar går åt helvete men nu känner jag mig pepp! Ny diet. (Jag avskyr ordet diet. Men.)

• inget (eller väldigt lite) fett
• mycket fiber
  
• mycket grönsaker
• inga (eller väldigt lite) snabba kolhydrater
• många små mål istället för få och stora

Nu tänkte jag alltså försöka bli smal. Krympa magsäcken med viljekraft. Det är svårt. Jag gillar att vara riktigt mätt. Men det ska räcka med bara inte hungrig. Jag vill bli av med de här dryga tio kilona NUUU... Men att räkna kalorier var inte alls min grej. Jag var hungrig jämt! Nu ska jag väl sikta på att varken bli riktigt hungrig eller riktigt mätt.

resolve

Maximum points at resolve! Yessss... 

(Note: That's only funny for roleplaying nerds. All you others: Ha!)

I am getting better. I am getting happier. I think the writing helps. I'm climbing back up again. Getting back on my feet. Feels good. 

Or; I'm becoming myself again.

I listen to Great Lake Swimmers because they are great. (Lake swimmers. Ha!)

Gym: good. Half ass diet: good. Hair: good. Dreams: good! Not painful, cutting through me like ice and glass and needles. Not making me empty, weak. Now I'm back to dreams of traveling, dreams of seeing the world, dreams of meeting a lot of interesting people there. Or more modest dreams, of returing to a place that used to be my home, seeing all the friends I miss so much, seeing my sisters and brothers and my mother and father and my uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents and second cousins and great granparents and so on. A lot of people to see in a short little while, but it will probably be around easter. 

Lund... the thought of the city where I have lived since my childhood but never really felt welcome is intriguing; so much has changed since I left but the real difference is that I can think about it with warm, happy thoughts. There are so many people there I want to see. I'm very much looking forward to spending a few days there. 

Oh yeah; I named my new 500 gb harddrive: Ernst Hugo. 

And tonight, in just an hour or so, Maria comes home from a weekend in Sweden with powder snow and family. But I'll be asleep by then. Even now my eyelids are getting heavy.

Tonight was Chinese and Disney with Ida. The Sword in the Stone. Great. Now seriously; bedtime.

Listening to: Uhm, guess? Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine (the glaciers made you and now youre mine...)