The light at the end of the tunnel

This bloody steam roller of a week is almost over. It's midnight, late thursday evening. Tomorrow is going to be hectic and Saturday too, and then it's Sunday, the day I've been waiting for for months.

I cancelled my plans today and yesterday, I just can't deal with anything at all basically. I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that don't mind me flaking at the last minute, or even better - who come to me and give me hugs. ♡

Life is good. I think that I'm in the best circumstances to deal with my overwhelming anxiety. Even if life being good is actually making my anxiety worse, it also allows me time and space to rest and breathe and deal.

Chachachachaaaanges

Changes are so stressful! I've had a ... not good, but not very bad summer. I've felt lonely and isolated. I've missed Sweden. I've dealt with psychiatrists that did not give a flying flunk about me, my feelings, my experiences and my thoughts. I've mostly been indoors. But I've been with my darling. I've been in love. I've been carefully dreaming a little about the future instead of only trying to shut all thoughts up. I've been feeling hopefull. Now fall is here and it brings storms of change, good change but still stressful because it's change.

It's difficult when you have a lot to do and remember, and your brain just sort of shuts down. I get to keep some functions. I can cook, even though I get really stressed if there's anything that doesn't go according to plan. I can worry about stuff. I can make stuff even though I also make a mess. I've been patching my infinity skirt the last couple of days, at the moment I'm on patch number 20 for this specific round and there's still a ways to go. It makes my back ache but I want to get it done. I've been making some cards and spinning some yarn and carving some stamps.

And I've started thinking about Christmas! Mmmm Christmas. I still love Christmas. Even though I've experienced some shitty ones.

More specifically I've started to think about what I should get for Chris. He's a super tricky guy to shop for.

And of course having several panic or anxiety attacks every day! Woop! Fun stuff!

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Peace

Life with C is so incredibly comfortable and comforting. He makes me feel safe and loved like no other ever have before.

He's incredible.

One year

A couple of days ago me and my lovely darling had our one year anniversary, we celebrated by being ill! Yay! Now it's the weekend and we're still both pretty crappy. But we love each other and take care of each other and cuddle extra much, as usual.

Being physically weak always makes me super sensitive and moody, and I end up thinking too much about small trivial things from my past. I think my shrink would have told me to be okay with thinking about difficult stuff but I really don't want to! So I end up listening to audio books, watching movies and TV shows and playing tons of games (especially the super cute Seabeard!) to drown out my thoughts.

While listening to books (the Joona Linna-books by Kepler and Mists of Avalon By Marion Zimmer Bradley) I've been knitting on a brioche scarf and matching mittens for a friend (who asked AGES ago), spinning yarn (as always) and drawing a LOT! And trying (again) to learn some Photoshop! Very rewarding and fun. Definitely balances up my sadness and moodiness a bit.

In a couple of weeks it's time for me to finally fix my tooth, an anesthesiologist has been booked and I will be in a drug-induced sleep during the procedure. It's super expensive so all of march will be in super-saving-mode. No excesses. But in a couple of months we're going to Stockholm! I'm so incredibly exited, it's not completely final yet but we're pretty sure we can make it. That means I might get to see my friend's play about Ayn Rand AND the Vivian Maier exhibition! And of course hug some of my favourite people on the planet! Yay!

All hearts day

Is the Swedish name for Valentine's. We're celebrating pretty seriously, it's our first Valentine's. I've never really celebrated Valentine's before, not properly.

I've been preparing all week and today it culminated in a super intense full day of crafting, wrapping gifts and... well, preparing. I don't want to give anything away.

I finally got an appointment for getting my tooth taken care of. It's ages away because I need anaesthesia and the special dentist only has the anaesthetologist (?) come in every hundred years or so.

And I've seen a psychologist, and I'm seeing her again next week, and then she's going to decide what kind of treatment I'm getting and putting me on a waiting list for that specific type of treatment. It can take six months, or more. But still, a step inthe right direction.

Now I'm going to bed because like ten or eleven hours of crafting and prepping has pretty much worn me out.

Can't sleep

Napping from eight to eleven on a Sunday night was probably not a great idea but it was unavoidable.

I guess today has been the start of something, really the start. We moved Chris' stuff to the new apartment. We won't move my stuff until later but yeah, I'm going to be moving to Denmark.

I've been stressed out and testy and moody but mostly it's been manageable. Looking forward to getting everything in order.

Pains

My head is hurring. And my stomach.

I keep thinking about the stuff we talked about and I feel like... What's wrong with me? Seriously? Am I really this fucking stupid? Or do I want to hurt him? Is it a subconscious thing where I try to push him away because he's too amazing? Someone so kind and loving and beautiful will surely get sick of me SO WHY NOT FORCE THAT

Rage

Recent mood: angry a lot. Want to scream. Get super tense and it drains me of energy.

What am I mad about? I don't know. Things in the past probably. I get super sensitive and sounds disturb me a lot and I get angry and sad and I try to contain it and it either makes me super tired and I fall asleep or I scream and break down completely.

Everthing is so difficult. I can't ever really relax. Feels like I'm in an iron maiden (the torture device, not the band) and if I stand extremely still I'm almost okay but I can't stand still. Every pinprick hurts so much. Makes me break down.

Every little thing breaks my mind.

Like getting dressed and realizing that it's not warm enough and having to take it off and put on other clothes. (Ten minutes of hysteric crying.)

Or getting home from the airport with a couple of heavy bags and the electronic door lock is malfunctioning and I have to go in through the other door and walk up one flight of stairs to get to the elevator. (Constant mental screaming.)

Or sometimes waking up in the morning. (Mind completely disintegrates and I descend into madness.)

Sometimes anything, dropping something on the floor, forgetting my headphones at home, having too much to do or not enough... any tiny thing can send me into the darkness. I hate it. I get moody and snappy and I hate the person I become. I hate being so angry.

I have supportive people around me though. My therapist is pretty good so far (even though the last session left me feeling like everything is just completely meaningless for some reason that I can't figure out) and my person/partner/manfriend/significant other is super smart and sensitive and kind and understanding wich is so amazing. I'm scared he'll get tired of me since I'm always scared people will get tired of me but I can't remember feeling so connected to anyone before. I love him so much. Just thinking about him calms me down.

I hate my life and I want to die

No news there I guess

I am alone and everything is meaningless and people are crap and I am poor and can't afford to eat food and my existence is so completely meaningless.

I focus on that dude and hate myself even more for it but I love him and I don't really have a whole lot else to focus on when everything is like this

I want to die

But I don't want to because of this one person who I love and who loves me back

It's so pathetic, he has a life and I just sit in my room with this heavy sadness pressing me down through my bed, not letting me breathe

And I can't even take comfort in the thought of death anymore

My roomies are eating something that smells nice but I'm not invited I guess, they haven't been inviting me to eat with them lately, I don't know why. We used to eat together. Now I guess we don't.

Seriously there is nothing at all in my life that gives it any sort of meaning expect for him. It's a too big responsibility. He shouldn't have to carry that. But I can't really figure out a way to fix it. Or anything else.

I hate everything. Why is this my life. Why is everything so horrible. Fuck.

Much too much

It feels like I'm losing control, like the world is spinning too fast and existence is an illusion.

I don't know what I need or what I should do, don't know what's right or wrong, don't know anything at all except that it feels bad to go to bed alone after a few nights with him.

So much things spinning around in my head right now. Too much. Chaos fills me.

He left just a few hours ago and we skyped for two after he came home. And I still miss him so much. When we're together I get stressed out from feeling like I have to make every second count. I can't relax. When we're apart I just want to be with him. I feel stupid, like a stupid kid. He's just the most wonderful person, I can't even explain how good he is. He's so much better than me. He's so kind and loving and caring and I'm mostly a nervous wreck. I'm demanding and grumpy and rude and in general just a bitch. (To everyone! And if I'm not then I'm probably really tense. I don't have the energy to be nice.)

I don't deserve him and I know it's a cliché and I know I'm being stupid but he's so much better than me. He has the most beautiful personality. He's so funny and cuddly and warm.

I want to be close to him all the time. I'm scared that I'm being too ... obsessed.

Shrink tomorrow. And so much stuff happening the next few days that my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

I probably need to be alone for a couple of days. But I won't. To much to do. I hate everything a little.

When he leaves

My stomach hurts. And my head. I have separation anxiety. I'll see him again in a few days, it shouldn't be a big deal. Maybe having a relationship with someone in America made all long distance relationships feel like horror.

I couldn't go with him to the train. I've been acting nuts all day today. Whiny and restless and touchy.

My bed still feels warm from his body but it's so empty now. Everthing feels strange and boring. He's so much fun and so smart and good. He's so kind and loving. He's wise and calm. When I cry for no reason he holds me. When I act like an idiot he forgives me.

I love him. I don't want to be apart from him.

This dude

He's more perfect than I can possibly grasp, every time I look at him I feel almost chocked from just how good he looks, every time I talk to him I realize over again how incredible he is. He keeps surprising me with awesomeness and kindness and an inner beauty that inspires me more than I can say.

I know that he's amazing and wonderful but he surprises me anyways, by being more amazing and wonderful than I can imagine any person being. I feel like I would fall in love with every part of him individually and combined it's just impossible to not love him even more.

I can't remember the last time I felt like I needed someone so much. It's overwhelming.

Is love like being bipolar?

Stupid

I'm so scared. My brain constantly comes up with completely valid reasons why everything will go wrong.

But he just smiles at me and says something that makes my worries dissappear. Like a magician. Like he knows exactly what I need to hear.

I can see his feelings shimmer in his eyes and I can't say anything to make it better, I don't know that magic.

But I love him and it feels like that love makes all the love I have stronger. Like it makes me a better person.

I know none of this is original or unique in any way but it feels like it is. I know I'm delusional from dopamine and oxytocin but have you seen this guy? He has a face and arms and hands and everything. It's amazing.

whirlwinds

I could fall in love with him, I thought. I could love him.

He kept surprising me. I kept surprising myself. He was so perfect, and in my head that "could" disappeared. I love you my inner voice whispered. I couldn't say it. It was too soon. The voice got louder. Soon it was difficult to not say it out loud.

Every time I was close to saying it I kissed him instead. And in the kisses I felt him answer. I love you too.

In his eyes, in his hands, it was there. I love you.

I tried to explain it instead of saying it. Those words are taboo, so hard to say. Instead I said all the other things, all the parts of the feeling. He did too.

Still, saying it out loud felt like a release. The feeling that had come into me and started shining like a sun. I was so scared that I made him say it first but we both knew by then, I think. He was scared too.

It was like all the clichés in the world. It was romantic and beautiful. It felt, still feels, like everything is going to be okay. Or better than okay. It feels like... I didn't even think it could feel like this, I could feel like this. I thought I was too broken.

It feels good.

the end of emptiness

I thought it would save me but it's breaking my heart. Isolation is not the way to happiness. Protip. Emptiness will break your heart worse than love. Worse than anything.

I think I was isolating myself so that I would be able to die, without hurting anyone, and so that my depression wouldn't harm others while I was still alive. I was wrong though!

I'm going to stop. I'm going to try to stop cutting people off, pushing people away. I'm going to do my best. If not for myself than for the people who I affect without even knowing it. The people who I make any kind of positive change for by being who I am.

I think the phase I'm in right now is really tiresome to the people in my life since I'm talking about myself a lot but it's so damn good for me. Hearing other people's stories and comparing them to mine.

I'm thankful for my friends.

love and anti social behaviors

I love people so much and I'm so scared of them and I demand more from them than they can ever give. Because I had so many incredible people in my life. People who were honest and loving. "You expect everyone to be Jesus" a friend said, but I don't, I just expect people to be as good as I know that they can be. I'm scared of being rejected so I reject. If I push everyone away then they can't hurt me.

So if anyone in my life does anything that I perceive as "wrong", I will decide that they are unworthy and not trust them anymore. But I will treat others "wrong" and demand that they accept me. This is a "thought trap". A thing I do to stay in my little mental pit of despair because just sitting at the bottom, moping, is easier than climbing, because climbing means the possibility of falling.

I need to demand more of myself and accept others. I do have so much love for everyone but I push it down, deep inside me, until it's rotten and horrible. Then I get it out and show it to myself as some kind of proof that the world is bad. I have to stop doing that, that is just nuts.

Rejection is a part of life. I don't want to be so scared of everything. I can't just sit in my room and never call anyone and never ask if anyone want's to hang out out of fear of rejection and the feeling of being unworthy of other human beings. That's crazy. I really want to figure out how to stop being so nuts.

I'm so happy I have people in my life who stay there and who help me. I'm gonna make it. Let love rule and stuff. I'm gonna be more hippie and less reclusive.

Angsty angst

Today my heart is hurting. I long to be loved with passion, loved above all others.

But I am too broken. Too broken to be loved for real, too broken to love, to give good love. 

I am too worthless in my own eyes. I am too disgusting and ugly and stupid. 

I know I'm wrong but that doesn't mean I don't believe it. 

I'm smart and broken, I make people uncomfortable with my weakness and strength, my stupidity and my intelligence. I always think that people will understand things that I understand. But they don't. Expect the smartest ones of course. And they understand me too well. I never realized before that I might actually be really smart, and that that is one of my problems. 

Yesterday I realized that I'm not supposed to know when people are lying. Like white lies. Everyday lies. "I'm tired" instead of "I'm so sad". I always answer the meaning instead of the actual words and that makes people annoyed and I'm too stupid to even realize it. I'm too stupid to realize that I'm smart. It's stupid. 

I started figuring it out the last year or so and by now people I truly trust have told me so many times that I actually started believing it. But of course it's not something you should talk about. 

It's stupid. I'm smart and beautiful and I don't believe in it. And I can't talk about it. Because you don't say stuff like that. 

The smartest people I know respect me. That should really be enough. 

Pod, metaphors, Christmas, motherly love

Some news my beloved readers!

- I have, with my dear, dear friend Alexandra, started a podcast that you should listen to!

- On Saturday I'm metaphor wrestling for the fourth time (I think)! It's great fun! Come and watch it if you are in Skåne! Inkonst, eight o'clock, free entrance! I won't be catpuppy this time. I will channel the Amazing Grace! She is from America and she likes God and Freedom and Guns.

- I have baked ginger snaps, or "pepper cookies" (literal translation from swedish). This is one of my two Christmas traditions. The other is making and sending cards. Woop!

- My mother came by yesterday with a gift calendar! The advent calendar is a big deal in sweden. There are lots of different ones. There's even an official one from the free tv and radio thing. It's a socialist thing. Yay sweden! Anyway the gift calendars are a fun way to spend more money on small objects for your beloved ones. I am so happy for mine! Even though I won't be giving away anything for Christmas myself.

I think that's all the news. I've been feeling down the last few days and decided to quit alcohol for a few weeks. I painted a painting that turned out pretty horrible. I bought a new eye shadow. I watched all of the new season of Downton. I ate some chocolate. I decided to make a doll thing that I still haven't started making.

Hugs and kisses from your favorite bloggie <3

Ah woman

I'm so hooked on her I can't even think straight. I forgot to take my meds this morning. I feel scared and confused and intoxicated.

And I probably come on too strong. I probably scared her off. I haven't fallen in love in a while and I thought it was my meds but now I realized that it's just me not falling in love. Because suddenly I think I am and I'm not sure that I like it.

What a weekend

On Friday I think I partied for 11 or 12 straight hours which is unusual for me! At least the last few years. I was at a mingle event and met an old friend, ate amazing sushi at izakaya koi, drank wine and irish coffee and weird grogs at Kalle's place and went to a party where I met a lot of new and exciting people! Some of whom I later had a fantastic night with.

On Saturday I was pretty hung over but it was a good day anyway. Today is my mother's birthday and we went to a viking market with Robin, who bought me a necklace that I fell so madly in love with. It's made of black oak with a bronze bead. I can't really say what I love so much about it but I never want to take it off. I think I'm going to make it my turn around symbol. Years of pressure and hardship has made me stronger and wiser and better. Black oak is mostly reclaimed wood from old sunken ships. (Robin has a peice found in an old well, and one found deep underground while making the city tunnel in Malmö.) I recognized it immediately and the man who sold it said that I was the first who did. I wish I had asked where this particular wood is from.

Anyway; my turn around symbol because I am getting stronger and things are turning around. I feel better and better. When stuff is difficult I think that I'm one of billions of people on a small rock hurtling through space. And as such I have everything I need. So the black oak, from a tree that grew over hundreds of years and then, after that, was probably felled and made into something by someone, and then, after that, waited for hundreds of years more before coming to me, will remind me of a lot of things.

Everthing passes. Everthing has an end. Good and bad.
Life is amazing and filled with surprises and love and beauty.
I, too, am made stronger from my experiences.
My whole existence - from womb to tomb - is nothing compared to this tiny peice of wood, once a living thing. And THAT in turn is nothing compared to the silly little rock it once grew on. This silly beautiful rock hurtling through space.
Stuff is going to get better from now on.

I also bought a small pot of smoked salt and some other small trinkets. And I finally did the vacuuming.

Now I think I'll watch a horror movie before bed.