doggo

I'm sitting in our office, drinking juice. The dog is asleep in the bedroom, we went on a long walk earlier and he's still pretty pooped. It was nice getting out in the sunshine. I've been cooped up for a while, playing video games and talking to friends online and generally clinging to the main social exchange I have. And feeling bad about wasting time while still having to admit that social connections are important and probably good for my mental health. It's a quite strange combo.

It's been an unusually long time since my last post. Getting a dog turned out to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done and it sparked a period of depression that was worse than it's been in quite long.

But it's slowly stabilising again. I lost a beloved family member and that made it pretty much worse again, but by now I'm starting to feel like a human again.

I'm trying to create good habits and routines but that shit is so hard. Even if I write strict schedules for myself I keep forgetting or losing track of them.



Listening to: Blank Maps by Cold Specs

Nn

A very long day is over and I'm in bed with hair dye still in my hair because I'm simply too tired to wash it out in the middle of the night and then waiting for my hair to dry at least a little. It's probably going to be a pain to wash it out tomorrow morning but I'm going to sleep either way! Now! It's almost one and I got up at seven thirty, a much longer day than I'm used to!

I'm very excited about tomorrow! (Not only because of the shower I'm gonna take.)

Goodnight internet ♡

The light at the end of the tunnel

This bloody steam roller of a week is almost over. It's midnight, late thursday evening. Tomorrow is going to be hectic and Saturday too, and then it's Sunday, the day I've been waiting for for months.

I cancelled my plans today and yesterday, I just can't deal with anything at all basically. I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that don't mind me flaking at the last minute, or even better - who come to me and give me hugs. ♡

Life is good. I think that I'm in the best circumstances to deal with my overwhelming anxiety. Even if life being good is actually making my anxiety worse, it also allows me time and space to rest and breathe and deal.

Emotional overload

I should be happy, because my life is amazing. But the excitement and happiness is so overwhelming that I just have intense physical anxiety. All the time. And a whole lot mental too.

Yay.

Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

Nine years and eleven months

Since I started writing on this blog! In one month (approximately) the blog will be 10 years old. That means I was 22 when I started writing it. A lot has happened since then.

Right now I'm sitting in the floor in my craft room. I'm drinking tea. It's cold. I'm talking to a good friend on messenger. About narcissists. Last night I read this article and so much fell into place. Everything I went through at school in Leksand about four years ago suddenly made sense. It was like reading a checklist, or like someone had been watching exactly everything that happened. I was the perfect victim for a narcissist. I was so easy to manipulate. To befriend, to turn against. To turn everyone else against. I wish people weren't so willing to turn against me.

But it answered the question that has been on my mind almost constantly since then: why?

Why did this happen? What did I do?

I'll always be grateful for the people who didn't eat up every lie she spread like it was some kind of divine truth. The people who had my back, who helped and supported me. And most of all to the few that are still my friends. Those people show me that I'm actually okay, I'm not some kind of monster. Because if I was, I would not get to have the coolest, most amazing, kindest, most thoughtful, talented friends.

I can't say losing people who listen to rumors and accept lies is a huge loss.

Chachachachaaaanges

Changes are so stressful! I've had a ... not good, but not very bad summer. I've felt lonely and isolated. I've missed Sweden. I've dealt with psychiatrists that did not give a flying flunk about me, my feelings, my experiences and my thoughts. I've mostly been indoors. But I've been with my darling. I've been in love. I've been carefully dreaming a little about the future instead of only trying to shut all thoughts up. I've been feeling hopefull. Now fall is here and it brings storms of change, good change but still stressful because it's change.

It's difficult when you have a lot to do and remember, and your brain just sort of shuts down. I get to keep some functions. I can cook, even though I get really stressed if there's anything that doesn't go according to plan. I can worry about stuff. I can make stuff even though I also make a mess. I've been patching my infinity skirt the last couple of days, at the moment I'm on patch number 20 for this specific round and there's still a ways to go. It makes my back ache but I want to get it done. I've been making some cards and spinning some yarn and carving some stamps.

And I've started thinking about Christmas! Mmmm Christmas. I still love Christmas. Even though I've experienced some shitty ones.

More specifically I've started to think about what I should get for Chris. He's a super tricky guy to shop for.

And of course having several panic or anxiety attacks every day! Woop! Fun stuff!

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Denmark

You smile at a stranger with a cute dog. They don't smile back.

You call somewhere. A clinic perhaps. They say that someone will call you back shortly. They never do.

You're waiting to cross the street. The light switches to green. Before you're half way over it's red again.

You speak to a shopkeeper while being a woman. They are rude and unwilling to answer any questions.

You lie in your bed at night. You're trying to sleep. Outside your window people are screaming or singing. It's late at night on a Tuesday. A motorcycle drives past, the motor is very loud.

You exit your apartment. The stairwell stinks of cigarette smoke, piss and beer. 

You want to sort your garbage. You want to throw paper and plastic in separate bins. You cannot. There is only one bin.

You want to go out and do something fun without drinking. You cannot. There is nothing else than pubs.

You want to eat at a restaurant, but you don't want to eat meat. You cannot.

Denmark.

Marathon

I've had some serious netflix (and vlc I guess) quality time the last few days. Sleepy Hollow, Wayward Pines, Kimmy Schmidt, Brooklyn 99. Spinning tons of yarn (actually grams because it was silk. But probably kilometers), drinking tea and generally relaxing. And also cleaning up a lot. The apartment looks like a place where grownups live! Amazing!

Adult weekend

The last bit of port, some dates, Sleepy Hollow (the show, not the movie) and spinning silk thread. A very enjoyable Saturday evening.

Soon: dragon age origins!

Miracles

Today a stressful thing happened and I was hungry and I handled it. I was completely in chock. I would normally start shaking really bad, panic, cry, get angry, need to just put everything down and go sit down in another room and generally not handle it well at all. Today I swore loudly and then carried on with what I was doing, not realising until after a little while that I managed to handle the situation. The thing that happened was that the chord for the immersion blender slid onto the stove top because the kitchen counter was too cluttered, and it melted a tiny bit.

Anything to do with things breaking usually garners some hysterical tears at least. But I just finished making lunch like a boss! Even though it had already been a pretty long day with some major bad news concerning a close friend, and I had low blood sugar.

I feel so proud.

The last few days have been really good in general, and usually a few good days means that I get emotionally unstable and have a few bad days since I used up all my happy. This will probably still happen, but I'm impressed that it hasn't happened yet.

We did a pretty big cleanup on Sunday. On Monday I went to the dentist and got my temporary filling swapped for a permanent one and on Monday evening an old friend came to visit, and she stayed until this morning. Last night C's workmate came over and I made a large dinner for the four of us before we went to the board game night, and after that me and my friend went for a glass of wine (beer in her case) before returning home. So several quite intense days without running out of spoons!

Today in the evening I've felt like life is a little bit difficult but I did manage to make a really nice dinner (sweet potato/coconut/lime/ginger soup with roasted chickpeas)! So I still feel proud of myself. Everything counts. Every small bit of progress is worth being happy about.

Now I'm planning on a few days of proactive rest before C's family comes to visit and soon after that we go to Sweden for a wedding! So much stuff happening!

Whoa, it's almost three in the morning. Time for bed.

Thanks for reading  <3

New year

Same old lactose intolerance. Note to self; don't buy the cheapest cheese. Because it is not naturally lactose free like most cheeses that have been aged like a month or something.

On the other hand I got some super awesome gifts this Christmas! Me and Chris spent it with his family in England, vegetating on sofas for most part of a three week vacation. It was wonderful.

And it's equally wonderful to be back home. Where clothes are optional. And where tap water is drinkable (if slightly more rich in lime (not the fruit) than I thought was even possible).

We finished season three of x files and I watched season one and two of black sails. We're watching parks and rec (we're at the end of season four I think).

We started a couple of art projects together.

Life is pretty good.

Nothing happened

My past is full of betrayals, my head is full of horrible memories, my heart is full of pain. Still, after all this time. Details have started melting away but the pain is fresh.

But in reality, nothing happened. There was no consequences. Being bullied and thrown out of school for being unpopular  (yes, it actually happened) led to me being lost and broke and homeless but I'm still alive, I had wonderful friends who took me in and now there's not really any consequences left. I don't have the education that I wanted but on the other hand I didn't have to spend any more time in that place.

Having pretty much all my valuables stolen by someone I trusted led to me not having some things that meant a lot to me - the sewing machine my parents and grand parents gave me for my 25th birthday, the amazing digital camera I bought from one of my best friends, a hard drive with all the photos I ever took and even my sex toys(!!!) - but at least I don't have him in my life anymore. I miss my stuff a lot still, but the ice cold betrayal hurts more. I thought he was my friend, but he lied and schemed and spread rumours and, well, stole shitloads of things from me. I feel so disgusted by it. He even beat up my father.

How does a human being sink so extremely low?

I know that there are worse people. Murders and wars and bombs and assaults happen daily. I just don't understand it. Mean, selfish, cold people prey on the weak. I was weak. I was extremely depressed already, he made me think that he cared about me and then he threw me out and stole all my valuable things. Personally valuable or monetarily valuable didn't seem to matter, so it wasn't only about personal gain for him. It was about doing as much damage as he could.

And what happened? I moved to a way nicer place. I got rid of a horrible person. In general my quality of life improved.

Nothing happened. I'm okay. I'm still battling depression but as mentioned I was before that asshat took advantage of me, before I went to that shithole school. Even before I lost my job.

One day, I'll get better. They never will. You can't get better from being a really fucking bad person. You will always have done what you have done.

Not awesome

Today I made teriyaki sauce from scratch AND tempura vegetables! Both were terrible. Biggest food fail in years.

Been in a horrible mood all day.

Now I'm going to bed.

Today's achievements: got the shelves in the kitchen properly set up. Reorganised the cupboards. Made a complicated dinner (wich turned out bad, but I still did it). Fixed a bank thing. Booked tickets to Sweden. Spun some yarn.

Me forever

I'll always be me. I'll never get to be anyone else. I'll never get rid of my past. The things that have happened to me will always have happened. The person that I am will always keep being me. I'll never get rid of myself. I'll never be free from my memories. From the insane pain of all those betrayals.

I don't know how to move on, let go. I don't know how to handle my feelings. I don't know how to process my memories. I don't know how to live, how to find myself or get back out into the light.

People keep telling me that I'll get better but I have no idea how. It doesn't just pass by itself. It doesn't just get better. The memories don't go away.

I want to accept that but I don't know how to do that either. I'm stuck between hate and pain and I have no idea what to do about it.

I think that I'll be sad, angry, in pain for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Maybe I should be? Maybe I should accept that this is what I am now? A broken down mess, a few jagged pieces of my former self. Maybe I should try to fight it? Put myself back together? Or build a new me? I don't know. I don't know what is right or wrong. Good or bad.

All I know is that I'm tired of all of it.

Springtime in my blood

I wake up at eight every morning (for days now) and manage to fill my days with things that feel meaningful.

Last night I stayed awake until real late and talked with my darling and it was good. Now I think that I might crawl back into bed for a tiny bit even though I've been up for two hours and had breakfast and coffee and stuff.

My plan for today is to clean my room thoroughly. And find some way of mixing watercolors in a spray bottle and maybe some more stuff.

Right after this nap.

Small victories

I went to bed before three. I did an important thing. I beat my high score at a meaningless game on my phone. I finished "Enders game" on audio book and started on "Enders shadow". I really like them. I started on a realistic painting based on a selfie I took this morning. I focused too much on detail and now it looks wonky but I can probably fix it tomorrow.

Goodnight. 

Beat the heat

For a couple of days the south of sweden has been extremely hot. Yesterday I made a moussaka and a banoffi pie with a merengue topping. It was insanely hot in the kitchen. And outside it. I tried putting on makeup. It didn't really work out.

I bought a fan, the kind that folds up and doesn't need a battery. I'm happy that I did.

The dinner turned out great and in the evening I went for a sunset swim. Very lovely.

Today there has been quite a lot of thunder and lots and lots of rain. It's sticky and hot and my friend's car's alarm went off because of a lightning strike close by. We're watching top gear and sweating.

Over and out.

What a weekend

On Friday I think I partied for 11 or 12 straight hours which is unusual for me! At least the last few years. I was at a mingle event and met an old friend, ate amazing sushi at izakaya koi, drank wine and irish coffee and weird grogs at Kalle's place and went to a party where I met a lot of new and exciting people! Some of whom I later had a fantastic night with.

On Saturday I was pretty hung over but it was a good day anyway. Today is my mother's birthday and we went to a viking market with Robin, who bought me a necklace that I fell so madly in love with. It's made of black oak with a bronze bead. I can't really say what I love so much about it but I never want to take it off. I think I'm going to make it my turn around symbol. Years of pressure and hardship has made me stronger and wiser and better. Black oak is mostly reclaimed wood from old sunken ships. (Robin has a peice found in an old well, and one found deep underground while making the city tunnel in Malmö.) I recognized it immediately and the man who sold it said that I was the first who did. I wish I had asked where this particular wood is from.

Anyway; my turn around symbol because I am getting stronger and things are turning around. I feel better and better. When stuff is difficult I think that I'm one of billions of people on a small rock hurtling through space. And as such I have everything I need. So the black oak, from a tree that grew over hundreds of years and then, after that, was probably felled and made into something by someone, and then, after that, waited for hundreds of years more before coming to me, will remind me of a lot of things.

Everthing passes. Everthing has an end. Good and bad.
Life is amazing and filled with surprises and love and beauty.
I, too, am made stronger from my experiences.
My whole existence - from womb to tomb - is nothing compared to this tiny peice of wood, once a living thing. And THAT in turn is nothing compared to the silly little rock it once grew on. This silly beautiful rock hurtling through space.
Stuff is going to get better from now on.

I also bought a small pot of smoked salt and some other small trinkets. And I finally did the vacuuming.

Now I think I'll watch a horror movie before bed.

Oh

What a night, what a day, what a week. What a ...life. Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant tumble down a slope. Down down down. I roll and fall. Sometimes there's shitloads of rocks. Sometimes there isn't.

Maybe that's the big secret. You keep falling all the time and sometimes you're not in pain and that's good. And that's it.

I started a new painting. I finished a shawl. I kissed a boy. I watched some anime. Life goes on. And one day it all ends and all the knowledge in my brain just ceases to exist. All my feelings and memories dissappear and nothing that I've done and nothing that has been done to me matters anymore.

I like that thought.