Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

Nine years and eleven months

Since I started writing on this blog! In one month (approximately) the blog will be 10 years old. That means I was 22 when I started writing it. A lot has happened since then.

Right now I'm sitting in the floor in my craft room. I'm drinking tea. It's cold. I'm talking to a good friend on messenger. About narcissists. Last night I read this article and so much fell into place. Everything I went through at school in Leksand about four years ago suddenly made sense. It was like reading a checklist, or like someone had been watching exactly everything that happened. I was the perfect victim for a narcissist. I was so easy to manipulate. To befriend, to turn against. To turn everyone else against. I wish people weren't so willing to turn against me.

But it answered the question that has been on my mind almost constantly since then: why?

Why did this happen? What did I do?

I'll always be grateful for the people who didn't eat up every lie she spread like it was some kind of divine truth. The people who had my back, who helped and supported me. And most of all to the few that are still my friends. Those people show me that I'm actually okay, I'm not some kind of monster. Because if I was, I would not get to have the coolest, most amazing, kindest, most thoughtful, talented friends.

I can't say losing people who listen to rumors and accept lies is a huge loss.

All hearts day

Is the Swedish name for Valentine's. We're celebrating pretty seriously, it's our first Valentine's. I've never really celebrated Valentine's before, not properly.

I've been preparing all week and today it culminated in a super intense full day of crafting, wrapping gifts and... well, preparing. I don't want to give anything away.

I finally got an appointment for getting my tooth taken care of. It's ages away because I need anaesthesia and the special dentist only has the anaesthetologist (?) come in every hundred years or so.

And I've seen a psychologist, and I'm seeing her again next week, and then she's going to decide what kind of treatment I'm getting and putting me on a waiting list for that specific type of treatment. It can take six months, or more. But still, a step inthe right direction.

Now I'm going to bed because like ten or eleven hours of crafting and prepping has pretty much worn me out.

Feels

Normally I get to bed pretty late but today I'm pretty tired. So I'm going to bed super early in stead.

Miss my darling. Miss him so much. All the time.

We're working out the issues that arise in polygamous relationships. It's going well. But I worry, because I am a human. I want to have a full life even though I love someone who is very far away from me. I want hugs and cuddles and stuff.

Also the last episode I watched of Fringe was so sad.

Otherwise it's been a good day. Done dishes and vacuuming and some tidying up. Talked to people I like.

Now I'm just really cold. Ugh.

fear

So quickly. Everything changes so quickly. I change, and the situation changes. When everything is crappy and I have nothing to be happy about, and have to fight through every day, then I know exactly who I am and what I'm doing. But when everything is fucking magically wondergreat I have no fucking clue what the fuck is going on.

I like the saying "attitude is everything" because I fully believe that you create your own life. With a positive attitude life is easier and problems seem smaller. I met a man once who enjoyed pain - not in the kinky way, but emotionally. It made him feel alive, human. His life was easy and nice and when his emotions where hurt is was... an interesting experience for him. Everything is what you make it. Painful situations are only painful because you perceive them as painful. It's all in your mind.

I really do believe in this, but still I can't control myself. Life is good now. There are always shadows and less than perfect aspects in life but you choose how much you want them to affect you. Fights with family members are hard to just ignore but it doesn't have to affect other aspects of life. I can still feel happy and safe. That particular situation makes me sad but not depressed - I'm sad about that, but not sad in general. In general everything is extremely fucking sweet. And I am doing my best to fuck up.

Fear is the path that leads to the dark side. And fear is the mind killer. It's the truth, really. And when I feel strong I can look at my fear and see that it is only a mind ghost, nothing real, nothing relevant. I can focus on all that is beautiful in my life and feel calm and happy. But then sometimes I am weak and I can't fight back and the fear grows into horror and I panic and I fear my fears most of all, and they take over, and I hate myself for being weak and it makes me weaker.

I don't want it to be this way. I don't want to have to carry this weight. I don't want to have to fight, I don't want the darkness in my life. I don't want to ruin everything good.

Some days I don't have to fight, some days I fight and win, but sometimes I can't find that ray of light to hold on to even if it's shining really strong and some times it's not really shining at all and then I'm lost in the dark. I need to find the light in me I guess. The belief in myself, not in anyone else. The knowledge that I'll make it through whatever happens, that I deserve goodness in my life and that it's not going to go away just because of some small thing that isn't even real.

I know what I have is the best I could ever dream of.

the weather

It's warm here, like summer. Sun sometimes even. The water in the river changes quickly. I don't write this blog for anyone else but obviously people do read it.

Guys. They seem so confused. All of them. Often I know what I want. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Guys mostly seem to want you if you want someone else. If you actually like them they find something else to be interested in. Anything else. Maybe if I became a nun I would get dinner and a movie? (I never had dinner and a movie. I wish someone would ask me out to dinner and a movie. Maybe give me flowers. It would be knda sweet. Okay, I wouldn't want to carry around flowers all night, but still. And okay, the last time I was dating we actually went to the theatre and to a concert and stuff. Which is good, I guess.)

Oh whatever. Today I received an email from Joe LondonBartender. He was confused and I was to for a while. And I was sad for a while. And a bit angry. And then I decided that I mostly just miss him a lot.

Yesterday I had a celeb customer. Today I had a stupid customer. The most stupid maybe. Ever. (Norwegian of course.)

Time for bed. The neighbours are having a loud party.

waking up is hard to do

I'm so tired. So so tired. Took me half an hour to wake up.

Looking forward to this film.

Also, general wierdness. Me and Ida were trying to define the rules a bit. It's hard to know how peoples relationships really work around here.

Yesterday we had dinner at Amalie's. A sort of fish gratin with vegetables, white wine and lots of cheese. It was great. Tonight I will make funny lasagna (the kind with chicken, spinach, rocket and blue cheese among other things) for Dave since he housewatches for us when the internet people come to give us the internet. So today we get internet to our house. Only Sara has a working computer, but at least we can download Buffy.

Beautiful weather today. My head hurts.