Sunday 18 May 2014


Sometimes there's a lot of anger, sometimes sadness. The feeling of being powerless.

But I'm always wondering why. What made him hate me so much? What made him want to hurt me so badly? What made him lie and steal and threaten and beat up my dad?

Why? How can a person want to be so mean?

If it was just my valuables and not my clothes and my teddy bear and the things I knitted I guess I could have understood that. I guess I would have thought that it was just about the money that he could get from selling my stuff. But it's so much more. He couldn't sell my underwear. He must have taken it only to hurt me. And to want to hurt someone so much, it's scary. It's sick.

I can't understand it. I can't understand why.

Wednesday 14 May 2014

Are you a fox?

In my dreams I'm giggling. In real life I'm knitting. And trying to figure out a nice hood for my poncho.

Lost in a plethora of tabs.


What a night, what a day, what a week. What a Sometimes I feel like my life is a constant tumble down a slope. Down down down. I roll and fall. Sometimes there's shitloads of rocks. Sometimes there isn't.

Maybe that's the big secret. You keep falling all the time and sometimes you're not in pain and that's good. And that's it.

I started a new painting. I finished a shawl. I kissed a boy. I watched some anime. Life goes on. And one day it all ends and all the knowledge in my brain just ceases to exist. All my feelings and memories dissappear and nothing that I've done and nothing that has been done to me matters anymore.

I like that thought.

Tuesday 13 May 2014

Love hurts

But so do a lot of stuff.

Thursday 8 May 2014


I'm at a xylophone concert. I did not expect to be on a xylophone concert. But I am.

It's amazing.

Wednesday 7 May 2014

Can't sleep

My meds make me really... strange. It's hard to know if they turn me off or make ne feel better. At the moment I don't really feel anything.

I'm tired and I can't sleep.
I'm happy that sweden made it to the final of the eurovision.
I miss my camera.
I'm thinking that maybe I'll get a piercing or two. Before summer comes along for real.

But mostly I don't really feel anything.

Is it good or bad? Is it just the absence of pain or is it actually the absence of feelings? Did I do the right thing when I broke up with both of my boyfriends?

I think so. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe that is what this is. I don't know.

I should try to sleep.

Friday 2 May 2014

tasty chaos

When my life seems to just spin out of control again I make dinner for my friends. I stand in the kitchen and for a little while I can do something. I have it under control. I know what's going on. I know what I want and how to do stuff. I'm doing three things at once without problem. I'm frying and mixing and cutting and spicing and stirring and the results make people happy. I've done something tangible that people like. I put a little bit of my love in there and it comes out wonderful.

I do something that I feel confident about and it's easy and the results are great.

There is probably nothing like it.

Yeah there is! Hah! I do lots of great stuff. There's a few things - grownup things, important things - that's difficult for me, but I do a lot of things well too.

I feel pretty good about that.