Being a creative person with a depression

[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Ugh. Whenever I let my mind wander I get super obsessive over shitty stuff
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Like that one time I said something wrong at a party
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Or that one person who probably thinks I'm an idiot
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: Or that time I was kinda mean to someone
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: And then I get upset over caring about people who don't matter at all
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I OBSESSING OVER THIS
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: And then I go on to obsess over some other meaningless shit!
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Or keep obsessing over the same shit some more
[17/09 16:32] Kristina: It's so difficult to do anything when my brain just screams at me "YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN YOU GOT TOO DRUNK AND ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK SO BAD YOU'RE A SOCIAL RETARD"
[17/09 16:34] Kristina: "Why do you even paint you're so exceptionally awful at it there is nothing good or original about anything you do hahaha you're so fucking bad at everything"
[17/09 16:35] Kristina: And I try to explain to my brain that not everything has to be original, there are GENRES for a reason, it's not like I can invent new colors. And I'll never get better by avoiding the things I like. But my brain doesn't care at all. It just starts screaming about something else.
[17/09 16:36] Kristina: It's so hard to focus with this constant hate in my head
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: This happens EVERY TIME I don't have some kind of thing to entertain me
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I always watch stuff or listen to books
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I hate going to bed if I'm not tired enough to fall asleep immediately
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: Just listening to music doesn't help
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: The same when I play games that don't take almost all of my attention
[17/09 16:44] Kristina: Like any situation where I have a possibility to think about anything

Red wine and ideas

I was out with my mom tonight! It was really nice. We came up with a lot of great ideas and now I feel so inspired that I don't want to go to sleep.

I've already been up about an hour or an hour and a half since I came home (and I walked home!) so I think it's about time to call it a night. Damn that irish coffee at nine...

tasty chaos

When my life seems to just spin out of control again I make dinner for my friends. I stand in the kitchen and for a little while I can do something. I have it under control. I know what's going on. I know what I want and how to do stuff. I'm doing three things at once without problem. I'm frying and mixing and cutting and spicing and stirring and the results make people happy. I've done something tangible that people like. I put a little bit of my love in there and it comes out wonderful.

I do something that I feel confident about and it's easy and the results are great.

There is probably nothing like it.

Yeah there is! Hah! I do lots of great stuff. There's a few things - grownup things, important things - that's difficult for me, but I do a lot of things well too.

I feel pretty good about that.

A good feeling

I don't know what it is that I feel, accomplishment maybe? I usually have a lot of projects going on and some of them never get finished. Finishing one thing every day is great so far, even if it's just a few days. I feel proud and I want to finish stuff. All my ideas and projects make me feel happy instead of sad. Sometimes my creativity makes me sad. When I can't make things.

It's hard to explain. I'll try again when it's not super late.

I'm also going to go running tomorrow! I'm going to do it! Maybe it will just be that one time, and that's okay.

Tomorrow I'll also post pictures of the finished bag! And a couple of bonus projects.

Today I watched waayyyy too many episodes of orphan black and it was awesome but now it's super late!

Slow sunday

30 ones with white borders. 24 ones with blue.

We got a new sofa today! From D's sister and her husband.

I'm crazy tired.

More prep...

It's day four and I'm doing research for today's project. Might not be able to make the thing I wanted to make, which is a bag. So I might need to come up with a new idea. We'll see where the research takes me, maybe a small purse? Maybe a new paper clay animal? Maybe a ... Drawing? 

365 creative days; day 3 - paper clay

I made a little turtle out of paper clay! It was a bit harder then I anticipated but I managed to make this little guy. In a few days when he's dry and good I'll paint him and stuff but he's a thing that I made so its okay. 

Creative preparations

So I've been thinking about what to make for day three and I decided to take my very small funds and go to panduro and have a look. It's not the best craft supply store and definitely not the cheapest but they might have some inspiration for me if nothing else. I have two ideas and for both I need some stuff...

two. TWO!!

Sweet baby buddha made of candy. The nerves are NOT calming down. Not even a little.

I have been feeling extremely ugly the last few days, don't know what that is about, normally I think I look pretty nice.

My creativity has some kind of cramp and I have a bit of nausea even. Jeez.

Still I don't feel worried. What's the deal? Why am I so nervous?

Every time we talk my nerves calm right down and I'm just happy to see him. So hopefully that will happen when he gets here.

Until then I need to pack a weekend bag, do some laundry, maybe epilate my legs again (there's a reason for doing it twice! I promise!), finish a shitload of work, bleach my sidecut, move my skis to somewhere where they're not in the way... aaaand I guess that's it? Not sit and hyperventilate constantly?

And oh yeah. I might have bought a new phone last night. I blame the nerves!

Listening to: My Spotify starred list which has a lot of Buraka Som Sistema on it.
Working on: Making paper and clay models of a ring that I'm going to make. And sketches of it. A wedding gift. A large shawl. Metal fake nails.

tab shopping

As opposed to window shopping. Of all the things I found today most have just inspired me to make things of my own (I'll die if I don't invest in a sawing machine soon!) but I totally fell in love with this sweet candleholder!

Five more days untill I go back to Sweden for a well deserved two week vacation.

---EDIT---

Of course I mean sewing machine. Not for cutting down trees, for creating clothes and such. Thanks dad.

skogstokig

Goodbye Sandra. I'll miss you so much, but I'll see you soon. 

Everytime I feel sad I'm reminded of the rest of my sadness. Everytime someone leaves I'm reminded of all the others who left. Everyone I miss. I miss everyone. 

Today when I looked into the mirror I saw myself. My own face, as it used to look. Low carb diet it is then. (And hey, bacon salad. Yeah.)

Bought oil pastel crayons today. Funsies!

But yeah. Damn. Everyone I know goes away, in the end.

Listening to: Nirvana - Heart shaped box (still all my music on shuffle though.)

earth beneath the clouds

It's strange. I have mood swings. Most of the time I'm really happy (happy happy, not just generally in some kind of pleasant mood but actually smiling and having fun-happy) but then all of a sudden, when I start to get a bit tired at night, it hits me, just for a while.

I have lot's of energy and creativity, really a lot. I feel good, strong, calm.

And then it hits me.

Today me, Sandra and Viola had a junta-meeting at my place, making clay figures (insects and animals) and autumn decorations and stuff. It was really fun.

Now I should take a shower but I honestly think I might wait til' the morning because I'm so very tired.

We don't want to be memories, we don't want to be dreams. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, tell me secrets, make me a part of you.

Listening to: Lilium - Short stories

silence

Silence all around me.

Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.

The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.

I don't want this emotional blackmail.

Everything I say is true.

We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.

After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.

Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.

On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.

Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.

Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.

Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.

Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.

keeping secrets

Sometimes I just can't let go, like, I get a thought in my head and I can't stop repeating it, going over it from every angle, kinda... obsessing. I hate it. I hate myself when I can't just let go. I really try not to think about it, but it comes creeping into my mind as soon as I let my guard down.

I think I need a creative outlet. And I need to start working out. I'm going to start with capoeira again. And maybe start running. If I only could find a sportbra that would fit me... I've put on some kilos since I came here.

If I want to have any hope of getting into anyone else's pants I think I should make sure I get into my own first.