Being a creative person with a depression

[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Ugh. Whenever I let my mind wander I get super obsessive over shitty stuff
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Like that one time I said something wrong at a party
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Or that one person who probably thinks I'm an idiot
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: Or that time I was kinda mean to someone
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: And then I get upset over caring about people who don't matter at all
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I OBSESSING OVER THIS
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: And then I go on to obsess over some other meaningless shit!
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Or keep obsessing over the same shit some more
[17/09 16:32] Kristina: It's so difficult to do anything when my brain just screams at me "YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN YOU GOT TOO DRUNK AND ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK SO BAD YOU'RE A SOCIAL RETARD"
[17/09 16:34] Kristina: "Why do you even paint you're so exceptionally awful at it there is nothing good or original about anything you do hahaha you're so fucking bad at everything"
[17/09 16:35] Kristina: And I try to explain to my brain that not everything has to be original, there are GENRES for a reason, it's not like I can invent new colors. And I'll never get better by avoiding the things I like. But my brain doesn't care at all. It just starts screaming about something else.
[17/09 16:36] Kristina: It's so hard to focus with this constant hate in my head
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: This happens EVERY TIME I don't have some kind of thing to entertain me
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I always watch stuff or listen to books
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I hate going to bed if I'm not tired enough to fall asleep immediately
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: Just listening to music doesn't help
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: The same when I play games that don't take almost all of my attention
[17/09 16:44] Kristina: Like any situation where I have a possibility to think about anything

The zone

My first two oil paintings took several days to complete. I started them (alternating between them to let paint dry a little between layers) on Sunday and finished them both last night. The third one I started today and finished today. The fourth one was a quickie to use up the paints left on the palette. Even though it was technically larger than all the previous ones. I'm in a frenzy. I can't not paint. Sometimes I need a short brake to not stare myself completely blind at the piece I'm working on so I knit a few rows but pretty soon I'm back to painting. Discovering oil felt like coming home, like finding the missing piece of myself, like the most fun thing I've ever done. I suddenly understand something that I can't explain. It sounds stupid I know but it's almost four in the morning and after finishing the third and fourth oil paintings I had to knit for like 40 minutes just to wind down.

I'm listening to audio books by Christopher Moore while painting and I love them. I finished welcome to night vale and the style and feeling remind me of Moore and John dies at the end in a completely delicious combination. I wonder if jdate has been recorded as an audio book. I have the actual book but there we have my 'concentration problem'; I need more than one thing to focus on or I start thinking about something else and forget what I'm doing. 

Now I really have to sleep. Can't mess up my sleep cycle again. (Or, it always ends up with me falling asleep between three and four when I don't really make an effort to keep it "normal"...)

Tomorrow I will eat the traditional bun with whipped cream and milk. It's totally weird. I'll explain tomorrow. 

jeans and happiness and soup

Today has been a most effective and good day. It started with me waking up after a million years of sleep, feeling funny and kind of thick they way you do after too much sleep. After waking I made myself some breakfast - chilli sandwiches - and painted. My latest painting is kinda coming along, looking less bad and strange and more like I have a good feeling of what I want it to look like.

Then I went to the gym with Hannah, which felt good, and then I went to Penneys and bought a pair of jeans, new gym-pants, a belt and a top. (And a hoodie but I'll return it.) I decided the days of feeling big and heavy and draping myself in ill-fitting big clothes to hide all the new kilos are over. Less comfortable, more nice looking. Less sugar, carbs and fat, more vegetables. With this in mind I thought of some food I would like to eat during the week and asked Joe to drive me to Tesco in Wilton which he did without complaining. So now I have three days of food at home and no reason to come home and find nothing to eat but pasta. It's a good thing.

For dinner I'm making a pretty simple cauliflower soup, just because I wanted to use up the cauliflower I had over from the curry I made yesterday. I think I'll post the recipe in my food blog if it's good. With pictures!

No other news from the week, or weekend, exept for my mom having the swine flu. She's not worried and I'm trying not to be either.

And also Spotify wont work since a couple of hours which makes me sad.

But apart from that I's been a good day and a good weekend and a good week and I feel happy.

Listening to: Dr John aka the Night Tripper - I Walk On Guilded Splinters, from the album Gris-Gris, 1968.

a plea (and other stuff)

Oh I have been so active today! I was going to go to the gym but as I was trying to convince myself that I really should do the dishes I realized that however good it is to go to the gym, when you would rather do dishes... well, it's not that important. I don't want to take the joy out of it.

So I went home and did all the dishes, sorted the washing, cleaned up my room lots, finished a painting, started a new one that I've been thinking about for ages and listened to Neil Gaiman reading The Graveyard Book for a couple of hours and I love it. And I ate Peking Duck.

If, or when, I leave Ireland I will miss Eva House. I'll have to come back now and then to eat Peking Duck here.

So yeah that brings me to the other point: I am looking for jobs in Sweden and I'm hoping (um, obviously) to move home. At some point. If I can find a job and place to stay. In Ireland you can find a place to rent in an afternoon and move in the next day. I'll miss that too.

And I'll miss how the hairs on Joe's arms are almost invisible untill the sun shines on them and they light up like fiery copper. It's very pretty.

Anyway if any of you Swedish people who say that youre going to visit me actually do, that would be great, because you could do me a huge favour: (and this is the plea) come over and bring stuff back. I have so much stuff. I won't bring it all home but there's so much that I really don't want to leave. I've had a life here for soon two years. That means a lot of stuff. (Of course the same things work for people in Ireland, if you want to come and visit me in Sweden, but you guys are like... three. So yeah, not getting my hopes up there.)

I'll have to leave my very comfortable desk chair, Moses, that I bought in Belfast. I'll miss that. (I once had a cat named Moses, he was huge and black and he would look at you like you where insanely inferior to him. And a little annoying.)

Listening to: My Playlist on Spotify - Everything from The Aposte of Hustle to Howlin' Wolf, aw yeah.

back to life

So I've been twittering a lot, instead of blogging, since I haven't had much to say that needed the use of more than 140 characters. I like Twitter. It's fun, and it's a brilliant idea. 

In other news I really want a pair of Ray-Bans. (Yes the video is thuroughly disturbing but as eighties songs go the song is alright. Well, if you ignore the lyrics that don't really make sence,unless Corey Hart is insane. Still, he has very cool sunglasses. And pretty cool red shoes too. And the girl that for some reason sits in a corridor stamping paper like her life depended on it has very cool sunglasses as well, and a cute hairstyle!)

Me and a random spanish dude switched glasses late at night outside a pub.

Last night I went down to Shelbourne for a while after first going home and having chinese and painting. Today I'm going to go down to the city to buy some coloured paper and a pyjama top. And tonigt I'm probably gonna go for a beer or so with Eva and then head over to Ida's for some hanging out wit her, Liz and Karolin. 

Best thing right now is that I'm painting a lot and it makes me happy. I forget about everything in the whole world and time flyes by and its great. Just wish canvas was cheaper.

Listening to: Sixteen Horsepower - La Robe A Parasol (it's in french!)

ooh, shiny

Hehe. Hehe. 

Twilight: Something for the emos, something for the furries. 

Sorry, couldn't help myself.

Painted a lot today. Feels good. Bad when I forget important stuff like bathroom cleaning and the world but it's a very special feeling, painting. Not like writing, where every word means so much. A picture means something to me. Words do to but you know the difference. I like writing. I have to write, I write way more than I paint, my soul is black and white, words, words. 

Painting feels like laughing with my hands, with colours. (Vermilion like fire!)

Oh please. Writing about writing. That's so... Meta. Metawriting. I take it all back. (Haha, writing about painting is just as bad. How can anyone possibly describe a picture in words?)

Listening to: Regina Spektor - Us

home again

Home... Which in this case means "home from work" and also "not down at the pub". Tonsilitis and an ear infection made that happen.

Another angle: I feel more like a stranger than ever at the moment.

So I realized something, anyways. I got basically everything I need. There is a bunch of stuff i want but nothing I can't do without. So that feels kinda good. New attidude. 

This week has been mainly pain, art and anime. And Ghormenghast. Painting for the first time in years and man I like acrylics better than oil! Mostly staying in bed though. Ear infection equals dizzyness equals nausea. Sucks.

Found a new webcomic that I like; The Zombie Hunters. Also been listening a lot to Jan Garbarek and Deep Forest, great stuff to paint to. 

Wish canvas was cheaper. 

Watching: Crossroads, from '86 (not the one with Britney, the one with the blues! It's great!)