Thursday 21 January 2010

When he kisses me everything else just disappears. Every time.

Wednesday 20 January 2010


So quickly. Everything changes so quickly. I change, and the situation changes. When everything is crappy and I have nothing to be happy about, and have to fight through every day, then I know exactly who I am and what I'm doing. But when everything is fucking magically wondergreat I have no fucking clue what the fuck is going on.

I like the saying "attitude is everything" because I fully believe that you create your own life. With a positive attitude life is easier and problems seem smaller. I met a man once who enjoyed pain - not in the kinky way, but emotionally. It made him feel alive, human. His life was easy and nice and when his emotions where hurt is was... an interesting experience for him. Everything is what you make it. Painful situations are only painful because you perceive them as painful. It's all in your mind.

I really do believe in this, but still I can't control myself. Life is good now. There are always shadows and less than perfect aspects in life but you choose how much you want them to affect you. Fights with family members are hard to just ignore but it doesn't have to affect other aspects of life. I can still feel happy and safe. That particular situation makes me sad but not depressed - I'm sad about that, but not sad in general. In general everything is extremely fucking sweet. And I am doing my best to fuck up.

Fear is the path that leads to the dark side. And fear is the mind killer. It's the truth, really. And when I feel strong I can look at my fear and see that it is only a mind ghost, nothing real, nothing relevant. I can focus on all that is beautiful in my life and feel calm and happy. But then sometimes I am weak and I can't fight back and the fear grows into horror and I panic and I fear my fears most of all, and they take over, and I hate myself for being weak and it makes me weaker.

I don't want it to be this way. I don't want to have to carry this weight. I don't want to have to fight, I don't want the darkness in my life. I don't want to ruin everything good.

Some days I don't have to fight, some days I fight and win, but sometimes I can't find that ray of light to hold on to even if it's shining really strong and some times it's not really shining at all and then I'm lost in the dark. I need to find the light in me I guess. The belief in myself, not in anyone else. The knowledge that I'll make it through whatever happens, that I deserve goodness in my life and that it's not going to go away just because of some small thing that isn't even real.

I know what I have is the best I could ever dream of.