Monday 30 June 2008

go shorty

It's soon my birthday. Or, in a month. And I know what I want! A skirt! It's expensive! But very nice! And I will buy it. Yes.

Also I just read the lyrics for Where's me Jumper by The Sultans of Ping. Wierd. But no surprise there.

A surprise, on the other hand, was that both of my parents agreed to chip in on my birthdayskirt. And a text I got today. And also that my nails have grown to surprising lengths for the first time in like... ever, without breaking. It feels weird. And also I have a new bra which is... my size. Not used to that feeling.

To the point: this weekend was wonderful. Really. Amalie is here, and we have been having so much fun. Lots of food and drink and sleep and lazyness and funsies. Goodness. All of it. And some parts where extra super nice.

Today was nice as well, even though it was a monday! Wow! Some people just make your life ... nicer.

Wednesday 25 June 2008

oh no

It's happening, every now and then. It comes, slowly at first, and then it hits me, like a truck. And I feel so sad.

political blogging

Everyone is blogging about FRA. I can't see how anyone could avoid it. Many people are talking about making footers for every email they send, to throw the filters off. I'm completely for that idea but I'm not sure it makes any difference. A better idea would be, if this blogger is right, to view muslim fundamentalist web pages from every computer you use, every day. From work, from home, from your friends, your mom, the library, everywhere. And make everyone else do it as well. Do it at least once a day, 'cause most Swedish internet providers use dynamic IPaddresses...

Tuesday 24 June 2008

realizing things

Today started out bad, a million billion crappy calls an I was in a shitty mood. Got a bit cheered up though. So I got through the day.

When I got home I was... basically broken, extremely tired and not motivated to do anything. I realized something, when I was lying on Marias bed eating coconuts. (Coconut. Only one.) And all of a sudden I was extremely sad. I had to go down to my room because I almost felt like crying. I can admit that there was a correlation between the realization and the sadness. So I went to bed, listened to music and did what I usually do when I don't want to cry - I fell asleep. Not so hard since I was hysterically tired, wich was probably, if not the biggest reason the second biggest, to why I felt so extremely sad. After some time, an hour maybe, I don't know, Maria woke me up and asked if I wanted the same kind of pizza as last time. I did. Then, after another while, she woke me up again and told me that there was pizza for me in the kitchen.

And after some pizza and some icecream and having some djungelvrål thrown at me I felt a lot better.

Yesterday something happened that suprised me. And made me very happy.

And soon I'm going to go to sleep, with my window open... Just in case.

Sunday 22 June 2008

there and back again

Tickets booked! All of them! Going back home and then back home again... A bit confusing. Got the tickets from Cork to London, from London to Västerås, from Copenhagen to Dublin and from Dublin to Cork. Now I just need the tickets from Stockholm to Båstad. And I need to make a plan for my week in Stockholm. Planning on visiting Irena, Emilia, Sandra, Mom and my cousins. Irena, Mom and Emilia has been informed of this plan. Maybe I should inform Sandra and my cousins as well. Then I'm going to visit dad for a couple of days, and then to Lund to work with FFF for almost a month! And the day after the festival ends I'm flying back here again... To return to my normal life. It feels really strange. Really, really strange.

in the morning when my soul's on fire

Another week, another weekend almost over. I love sundays. Not much you can do at all, town isn't closed but closes early, no party at night (if you don't feel like it)... Cleaning the house, relaxing, doing some dishes, eating some food, I like it.

Uploading pictures on my pixbox and on the house pixbox as well. Pics from before Sweden lost, pics from when Johan and Viola was living here, pics from the party on friday, pics of River Lee... Check them out.

Now I'm gonna book my tickets back to Ireland in the end of september. Then I just might get dressed and go out a while in the sunshine, who knows.

Thinking to much makes me crazy. I don't like being this crazy but I can't stop thinking. However I try to close my mind you keep on finding your way in. And it hurts.

Saturday 21 June 2008

keep your shades on

I just saw Blues Brothers with Johan and Sara. (Aka. Afrika and the Squirrel.) It was so insanely cool! It's a bit unbeliavable that I havent seen it before. Ice cream and music with soul. Very nice. (I want to add that Iv'e listened to the soundtrack a lot though.)

We went out in the rain to return the shoes I bought yesterday, (yes, the "minor" shopping evolved to major shopping) that broke last night. NOT good. The heel broke off. But today was a nice day. They gave me a new couple at the store and did'nt even ask for the receipt or anything, really nice.

Nice, nice, nice. Great midsummers eve-party last night! At Ida and Hannah's, of course. I even managed to get a couple of moscito bites. Strawberries, flowers, lots and lots of swedes, like they had some kind of midsummer party-radar or something. I drank a lot of rum and fell asleep on the couch. Woke up very very confused today, and was taken care of by my lovely hosts. After buying some food we watched MacGyver, and everyone fell asleep. Eventually I made my way home and Skype-talked to mom for more than an hour.

Now it's kinda late saturday evening, and I'm looking through pics from last night and the latest couple of weeks, uploading them to pixbox within a couple of days. Also I'm listening to Alabama 3 like a mad woman. So great!

Time to sleep now.

I aint lyin', no I aint lyin'.

Friday 20 June 2008

sweet sugar candy

There is so much I want to do that I can't do, so much I want to say that I can't say. The frustration makes me sad and angry. And a bit passive aggressive perhaps. Or just aggressive. I don't know.

Last night Maria and I had a nice night in with pizza, cheese, wine and icecream. And Buffy, of course.

And Olof is moving in when Sara moves out. And Amelie is coming here next week. And Jojo. More of that at the house blog.

Och det spelar ingen roll om det var Bodströms förslag från början och han tekniskt sett inte är borgare. Jag bryr mig inte. Jag ändrar mig till "REGERINGEN" är dum i sitt gemensamma huvud och förtjänar bara att dö. Eller i alla fall bytas ut, snabbt.

Otherwise... Well, so much I want to do. But can't. Makes my skin electric, makes me unfocused and distracted.

Looks so tasty, tastes so sweet. Could never ever get enough.

Listening to loads of Alabama 3, just bought Puzo's The Godfather on sale and enjoying my day off, back on the couch as the slacker I truly am. Soon I'm off to town (again) to go to the bank and the postoffice and do some minor shopping and whatnot.

Thursday 19 June 2008

bad things

Oh yeah, I forgot. In the list last night I missed one very important thing. There is not one blogger who has neglected to write about this.

Sweden is henceforth not to be seen as a real country anymore. Not even... a place. From now on I will pretend it does not exist at all. At least I will do my best to not have any contact with anyone in the country via internet. A dark day, not only for Sweden but for all of mankind. How can this be true? How can the world watch without doing anything? How the hell can total control be legal?

Borgarna är så jävla dumma i huvudet och de förtjänar bara att dö.

Wednesday 18 June 2008

**** this ****.

It's evening. Getting late. The sky is still bright. (Can't find a word as good as the swedish one; skymning.)

Today has been a shitty day. Truly. In many ways, some of which I am going to tell you about right now:

  1. A flying roll of toiletpaper attacked my ear. No, really. A big, industrial style, roll of toiletpaper, came out of nowhere and hit my ear. It hurt like shit. (It was tossed by an innocent friend of mine, who was not aiming for my ear at all.) It hit my headset and I was kinda unbalanced and naceous for a couple of hours.

  2. Something happened, that I knew was going to happen, but it still caught me off guard and it made me feel really sad.

  3. One hour overtime. I died. Vista sucks. People who buy Vista computers for their kids suck.

  4. Our team, once so proud, "played" worse than non-trained monkeys. Worst game ever. My interest in football is now dead.

I woke up this morning, realized happily that Chuck Norris had not killed me in my sleep, watched my favourite TV-series Fantaghiro, ate great breakfast of sandwiches with Kalles Guld and coffee, everything felt great. High hopes. But no.

Ok, there has been good stuff as well. It's been kinda calm at work (exept for that crazy Irish customer who flirted shamelessly with me despite being 70 and possibly a former soldier from the Foreign Legion, that was just scary). Good lunch. (Cookie!) A nice meeting with the boss. (Bosses actually.) I live and work with my friends, who I really like and care about, which is nice.

But yeah, all in all it sucks. (Exept the cookie.)

Yes, you like this overusage of links. You find it amusing and witty.

Tuesday 17 June 2008

sky falling

Just watched Dobermann, it was awesome, but no surprise there. A bit on the violent side. (I had forgotten the part where they put a grenade inside this guy's helmet... while he is wearing it.) Well, still kinda love it. I think I liked it more when I was a young punk but still, awesome.

Today has been... good. And bad. As most days I guess. This morning I could not beleive it was just tuesday. And after work I had the same feeling. Good thing I'm off friday.

Yesterday I talked to my grandparents. It was really nice, I miss them. Today I was supposed to do a lot of stuff but I was tired and lazy so I just went to Tesco, and then home and made myself some food with both meat and mushrooms for once. And lots of spices. It was good.

The sky has opened up and is showering Cork as if trying to wash away it's sins. Might take a while.

I'm falling and falling and falling faster and harder and I feel like Alice, I just keep falling down that hole. It feels like... like that feeling when you're just about to fall asleep, and you're still a bit awake, and a half-dream creeps up on you and all of a sudden your body looses touch with what is up and down and it feels like slipping, you or reality or both, only instead of opening my eyes and realizing that I'm still in my bed I keep falling, all the time. I just know exactly when I'm going to reach the bottom, it's gonna hurt as hell. It's pretty soon. Too soon.

Enough Year Zero and bullshit about emotions. Nothing is going to change. Does'nt matter how hard I want it to.

Monday 16 June 2008


So Iv'e fallen for sweet promises of... talk. I'm a lazy bastard to wait more than six months but now I finally have it! I am a part of the Skype-thing! I am moderately reachable! (I was all along to people willing to spend loads of money on calls to my mobile but hey.) And since I am a lazy bastard I will probably be reachable most days. If I don't get a life or something, all of a sudden. Haha.

Sunday 15 June 2008

in my dreams

A while after I wake up I suddenly remember a dream. I dreamt about you, that I said everything I wanted to say to you. And the night before I dreamt that I had a daughter. I was on the beach, a beautiful white beach, with her and a friend or my mother or someone. The child's - my child's - name was Maria, like my mother. She was maybe four, running around in a little ugly hat, playing in the shallow water and the sunshine.

I was taking pictures of her, she was laughing and running, and she started running toward the end of the beach and I realize that the beach ends in cliffs, very high cliffs that stretch out into the blue sea, a flat mountain wall, solid grey rock. But just by the water there's some kind of large white building, on the rock. It's an ornament, or a warning, and it's huge, pillars and strange formations and definitely built, made. I see it through my camera as my daughter runs up a little hill, straight for it. I take pictures, realizing suddenly that she's not running for the structure but for something beside it, a high, thin shadow in the cliffs. As the shutter closes she dissapears for a split second and when the camera snaps and the picture is taken she is gone, gone into that shadow that is actually a huge cave, dark and deep and I start screaming, I scream her name and I scream for her to come back and my body is cold and I am overcome by paralyzing fear.

And then there she is. She's running back out, into the sunlight. And something is chasing her. Something a bit bigger than a human, build almost like one but not enough, It has arms and legs and a head but longer, thinner, and maybe with more joints. It's greenish black and it's effortlessly getting closer to my child. I wake up, my head hurts and it's early afternoon. The dream kept giving me goosebumps the rest of the day.

The weekend is almost over, one day left, which will maybe be spent watching movies with Afrika. Then it's back to work. Time moves faster here than it did at home. Iv'e been here for more than six months now, got a letter a while back saying that my probationary period is over. It feels like forever and it feels like no time at all. Pretty soon the summer will have passed and I will be back from my trip to Sweden and I guess everything will be different. Sara will leave, for real this time, someone new will move in. I will keep on paying my debts, and when they're payed maybe I will buy a cheap car. Or a computer. And then start saving up money for the big trip to America next year. And after that, after winter, after America, it will be summer again.

I love Cork. Really. But one day I'll get restless, I'll be tired of it, I'll want to move on. Maybe by then I'll be technical enough to get a good job in the business, not just techsupport for telephones. Or I'll be really tired of it and longing to go back to blacksmithing. The thought has hit me. On friday I took an order for a pretty advanced... let's just call it an ornament. Both I and the "customer" had at that point had a few beers, but it's still a bit tempting.

But so far I try to focus on here and now, even though it's hard. On summer and friends and stuff that's fun. Instead of how the hell am I ever going to get all my debts payed and... other stuff. Fun stuff. Saw HULK last night. Loved it. But enough said, this post is far to long already.

Thursday 12 June 2008


I wish there was a way.

So much I want to say and no way in hell to say it. So many words, written and erased again. All these words. And their big meanings.

Listening to a lot of Prodigy.

Thanks mom! The box arrived, packed with great stuff from Sweden. Salt for Johan, spices, hair and skin care products, contacts (!), Kalles, a new top, loads of great stuff. Wonderful.

So... Work is alright.... Should be on Irish line full time but so far I'm only higher priority, and still taking as many Swedish, Norwegian and Danish calls as before. So hell of a lot of calls but it's better than to be on only Irish.

Guess I'm kinda happy/sad. Or happy/annoyed. Or something. Getting a bit tired... It will probably feel better in the morning, I guess. I hope. I don't know. Today has been a good day, and still, lots of calls, kinda annoyed. Been in a good mood though. Not as tired as I thought I would be. (I am now though.)

Wierd doublemood! Wierd!

Wednesday 11 June 2008

global fussball ok

Damn, that game lifted my spirits. If anyone happens to be hanging around down there, on the continent, there is nothing I would like more than Zlatan's autograph... It's my birthday soon.

On the more serious side of things. If it wasn't for work and my friends I would feel utterly meaningless. But I'm on eight markets at work, and I get calls on all of them, so I kinda feel like I'm doing... well, if not important, at least a big job. Important too, I guess.

And I really do feel at home with all of my friends.

But still. There's this feeling, like I just can't be... happy. Like I have no power over my life. Like I mean nothing, like it's no use what I do.

Existential Crisis. So pretentious.

Tuesday 10 June 2008

trés spass

We won!!!

Zlatan is king. Forever. Beautiful goal. I almost cried.

In other news I have new jeans, Penneys of course, I feel like screaming and also WE WON!!!

I wish I could get rid of that feeling... It doesn't leave me. Completely powerless. In all aspects of my life.

And oh yeah... I painted my nails blue and yellow. And my clothes, my makeup, jewellery and a flower in my hair are in the same theme. WE WON!!!

Monday 9 June 2008

beautiful evening

Sara is back.

Johan and Viola moved out, Maria and I cleaned the whole first floor, I'm sitting in the livingroom, listening to great music, there's a gentle light over it all. From the sky and the candles in the coconuts.

My body is aching from to much drinking and lots of small wounds that I don't remember getting and not enough sleep and I should go to bed. But I want to stay down here.

We made a great chicken-bacon-feta cheese-spinach pie. And had some ice cream.

I wish I could be here to appreciate it. God I want to be here and feel like before.


I just realized that I am depressed. It was so long ago that I did'nt really understand it untill just now. I feel kinda sensitive about it. I don't want to be a emo-blogger. And I really can't... say how I feel.

It's very confusing.

Give me something

Is it really supposed to be so damn hard? My mood is constantly sinking and I'm confused and acting a bit wierd, I guess. My friends don't really leave me alone. They're wonderful, all the time. Especially when I get home late, to drunk to stand, and wake everyone up. And they just take care of me.

I just want to be free. Free from the weight of feelings.

I'm just... not happy right now. I feel empty. Things that really should lift my spirits just make me confused. I can't relate to anything.

Och sorger har vi inga, våra glada visor klinga...

Saturday 7 June 2008


I'm feeling... small and meanigless. It's like there's no place for me, anywhere in the world. Like I mean nothing to anyone.

I know I do, this is just the way I feel. We used to have such a good thing going here. Then Amalie moved, Hannah moved over to Socs, Ida became boss, Sara went to Sweden and Maria and Olof found eachother. And they are all still my friends and stuff, it's just that... theres not really the same kind of... team... stuff. I'm really bad at saying "hey, do you want to hang out with me?"

You would have thought that the two friends of mine that I imported from Sweden and who both live in my house and both work next to me would hang out with me, but they found each other and they have so much in common. They don't talk to me so much. They're not unfriendly, they just don't really include me in they're plans. And I don't like to ask. I wake up at nine thirty, it's saturday morning, they tell me that they're going to the park. ...and if I wanna come along that's ok. But hurry, please. 'Cause we really want to leave soon, or the whole day will pass.

I feel a bit like... fuck off. So I'm alone.

There's no place for me, nowhere on earth. I loose the people I love. Nothing is constant, everything is allways changing. Which is a good thing. Really. But does it have to change to me being alone?

Friday 6 June 2008

My plans and yours

My plan is this: 8.8.8. A number to remember. The eighth of august two thousand and eight, that is. The day when the party happens. Mine and Ida's party. We turn 48 (or we both turn 24, choose for yourself) and we're having a huge party.

Your plans should be this: be there. And bring presents. I want T-shirthell-t-shirts. And a mocha... thingy. To make espresso in. A big fuckoff machine or just the little pot-kind. (I have no idea where I would put the machine though. My room maybe.)

home alone

I'm eating breakfast on the sofa, listening to eighties hits (I really hadn't listened to the lyrics of The Kink's Lola before) and alternative country. It's really nice. Eventually I'll do some washing, some cleaning, some showering and some going out. And some paying that damn bill of almost 300 euro.

I was looking at old photos. From last summer. Man, I was way cuter! Even after the accident! Even... the day after the accident!

Hm. I sould get out into the sunshine. Just got to finish my coffee...

Thursday 5 June 2008


I'm feeling utterly pathetic. Not only in the way of the emo, also in the way of everything goes wrong. (I'm a bad emo. I listen to Mr Mister instead of my bloody autumn leaves and bullets of iron and crackheads. And I don't look like the alternative kids who hang out outside Tesco.) Why all the death? Ok, the lady earlier mentioned who died, she was not very close. But yeah, it's really no fun anyways. And yesterday I found out that my mom might have to put her cat to sleep since he is terrorizing my cat, wich just feels... terrible and awful. I'm so sad for Artemis, who is the sweetest little ladycat, and who gets beaten up by Ramses. And I'm sad for Ramses who is obviosly very troubled. I really wish there was some other way, but he gets worse and worse. I don't know.

Today started out bad. Lot's of calls the first hour, which sucks cause I'm never awake. And yesterday was really bad. I am usually the happy one, I can handle customers even if they yell at me and I don't really let anything get to me. Two breakdowns in one day, not so nice. Today I got a norweigan call with a lady who had a really tricky accent and I almost started crying just from the frustration of not being able to communicate. I've got so much on my mind.

My first call from New Zealand came in today, and it took us a while to be able to tell her our opening hours. The support line is open to kiwi customers between seven and eleven at night. Great hours. It was fun anyhow.

Argh I'm tired and hungry and I just wish life could be a little bit easier right now.

Wednesday 4 June 2008


I might not feel angry in the morning. I'll wake up with a headache, yeah, tired and shit, but I might not be mad anymore.

I probably will though.

Just sent the angriest mail in my life, I think. Maybe I wont feel angry. Maybe I will still just feel... empty. Like I am now. Got it out of me I guess.

Yeah, you destroyed me. But don't feel sorry for anyone.

Tuesday 3 June 2008


De ska va gött å leva, annars kan det kvitta.

Summer. Sun. I can't really write what I'm thinking right now. I can't really tell you how I'm feeling. Can't describe the internal battles I'm going through, trying to focus on what makes me happy when the same things are making me sad.

Well, apart from this quite double feeling things are quite peachy. Or, we got a surprise bill from the garbage disposal people. That was not so nice.

Downloaded the 100 best songs from 1966 last night. Great.

Sunday 1 June 2008


This weekend has been interesting and fun in many ways. On friday I hurt my eye and on saturday I hurt my toe and my neck is still hurting and yeah, other stuff hurt as well.

We had a great dinner yesterday, thaifood, and then we went to Fransiscan Wells where we had a great night, wich ended late, after an afterparty. The whole day was really good. And today, things are not so good. (Not only because Rebel Red is a really mean beer, tastes great but down three and your head is going to kill you the next day, there are other things too.)

Everyone dissapears. It's true. They dissapear like smoke, disintegrate, can't hold my attention. I have the attentionspan of a child. Everyone else. I did'nt plan this.


I discovered A3 today. And everyone is making fun of my bells. I really like them. I don't sound like a reindeer but above all I do not look like one! People are mean.

Also I can't remember when I felt so alone before. I'm sure I have, but not in a very long time. Not only alone, also lonely, and a bit forgotten.