All this pain

How can it all fit inside me while I'm feeling so small?

I've been crying so much today. Maybe yesterday? Saturday or Sunday? I don't remember. The last few days are a blur. I'm so stressed out, about stuff beyond my control. I can't relax. I sleep too much and I have rage outbursts and panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. My appetite is messed up. My body hurts, like I've been running for hours.

My mind is like a blender. My head feels like it's breaking. Cracking.

The stress makes me testy, annoyed, angry. The anger has a domino effect, it's explosive. I get so angry just because I'm angry. I have no reason for it and I get so angry at myself! And it just grows, way out of proportion, way beyond my control. I slam doors and scream. And I hate myself for it.

Inside me there is constant chaos. No rest. No respite. Constant fighting, running, reaching for the surface, for light, for air. No possibility to relax and catch my breath. Not once.

But last night I fell asleep with a smile, even though I woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. Running in my nightmares, never safe, never a moment of rest. I fell asleep again and returned to the nightmare, to the panic. When I woke up again I woke Chris up and made him talk to me. He talked about skateboarding.

I hope that I can get a shrink appointment soon.

Evil creatures

Nightmares about creatures, huge animals that eat people.

Thanks Obama!

shitty bad stuff

It's pretty late and I'm still awake because I accidentally (?) took a four plus hour nap this afternoon. Yay! (No. Not yay.)

School was okay I guess, worked on the conceptual wedding jewelry. I feel pretty good about it. Lunch was so crazy good, meat things with sauce and jam and stuff. My favorite type of food. I put a shitload of salad on top of it though. Guess that's something.

And then the sleep, and with the sleep the dreams. First off I was two guys. Who was somehow clones or something. Using a magic chalk piece or something they traveled to a strange different dimension where people tried to kill them. I/They saw everything double, pictures changed as you looked at them, texts was altered, colors distorted, everything like a hysterical hallucination in bright colors. I/They got dizzy and confused and fell over and lost their chalk pieces and never got home and started thinking that maybe that was okay, maybe this was how it was supposed to end.

I dragged myself into consciousness and tried to text Ben but I fell back asleep and everything got even worse. Sensitive readers should skip this. Really.

I was a man this time - only one though. I met a girl and really liked her. We were in a horrible accident. When I came to I was under water, floating, and she was beside me. Her body was torn apart at the waist. Her guts where everywhere, spreading out from her body like some kind of bloody tentacles. Her arms where twisted in impossible ways and the top of her head was missing. She was floating towards me and I was terrified and wanted to get away, but my body didn't move. I saw myself for a moment, like I caught a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. I was terrified again because at first I thought I saw myself smiling, but I quickly realized that my jaw had been torn off and the muscles of my face where being pulled and stretched in bizarre ways. I tried to move my arms but realized that they too where twisted in horrible angles and when I tried using my legs to get away from her body that was now touching mine I saw that they where ripped off at the knees. I knew I was dead. Just like the woman next to me, my body had been crushed and killed. So why was I conscious?

A while later I am standing (how?) on a sidewalk. People on bicycles and in cars drive in big half circles as they pass to get as far away as possible. It went on to be a massive zombie apocalypse. I tried to stop it even though I was one of them. I was failing and tried to make myself wake up but it took several tries before I managed. I still feel completely fucked up. I don't want to go back to sleep but I'm tired and sad. I don't know why I'm sad.

Anyways I ate a salad for dinner so that's good. I guess. My head hurts. I'm drinking lot's of water. My vitamins and things arrived at Ben's today so hopefully he'll send them to me soon.

zombies and colors

So I came home from work and I was going to vacuum and clean the upstairs bathroom but instead I fell asleep instantly and slept untill eight thirty or something. Now my head feels heavy and feel a bit stupid.

Dreamed about the zombie invasion, again. I stopped reading about zombies, stopped thinking about it, stopped beeing a zombie-geek in general but I still have terrible nightmares. This time I had to take care or an orphan, a small baby. I was best suited for this for some reason. We were a small group hiding in some kind of towers, and underground. We had a system of always leaving one person behind if the zombies caught up with us. There was some kind of confusion, consisting of me trying to get back to some place where I had my colors. I was all of a sudden in my room, throwing all my colors and paintbrushes and papers and as much as I could possibly grab into my backpack (yeah... my ICE-bag). At the same time holding a baby and being panicked and it was me and some guy who got left behind and there was something with a boat and I woke up covered in sweat feeling like shit.

So I made fish soup with tomato, carrots, broccoli, bean, lentils, saffron, creme fraiche, orange, chilli and garlic. The soup is great but I have no idea what happened with the fish. Tastes... just bad. 

And I'm watching Dragon Hunters which so far might be the most awesome animated movie I have seen in a very long time. This was what computer animated graphics was supposed to do! Erratic gravity! Dragons! Awesomeness!

Apart from that it's eleven pm and it feels like... it feels just strange. I've been sleeping for hours. It's probably because I woke up last night and couldn't go back to sleep so I've been very tired all day. But I'm completely thrown off balance.

Listening to: Three 6 Mafia.

dead children

Always the theme of all my worst nightmares. I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of supressed, extremely bloody childhood memories.

So; the dream: I'm in some kind of tropical paradise with my mom. We are for some reason taking care of these three troubled little kids. The sun is shining very brightly, it's really hot, there's a lot of sand around, but not in a desert-y way. Were outside some kind of trainstation, 'cause were going somewhere with these kids. I'm thinking there's been a war or something, maybe they lost their parents. Well. Enter three other kids, starting with the classic ghost twin girls. They look like the girls from The Shining only a couple of years older. And... not so scary. These might or might not be "our" kid's sisters. My mom cant see them and I find this amusing. They, and their younger brother, who is blonde, start hanging out around us. Not really with us but they approach us sometimes. I urge "our" kids to be careful, but they are anyways. They are extremely reluctant to talk to anyone.

It might not be a trainstation, it might be a bus station. Anyways we're sitting on the ground, waiting, outdoors, in the sun. Laughing at the ghost twins who run around and play and fight and behave generally loud and amusing. They start fighing over a song, and one of them runs off. This is where the dream changes. The details are a bit hazy. I think mom got away with the kids, but I'm inside the station house and there's blood everywhere, and lot's of stuff happens, but towards the end it's just too late, I've been to slow, I've tried to save everyone else and now all of a sudden me and this guy called Lawrence are the only ones left alive and there are zombie children everywhere and they are not really decaying and slow, they are more like the insane running living dead and we climb on to a desk and are just about to climb up somewhere when I realize that there's a zombie walking towards the big glass doors just a few metres away, and a lot of them coming towards the other big glass doors at the other end of the station house, but we can still make it, and then one climbs in through a window or something right next to us and we wont both make it it's too late, it's impossible, and all the blood, the red red blood, in the sunshine, and the small, confused children, covered in blood, empty, dead eyes. I wake up with my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to crack my ribs. 

Now it's thirty minutes later and my alarmclock has already managed to ring twice. Work starts in an hour. 

Oh and by the way; Lawrence was very good looking and funny. 

today...

I'm doing routercalls, which is quite restful compared to doing SOC-mails. I feel utterly stupid and mostly like I'm forcing other people to work more rather that being part of a team and doing something constructive and everything, and I know that it's always like that when you're new and stuff but I still don't like it and I'm completely stressed out all the time and get even more nightmares...

Well, routers. Could do it in my sleep. Nice and relaxing.

When I get bored I play Zuma, create accounts in sites like Twitter, or read this blog.

We're halfway to the weekend. And halfway trough thursday. I have failed to quit coffee, but at least I'm down to one cup a day. A big cup though. Tripple espresso cappuchino. But whatever, anything is better that the greyish, sickly, disgusting crap from the machine in the canteen - even though it's free.

Lunch today was great, chicken rolls with feta and red pesto, Maria is a godess when it comes to cooking.

rich

I got everything really. I can't think of anything better than spending the evening with a couple of good friends (Johan and Olof), watching a very very good movie (Romero's Diary of the Dead), eating my favourite food (peking duck from Eva House of course) and my favourite ice cream (B&J's Caramel Chew Chew). 

Spending a couple of hours listening to music and talking shit about nothing at all is also great stuff. 

And oh! I made someone happy today! Maybe the best thing ever. "Best christmas present in 27 years" could be the best review I've ever got. 

My first day working "for real" (not that I had a clue what I was doing or anything) went rather well. Everyone was very helpful and nice. 

Also I've decided what I'm going to do with all my stuff in Sweden. Since it doesn't look like I'm going back I'll get rid of most of it. Give it away probably, maybe sell some, throw some away. So; if you're in Lund this spring, and you want free stuff (and trust me, I've got some nice stuff) just let me know. If you want to buy stuff that's okay too. 

Less than one week to Maria's birthday now. 21 - internationally all grown up. I've got five days to find a perfect perfect gift, since that's what she always get's me. 

Shit.

Well. Going to get myself a couple of gifts too. T-Shirt Hell is closing down.

Just wish the nightmares would give me a break. Seriously. So much death and pain and stuff going wrong and everything is absurd. Things breaking. 

Listening to: Party Ben bootleg mashups. Like Drop It Like It's A Whole Lotta Love.

damn

I just want to be here and now, enjoy the sunshine and all my friends and all but my mind just keeps drifting and it makes me angry.

Tonight I woke up, heart racing and head aching, from a hellish nightmare about evil undead monsters. It was scary on every imaginable mental level and still hangs on a bit.

Now I'm going to fika with Robin!

in my dreams

A while after I wake up I suddenly remember a dream. I dreamt about you, that I said everything I wanted to say to you. And the night before I dreamt that I had a daughter. I was on the beach, a beautiful white beach, with her and a friend or my mother or someone. The child's - my child's - name was Maria, like my mother. She was maybe four, running around in a little ugly hat, playing in the shallow water and the sunshine.

I was taking pictures of her, she was laughing and running, and she started running toward the end of the beach and I realize that the beach ends in cliffs, very high cliffs that stretch out into the blue sea, a flat mountain wall, solid grey rock. But just by the water there's some kind of large white building, on the rock. It's an ornament, or a warning, and it's huge, pillars and strange formations and definitely built, made. I see it through my camera as my daughter runs up a little hill, straight for it. I take pictures, realizing suddenly that she's not running for the structure but for something beside it, a high, thin shadow in the cliffs. As the shutter closes she dissapears for a split second and when the camera snaps and the picture is taken she is gone, gone into that shadow that is actually a huge cave, dark and deep and I start screaming, I scream her name and I scream for her to come back and my body is cold and I am overcome by paralyzing fear.

And then there she is. She's running back out, into the sunlight. And something is chasing her. Something a bit bigger than a human, build almost like one but not enough, It has arms and legs and a head but longer, thinner, and maybe with more joints. It's greenish black and it's effortlessly getting closer to my child. I wake up, my head hurts and it's early afternoon. The dream kept giving me goosebumps the rest of the day.

The weekend is almost over, one day left, which will maybe be spent watching movies with Afrika. Then it's back to work. Time moves faster here than it did at home. Iv'e been here for more than six months now, got a letter a while back saying that my probationary period is over. It feels like forever and it feels like no time at all. Pretty soon the summer will have passed and I will be back from my trip to Sweden and I guess everything will be different. Sara will leave, for real this time, someone new will move in. I will keep on paying my debts, and when they're payed maybe I will buy a cheap car. Or a computer. And then start saving up money for the big trip to America next year. And after that, after winter, after America, it will be summer again.

I love Cork. Really. But one day I'll get restless, I'll be tired of it, I'll want to move on. Maybe by then I'll be technical enough to get a good job in the business, not just techsupport for telephones. Or I'll be really tired of it and longing to go back to blacksmithing. The thought has hit me. On friday I took an order for a pretty advanced... let's just call it an ornament. Both I and the "customer" had at that point had a few beers, but it's still a bit tempting.

But so far I try to focus on here and now, even though it's hard. On summer and friends and stuff that's fun. Instead of how the hell am I ever going to get all my debts payed and... other stuff. Fun stuff. Saw HULK last night. Loved it. But enough said, this post is far to long already.