The light at the end of the tunnel

This bloody steam roller of a week is almost over. It's midnight, late thursday evening. Tomorrow is going to be hectic and Saturday too, and then it's Sunday, the day I've been waiting for for months.

I cancelled my plans today and yesterday, I just can't deal with anything at all basically. I'm lucky enough to have people in my life that don't mind me flaking at the last minute, or even better - who come to me and give me hugs. ♡

Life is good. I think that I'm in the best circumstances to deal with my overwhelming anxiety. Even if life being good is actually making my anxiety worse, it also allows me time and space to rest and breathe and deal.

Out and about

Travel is so much fun and so much stress and so much overwhelming. I have a problem with big, noisy, crowded places, except for one. Gröna Lund in Stockholm is a place where I feel happy, even though I'm constantly surrounded by screaming people and massive crowds and huge, noisy structures and bright colours and bad music and in general a lot of stuff that would normally trigger a panic attack. My inner child looks at it all with starry eyed wonder. And I manage to keep it together. And. Yesterday my friend T won TWO KILOS OF TOBLERONE.

A marvellous day. I also went on three different roller coasters (and the fun house) and it was a lot of fun!

So far this trip (although it's intense) has been really good. I'm away from home for a long time but it's still hectic and I feel like I don't have time to see anyone.

Boiling brain

It's worse than the usual "full of bees". It's storming in there, I can't sit still, intense, panicky anxiety and stress takes over body and mind.

Chachachachaaaanges

Changes are so stressful! I've had a ... not good, but not very bad summer. I've felt lonely and isolated. I've missed Sweden. I've dealt with psychiatrists that did not give a flying flunk about me, my feelings, my experiences and my thoughts. I've mostly been indoors. But I've been with my darling. I've been in love. I've been carefully dreaming a little about the future instead of only trying to shut all thoughts up. I've been feeling hopefull. Now fall is here and it brings storms of change, good change but still stressful because it's change.

It's difficult when you have a lot to do and remember, and your brain just sort of shuts down. I get to keep some functions. I can cook, even though I get really stressed if there's anything that doesn't go according to plan. I can worry about stuff. I can make stuff even though I also make a mess. I've been patching my infinity skirt the last couple of days, at the moment I'm on patch number 20 for this specific round and there's still a ways to go. It makes my back ache but I want to get it done. I've been making some cards and spinning some yarn and carving some stamps.

And I've started thinking about Christmas! Mmmm Christmas. I still love Christmas. Even though I've experienced some shitty ones.

More specifically I've started to think about what I should get for Chris. He's a super tricky guy to shop for.

And of course having several panic or anxiety attacks every day! Woop! Fun stuff!

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Prep stress

So much stuff coming up! SO. MUCH. I'm so exited but also - even more - stressed out. Travel used to be one of my favourite things, but now I'm obsessing on details, building anxiety over dumb stuff.

Miracles

Today a stressful thing happened and I was hungry and I handled it. I was completely in chock. I would normally start shaking really bad, panic, cry, get angry, need to just put everything down and go sit down in another room and generally not handle it well at all. Today I swore loudly and then carried on with what I was doing, not realising until after a little while that I managed to handle the situation. The thing that happened was that the chord for the immersion blender slid onto the stove top because the kitchen counter was too cluttered, and it melted a tiny bit.

Anything to do with things breaking usually garners some hysterical tears at least. But I just finished making lunch like a boss! Even though it had already been a pretty long day with some major bad news concerning a close friend, and I had low blood sugar.

I feel so proud.

The last few days have been really good in general, and usually a few good days means that I get emotionally unstable and have a few bad days since I used up all my happy. This will probably still happen, but I'm impressed that it hasn't happened yet.

We did a pretty big cleanup on Sunday. On Monday I went to the dentist and got my temporary filling swapped for a permanent one and on Monday evening an old friend came to visit, and she stayed until this morning. Last night C's workmate came over and I made a large dinner for the four of us before we went to the board game night, and after that me and my friend went for a glass of wine (beer in her case) before returning home. So several quite intense days without running out of spoons!

Today in the evening I've felt like life is a little bit difficult but I did manage to make a really nice dinner (sweet potato/coconut/lime/ginger soup with roasted chickpeas)! So I still feel proud of myself. Everything counts. Every small bit of progress is worth being happy about.

Now I'm planning on a few days of proactive rest before C's family comes to visit and soon after that we go to Sweden for a wedding! So much stuff happening!

Whoa, it's almost three in the morning. Time for bed.

Thanks for reading  <3

All this pain

How can it all fit inside me while I'm feeling so small?

I've been crying so much today. Maybe yesterday? Saturday or Sunday? I don't remember. The last few days are a blur. I'm so stressed out, about stuff beyond my control. I can't relax. I sleep too much and I have rage outbursts and panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. My appetite is messed up. My body hurts, like I've been running for hours.

My mind is like a blender. My head feels like it's breaking. Cracking.

The stress makes me testy, annoyed, angry. The anger has a domino effect, it's explosive. I get so angry just because I'm angry. I have no reason for it and I get so angry at myself! And it just grows, way out of proportion, way beyond my control. I slam doors and scream. And I hate myself for it.

Inside me there is constant chaos. No rest. No respite. Constant fighting, running, reaching for the surface, for light, for air. No possibility to relax and catch my breath. Not once.

But last night I fell asleep with a smile, even though I woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. Running in my nightmares, never safe, never a moment of rest. I fell asleep again and returned to the nightmare, to the panic. When I woke up again I woke Chris up and made him talk to me. He talked about skateboarding.

I hope that I can get a shrink appointment soon.

Much too much

It feels like I'm losing control, like the world is spinning too fast and existence is an illusion.

I don't know what I need or what I should do, don't know what's right or wrong, don't know anything at all except that it feels bad to go to bed alone after a few nights with him.

So much things spinning around in my head right now. Too much. Chaos fills me.

He left just a few hours ago and we skyped for two after he came home. And I still miss him so much. When we're together I get stressed out from feeling like I have to make every second count. I can't relax. When we're apart I just want to be with him. I feel stupid, like a stupid kid. He's just the most wonderful person, I can't even explain how good he is. He's so much better than me. He's so kind and loving and caring and I'm mostly a nervous wreck. I'm demanding and grumpy and rude and in general just a bitch. (To everyone! And if I'm not then I'm probably really tense. I don't have the energy to be nice.)

I don't deserve him and I know it's a cliché and I know I'm being stupid but he's so much better than me. He has the most beautiful personality. He's so funny and cuddly and warm.

I want to be close to him all the time. I'm scared that I'm being too ... obsessed.

Shrink tomorrow. And so much stuff happening the next few days that my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

I probably need to be alone for a couple of days. But I won't. To much to do. I hate everything a little.

Fresh to death

Is not what I am at all. Other things I aint:
Going to bed in some kind of "normal" time
Done with stuff
Rich and powerful

But whatever. I'm a model. I don't have to care.

On a more serious note I was thinking about stress hormones and what they do to the body. If you live in constant stress the hormones fuck your body up. Depression can make your body all broken and crappy. Not just your mind. It's a bit scary.

Things that are not scary:
Sims 4
Guild Wars 2
Kyle XY
Alphas

My favorite things right now.

Now it's almost Sunday morning. Goodnight.

Papers. Important papers.

Just found a big stack of them. Hiding in a drawer.

It makes me so stressed that I feel sick. I feel stupid and I can't read what it says and there's a buzzing in my head that just won't stop.

I need help but there's no one to help me.

Today's symptoms

So today my depression is mostly physical. Sweating or cold sweating, nausea, stomach ache, tired and confused. Breathing is a bit difficult. Dizziness and sometimes black spots in my vision or slight tunnel vision.

It sucks so hard. I know that if I don't take it easy now I'm gonna have a panic attack, but taking it easy is so hard. I feel super stressed out about looking for work and making important calls and sending important emails but I can't. I need to lie down and breath deeply. Moment 22. Ugh.

Stockholm

I miss coffee.

Last few days has been intense and hectic and a bit nuts. Right now I'm standing outside SIBA waiting for them to open so I can give them my laptop and then get to the train, which is an hour late. 

I miss Ben. 

We had a bachelorette party for Tindra on Saturday. It was great fun but my recent mental plummet into depression made it a bit strange. I get weird when I'm sad. 

SIBA should open now. Please?!?

19 days left. Almost nothing.

And now they're letting me in! 

Grawr

My throat hurts in a weird way and my stomach and I feel sad and angry and I'm not sure why.

I packed stuff. I have lots of work left to do in school. I don't have enough money. The stress makes me want to vomit. 

Oh and my sleeping patterns are totally fubar and I'm taking lots of different pills and I'm extremely sensitive and it feels like everybody hates me. 

Ugh. 

So tired

My hands are tired and my arms. My whole body. My mind and my soul. I just want to sleep. For a thousand years.

I moved all my things last night, my friends helped me. They where very kind.

I have too much things. So many things. So little hope. Everything feels hopeless and bad.

Awh man. So tired. So much to do.

today...

I'm doing routercalls, which is quite restful compared to doing SOC-mails. I feel utterly stupid and mostly like I'm forcing other people to work more rather that being part of a team and doing something constructive and everything, and I know that it's always like that when you're new and stuff but I still don't like it and I'm completely stressed out all the time and get even more nightmares...

Well, routers. Could do it in my sleep. Nice and relaxing.

When I get bored I play Zuma, create accounts in sites like Twitter, or read this blog.

We're halfway to the weekend. And halfway trough thursday. I have failed to quit coffee, but at least I'm down to one cup a day. A big cup though. Tripple espresso cappuchino. But whatever, anything is better that the greyish, sickly, disgusting crap from the machine in the canteen - even though it's free.

Lunch today was great, chicken rolls with feta and red pesto, Maria is a godess when it comes to cooking.

keep breathing

Today I overslept for about an hour. There was no breakfast. I was really tired all day, and I still am. I had lots of coffee but never really woke up.

I booked a week off for my grandfathers funeral. And flight tickets to Sweden. And I bought black clothes. You would think that that would be a bit tricky with no money, but hey, RyanAir and Penneys. Did'nt spend very much. But now I really don't have anymore.

At least I wont get less next month, I don't have to take unpaid leave for the funeral, wich is good.

Feels strange to go back after such a short while. Very strange. I don't really want to go to Sweden but I really want to be with my mother.

I really don't know what I want. I won't have time to see any of my friends in the one week I'll spent in the motherland. I did'nt have time in five weeks even.

I wish I could just bring my mom and go somewhere else. India maybe. Or Alaska. Or anywhere.

Now I'm going to sleep. And it's not even ten o'clock yet! Good stuff. First good thing today. Or second, Olof made pancakes for dinner.

Post number 300

I don't have so much time to blog at the moment, hence the not updating. Sorry guys. If I had time I would write about everything that's going on, it would probably be quite interesting, or I would write about how I feel, and it would be pathetic and not interesting at all.

Right now I feel kinda sick from being so tired so it's deffo time for bed.

I miss everyone right now. My heart feels like a wound.

preassure ||

Forgot to mention; lots of trouble with my apartment in Sweden and my insurance. And sweet lord candy Jesus my back hurts. And my head. And I'm hungry as well.

Nothing else to be said.