Friday 21 March 2014

Gifts in disguise

Losing a bad, energy draining person isn't a loss. Losing things is inconvenient but life goes on.

What I got out of it is priceless. New friends. Real ones. A new home. A nice one. And proof of the wonderful support my family gives me. I miss my teddy bear (and my underwear) but the mother that gave me that teddy bear is an amazing person that I still have in my life and who loves me. And I'll buy new underwear eventually. Until then I'll have to do laundry twice a week but that's a small price to pay for all the love and support I've been given.

I've been angry for a couple of days but it's already passing and it feels so good. It leaves room for love.

I think I am getting what I deserve. Love.

Wednesday 19 March 2014


I won't be updating this blog for a little while since a disgusting little shit who not only beat up my dad and told me to kill myself but also threatened me and stole everything I own of monetary or emotional value not only reads but also comments my blog.

No, you can't see the comments because I don't publish them. He doesn't care. He's happy as long as he can abuse me in some way.

Okay sure, take my camera, my sewing machine, my laptop, my hard drives with all my photos on but why the FUCK did you take my underwear you disgusting horrible little goblin? Why did you take my teddy bear? It has no value to you. You can't sell it. What the fuck.

Tuesday 11 March 2014

Reality hits you hard bro

And then when you're down it kicks you in the kidney and laughs.

Every now and then if I don't watch out the thought sneaks up on me, "I wish I was dead". But I try to block it out. Sometimes it's really really difficult.

I think about my mom. Mostly my mom. About science, that there is so much going on now, the future is here. That I want to see what's going to happen. Will we ever have hoverboards? Will we conquer world hunger?

I think about my two boyfriends. I think about Maria. I think about Kristoffer and my dad and my siblings.

I think about Tindra and her kids.

No one really needs me but some people would be extremely sad. People that I love. I can't break my promises to them. I can't hurt them. That stuff is bigger than me. I have to stay alive.

And now spring is here and I want to die in the winter so I guess I'll have to stay alive at least until next winter. (I do this to trick myself when it's really bad. Make up reasons to wait. It is a big decision after all and I would probably stay dead forever so I shouldn't rush it.)

Sometimes I think that eventually I'll die either way and after that it will be over. Wether it's been horrible for 3 or 30 years won't really matter after that.

Sometimes I look at a pigeon courting another pigeon and think that "at least that's one thing today that didn't make me want to vomit from pain".

Saturday 8 March 2014


Life is constant pain. I wish I was dead. I wish people would stop forcing me to stay alive. Death is the only thing that I can think about that doesn't hurt. Life is the silent scream inside, death is the calm after. The relief, the release.

But I won't do it, the only thing I want, the only comforting thought I have. I'll go on, I'll keep wallowing in misery. For the people who "care". I'm starting to hate them for making me promise, for asking me, for crying at me.

Is it really that impossible for you to just let go of one single person that you never call or see anyways? Is it so important to you that I go through this miserable repulsive life just so that you don't need to think about me? So that you don't need to feel bad after? Can't you just let me kill myself?

Thursday 6 March 2014

I'm homeless again

I'm very tired of being alive. I don't hate myself but others easily do it seems. I'm very tired of being hated. I don't hate myself but I wish I didn't have to go on living. 

I'll try though. For the people who don't hate me. 

Wednesday 5 March 2014

Life is shit

It's one in the afternoon, a Wednesday. I'm in bed. The sadness and hopelessness I feel are sickly. I fell asleep at three in the morning after a fight.

I'm drifting in and out of sleep. I don't want to get up.

Now it's three. I'm still in bed. Confusing dreams. I still don't want to get up. There's nothing to get up for. There's nothing I can do. There's no breakfast and I'm broke. There's nothing. I don't want to do anything. My head hurts but I don't want to get up and make coffee. Maybe I'll keep sleeping for a while more.