Family

A few days ago I had wine with a good friend and we talked about a million things, one of them family. I realized I have a family of women. I don't know why, but on my mothers side of the family there's not many men that I know anything about.

Let me tell you about my family.

I'm Kristina. My mother is Maria. Her mother is Maj-Britt, and Maj-Britt's mother is Sonja, and Sonja's mother is Kristina.

My mother's father's name was Anders, and I met him once or twice as a kid. I half remember what he looked like. The only thing I know about his background is that his mother was from the south of Sweden, unusual in our northern family. I don't know her name. Anders and Maj-Britt only had my mother together, and then they divorced and went on to have a lot of daughters in other relationships. I have five or six aunts. Or maybe more. I know a lot more about Maj-Britt, the youngest of three daughters of Sonja and Fritz. I don't know much about Fritz except that he was a sailor before leaving the sea and marrying Sonja after his best friend died. I know some stuff about his life, but nothing at all about his family. His life before becoming a sailor is shrouded in mystery.

Sonja was the youngest as well. She had seven or eight siblings, both brothers and sisters. I think her father's name was Karl but the only thing I know about him is that he died when Sonja was very young, on an accident on a boat. Sonja's mother, Kristina, is still the head of our family I think. She died in the sixties, still dressed in the long skirts she bought in the 18 hundreds. (Is that how you say it?) She lived a very long life. So did Sonja, who died right before turning 99, just a couple of years ago. Maj-Britt is probably between 70 and 80 I'd guess and she's still not really doing that shrinking thing that really old people do.

Now I'm gonna see if I managed to get all the coconut oil and bleach out of my hair with an egg and some honey.

---edit---

Soooo I think I got the bleach out but I'm not sure about the coconut oil... or the egg. Waiting for it to dry so I can put purple in it!

Gifts in disguise

Losing a bad, energy draining person isn't a loss. Losing things is inconvenient but life goes on.

What I got out of it is priceless. New friends. Real ones. A new home. A nice one. And proof of the wonderful support my family gives me. I miss my teddy bear (and my underwear) but the mother that gave me that teddy bear is an amazing person that I still have in my life and who loves me. And I'll buy new underwear eventually. Until then I'll have to do laundry twice a week but that's a small price to pay for all the love and support I've been given.

I've been angry for a couple of days but it's already passing and it feels so good. It leaves room for love.

I think I am getting what I deserve. Love.

All of the drama

It's cold and wet and late. Walking back to Tindra and Oscar's place through the neighborhood that used to be my own, memories from one year ago wash over me like shadows. I'm seeing double.

A year ago I lived here and all these people where a part of my life. I saw them every day, cooked for them, laughed with them, had fights with them.

Staggered home drunk with my best friend, spent long days in bed with him, watched lots of movies, made chilies, drank rum.

I see all these things when I walk here. I see myself taking the kids to day care, I see me and J making drunken snow angels, I see us looking out at the ships singing "lillith victoria!"

Tonight it really hurts to remember all the good times I had with J. The painful memories of summer had just begin to fade into the distance and all the nice memories where the ones that I kept. But as one problem gets solved another got un-solved.

And now, again, after I thought we had gotten through all the crap, he tells me that he doesn't want to see me for some time. Or really keep in touch. After all the shit we went through together, after all the energy we both put into our friendship.

Jealousy is a fucking stupid thing. It's not logical, it's not useful, it's just a need to control others. It's fear pretending to be love. It's wanting to rule. It's selfish and destructive.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.

He's still my friend. But he's not the same person.

hey now

Well this just won't do now will it? No it won't. I have been writing about lot's of different things in this blog but now I'm not writing anything at all. This is because I don't do much mostly. And what I do isn't very interesting.

But I miss blogging and I have so much interesting thoughts in my head now!

So I'll start sharing some inspirations and ideas instead of stories from my life. I have lots of ideas but not so much life. Haha. (Okay to be honest I'm playing a lot of world of warcraft. I'm level 27!)

I have done something though, on sunday! I went to dinner at my grandparents and it was so great! My uncle and aunt and cousins where there and we had really good chicken casserole and it was lovely meeting them all! I was very happy!

I'm happy otherwise too.

Soon I'll start sharing all my crafty projects, baking, knitting and so on. And pictures. And ideas and dreams and plans and inspirations. Now I guess I have to get back to work.

Oh first, my old friend Tom is in town!! It's gonna be great to see him! Oh and last night I cut my hair again. Now it's just like it was this spring. I'll try to get a picture.

beautiful thoughts

As mentioned, once you get in to the more bacon-themed parts of the blogosphere, there is so very very much to read. I am bewildered.

Also thinking about making spinach and bacon soup for dinner. But Maria is sceptical.

Anyway due to economical... not greatness, I decided not to get the perm I dream of. I want big, fluffy curls. Or rather, bigger, fluffier curls. But priced around 70 - 100 euros it's out of my leauge, for now. Later maybe. So I'm going for the other alternative: becoming even blonder. And maybe throwing in some funny colours.

Other thing's I'll be prioritizing away is a new MP3-player with bluetooth, sewing machine, a new bra, food... Uhm... Failing with the positive attitude. Not in a great mood.

I got my vacation approved, but mentioned economical situation hinders me from booking tickets... Also I very very much want to meet my dad and sisters and brothers and dad's lady friend and more importantly the mother of Kajsa, my little walking sister, Ulrika, and since my dad doesn't answer my emails asking when he will be home I had to go ahead and book the bloody vacation anyways and now it looks like he's working for the whole time... Whoa, long sentence there. The point is; my family is very much my priority. And if it turns out I cant see them I'll be very sad.

My other family, on mom's side, seems to be more managable, which is great. Looking forward to meeting all my new-found relatives so much!

At the moment I'm looking forward to leaving work in eight minutes, and then going for fika with Sandra. She's leaving soon which really sucks. Seldom has so much greatness and funsies been able to fit in to such a very small person.

Well now. I'm tired enough to fall asleep right here but I'll try to keep awake untill I get home, at least.

resolve

Maximum points at resolve! Yessss... 

(Note: That's only funny for roleplaying nerds. All you others: Ha!)

I am getting better. I am getting happier. I think the writing helps. I'm climbing back up again. Getting back on my feet. Feels good. 

Or; I'm becoming myself again.

I listen to Great Lake Swimmers because they are great. (Lake swimmers. Ha!)

Gym: good. Half ass diet: good. Hair: good. Dreams: good! Not painful, cutting through me like ice and glass and needles. Not making me empty, weak. Now I'm back to dreams of traveling, dreams of seeing the world, dreams of meeting a lot of interesting people there. Or more modest dreams, of returing to a place that used to be my home, seeing all the friends I miss so much, seeing my sisters and brothers and my mother and father and my uncles and aunts and cousins and grandparents and second cousins and great granparents and so on. A lot of people to see in a short little while, but it will probably be around easter. 

Lund... the thought of the city where I have lived since my childhood but never really felt welcome is intriguing; so much has changed since I left but the real difference is that I can think about it with warm, happy thoughts. There are so many people there I want to see. I'm very much looking forward to spending a few days there. 

Oh yeah; I named my new 500 gb harddrive: Ernst Hugo. 

And tonight, in just an hour or so, Maria comes home from a weekend in Sweden with powder snow and family. But I'll be asleep by then. Even now my eyelids are getting heavy.

Tonight was Chinese and Disney with Ida. The Sword in the Stone. Great. Now seriously; bedtime.

Listening to: Uhm, guess? Great Lake Swimmers - Your Rocky Spine (the glaciers made you and now youre mine...)

thicker than water

Well. Today was spent chillin' with my mom mostly. And fighting a bit, but it always sorts out. I wish I could get along with my mom, but it seems so hard. I really wonder why. Anyhow we always fix it.

Yesterday was emotionally pretty rough. A lot of good things happened, but that can be really rough actually.

All of a sudden I realized that I'm part of a huge family, even though I never really knew them, or even knew about them. I met many when I was little but all of a sudden there's like fifty people or something who all are cousins and second cousins and aunts and great aunts and... cousins of aunts and... people called Anders. Crazy. I felt like... well... not an outsider at all. Even though many of them ignored us completely. Being totally unexpectedly surrounded by smiling relatives who think youre kinda awesome just because you... you're family. And they where kinda awesome too.

They where posted close to the door in the church. After the ceremony, which was... well, a bit personal since the vicar actually knew my grandfather personally, when we where on our way out, the just kinda caught us. And talked, and made sure we knew we where a part of this big clan.

I really did'nt know! It's a quite big thing. And this was just on my mothers fathers side. After the funeral, on our way back down to Uppsala, we stopped by to say hi to my great grandmother. Who is really great! She's 97 in a couple of months! I've only met her once the last ten years or so, for a few minutes five years ago. She's tiny. And funny. We had coffee and talked for about an hour. So that's my mothers mothers mother.

I mean, imagine if I would have had a kid. That would make five generations alive at the same time. That's how old she is. Now I don't, so that's just four. But still.

Well, the day endedwith me being quite shook up and emotional and me and mom watching the first half of Kung Fu Panda in which Jack Black is great as usual. We watched the second half today. He is seriously one of the funniest people ever. The movie was a well made variation of an old theme. I liked it.

Now... German movie or World of Warcraft? Tough desicion!

space... cowboy... pirates!

When I landed in Ängelholm today my hair was still wet since the shower I had in Stockholm... Weird feeling. But everything went really smooth and I got my money by now and all.

So I'm my dad's. All five kids where here for a while. It was great. My baby sister is extremely sweet. And my grandma was here for dinner. I really have to say I love my family, and I love being with them. It was wonderful seing mom and it's wonderful being here.

We had lamb for dinner, which I love. I've been driving some and it's lot's of fun, it's been a good while. Going tomorrow to buy a laptop. I'm absolutely thrilled. Apart from that I'm going to try to fix all the FFF-stuff I hav'nt had a chance to do. I really hope I have time tomorrow.

And yes! Space-cowboy-pirates! Can you think of anything better? No. No you can't. Firefly beats just about anything. It's great. Gorram great.

"Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."

Now is bedtime. Big day tomorrow.

Still think about you all the time. (Now how's that for an ego-boost?)

payday

It is here. The money. Or actually not here, it's flowing through cyberspace, on it's way to my account. From my other accound. Gonna be interesting to see when I'll get it.

Yesterday I met my uncle and cousins for some tacos and some talking and it was really nice, then I came to Emilia's and we have been hanging out, drinking tea, watching How to loose a guy in 10 days, walking, playing with her beautiful baby daughter, talking, drinking wine, playing cards, eating lasagna and ice cream and you get the point.

Tomorrow we are going for lunch in Enköping and after that I'm going back to Stockholm for a little while more before I go down south to see dad and Ullis and all of my brothers and sisters, one of them for the first time ever. And I come bearing no gifts at all, for anyone. Exept dad.

Now It's late, spent the last hour or so deleting spam and doing some tired, confused FFF-work. Since I'm half asleep I have to admit I did't get very far.

Looking forward to a weekend in Stockholm even though I would have loved to stay here in Enköping for another week or so...

---Edit---
Right below here, where it says what time posts are posted, that's Irish time. I'm actually posting this at twenty to three at night. Swedish time. Oh your GAWD I'm tired.