Like a dream

Some days I feel like my dreams are close. I can almost touch them. Strange memories mingle with real ones.

Today is such a day. I feel inspired and restless but at the same time ... I don't know, distanced, detached.

Being awesome is hard

Soooo... I already throw amazing parties. I don't want to relive my childhood. I have the answers to a lot of questions - either in my heart or in my smartphone. I am def a rugged badass (when I want to be). I am witty enough. Dinosaurs never interested me much. The people that matter think I am smart enough. And I have lots of random no-strings sex. So I guess the only thing left to wish for is magic. My life must be pretty perfect.

Cool.

Are you a fox?

In my dreams I'm giggling. In real life I'm knitting. And trying to figure out a nice hood for my poncho.

Lost in a plethora of tabs.

SPRING!

I love spring. I love the drunken feeling of life just bursting from the earth. Everything is singing, shouting with happiness. Winter is gone, SPRING IS HERE. Flowers and leaves and grass all sing. Birds sing. The earth sings drunkenly, in love.

I get this feeling when I ride my bike at night, this feeling of floating, a magical feeling with loud music in my ears and stillness all around me. No people. no traffic. Just this song from the earth, the air is thick with it. Like when you fly in a dream, you just focus every fiber of your being into this magical act, this one amazing leap off of the ground and you FLY.

In my dreams I flap my arms when I fly.

At night, on my bike, it's that same feeling. Surreal and powerful.

Spring is here. Life is bearable. Sometimes. At night, riding my bike through the darkness. If I was happy I would be very happy right now.

My boyfriends are both being nice. My friends want to hang out with me. The future doesn't feel like a wet wool blanket wrapping itself around me, covering my face, cold, wet, heavy, so heavy. The future might be okay.

Life is bearable. The night sings. I can breathe.

The third day

12:05
Still in bed. Feels so meaningless to get up.
13:52
Had breakfast and a cup of tea. Did 20 situps and 20 backlifts or back extensions. Watched Adventure Time. Cut my fingernails. Knitted some.
Bloody hell I'm bored.
14:27
Clean sheets in the bed. Feel absolutely drained. Like I just climbed a mountain. I try to drink a lot of water but my throat hurts.
Man I'm whiny.
Gonna lie down for a little while. Caffeine is a total bitch to quit.
18:25
Awake again. Dreamed about death.
Watched the last episode of Buffy and cried a bit.
Gonna try to get my shit together now I suppose. Tonight is my last party for a while.

7

11:30-ish

I dreamed that the hotel booking was screwed up. And that he was totally weird in real life. And that I was too. And the hotel and everything was just really horrible.

I want to keep cleaning but I should be in the workshop. Ugh.

---
13:37

So after cleaning for a while I had breakfast (eggs and bacon! Yum!) and the sun was shining. I felt the pep return.

I watched half an episode of true blood with Sanna and when I went out to have a smoke the sun was gone, the wind was wild and it started raining. Yeah. Thanks.

Now I'm back in my room again.

nocturnal

You push through into my dreams, thoughts of you in the most bizarre contexts.

I wake up in the middle of the night and the house is alive, people are cooking and talking and I sit and eat and talk, and then they fall asleep and I stay awake. Reality get's a bit softer.

I hear sounds through the music in my headphones but when I take them of there is only silence.

I dream of harmony in chaos, sex and food, mad priests and love.

hey now

Well this just won't do now will it? No it won't. I have been writing about lot's of different things in this blog but now I'm not writing anything at all. This is because I don't do much mostly. And what I do isn't very interesting.

But I miss blogging and I have so much interesting thoughts in my head now!

So I'll start sharing some inspirations and ideas instead of stories from my life. I have lots of ideas but not so much life. Haha. (Okay to be honest I'm playing a lot of world of warcraft. I'm level 27!)

I have done something though, on sunday! I went to dinner at my grandparents and it was so great! My uncle and aunt and cousins where there and we had really good chicken casserole and it was lovely meeting them all! I was very happy!

I'm happy otherwise too.

Soon I'll start sharing all my crafty projects, baking, knitting and so on. And pictures. And ideas and dreams and plans and inspirations. Now I guess I have to get back to work.

Oh first, my old friend Tom is in town!! It's gonna be great to see him! Oh and last night I cut my hair again. Now it's just like it was this spring. I'll try to get a picture.

dreamsong

I don't do this very often but since I had a very vivid dream tonight featuring this beautiful song, and because it's storytelling at it's finest, song-lyric-wise, I'll have to share the lyrics with you.


Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billy Joe

It was the third of June, another sleepy, dusty Delta day
I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was balin' hay
And at dinner time we stopped and walked back to the house to eat
And Mama hollered out the back door "y'all remember to wipe your feet"
And then she said "I got some news this mornin' from Choctaw Ridge"
"Today Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

And Papa said to Mama as he passed around the blackeyed peas
"Well, Billy Joe never had a lick of sense, pass the biscuits, please"
"There's five more acres in the lower forty I've got to plow"
And Mama said it was shame about Billy Joe, anyhow
Seems like nothin' ever comes to no good up on Choctaw Ridge
And now Billy Joe MacAllister's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge

And Brother said he recollected when he and Tom and Billie Joe
Put a frog down my back at the Carroll County picture show
And wasn't I talkin' to him after church last Sunday night?
"I'll have another piece of apple pie, you know it don't seem right"
"I saw him at the sawmill yesterday on Choctaw Ridge"
"And now you tell me Billie Joe's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

And Mama said to me "Child, what's happened to your appetite?"
"I've been cookin' all morning and you haven't touched a single bite"
"That nice young preacher, Brother Taylor, dropped by today"
"Said he'd be pleased to have dinner on Sunday, oh, by the way"
"He said he saw a girl that looked a lot like you up on Choctaw Ridge"
"And she and Billy Joe was throwing somethin' off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

A year has come 'n' gone since we heard the news 'bout Billy Joe
And Brother married Becky Thompson, they bought a store in Tupelo
There was a virus going 'round, Papa caught it and he died last Spring
And now Mama doesn't seem to wanna do much of anything
And me, I spend a lot of time pickin' flowers up on Choctaw Ridge

And drop them into the muddy water off the Tallahatchie Bridge


Aw man it gives me goosebumps. And her voice is beautiful and the dream was wonderful and I met old friends and dyed my hair in purple and black and pink using henna.

Today I beat my highscore in Tetris; 335268 points. Back to work.

zombies and colors

So I came home from work and I was going to vacuum and clean the upstairs bathroom but instead I fell asleep instantly and slept untill eight thirty or something. Now my head feels heavy and feel a bit stupid.

Dreamed about the zombie invasion, again. I stopped reading about zombies, stopped thinking about it, stopped beeing a zombie-geek in general but I still have terrible nightmares. This time I had to take care or an orphan, a small baby. I was best suited for this for some reason. We were a small group hiding in some kind of towers, and underground. We had a system of always leaving one person behind if the zombies caught up with us. There was some kind of confusion, consisting of me trying to get back to some place where I had my colors. I was all of a sudden in my room, throwing all my colors and paintbrushes and papers and as much as I could possibly grab into my backpack (yeah... my ICE-bag). At the same time holding a baby and being panicked and it was me and some guy who got left behind and there was something with a boat and I woke up covered in sweat feeling like shit.

So I made fish soup with tomato, carrots, broccoli, bean, lentils, saffron, creme fraiche, orange, chilli and garlic. The soup is great but I have no idea what happened with the fish. Tastes... just bad. 

And I'm watching Dragon Hunters which so far might be the most awesome animated movie I have seen in a very long time. This was what computer animated graphics was supposed to do! Erratic gravity! Dragons! Awesomeness!

Apart from that it's eleven pm and it feels like... it feels just strange. I've been sleeping for hours. It's probably because I woke up last night and couldn't go back to sleep so I've been very tired all day. But I'm completely thrown off balance.

Listening to: Three 6 Mafia.

recovery

This past week could have been the worst of my life. Yes. Really. Everything has been awful. Working six to three and everything has f***ed up at work. There has been a constant qeue of calls all the time. New problems every day. On thursday I managed to stay awake and see Milk, which was a very very good film, but apart from that I've mostly been sleeping when I'm not working. Between friday and saturday around twelve hours. Saturday me and Maria went shopping a bit and then we went to Dan's b-day party at night. We didn't stay for long which felt a bit bad but we were both insanely tired. Today; painting.

Also I had a lot of strange dreams tonight. I dreamt of a talking monkey and a crow flying backwards in the sunrise. And lot's of other things. 

Listening to: Dråparen (A Maze of Death) by Philip K Dick on audio book.

dead children

Always the theme of all my worst nightmares. I'm starting to wonder if I have some kind of supressed, extremely bloody childhood memories.

So; the dream: I'm in some kind of tropical paradise with my mom. We are for some reason taking care of these three troubled little kids. The sun is shining very brightly, it's really hot, there's a lot of sand around, but not in a desert-y way. Were outside some kind of trainstation, 'cause were going somewhere with these kids. I'm thinking there's been a war or something, maybe they lost their parents. Well. Enter three other kids, starting with the classic ghost twin girls. They look like the girls from The Shining only a couple of years older. And... not so scary. These might or might not be "our" kid's sisters. My mom cant see them and I find this amusing. They, and their younger brother, who is blonde, start hanging out around us. Not really with us but they approach us sometimes. I urge "our" kids to be careful, but they are anyways. They are extremely reluctant to talk to anyone.

It might not be a trainstation, it might be a bus station. Anyways we're sitting on the ground, waiting, outdoors, in the sun. Laughing at the ghost twins who run around and play and fight and behave generally loud and amusing. They start fighing over a song, and one of them runs off. This is where the dream changes. The details are a bit hazy. I think mom got away with the kids, but I'm inside the station house and there's blood everywhere, and lot's of stuff happens, but towards the end it's just too late, I've been to slow, I've tried to save everyone else and now all of a sudden me and this guy called Lawrence are the only ones left alive and there are zombie children everywhere and they are not really decaying and slow, they are more like the insane running living dead and we climb on to a desk and are just about to climb up somewhere when I realize that there's a zombie walking towards the big glass doors just a few metres away, and a lot of them coming towards the other big glass doors at the other end of the station house, but we can still make it, and then one climbs in through a window or something right next to us and we wont both make it it's too late, it's impossible, and all the blood, the red red blood, in the sunshine, and the small, confused children, covered in blood, empty, dead eyes. I wake up with my heart beating so hard I thought it was going to crack my ribs. 

Now it's thirty minutes later and my alarmclock has already managed to ring twice. Work starts in an hour. 

Oh and by the way; Lawrence was very good looking and funny. 

not sleepy enough

Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of next week, and I will be starting work an hour earlier, which is pretty good since I get off work an hour early as well... Just hope I can sleep, and wake up in time.

Tonight I was dreaming a lot, just as stressful as usual. The only thing I remember is buildings, and that I could fly. 

The weekend has been short but nice, A few beers at Shel on friday, Maria's birthday on saturday, with a nice lunch at Luigi Malones and a nice dinner at Casanovas (filled the quota of eating out for this month in one day). Today me and Ida had chinese and watched Disney movies, Alice in Wonderland being the strangest movie ever, probably... No real storyline, totally psychedelic, strange, nightmarish and quite scary. Very strange. If I ever would get the idea to do acid, I would watch that movie. Or... I wouldn't have to do acid if I watched it. Seriously. Extremely well made, though, great artwork, superb animation. Lot's of beautiful detalis. But yeah. Psychedelic.

Now it's past my bedtime, as usual. I wonder why I always get the urge to start writing when I should go to bed?

Listening to: Cocteau Twins - Five Ten Fiftyfold

typical

Just because yesterday was such a good day... I had a lot to do, a lot to keep my mind busy, to keep me occupied, to keep my mind off... stuff...

Of course I had to dream about him. We where searching for each other in a big forest. Mobile phones made it easier. And we found each other, and it was like it always is when we reunite in my dreams. Great. Then I woke up, and it felt shitty, and the rest of the day felt mostly shitty as well. 

I used to dream about him all the time. We used to joke about it. We used to joke about most things. 

It does'nt matter anymore. We will never be together and I'm trying to accept that. 

Whatever... Tonight was pretty good, me, Ida and Maria had Swedish Meatballs with potatoes, sauce and lingonsylt. Kickass. 

Also my darling, my Mr. Pink, my dear harddrive, is not feeling well. It's frustrating and takes a lot of my time. 

Listening to: Tobbe "Sjökexet" Carlsson's mashup remixes, like Kaah vs. Timbaland - The Way Dom Tittar.

truth and dreams

I had a dream about a man who could change the colour of his eyes. His hair was long and he was very rich.

Christmas has been christmas, food and wine and mild chaos. I'm tired now.

ouch

I have been eating way to much gingerbread today, and even more gingerbread dough. My stomach hurts! I havn't been doing much more than baking today, apart from chillin', watching a couple of episodes of Buffy, and spontaneously cleaning the fridge.

Ida, Hannah, Sandra and Rob came by to hang out, at different times, and tomorrow will possibly be a bit the same. Exept Maria will be gone. She leaves for Sweden early tomorrow morning. And Olof is leaving to! So strange to be alone in the house. Can't imagine what it will be like. Exept that I might eat a lot of fish. And playing video games with Johan. But I'll miss Maria (and maybe Olof to, a little bit). 

Last night was great fun and I have my new glasses now! With great eyesight and a few glasses of wine and quite a lot of rum and the most fun friends anyone could wish for I had a truly good time. And today I didn't have hangover at all! Great stuff like!

Speaking of like, I have started talking with a really broad Cork-dialect. And it's really annoying me. I'm not from here and it's kinda... poser. But I really don't try to! It comes all natural like... 

What's wrong witcha'?! Story like?! (Yes. I sound silly. I didn't talk skånska in Skåne so why all this now?)

Tonight I had the strangest dream. My mother and I were walking down this long road. All around us there's beautiful autumn nature, but the road is muddy and covered in trash. There is someone else there, it might be Maria, I don't know. And I meet - someone, someone who is very special to me and who I miss very much. I'm walking beside him, talking, when we encounter a guard in the road. Behind him is a hill, the road goes over the hill. To our left there is a lake and to the right there is some kind of house. The sun is shining, the air is scandinavian cold. The person by my side is silent and grumpy, smoking a cigarette. My mother asks the guard if we can pass, explains that we really want to continue walking on the road, but he says no. She says "we promise to be nice" and he says that well, alright. But this persone, this special person, he picks something up from the road, a long stick with a peice of broken glass on it, I have no idea what it is, and he throws it in the lake. The guard is really mad and says that we absolutely can't pass. We beg him and tell him that this is the road we always walk, but he says no. Then we hear a sound, and the guard tells us to run and hide. Over the hill comes a very big bull running. He is big as an elephant with long, sharp horns. We turn and run, and try to hide behind the corner of the house, because that is the only shelter around, but the bull sees us and follows us around the corner and it's coming against us, and I wake up. 

Now. It's a bit late and I think I'll maybe watch an episode of Flight of the Conchords or something. 

Sleep well world.

Listening to: Sun Ra and Be Good Tanyas.

fail

Ouch. Wrote a post at work. Never finished it. Saved as draft. FAIL. Nothing saved.

Today was a better day than the last few days! Energy, happyness. Spent a little to much time reading the Failblog. Spent almost fifty minutes on a call with a customer who had a very basic model that she did not touch during the entire call. She was a nice lady but I really did'nt feel like being a psychiatrist today. It was really frustrating. My problem is that I really want to help people. This is not a plus when you work in customer support. It's great for customers but not for me. Or, not for my avarege handling time, at least.

Last night I had a lot of dreams. I dreamt of rats and spiders and I dreamt that I was driving a car from the backseat. Or, I was in the backseat, realizing I was supposed to be driving and the car is picking up speed. This is something I've dreamt many times before, in diferent settings. The major differences was that this time I wasn't alone in the car, it was a quite big car, and I easily managed to reach the break, and the wheel. I stopped the car and even parked it neatly at the side of the road, and got out and walked to the drivers seat.

Now I know that everybody even remotely interested in the hidden (or totally obvious) meanings in dreams go "Oh wow!" right about now, and yeah, symbolically it was pretty neat, and yeah, a feeling of control is definitely more present in my life now than it used to be when I was broke, unemployed and lonely - no big surprises.

The thing was that the car lacked breaks. It had the manual one I pulled in the more emergency-ish situation of driving from the backseat, but it had no real pedal break, exept for something that looked slightly like a peice of cardboard, stuck to one of the wheels.

Anyone feel like analyzing? Please, feel free to explain lots of dead rats and spiders as well. And a relative that appeared, a middle aged man with long hair and a beard. (No Robin, not you, I said middle aged!) He also had a cowboy hat. I think he gave me the car, or lent it to me, or something. (This was not actually a relitive that I have in reality.)

Tribes with Sandra, Maria and Viola was great! Had a couple of glasses of wine, Philly steak cheese, (with bbq sauce, nomnom) and a peice of banoffi pie (delicious cake!) and knitted a lot. Junta is win.

Oh bother. I write like a total nerd. Woe. Woe is me. I blame wine and the late hour. Why am I even still awake?!

Delicious cake!!! (Let me be clear about one thing though - the banoffi pie I had today did not contain bananas, which made it edible to me, since bananas are absolutely disgusting. Also the cream was a bit different from ordinary cream. It was like the cream in southern Swedish "Gräddbullar".)

This post actually failed twice and is now published almost 24 hours after the first version was actually written.

Listening to: When written: Sun Ra. That guy invented new levels of interesting. Basically it's impossible to explain, exept using the words "he is from Saturn". Yes. Saturn. When published: Cowbuy Junkies - The Trinity Session.

home

Not at work today. Feeling dizzy even though I'm lying down. Everything hurts. I'd rather break a leg than have the flu. I intensely hate being sick.

The dreams that I dream feel real.

damn

I just want to be here and now, enjoy the sunshine and all my friends and all but my mind just keeps drifting and it makes me angry.

Tonight I woke up, heart racing and head aching, from a hellish nightmare about evil undead monsters. It was scary on every imaginable mental level and still hangs on a bit.

Now I'm going to fika with Robin!

second floor

Nightmares. Yes. But they actually contain other stuff. I dreamt I shot someone. In the head, four entering wounds in the back of the head and four exit wound in the forehead. Small wounds. He didn't die though. He fell to the floor and I ran away with the machine gun. And I turned back. And he smiled at me. Lying on the floor. Not a nice dream.

The dream about the parking lot was much better. And all the other dreams.

Today is not a good day. Endorfines can be helpful but I wish they would last longer. I wish a lot these days. I dream. I try to stop myself. The dreams hurt.

It's my birthday in a couple of days. I got an unexpected birthdaypresent from Henrik yesterday! Cluedo! My favourite game! He didn't really want it so when I asked if I could borrow it he just gave it to me. He is a nice person in my book now. So far, all the birthday presents that I got have been great.

Basically Iv'e only got one thing on my mind right now. Can't really stop thinking about it.

When I come to Sweden I am going to have my old mobile phone number, just so you know, all of you who will want to call me. I arrive in Sweden on the twentythird of august. At around two thirty in the afternoon.

Love you too dad.