Nn

A very long day is over and I'm in bed with hair dye still in my hair because I'm simply too tired to wash it out in the middle of the night and then waiting for my hair to dry at least a little. It's probably going to be a pain to wash it out tomorrow morning but I'm going to sleep either way! Now! It's almost one and I got up at seven thirty, a much longer day than I'm used to!

I'm very excited about tomorrow! (Not only because of the shower I'm gonna take.)

Goodnight internet ♡

FRUSTRATING

Been really tired and stuff the last few days because of my inflamed damn jaw. Crying myself to sleep from the pain and waking up to take pain killers a few times every night. But now it's like it's letting go! Wonderful!

Unfortunately this seems to mean that I now can't sleep because I'm suddenly filled with energy. It's two in the morning.

That's six hours of sleep. That should be okay.

I just hope that I don't wake up in two hours with intense pain, or oversleep and miss my therapist appointment. Ugh.

I want to sleep but I can't even relax! Whyyyyy

What's wrong with meeee

Why am I awake it's 04:43

Realizations

Okay I give up, I'm a night owl and however much I want to be something else I always revert to getting stuff done at night. It's when I'm relaxed and creative and calm and logical. It's easiest to focus on painting and drawing and going through reference pictures and looking for inspiration. I do other stuff too, like cry and play puzzle games on my phone (a difficult combo since the tears make it harder to see the screen) but that I can do any time of day.

One of the reasons is that I don't have a good reason to go to bed. I wait until I'm really tired so I can minimize the time spent lying awake and feeling like poop on a dead hamster. I have no reason to get out of the house and no reason (or will) to get out of bed. Sometimes I wake up feeling rested and just force myself to keep sleeping because reality is just too horrible. (By "sometimes" I mean most days.) 

Every day I stay in bed longer and go I bed later. I force myself to eat. I think about death and wonder what it feels like. I drink coffee. 

Being less medicated, apart from making me shake and feel nauseated and cry uncontrollably, makes my brain function differently. And by that I mean that I feel smart. I can use my intelligence. So can my depression. I hate it. I get WAY more creative and I have more energy to do creative stuff. 

I like this externalising of my depression. I don't want to view it as part of me, of my personality. I want it to be a separate thing. It makes it much easier to specify - if not to anyone else then to myself - what is ME and what is just my demon. The black, sticky, cold demon stuck to my back. Like the bug in that ep of doctor who. With Donna. Except not a bug, a huge, heavy, sticky, rotting creature that wraps it's long, thin arms around my throat and hangs there, strangling me. The creature is whispering to me. Whispering that I'm as useful as a dead hamster. 

I'm only going to post about my sleeping habits forever

Seriously, it's five in the morning. I was drawing. And suddenly it was five in the morning. I was drawing and listening to an audiobook and music. Focusing on three different things at once is perfect for me. But I don't really notice the passage of time.

In other news; I'm actually seeing a psychologist next week! Amaze! After three years of being super fucking depressed! Yay! I asked my doctor if I could try to not be medicated maybe but she says no and I'm worried that they'll start screwing with the therapy if I'm not following their orders. I've been medicated for three years and I don't know if it "helps" at all. I'm alive but also pretty dysfunctional. Maybe it would be worse without meds. Maybe not. I'll never know (if they get their way). 

I'm worried that I'll be smarter than the psychologist. They don't like that. Neither do I. 

I really should sleep now.  

Small victories

I went to bed before three. I did an important thing. I beat my high score at a meaningless game on my phone. I finished "Enders game" on audio book and started on "Enders shadow". I really like them. I started on a realistic painting based on a selfie I took this morning. I focused too much on detail and now it looks wonky but I can probably fix it tomorrow.

Goodnight. 

Hey wow

I woke up early actually. I got the dishes done before the others woke up and we ate a huge magnificent brunch together.

My throat hurts more today and I'm so fucking angsty. I'm so sad and tired and my brain feels like it's just not working properly. The painting hysteria is fading a little as my paintings are getting more crappy. I don't know. Maybe I'm imagining it. 

I feel angry and lonely and friendless. Unloved. Unworthy of love. 

I'm in bed, listening to Leonard Cohen-covers, feeling both mentally crappy and like I have a cold coming on-crappy. But at this exact moment - not like I want to die. Don't know why. A bit strange. 

I'm going to stay here for a little bit more and then do brunch dishes and then go back to bed. Hopefully for the rest of the day. 

Tonight I'm goin to bed early

I think every night. And then, when I think "okay enough painting and audio book listening for one evening" and look at the time it's fucking three in the fucking morning again! And when I go to get ready for bed I realize that I forgot the last of the dishes I said I'd do and I accidentally make a lot of noise and one of the people I live with is really easily woken up and I know they'll be disappointed in the morning because there's still dishes and I feel like absolute crap. I don't want to start doing dishes at three in the morning even if it is Saturday. I brush my teeth and go to bed feeling like the failure that I am.

And I still feel bad about a character in a book that died and I feel like I'm trying to make up for a lifetime of painting with acrylics in just a few days with drying oil paintings on every surface I can find. And I'm painting on everything, peices of cardboard, old paper bags, card stock, everything with a surface. And it's bad. Most of my paintings are crap. I know it's a step towards getting less crappy but it's frustrating to see amazing artists make better things than I can ever hope to make and never get any recognition, and to see people who can't paint for shit get rich. I know it's just my opinion but yeah. I guess most artists have opinions on art. Whatever. My infantile crap is going up on the art blog along with the doll that I'm actually really happy with. 

Anyways my throat hurts why does it do that I wish it would stop. I wish I was not stupid from withdrawal. I wish my sleep schedule would stop being fucked up. I wish I was... Happy?

The zone

My first two oil paintings took several days to complete. I started them (alternating between them to let paint dry a little between layers) on Sunday and finished them both last night. The third one I started today and finished today. The fourth one was a quickie to use up the paints left on the palette. Even though it was technically larger than all the previous ones. I'm in a frenzy. I can't not paint. Sometimes I need a short brake to not stare myself completely blind at the piece I'm working on so I knit a few rows but pretty soon I'm back to painting. Discovering oil felt like coming home, like finding the missing piece of myself, like the most fun thing I've ever done. I suddenly understand something that I can't explain. It sounds stupid I know but it's almost four in the morning and after finishing the third and fourth oil paintings I had to knit for like 40 minutes just to wind down.

I'm listening to audio books by Christopher Moore while painting and I love them. I finished welcome to night vale and the style and feeling remind me of Moore and John dies at the end in a completely delicious combination. I wonder if jdate has been recorded as an audio book. I have the actual book but there we have my 'concentration problem'; I need more than one thing to focus on or I start thinking about something else and forget what I'm doing. 

Now I really have to sleep. Can't mess up my sleep cycle again. (Or, it always ends up with me falling asleep between three and four when I don't really make an effort to keep it "normal"...)

Tomorrow I will eat the traditional bun with whipped cream and milk. It's totally weird. I'll explain tomorrow. 

It is the night

My body's weak
I'm on the run
No time to speak
I've gotta ride
Ride like the wind
To be free again

Now I'm not sure those are the right lyrics to the eighties hit "ride like the wind" or whatever. But I'm pretty sure about "it is the night" and I like that bit.

It's ten to three and I feel like I'm bursting with creativity and longing and energy. If I was a manic depressive I would be manic, but I'm just a boring old depressed person who feels like a million bucks for a little while but can't really keep that feeling or turn it into action.

If I was manic I would have cut my hair short and started writing two new books. I would sketch a lot of different sketches for different paintings and started a couple of them. I would cut up a lot of fabric for clothes I wanted to make. And then fall asleep. And then never finish any of those things.

Now I'm not manic. So I'm lying in bed (wait, is that the right spelling? I'm not telling lies, I'm lieing? No. Lie down? Not standing, not sitting. You get it. Whatever.) trying to muster up the energy to take my meds before I fall asleep. With a small storm inside me.

If I was manic I would have started fixing up my cv. Maybe even sent it to someone. I would have eaten something. I would have been awake until even later than this unholy hour.

I should sleep. Or take my meds and sleep. And stay off pinterest at night.

Sleeper

Fell asleep at two in the afternoon yesterday. Woke up at nine. Fell asleep at two at night. Woke up at eleven.

I am SO well rested now.

Can't sleep

My meds make me really... strange. It's hard to know if they turn me off or make ne feel better. At the moment I don't really feel anything.

I'm tired and I can't sleep.
I'm happy that sweden made it to the final of the eurovision.
I miss my camera.
I'm thinking that maybe I'll get a piercing or two. Before summer comes along for real.

But mostly I don't really feel anything.

Is it good or bad? Is it just the absence of pain or is it actually the absence of feelings? Did I do the right thing when I broke up with both of my boyfriends?

I think so. Maybe I'm getting better. Maybe that is what this is. I don't know.

I should try to sleep.

These pills

I stayed up late. Really late. Maybe until four in the morning. And I'm waking up now, at half past two. That's about ten hours. The minimum of hours I sleep. Often it's 12. If I try to wake up earlier it just doesn't work.

This is possibly one of the many interesting side effects of my new medicine. Among the others are feeling dizzy a lot and sometimes a feeling like my blood pressure falls.

At least I don't want to kill myself when I take them. So it's all totally worth it.

Yes very good

Totally broke my sleeping schedule. Fell asleep around eight, woke up around two. Now it's five in the morning and I'm super awake. Cool.

Beeep

Today they're going through all the wards and testing the alarms. For hours there's been a constant beeping. It's horrible. There's a guy here who has some trouble with his temper who almost exploded at breakfast.

I'm still tired from last night and went back to bed after breakfast and a meeting with a counselor type person. She told me about stuff that I can do and help I can get to make my life work again. Felt good. But falling asleep in the noise is not easy.

Now I should try to wake up and maybe take a quick shower and have another cup of tea before I go home and do the laundry.

I have not yet closed my eyes

It's half past four. I'm hungry but not very tired. Too tired to make food. Not tired enough to fall asleep.

Soon though. 

I just read a very long article about children dying in cars. Forgotten by parents. The article won the Pulitzer Prize. I could not stop reading. It was horrifying. And it made me never want to own a car. 

So much to do. So little time. My head feels like it could break from all the noise inside. 

My sleeping patterns get stranger and stranger, despite the new medicine that was supposed to help me sleep at the right times. I think I might try going back to the medicine that just helped me sleep and simply take it at exactly the same time every night for a few nights. 

Four day weekend now. Tomorrow I'm going to go into town and pick up my dress, buy some food, call a couple of friends and make some plans, sort some stuff... Maybe start taking some photos of finished products?

It's almost five. The birds have started singing. I'm going to bed. 

Five in the morning

Today I got up, had breakfast, was productive, got stuff done, went grocery shopping (and to Clas Olsson), had lunch, went to the workshop, got the key for my new room... And fell asleep. At three. And slept until TEN. At NIGHT. That's seven hours.

My brain is such a DICK.

Anyways it's now early morning and I figure a couple of hours of sleep before breakfast can't hurt.

C'mon

Hello bots. And possible humans.

Today I got up before noon again. I felt happy.

I cut off another third of my hair, looked at tumblrs for a while and had breakfast. Today I had unsweetened "sour milk" (which is a Swedish thing that is not at all as disgusting as it sounds, it's a bit like yogurt) with fruit muesli.

Thinking about vlogging. Today feels like a good day. Gonna make stew tonight. Yeeees.

Adventures! Travel! Emotions!

You like that stuff right! All the good stuff. Yeah.
So today was GREAT. I stayed awake all day. I went to the workshop. I went to Rättvik with Kajsa and bought some yarn. (Not really needed perhaps but pretty. A very nice linen cotton something (rayon? No. Viscose maybe) blend that I'm gonna make a lace scarf of. My first real lace project! Scary and exiting.
I had tasty wonderful pizza, maybe for the last time in a long time, and I bought SO much vegetables! Oh my gosh. All the vegetables.
Gonna be healthy.
Getting sleepy now.
Talked to the best boyfriend ever for a while and played computer games and talked to friends and watched YouTube stuff and trailers for coming movies.
Uh. Almost sleeping now. Goodnight bots. I love you bots.

6

Reading online comics about trying to figure out stuff like sexual orientation and labels and self image and stuff like that, realizing I'm very very lucky to have a mother who never ever tried to pressure me into any sort of label or system or anything else. I don't have a definition of my sexuality and I don't want one. I feel uncomfortable trying to fit into any label, even "harmless" ones like bisexual.

I don't want any labels at all. I'm perfectly fine just being me.

If you feel like you absolutely have to, go with something like this:

• woman
• creative
• chaotic
• loving
• anarchist
• feminist
• beautiful
• young

Thanks mom, for giving me a solid trust in who I am. I can have problems with my looks, I can feel bad about my weight or my difficulty to handle economy, but I never felt any need to label myself for anyone else. I know that that stuff is 100% my own business.

SO yesterday I was gonna spend all day in the workshop but I ended up cleaning a lot and then going to systemet and having dinner with a friend.

I fell asleep around ten, fully dressed with my contacts in. 

But today is a brand new day and I moved my laptop to my desk again! First time in a couple of months actually. Since I started leaving my cam on over night. 

Six days. Exactly. Right now, in six days, I'll be kissing my boyfriend for the first time. It's the strangest thing. 

Now I'm going to make another cup of coffee, then go up to the design classroom for a short visit and then to the workshop where I will hopefully be staying all day. Might bring sandwiches? Hmm.

Six days.