chatting

it's almost four
I hate when Ben leaves
the days are okay but the nights are the WORST
I stay up late just so I can sleep for long so that time passes faster...

So yeah, it's really late and this is blog post number 900. Today I wrote a bit on my book, painted my nails, hung out with Rose, played Guild Wars 2 and... that's pretty much it I guess. I went swimming, I ate a lot of candy and pretty much no "real" food except a frozen mac-n-cheese that was supposed to be fancy but tasted pretty horrible. (Rose liked hers though.)

Oh and I watched Twin Peaks, ep1s02. Curiouser and curiouser. The owls are not what they seem. Oh Lynch you crazy dude.

Nails are now a shade of pearly pink that I can't decide if I love or hate.

Goodnight. Or morning. Or whatever time it is when you read this, dear reader.

---edit---
tried to get this post to look normal but srsly guise it's super late and I'm goin to bed instead

He loves me

And spring is here. The sun comforts my restless, worried heart.
I talked to my contact person today, and managed to work out at least one of the issues that have been worrying me. About that sweet man. I can't really explain it now though. It seems distant and strange now.
I paid my bills. I talked to people about stuff. I got some important info. I feel good about myself.
I like my contact. She's good.
I love my boyfriend. I'm gonna kiss him. On his face. I love his face.
I don't hate myself today. He makes me happy, and as scary as that is it doesn't have to be a bad thing. It has to be okay. He is sweet and kind and he loves me. Me. How can that not make me happy? How can that not be totally awesome?
(It is.)

Strange days

After lunch today I fell asleep. I was still feeling shaky and weak and sad. I woke up around three and went down to the workshop. I worked past nine and then went home and made a kind of spicy egg-bean-mushroom stir-fry-thing. Tasty.
Oh and I re-watched season four of sons of anarchy and realized that I might not have seen the last episodes. And I didn't even HAVE the very last one.
I miss my man. I think about him a lot. He's wonderful.

One cigarette

I smoked a cigarette and talked a bit to a classmate and made a decision.
I feel a bit better now. Not good, but a little better.
I'm trying to cheer myself up by thinking about the person that I love. Who loves me back. Like a light in the darkness.

You are not here

Your bag is not on my floor. Your skin is not close to mine. Your hair is not between my fingers, your hands are not touching me, you are gone and I miss you so much.
This morning I woke up next to you but I won't do that again for at least ten weeks.
I miss you.
I didn't cry on the train on my way home and I spent all day in the workshop, until eight or so. When I walked home the moon was so bright and the night so clear that the sliver of light looked like a blade and the rest of the moon was visible like a shadow behind it and you weren't there to see it. You would have loved it.
When I came up to my room your abscence was so strong. You are not here anymore. You are not in my bed. I'm wearing your scarf and I bury my face in it, trying to feel your smell.
I miss you.

Where is my love?

He's waiting to board a plane. I'm on the train back from the airport, where we just said goodbye. I cried on the way to the airport and promised not to do it on the way home. So far so good, but it's difficult.

This week has been wonderful. Completely. I'm so happy that I have gotten to spend it with this wonderful person, that he came to me, that he loves me. He's so much fun. I'm happy enough that the sadness is bearable but I'm gonna miss him so much.

6

Reading online comics about trying to figure out stuff like sexual orientation and labels and self image and stuff like that, realizing I'm very very lucky to have a mother who never ever tried to pressure me into any sort of label or system or anything else. I don't have a definition of my sexuality and I don't want one. I feel uncomfortable trying to fit into any label, even "harmless" ones like bisexual.

I don't want any labels at all. I'm perfectly fine just being me.

If you feel like you absolutely have to, go with something like this:

• woman
• creative
• chaotic
• loving
• anarchist
• feminist
• beautiful
• young

Thanks mom, for giving me a solid trust in who I am. I can have problems with my looks, I can feel bad about my weight or my difficulty to handle economy, but I never felt any need to label myself for anyone else. I know that that stuff is 100% my own business.

SO yesterday I was gonna spend all day in the workshop but I ended up cleaning a lot and then going to systemet and having dinner with a friend.

I fell asleep around ten, fully dressed with my contacts in. 

But today is a brand new day and I moved my laptop to my desk again! First time in a couple of months actually. Since I started leaving my cam on over night. 

Six days. Exactly. Right now, in six days, I'll be kissing my boyfriend for the first time. It's the strangest thing. 

Now I'm going to make another cup of coffee, then go up to the design classroom for a short visit and then to the workshop where I will hopefully be staying all day. Might bring sandwiches? Hmm.

Six days.

Crazy days

Wise guys realize there's danger in emotional ties!

But what is life without danger? Not an adventure. And life should be an adventure.

Avoiding danger is just being a coward.

It seems I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to explain to people that I love someone whom I have never actually met, but it feels very wonderful to call him mine. He is amazing and I don't feel like we've never met. We've just never actually been at the same place at the same time. I love him madly and ... he loves me. It's wonderful. I can't imagine that someone like him could be - is - in love with me.

I'm very happy.

The last few days has been so intense and crazy and fun.

I have been to parties, chased a thief, met old and new friends, had lots of good food, tasty drinks, spent a lot of time texting my boyfriend, met the most wonderful short people in the world, had cake and so many hugs.

Now I'm finally home and back in my bed.

Home in my room, at school. Not home where my heart is. My heart is in Texas. I never thought that my heart and my home would be in Texas, but life is an adventure. It's amazing.

Wet and cold

It's been raining and snowing. The weather is the kind of wet, icy cold that gets you whatever you're wearing.

I feel sorry for our nude model. But drawing nudes is lots of fun so that makes the day much better than it would have been otherwise.

In other news I'm insane. I'm totally crazy mad about that sweet wonderful person in Texas. I've never fallen in love over the Internet before and it's strange and a bit scary but wonderful.

I'll be your home

Hur ska man kunna motstå att falla för något sådant?

Jag tror inte jag kan i alla fall.

Jag klagade över alltings allmänna jävlighet och det faktum att jag hade hemlängtan men inte direkt ett hem. Jag ser fram emot att åka tillbaka till skolan imorgon men det känns inte helt som att komma hem. "I'll be your home."

Jag vill träffa honom. Jag tänker på honom hela tiden.

Att komma till Larsberg händes litegrann som att komma hem. Att träffa Tindra och barnen.

Thor ringer mig på Skype minst en gång om dagen och jag blir lika lycklig varje gång.

Just nu känns allt dock rätt motigt. Som en anti-midas; allt jag rör vid blir till skit. Sover elva, tolv timmar per natt, glömmer att äta. Mitt dåliga humör smittar folk omkring mig.

Det ska bli skönt att komma tillbaka till skolan. "Hem".

Men ååh

Jag försöker sova men mitt hjärta slår som om jag gömmer mig för polisen. Jag tänker på honom hela tiden och jag är livrädd att bli sårad. Så pass rädd så att jag ofta tänker att det inte är lönt, att det är bättre att bara avsluta det nu. Men jag misslyckas alltid. Jag vill inte tillräckligt mycket.

Jävla hjärta.

God jul

Har släpat min stora, tunga rullväska genom snödrivorna till tågstationen. Sitter nu och är helt kallsvettig som jag alltid blir när jag är ute i kylan och väntar på ett tåg som hittils är en kvart sent.

Ska bli underbart att träffa min släkt, men jag har inte julklappar till alla och det känns tråkigt. Fyra av sex personer får julklappar. Har inget till farfar eller min ena kusin. Hade jag inte vart så hungrig så hade jag nog fått ont i magen av ångest. Å andra sidan har jag nästan inga julklappar till någon annan heller. Bara Tindra och Dina.

Sen ska ju Ben få ett par raggsockor. Men de är inte stickade än. Och det blir ju inte riktigt en julklapp. Eftersom det blir efter jul. Och han ska skicka en present till mig.

Åh, jag börjar verkligen gilla honom, mycket. Läskigt. Känner mig otroligt sårbar och vill bara be honom vara försiktig med mig. Här är mitt hjärta det är jävligt ömtåligt snälla ha inte sönder det.

Jag tror inte att han kommer ha sönder det men det tror man aldrig. Åh.

Det känns som att julen är en busshållplats som jag åker förbi utan att gå av. Det är konstigt. Jag brukar älska julen. Men idag träffar jag min släkt, imorgon Tindra och världens underbaraste ungar! Känns hemskt att inte ha några presenter till dem heller. På onsdag åker jag till Uppsala och hälsar på Gisela. Det känns som om det kommer bli en bra julig julvecka.

Nu är tåget ytterligare fem minuter sent.