Thursday 30 April 2015


I don't know. I write about how I feel, I vent. I want to do that now but I don't even know what I feel. I feel empty and tired. I miss my darling. I feel both okay and kinda down. Slightly restless but extremely tired. Very confused and very... what's the word, like I can't really see a good reason to do anything. I don't want to do anything.

The feeling that I feel most strongly is the one of "MEH" or possibly "nah".

Mingled with a kind of dull panic in the background?

I can't figure this out. I don't even know if it's positive or negative, but that's more and more common nowadays. Before I did so much destructive stuff, it was easy to tell that the stuff that I did was in fact destructive. Now I'm always second guessing. Do I want to stay in bed because I just want to escape from the world? Or do I need to rest? Have I been exhausting myself with meaningless thought traps or have I been trying to accept my emotions? Did I do the dishes? What should I eat? What time is it? Did I have something important to do today? Do I need to save my energy for later or should I try to stay active?

And always the anger and guilt. I should be happy. I wish I had some money. I wish I could get a job instead of being such a huge fucking failure.

I know that that's destructive thinking but I really want to be happy and normal again and not just be such a fucking nutcase! I want to have a job and an income so that I can buy things! Like shoes! All my shoes are broken! Aaaaaaah!

I'm going to bed. I have been really sleepy but now of course I feel so awake. Whatever. I'll just beat myself up over not painting for ages even though I want to (because I don't deserve it! So stupid) until I fall asleep as a way to escape from myself. This is common.

Wednesday 29 April 2015


Been so tired today and now ofc I can't sleep. My head hurts. Been reading (too much?) homestuck. Not been doing all the important things.

I saw my shrink today and I think it was good? I never really know I guess.

Why can't I sleeeeeep this is stupid

Monday 27 April 2015


I am filled with emptiness? How is that even possible?

I don't know what's up today. I feel like nothing. I don't want to do anything. I don't feel anything. I slept for a really long time and then I woke up and now it's been a few hours and I just want to go back to sleep, shut down, not have to feel so empty. But I know that if I sleep more I'm gonna get a headache.

Whatever. Tired is a feeling that I have. Other feelings are not feelings that I have. So I guess I'll have a nap.

Friday 24 April 2015

Beginning of the end

...of the week. It's been a long one. Since I came home on Monday evening a million years have passed. I've tried to be strong but I failed as usual. I fuck stuff up.
I just can't make myself feel like anything matters at all. Like there's any point in trying to force myself to get out just for the sake of getting out. Broke and not really feeling like hanging out with anyone else than people who are close to me and who I feel safe and comfortable with.

Fucking Friday. I want to feel happy. I had a thought of going running before I remembered that a physiotherapist told me years ago that I definitely should not run. My hips are too crappy. Jogging will just make me semi invalid. (Really.)

I can't afford a gym membership to try to make my legs, back, stomach and hip-muscels strong enough to survive running, and even if I could I would probably fail to go. Or use the money on things that I need more. Like a new phone or a new laptop or at least a new cooling pad for the one I have now.

I'm so tired of myself. I want to get out of my own head. But I have no idea how.

Thursday 23 April 2015


Recent mood: angry a lot. Want to scream. Get super tense and it drains me of energy.

What am I mad about? I don't know. Things in the past probably. I get super sensitive and sounds disturb me a lot and I get angry and sad and I try to contain it and it either makes me super tired and I fall asleep or I scream and break down completely.

Everthing is so difficult. I can't ever really relax. Feels like I'm in an iron maiden (the torture device, not the band) and if I stand extremely still I'm almost okay but I can't stand still. Every pinprick hurts so much. Makes me break down.

Every little thing breaks my mind.

Like getting dressed and realizing that it's not warm enough and having to take it off and put on other clothes. (Ten minutes of hysteric crying.)

Or getting home from the airport with a couple of heavy bags and the electronic door lock is malfunctioning and I have to go in through the other door and walk up one flight of stairs to get to the elevator. (Constant mental screaming.)

Or sometimes waking up in the morning. (Mind completely disintegrates and I descend into madness.)

Sometimes anything, dropping something on the floor, forgetting my headphones at home, having too much to do or not enough... any tiny thing can send me into the darkness. I hate it. I get moody and snappy and I hate the person I become. I hate being so angry.

I have supportive people around me though. My therapist is pretty good so far (even though the last session left me feeling like everything is just completely meaningless for some reason that I can't figure out) and my person/partner/manfriend/significant other is super smart and sensitive and kind and understanding wich is so amazing. I'm scared he'll get tired of me since I'm always scared people will get tired of me but I can't remember feeling so connected to anyone before. I love him so much. Just thinking about him calms me down.

Monday 13 April 2015

I hate my life and I want to die

No news there I guess

I am alone and everything is meaningless and people are crap and I am poor and can't afford to eat food and my existence is so completely meaningless.

I focus on that dude and hate myself even more for it but I love him and I don't really have a whole lot else to focus on when everything is like this

I want to die

But I don't want to because of this one person who I love and who loves me back

It's so pathetic, he has a life and I just sit in my room with this heavy sadness pressing me down through my bed, not letting me breathe

And I can't even take comfort in the thought of death anymore

My roomies are eating something that smells nice but I'm not invited I guess, they haven't been inviting me to eat with them lately, I don't know why. We used to eat together. Now I guess we don't.

Seriously there is nothing at all in my life that gives it any sort of meaning expect for him. It's a too big responsibility. He shouldn't have to carry that. But I can't really figure out a way to fix it. Or anything else.

I hate everything. Why is this my life. Why is everything so horrible. Fuck.

Wednesday 8 April 2015

What's wrong with meeee

Why am I awake it's 04:43

Tuesday 7 April 2015

Much too much

It feels like I'm losing control, like the world is spinning too fast and existence is an illusion.

I don't know what I need or what I should do, don't know what's right or wrong, don't know anything at all except that it feels bad to go to bed alone after a few nights with him.

So much things spinning around in my head right now. Too much. Chaos fills me.

He left just a few hours ago and we skyped for two after he came home. And I still miss him so much. When we're together I get stressed out from feeling like I have to make every second count. I can't relax. When we're apart I just want to be with him. I feel stupid, like a stupid kid. He's just the most wonderful person, I can't even explain how good he is. He's so much better than me. He's so kind and loving and caring and I'm mostly a nervous wreck. I'm demanding and grumpy and rude and in general just a bitch. (To everyone! And if I'm not then I'm probably really tense. I don't have the energy to be nice.)

I don't deserve him and I know it's a cliché and I know I'm being stupid but he's so much better than me. He has the most beautiful personality. He's so funny and cuddly and warm.

I want to be close to him all the time. I'm scared that I'm being too ... obsessed.

Shrink tomorrow. And so much stuff happening the next few days that my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

I probably need to be alone for a couple of days. But I won't. To much to do. I hate everything a little.

Wednesday 1 April 2015

Close my mind

Today has been about trying really hard to not listen to the hysterical screaming from inside of me. It didn't really go well. I don't feel great.

Tentacles made out of sticky darkness is reaching out from my stomach. My nervous system is being infected by emptiness. I feel like trash. Like an empty beer can having the air sucked out and getting crushed from inside.