Thursday 30 April 2015


I don't know. I write about how I feel, I vent. I want to do that now but I don't even know what I feel. I feel empty and tired. I miss my darling. I feel both okay and kinda down. Slightly restless but extremely tired. Very confused and very... what's the word, like I can't really see a good reason to do anything. I don't want to do anything.

The feeling that I feel most strongly is the one of "MEH" or possibly "nah".

Mingled with a kind of dull panic in the background?

I can't figure this out. I don't even know if it's positive or negative, but that's more and more common nowadays. Before I did so much destructive stuff, it was easy to tell that the stuff that I did was in fact destructive. Now I'm always second guessing. Do I want to stay in bed because I just want to escape from the world? Or do I need to rest? Have I been exhausting myself with meaningless thought traps or have I been trying to accept my emotions? Did I do the dishes? What should I eat? What time is it? Did I have something important to do today? Do I need to save my energy for later or should I try to stay active?

And always the anger and guilt. I should be happy. I wish I had some money. I wish I could get a job instead of being such a huge fucking failure.

I know that that's destructive thinking but I really want to be happy and normal again and not just be such a fucking nutcase! I want to have a job and an income so that I can buy things! Like shoes! All my shoes are broken! Aaaaaaah!

I'm going to bed. I have been really sleepy but now of course I feel so awake. Whatever. I'll just beat myself up over not painting for ages even though I want to (because I don't deserve it! So stupid) until I fall asleep as a way to escape from myself. This is common.

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