Rage

Recent mood: angry a lot. Want to scream. Get super tense and it drains me of energy.

What am I mad about? I don't know. Things in the past probably. I get super sensitive and sounds disturb me a lot and I get angry and sad and I try to contain it and it either makes me super tired and I fall asleep or I scream and break down completely.

Everthing is so difficult. I can't ever really relax. Feels like I'm in an iron maiden (the torture device, not the band) and if I stand extremely still I'm almost okay but I can't stand still. Every pinprick hurts so much. Makes me break down.

Every little thing breaks my mind.

Like getting dressed and realizing that it's not warm enough and having to take it off and put on other clothes. (Ten minutes of hysteric crying.)

Or getting home from the airport with a couple of heavy bags and the electronic door lock is malfunctioning and I have to go in through the other door and walk up one flight of stairs to get to the elevator. (Constant mental screaming.)

Or sometimes waking up in the morning. (Mind completely disintegrates and I descend into madness.)

Sometimes anything, dropping something on the floor, forgetting my headphones at home, having too much to do or not enough... any tiny thing can send me into the darkness. I hate it. I get moody and snappy and I hate the person I become. I hate being so angry.

I have supportive people around me though. My therapist is pretty good so far (even though the last session left me feeling like everything is just completely meaningless for some reason that I can't figure out) and my person/partner/manfriend/significant other is super smart and sensitive and kind and understanding wich is so amazing. I'm scared he'll get tired of me since I'm always scared people will get tired of me but I can't remember feeling so connected to anyone before. I love him so much. Just thinking about him calms me down.