Thursday 28 February 2013



I dreamed that the hotel booking was screwed up. And that he was totally weird in real life. And that I was too. And the hotel and everything was just really horrible.

I want to keep cleaning but I should be in the workshop. Ugh.


So after cleaning for a while I had breakfast (eggs and bacon! Yum!) and the sun was shining. I felt the pep return.

I watched half an episode of true blood with Sanna and when I went out to have a smoke the sun was gone, the wind was wild and it started raining. Yeah. Thanks.

Now I'm back in my room again.

Wednesday 27 February 2013


Been cleaning my room for like two days, so that it now resembles a merely regularly messy room instead of the half packed chaos it was last week.

Okay, maybe a bit messier than a regular messy room. (All my make up is in order though!)

I've been polishing an old unfinished piece of jewelry.

I've finished watching "The Legend Of Korra".

I've epilated my legs. Oh yes. Really. I had given up completely on keeping my leg hair short but this guy for some reason makes me silly!

I really haven't gotten enough done in the workshop though, and that really bothers me. Maybe tonight.

Now I'm off to eat pancakes!

Saturday 23 February 2013


Drama is over. Ben is coming to visit. Life feels pretty good.

Monday 18 February 2013

The Magicians

"The magicians is to Harry Potter as a shot of Irish whiskey is to a glass of weak tea" George RR Martin said, according to the back of the book.

No. The Magicians is like a wine-fueled hangover, complete with regrets and misery and sex and awkwardness, plus REAL MAGIC, which isn't really much fun. It's painful and exhausting and powerful and very difficult. In comparison Harry Potter feels like a silly colorful children's book.

The fact that the characters (well, Josh) keeps making sarcastic jokes about Harry Potter is a sweet detail in this amazing web of people growing into bitterness and acceptance and adulthood.

On top of everything the language is absolutely beautiful.

You should read it.

Sunday 17 February 2013

All of the drama

It's cold and wet and late. Walking back to Tindra and Oscar's place through the neighborhood that used to be my own, memories from one year ago wash over me like shadows. I'm seeing double.

A year ago I lived here and all these people where a part of my life. I saw them every day, cooked for them, laughed with them, had fights with them.

Staggered home drunk with my best friend, spent long days in bed with him, watched lots of movies, made chilies, drank rum.

I see all these things when I walk here. I see myself taking the kids to day care, I see me and J making drunken snow angels, I see us looking out at the ships singing "lillith victoria!"

Tonight it really hurts to remember all the good times I had with J. The painful memories of summer had just begin to fade into the distance and all the nice memories where the ones that I kept. But as one problem gets solved another got un-solved.

And now, again, after I thought we had gotten through all the crap, he tells me that he doesn't want to see me for some time. Or really keep in touch. After all the shit we went through together, after all the energy we both put into our friendship.

Jealousy is a fucking stupid thing. It's not logical, it's not useful, it's just a need to control others. It's fear pretending to be love. It's wanting to rule. It's selfish and destructive.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.

He's still my friend. But he's not the same person.

Wednesday 6 February 2013

Wholly chao

At times like this my stuff feels like a part of who I am, parts of my life. And I am in chaos, surrounded by chaos and I know nothing but chaos. There is nothing but chaos inside me.

My belongings own me. I feel like I carry every single thing that I own. It's heavy. It makes me frustrated. It makes me feel trapped. There are so many things, there is so much to remember, so much to deal with.

I know nothing.

Tuesday 5 February 2013

So scared

Scared to death. Everything is just too much. I don't know how to deal. Everything was wonderful and then everything was horrible and cold and dark and I don't know what to do. I can't stand people. I can't pack my stuff. I can hardly breathe.

Everything makes me cry. I feel totally empty.


Jag orkar inte.

Monday 4 February 2013

Fuck shit up

I've been kicked out of my home. Because of lies, rumors and deceit. Fun stuff.

Crazy days

Wise guys realize there's danger in emotional ties!

But what is life without danger? Not an adventure. And life should be an adventure.

Avoiding danger is just being a coward.

It seems I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to explain to people that I love someone whom I have never actually met, but it feels very wonderful to call him mine. He is amazing and I don't feel like we've never met. We've just never actually been at the same place at the same time. I love him madly and ... he loves me. It's wonderful. I can't imagine that someone like him could be - is - in love with me.

I'm very happy.

The last few days has been so intense and crazy and fun.

I have been to parties, chased a thief, met old and new friends, had lots of good food, tasty drinks, spent a lot of time texting my boyfriend, met the most wonderful short people in the world, had cake and so many hugs.

Now I'm finally home and back in my bed.

Home in my room, at school. Not home where my heart is. My heart is in Texas. I never thought that my heart and my home would be in Texas, but life is an adventure. It's amazing.