Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

What a weekend

On Friday I think I partied for 11 or 12 straight hours which is unusual for me! At least the last few years. I was at a mingle event and met an old friend, ate amazing sushi at izakaya koi, drank wine and irish coffee and weird grogs at Kalle's place and went to a party where I met a lot of new and exciting people! Some of whom I later had a fantastic night with.

On Saturday I was pretty hung over but it was a good day anyway. Today is my mother's birthday and we went to a viking market with Robin, who bought me a necklace that I fell so madly in love with. It's made of black oak with a bronze bead. I can't really say what I love so much about it but I never want to take it off. I think I'm going to make it my turn around symbol. Years of pressure and hardship has made me stronger and wiser and better. Black oak is mostly reclaimed wood from old sunken ships. (Robin has a peice found in an old well, and one found deep underground while making the city tunnel in Malmö.) I recognized it immediately and the man who sold it said that I was the first who did. I wish I had asked where this particular wood is from.

Anyway; my turn around symbol because I am getting stronger and things are turning around. I feel better and better. When stuff is difficult I think that I'm one of billions of people on a small rock hurtling through space. And as such I have everything I need. So the black oak, from a tree that grew over hundreds of years and then, after that, was probably felled and made into something by someone, and then, after that, waited for hundreds of years more before coming to me, will remind me of a lot of things.

Everthing passes. Everthing has an end. Good and bad.
Life is amazing and filled with surprises and love and beauty.
I, too, am made stronger from my experiences.
My whole existence - from womb to tomb - is nothing compared to this tiny peice of wood, once a living thing. And THAT in turn is nothing compared to the silly little rock it once grew on. This silly beautiful rock hurtling through space.
Stuff is going to get better from now on.

I also bought a small pot of smoked salt and some other small trinkets. And I finally did the vacuuming.

Now I think I'll watch a horror movie before bed.

Nightlife

I'm out with a friend and we're feeling old. We're not very social but it feels pretty good to be around people. Even if we're both boring and old.

I didn't do any of the things I was gonna do.

Tomorrow I'm going to Lund.

Crazy days

Wise guys realize there's danger in emotional ties!

But what is life without danger? Not an adventure. And life should be an adventure.

Avoiding danger is just being a coward.

It seems I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to explain to people that I love someone whom I have never actually met, but it feels very wonderful to call him mine. He is amazing and I don't feel like we've never met. We've just never actually been at the same place at the same time. I love him madly and ... he loves me. It's wonderful. I can't imagine that someone like him could be - is - in love with me.

I'm very happy.

The last few days has been so intense and crazy and fun.

I have been to parties, chased a thief, met old and new friends, had lots of good food, tasty drinks, spent a lot of time texting my boyfriend, met the most wonderful short people in the world, had cake and so many hugs.

Now I'm finally home and back in my bed.

Home in my room, at school. Not home where my heart is. My heart is in Texas. I never thought that my heart and my home would be in Texas, but life is an adventure. It's amazing.

Spooky

Gjorde lite marängspöken idag! (Inspirerade av det här receptet.) Supersöta (till utseende och smak). Ska skicka med några med barnen till deras dagmamma imorrn och tänkte använda några till att toppa halloweenmuffins med!

Lyckades tyvärr inte föreviga min outfit igår. Hade jättestort, nyfärgat lockat hår, creepy clown makeup (lite messy, halvt inspirerat av Heath's joker) under en vit mask (gips, papier mache och vit färg), korsett och tutu.

Fick komplimanger för alltihop - hår, smink, mask, massor för mina ögon ("är det där dina riktiga ögon?!") korsetten och framförallt kjolen.

Alla kommentarer om mina bröst hade jag gärna sluppit. Jag vet att de är stora. Jag valde det dock inte och det är INTE okej att prata om/med dem! Otroligt trött på alla otroligt obehagliga snubbar som tror att bara för att de är stora så kan man säga vad som helst om dem! Får aldrig höra att de är fina - bara stora. Det är inte samma sak! Jag hade gärna haft väldigt mycket mindre bröst och sluppit dumma kommentarer, ryggproblem och att inte kunna ha några kläder som inte är stretchiga.

So dudes - om en tjej har stora bröst har hon förmodligen hört "vilka stora tuttar du har!!!" ganska många gånger. Jag vet att det finns tjejer som gillar att höra det men jag fattar inte varför. Hitta på en bättre komplimang och vänta med att säga nåt om brösten tills ni blivit tillsammans. Att höra "jag älskar dina bröst" från sin pojkvän är bara kul. Men på krogen från en vilt främmande person är det inte alls okej. "Vilken fin kjol", "vilka snygga skor", "häftig mask" "coolt hår" - alla mycket bättre alternativ.

Enough rant! Hade iaf väldigt roligt igår!

close to the end

I had the most wonderful weekend. Last week was kinda slow but it ended with happiness and cake on Friday night, which was my farewell-beer-night. The best farewell-beer-night ever. I had so much fun and I was so drunk and I ate chicken and everything was wonderful.

On Saturday I was asleep until four in the afternoon, then I staggered home from Maria's place and managed to take a shower and eat some microwave lasagna before I fell asleep again, and then on Sunday me and Maria went into town and hung out, I bought a bag, we bought some food, we went back to her place and bleached my hair and had dinner. My hair looks great now, finally managed to make it look pretty even and nice! Thanks Maria! I love it!

Today I'm packing some and tomorrow I'm hanging out with Maria for the last time. There's a very cold little stone in all the shiny happiness, the "leaving your bestest friends"-stone. I'll miss Cork, and everyone, but probably Maria the most.

Listening to: T J Rehmi - Who Killed Bhangra

wishes

So people have started asking what I want for my birthday. There's a list in the sidebar there but I'll tell you right here anyways.

• Electric Picnic tickets
  
• debts payed
• sewing machine
• a tattoo
• a nice backgammon board
• a digital system camera
• Adobe Photoshop
  

...or if you don't feel like spending shitloads of money, get me stuff from Lush (like the shampoo Big) or a voucher at Urban Decay or crafty stuff like yarn in beautiful colours or paintbrushes or Sims 3 or a decent gamer mouse or vouchers at Vibes & Scribes or cinema tickets or a nice dinner. (Although I guess a nice backgammon board doesn't have to cost a shitload of money.)

So there's not a lot of news or I would post more often. Joe is still a good guy and he still makes me smile and I like being with him. My last trip to Sweden was, as mentioned, horrible, stressful and sad but I also met some wonderful people who made up for stress and angst. Sandra (Sandy Twotimes), Ida, my baby sister Kajsa and her wonderful mother Ulrika, beautiful Hannah, Kristoffer, and others. You guys are all so rockn'roll and I don't know what I would do without you. (I would deffo fail at moving anyways.)

Yesterday me and Joe went to see Coraline (after like a hundred years I finally got to see it! In an empty theatre no less!) and I LOVED it and he liked it more than he thought he would so that's all win. I want to make little me-dolls now. Then we celebrated the 4th of july with a BBQ in his backyard, with his housemate Danny the American. Good times. Went out after and even though I was drinking from like five in the afternoon untill one at night I never got drunk, just a bit of a headache. Had lot's of fun though, lot's more fun than I usually have when I go out, mainly just because I was in a really good mood. So I would say a very good weekend.

And listen all of you who I invited to come over: I MEAN IT! It looks like it will be a while untill I visit Sweden again, sadly. So here's some advice: if you're flying from the south of Sweden, fly from Copenhagen. Check flights at Skyscanner.net.

So now I think I'll tidy up a bit in my room and then I might drag my ass to the gym.

Listening to: Spotify. Specifically today: Mozart and Jolie Holland.


---EDIT---
My mother mentioned that I did not mention Robin in my list of people that I met up with while I was home. She is right of course, he was both fun to meet and a big help - as always. And he let me play with the forge! Robin is awesome and I hope, Robin, that if you read this you did not feel forgotten.

Sorry about that.

surprise

Someone who hurt me a lot apologized today. I did'nt forgive him but still. Big surprise really. I'll never ever trust him again and I honestly don't want him in my life, but I do appreciate that he apologized.

More relevant to your interests: I'm going to Electric Picnic with Tall&Handsome (or Joe as I call him in reality) in august. We had a great weekend - on saturday he came over and mocked me a bit for being so hungover and gave me hugs and we watched Mighty Boosh, and then we went out for a walk in the sunshine, and had lunch at Quay Co-op. On saturday night we had a big work dinner with SHC, my old department that closed down. I had great pizza at Milano, we went to Crane Lane and had lot's of fun and met lot's of fun people and it was great. Lot's of fun and dancing and wooo, and Joe came there with his friend, and we had fun.

Today we went for a long long walk (and I was'nt hungover at all! Miraculous!) and we had hamburgers at Eddie Rockets.

The sun has been shining madly and I even got a little color! (In my case the color is pink and it's gone by tomorrow but still.)

I finished cutting my hair and I'm very happy with my short result. I'll try to upload a picture some time soon. Also I just paid for Spotify, so Dad - I got your invite now, if you still want it. 

Listening to: Maskinen - not on Spotify, because it's lagging so much it's impossible to use. Great. Well, it might get better, or I'll unsubscribe, or I just have to let the songs load before I listen to them... For about twice as long as it actually takes to play them. Crap.

in case of zombies

I might spend to much time planning for the coming* Zombie apocalypse. Today I came to the conclusion that our beloved home would be way to hard to protect. But I thought of someting: Tesco. It has all we would need to survive, and it would be protectable, as long as we could barricade off the entrance (all the way up to where free sushi-guy is standing, across from the candle shop). 

On the other hand, I think that spending to much time planning for the coming Zombie apocalypse is impossible. 

Three things are vital: weapons, some kind of hiding place (easily protected, food, shelter etc.) and knowledge of how the Zombies function. Primary sences, easiest ways of killing them, re-animationing functions, etc. Guns are hard to come by, and I don't know how to use them. I would go for an axe, or a shovel.

In case of vampires: go "Oh sparkly!" and have some sexual tension and you'll be fine... (Sure, sure, I'll admit. I am a huge Twilight fan. Read all four books in five days or so. And then bought them. Sure, sure.) (Go Team Jacob!)

In case of Supervillains: Call for Captain Hammer! 

Next saturday I'm having a party. A masquerade. I was really happy about it but lot's of people just go "Oh, c'mon, annoying, I hate maquerades, that sucks" so I'm kinda really doing my best to keep up the feeling of YAY... Pretty hard. So far only three people are leaving town though. 

If they don't want to, why cant they just shut the **** up about it and not come? Why are people so inconsiderate? 

Whatever, nevermind. I'm getting drunk in funny makeup. Even if I'm doing it on my own. (I'm not though, there are some people in this town who appreciate a party, even though they have to think a little...)

Pretty good day today, all in all. I moved, at work, for the last time, and now I am in my final seat. (Not in the dying way, I'm just not moving around anymore.) Worked one hour overtime. Ate chicken for dinner. 

Listening to: Shashkin (Hefner remix) - Omar Faruk Tekbilek (From the album Back to mine: The Voodoo Sessions)

*Indeed.

spaz

So yeah I appreciate a compliment as much as the next guy but after ten or twenty times "your tits are so great" gets a bit boring. Or actually annoying.

But apart from that sunday night was great. Me and Ida went for a beer before we went to the movies but we never made it to the movies. Sunday day was equally good with Heroes and knitting all day.

Saturday was gingerbread mayhem! All day! And now Maria is gone and I miss her but I started my training today and it's interesting to sit over there, several metres away, and listen to Hannah's calls.

Also; if you live in Cork, or visit Cork, ever - go to The Berries and have their Hotpot. Best chilli ever. Really.

Listening to: N*E*R*D - Time for some action

some assembly needed

I LOVE ALL MY NEW STUFF!

Me and Maria just assembled the lamp Årstid and I'm drinking coffee from the mug/bowl Ljuvlig. But most of all there's a man in my life now. The only one I need. He's strong and stable and he can help me carry thay weight; he is a working class hero and a peice of Swedish culture; he is versatile and good looking: Ivar.

Ivar is the man for me. And well, Moses is pretty nice to.

Also I left my sence of practicality behind and went straight for pretty; I bought a few frames and some really nice black and white photo prints that will keep Jimmy D company on the wall above my bed.

There was christmas things purchased, a shelf for the kitchen, I went all in on the storage system Bygel for my room, and also bought the desk organizer Mackis. Of course we also bought a lot of Swedish food, I almost died of happiness when I found sill! (Herring, that is.) We had wonderful meatballs with potatoes and cream sauce and lingonberryjam for lunch.

Well. All of our adventures are extremely exiting to read about, I know, but if you want to know about the ten hours we spent in the car and how the hell we managed to get all the stuff - and ourselfes - in there for the journey back, you'll just have to ask.

We left home at five in the morning and came back around eleven at night. I went right to Björns party, wich was really nice, I had a beer and hung around for a while, everyone absoultely loved my new chain-scarf, it was relaxed and nice and people where quite drunk and then I went home to go to bed but of course I had to stay up and play with my new things for a while.

Today is obviously assembly day, I'm going to do some cleaning and there's probably a junta-meeting tonight. And back to work tomorrow.

I think about you a lot, all the time almost, but I'm not sad now.

Listening to: Dr. John aka The Night Tripper - Gris-gris (the album)

silence

Silence all around me.

Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.

The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.

I don't want this emotional blackmail.

Everything I say is true.

We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.

After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.

Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.

On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.

Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.

Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.

Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.

Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.

in my blood

Five minutes past midnight. I just got home, brushed my teeth and went and told the neighbours that some of the people in this house actually start working at six. I think we have new neighbours. The old ones have not had one single party since we called the police. After asking nicely to please turn the volume down, telling them in the daytime that they really should try to think about not throwing so loud parties on weekdays, and eventually telling them a bit more firmly to shut the fuck up. About ten or twenty times.

Well, they're back at it. I usually have no trouble sleeping. I should probably try. The two glasses of wine will probably help, as long as they stop shouting just outside my window.

At least the music is pretty good. I think it's mostly The Doors actually. This is one of the reasons I think these neighbours might be new ones; they looked and sounded more Irish and rocker-type-ish. The old ones where really French.

Ooh! Sultans Of Swing!

Today has been a very long day. In every way. Long and heavy. Mutual decisions have been reached and I have worked one and a half hour overtime. No tickets booked. I have to do that tomorrow.

Not going to Lund though.

I feel that this was the right thing to do. Nothing else would have been fair.

Yes, I let him get away.

Did they actually shut up now or are they just changing cd's?

Whatever. I'm going to sleep. I ran this morning, worked all day, had some kind of breakup, worked overtime, had pizza, had wine, walked around, had more wine. My oh my. Sleep now.

make it real

The weekend is almost over. Soon enough I'm going to bed. At the moment I can't stop listening to Regina Spektor even though I want to listen to a book... Knitting the most complicated thing I've ever knitted, which is fun, but I'm not going to say very much about it since it's going to be a christmaspresent.

At home I hang out a lot in the living room, Olof and Maria are hanging out more upstairs. I enjoy being alone as much as I enjoy company. Basically I'm happy all the time. I bought modelling paste and I'm gonna make lots of fun stuff to put in our tree (which is probably going to be plastic from Argos) and probably a lot of other stuff as well.

Friday was nice, was in town with Maria after work, had the mightiest salad ever, some red wine, talked with someone a lot over msn, then I went out with Sandra, the new Swedish girl at work, for some more wine. It was great, she's really cool. Saturday was also nice, me and Maria went to town, Maria found a great coat, I found great yarn, we had coffee with Sandra at tribes. Then I chilled out by myself, knitted, watched Lost Boys: The Tribe and I'm sorry but it really wasn't any good at all. Sorry Susan. Sorry PJ Pesce. Sorry. Also saw the first episode of Sarah Connor Chronicles which was ok I guess, was not very focused, but it had Summer Glau in it so YAY! Summer Glau I love you!

Eventually New Swedish Björn convinced me to go to Egon's party and we walked through the pouring rain for like an hour and I had high heels, good planning there. Egon lives in Blackpool which is really far away but he had a nice house with a nice party in it and rum smoothies and I had fun. And Egon gave me a pair of converse! So now I have five pairs. Five pairs of converse and four pairs of hight heels. Great stuff. I live in Ireland! Ireland! Rain! So I'm gonna buy a pair of boots and probably use them a whole lot.

I hope I'll get my bag tomorrow! Hope hope hope!

I want to know how to trust someone. I want to. It feels like a good thing. This someone feels like someone good. But I think my basic capability to trust is screwed. I feel betrayed. I don't think I am but I still feel like it. Maybe I want to let go, maybe I don't. I wish I knew. I wish emotions were simple and rational.

woooosh!

So much stuff going on!!! The party was wonderful and the police came and it was great and now it's raining and we're going to Killorglyn for the goat festival and oh god.

I'll write more later.

cold

Seems like I've caught a cold. Finally. Everyone has been sick exept me. Only problem is it sucks being sick! Not that I would miss work very much in particular but I will miss the money. It's not late yet, I will go to bed early, and hope that the rn'r I got today sorted me out so that I'll wake up all well and good tomorrow.

Apart from that... Well, Iv'e got a lot to say. But... Well... What difference does it make? (I remember getting an answer to that question. But still, here I am, no difference.)

So yeah, I guess I should'nt be writing what's on my mind just now.

En doft som berusar mig, gör mig yr.

Amalie is coming back again! Greatness! She'll be here at the same time as Maia, which I think is great... Since they get to meet. And come to my and Ida's party the eight. (And so should everyone else!)

And not many more days now... Soon Maia will be here! Almost just a week! (And a couple of days, but hey.) It will be soooo gooood!

Going to bed now.

sugar rush

So yeah, my week of happiness did not end in a crash, like I had prepared for, but more in a general... sinking feeling. Complete with the feeling of I can't breathe oh god and that kind of thing.

A question arises: If I know what I want, and there is a chance for me to have it, would I be able to live with myself if I did'nt take that chance? I don't think so. Not that I know if there will ever be a chance. But yeah, I would give a lot for that chance.

I guess the weekend was pretty good. The corporate bbq party would have been fun if I was'nt in such a bad mood. I don't know if I managed to act happy. Don't think so. I really tried though. But strangers asked me if I was ok, so I guess I failed.

On saturday we had fun, drinking games and so at home, but then we went out to a party where I felt that I really don't belong in Ireland at all and probably never will. On sunday we had American breakfast and that was great, so many of my friends in the same place. Made me feel... a bit less empty. Sat around in the sofa all day, listening to music, eating candy and icecream and fruit, watching movies (Stardust and Bourne Supremacy), being lazy, which is something I love.

keep your shades on

I just saw Blues Brothers with Johan and Sara. (Aka. Afrika and the Squirrel.) It was so insanely cool! It's a bit unbeliavable that I havent seen it before. Ice cream and music with soul. Very nice. (I want to add that Iv'e listened to the soundtrack a lot though.)

We went out in the rain to return the shoes I bought yesterday, (yes, the "minor" shopping evolved to major shopping) that broke last night. NOT good. The heel broke off. But today was a nice day. They gave me a new couple at the store and did'nt even ask for the receipt or anything, really nice.

Nice, nice, nice. Great midsummers eve-party last night! At Ida and Hannah's, of course. I even managed to get a couple of moscito bites. Strawberries, flowers, lots and lots of swedes, like they had some kind of midsummer party-radar or something. I drank a lot of rum and fell asleep on the couch. Woke up very very confused today, and was taken care of by my lovely hosts. After buying some food we watched MacGyver, and everyone fell asleep. Eventually I made my way home and Skype-talked to mom for more than an hour.

Now it's kinda late saturday evening, and I'm looking through pics from last night and the latest couple of weeks, uploading them to pixbox within a couple of days. Also I'm listening to Alabama 3 like a mad woman. So great!

Time to sleep now.

I aint lyin', no I aint lyin'.

My plans and yours

My plan is this: 8.8.8. A number to remember. The eighth of august two thousand and eight, that is. The day when the party happens. Mine and Ida's party. We turn 48 (or we both turn 24, choose for yourself) and we're having a huge party.

Your plans should be this: be there. And bring presents. I want T-shirthell-t-shirts. And a mocha... thingy. To make espresso in. A big fuckoff machine or just the little pot-kind. (I have no idea where I would put the machine though. My room maybe.)

nothing more than...

Feelings? Words? My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. I worry that I scared Joe LondonBartenderDude off with my latest email. Havn't heard from him in a few days.

The weekend has been a bit insane, insane partying, intense. Friday I was on a mission to become as drunk as humanly possible, and I succeeded! A winner is me. The feelings did'nt go away though.

Saturday I was very hungover, but I managed to make it to the bbq party after all. It was a really sweet party. Live music and wonderful people. Eventually we went out to the Crane Lane, and after that an afterparty at Björn's. With more beer that any human could ever drink. (That's what happens if you give a large amount of money to an insane norwegian guy telling him to get beer. He added some more money and got ten times more beer that anyone would ever want or need.)

I have to admit that I don't regret sharing my thoughts.