Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

Trippin and coughin

So I did bake that thing, I wasn't very pleased with it unfortunately.

I went to Sweden to get the last of my stuff, and I'm happy to have it all in one place even though the stress from traveling and moving killed my immune system and I was sick for about a week after.

By now the complete chaos is subsiding. There's still a few boxes standing around and some things that don't really have a home yet but most stuff is sorted.

My curling iron wasn't there, and a few other things that I thought I'd get back, but there was a lot of stuff that I'd missed and that I'm really happy to be reunited with! And a lot of stuff that I'm giving to welfare.

I've started knitting christmas gifts! And today I went to the doctor for the first time since I moved over. I hope to be able to get a therapist here but it might be tricky and take time. I feel worried and sad about that. Even though we're surrounded by large cities here - Gothenburg is right to the East, North of here is Oslo, and Denmark is small so Copenhagen is just a 40 minute flight away - it feels like we're close to stuff! But we're in North Jylland (jutland?) and there's not much of anything here. (Except students and bars.) Doctors and psychologists are thin on the ground, unfortunately. We're pretty much in the countryside.

---EDIT---

Uhmmmm my curling iron was one of the first things I did unpack. Depression forgetfulness is SO MUCH FUN.

Spoons

Generally around one. Use one spoon for eating breakfast. Rest an hour or so. Use one spoon for unpacking a box. (Unfinished.) Feel lost and confused.

Spending a lot of time in my head. Making myself sad. Should make important calls and pay important bills but my head hurts and my heart too.

ARGH

I have the worst cold. I hate summer colds. I guess I've had too much stress lately, as soon as there's a couple of weeks down time my body just breaks down completely. I'm coughing and sneezing and blowing my nose and feeling sorry for myself. Had a lot of fever but at least that's ended now.

So I'm watching gravity falls and playing a lot of sims 4. Current sims things: basement pools. New update had dishwashers but a bug makes them impossible to put in houses. (Maybe just me doing something wrong. Should probably look into that.)

Current music: Poliça.

Current things I wish was over: all the moving! And my cold.

Moving is going okay I guess but I hate being in transit, waiting for everyday life to start making sense. Soon. Soon-ish.

comfort and chaos

I'm still in moving limbo. It's pretty crappy but Chris makes it bearable. I'm super sensitive and unbalanced, just waiting, in mental transit. In a few weeks I'm getting my furniture and in a couple of months the last of my stuff. It's going to be amazing having (almost) all of my stuff in one place! For the first time in years!

Right now the thing I'm looking most forward to is getting my hand carders. They are in Stockholm right now, since more than two years. Then I'll be able to blend fibers on my own! I miss spinning so much, I've used up all the fibers that I had. Or all the fibers that I can spin on my homemade Turkish spindle. It's super light weight, made from a chopstick and some plastic from a juice bottle. I have some silk and bamboo tops but I want to blend it. And I have some super rough wool roving that I bought at the viking market in June but there's no way I can spin that on my spindle... need a "real" weighted spindle for that, and hopefully the one I own is among the things in Stockholm too. And if it isn't I recently treated myself to a wooden Turkish spindle! Really looking forward to that delivery!

Alright, I don't know if any of my readers know anything about spinning. If you do, there's some photos in my Instagram feed, @monsterkittie.

transitional management

ALRIGHT Y'ALL I just went through and labeled all my seven hundred and fifteen posts with "swedish" or "english". So now it's a bit easier for all my non-swedish-readers to find the posts that are in english.

In other news I'm cutting down my dose of happy pills and the difference is HUGE. I have loads more energy and life feels easier.

Met E this weekend for the first time in four months. It was great but I don't think I can go back to wanting a relationship with him. He is too immature (despite being 34), he's a control freak and he has a need of proving himself which is a huge turnoff. Prefer men who trust themselves and others, who can be silly and funny and relaxed.

We switched rooms this past week. I got T's room, the kids got my room and T got the kids' room. Last night I finally - after a week of cleaning and sorting and fixing - felt like it's getting finished.

the end of an era

Two more days. In 48 hours I'm getting off the plane in London.

Today Maria is flying from Sweden to New York.

I was reading old, unsent emails. It was like looking at a very old picture, or seeing something through water, I remember it of course but it's not real anymore. It's not my life anymore. My life used to be pretty crappy but now it's awesome. It's funny really, how you can feel so bad and so good about the same things, or the same people.

I know I have made the right choice.

heavy happiness

I really want to write something about what it feels like leaving Cork after two years, leaving my job, starting a new life in a city I can hardly remember, leaving my friends, returning to my old friends, but I cant think of any way to express these feelings.

I want to write about the very beautiful necklace Maria gave me, and the beautiful card that almost made me cry, or how strange it feels that not only do I not live with Maria anymore, I'll also be living in a totally different country.

And it feels so good to leave and it feels so strange and life is thrown upside down and am I going to be a stranger in my own home? Or will it feel like coming home?

Home is where the heart is.

Now I'm going to buy a Hotpot at Berries for lunch for the last time, I guess.


Listening to: KROPP - Ordning

to do list

• Whatever the **** I want.

Two more weeks and then I'm on the plane with my mom, headed for Stansted.

There's a lot of stuff going on of course, since I'm moving to a new (old) country. Moving is very expensive. Luckily I found a place where I can send boxes for €50/box. Exiting stuff.

But seriously, there's no real news. I'm crocheting a lot. Tonight I'm having a farewell-beer-thing. I'm a bit tired.

Two weeks. Please fly by quickly.

top 5 signs of stress

So they say that moving is one of the most stressful things you can do. I just moved and I'm moving again in 2 weeks and 3 days. To a new country. A new job. A new life.

So yeah, I'm a bit stressed. I'm happy and stuff, everything is great, but I'm still a bit stressed.

And what is the top 5 signs that Kristina is stressed out? Let me tell you:

1. Bad skin
2. Bad skin
3. Bad skin
4. Unstable appetite
5. Bad skin
   

I've had troubles with my skin since I was like twelve, but the last year or so it's been behaving pretty well. (I actually think it's because of this Boot's cleanser.) But either there's a whole lot of crap in the air in my new house or it's the stress. To make it a bit better I think I lost a couple of kilos though. So I guess that's good. I just hope it will get better when I get to Sweden, with the dryer climate and all.

Listening to: Kaoma - Lambada

serious bizznizz

So! I feel that it's time to tell the world!

I have a new job, I'm moving to Sweden in 18 days. I have an apartment and my flight tickets and everything. I have said it before but this is the official post about it.

I have so much to be happy for right now. My life is really awesome.

And I keep on pressing 4.

ouch

So I did something with my shoulder - while sleeping I guess - and today it hurts so much it almost makes me dizzy. I have no idea what's up with that but if it still hurts tomorrow I'm going to the doctor or something.

Tonight I'm making the best stew ever for myself and Maria, and she promised to help me go through some stuff since I keep everything and I really can't do that. But I did find a place that sends parcels up to 30 kilos for 50 euros. That's pretty good I guess. Gonna have another look around.

The place I'm hopefully moving into has no rooms until thursday, in a week in other words, and I have to be out of the house by monday, so... Hmm. Life is exiting.

My shoulder hurts! Feel sorry for me! If there's any other news I forget it due to PAIN.

Oh yeah I remember! A new favorite web comic, Dovecote Crest!

Listening to: Hedningarna - Gorrlaus

EDIT: This post is dedicated to Hannah, one of the best midgets ever.

a plea (and other stuff)

Oh I have been so active today! I was going to go to the gym but as I was trying to convince myself that I really should do the dishes I realized that however good it is to go to the gym, when you would rather do dishes... well, it's not that important. I don't want to take the joy out of it.

So I went home and did all the dishes, sorted the washing, cleaned up my room lots, finished a painting, started a new one that I've been thinking about for ages and listened to Neil Gaiman reading The Graveyard Book for a couple of hours and I love it. And I ate Peking Duck.

If, or when, I leave Ireland I will miss Eva House. I'll have to come back now and then to eat Peking Duck here.

So yeah that brings me to the other point: I am looking for jobs in Sweden and I'm hoping (um, obviously) to move home. At some point. If I can find a job and place to stay. In Ireland you can find a place to rent in an afternoon and move in the next day. I'll miss that too.

And I'll miss how the hairs on Joe's arms are almost invisible untill the sun shines on them and they light up like fiery copper. It's very pretty.

Anyway if any of you Swedish people who say that youre going to visit me actually do, that would be great, because you could do me a huge favour: (and this is the plea) come over and bring stuff back. I have so much stuff. I won't bring it all home but there's so much that I really don't want to leave. I've had a life here for soon two years. That means a lot of stuff. (Of course the same things work for people in Ireland, if you want to come and visit me in Sweden, but you guys are like... three. So yeah, not getting my hopes up there.)

I'll have to leave my very comfortable desk chair, Moses, that I bought in Belfast. I'll miss that. (I once had a cat named Moses, he was huge and black and he would look at you like you where insanely inferior to him. And a little annoying.)

Listening to: My Playlist on Spotify - Everything from The Aposte of Hustle to Howlin' Wolf, aw yeah.

Blogthings

This is not a filmblog, or a bookblog, or a sportblog. But it seems like people read it anyways. Wich kind of makes me want to write better. And more.

Right now I am not at work, despite the fact that it is half two on a monday. I am off today, wich is great. So I'm at a internet cafe at Barrack, hanging around while my company is reading hockey blogs.

I have moved! To Vicar street! With Sara and Maria and I love it. Yesterday I made mom's lemon and terragon chicken, and it felt very much like home. Not only home, but a home. Mine.

Meanwhile, at "home", in Sweden that is, which is of course "home" although Cork feels more like home after just a couple of months, my new baby sister is born. Since friday I have two sisters instead of one. Which is a miracle and I love them both eternally. (Yes, okay, I love my brothers too.) Of all the people in the world, these are the most inportant to me. All four of them.

My stubborn cold seems to slowly subside, my painfull tooth is still painful but not as bad, and my visitor is making me happy. It has been a very good weekend, even though most of saturday was spent moving. I have new shoes, new jeans, the Alien quadrology and the first season of Monthy Pyton's Flying Circus. (And for all this I spent € 30. Wow like.)

Sweeny Todd was good mostly because of exelent music and the fact that Depp was a much better singer than I would have thought. But Burton will have to be a little more than just Burton to impress. Just doing the same thing with the same actors over and over again does not make me happy, even though I count myself as a Burton fan. I wonder what he will make of Alice. It is a book that I adore, but the film is based on the computer game. Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as Alice, returning to Wonderland many years later. I must admit that I am highly sceptical. Well, I'll have to wait about a year to find out if Burton is still able to surprise me, and if he is good enough to direct Gellar into a mentally challenged Alice.

Another version of the truth

Allright, I've been a bit lousy on updating recently, but not much has happened. Not to me anyways. Ida has been promoted and Hannah is going to move to another department and a friend of Sara's is coming to work with us, we did'nt play football, the week was kindof slow and stressy at the same time, watched some movies... Nothing interesting.

The weekend had some more action though. Me and Sara are looking for a house. Friday was insane, afterwork and rum and not very much food and interesting people. Very interesting. One very interesting person even, but more about that at some other time.

Saturday was Buffynight and the hangover from hell, and sunday has been nice with anime and chilli.

And tomorrow is back to work again.

But I'm moving away from my beloved jacuzzi, my beloved friend mr. Dead Rat who will obviously never be removed from the back yard, beloved leaky ceiling, beloved no heating, beloved builders stealing stuff... Wich feels good.

So yeah. Now for some more anime, then home to the jacuzzi.