good news everyone

It's ten thirty and I'm feeling tired.

Feeling tired is pretty unusual for me and feeling tired before midnight... I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't explain how good it feels to quit my meds. I'm not saying anyone else should but being medicated has not really been helpful for me lately. Since three years or so I've been super depressed and super medicated. I have no idea how this will play out, but this completely unexpected tiredness is nice. I also don't feel scared of going to bed, which I usually do. (Because of the anxiety you know? Lying in bed, in the dark, trying to turn off the chaos inside, trying to ignore the black sticky tentacles around my neck, trying not to think, not to feel...)

I'm pretty sure it should be the other way around, placebo or not. I wonder if Iv'e been nocebo-ing the negative effects of the medication, just as I might now be placebo-ing the positive effects of not being medicated? I still feel a little bit of abstinence dizziness and stuff from the old meds, the new ones probably didn't have time to start working properly. But I've taken so many different pills and I really need to know how I work without them. My life has changed dramatically many times since I started taking them... (checks back in the blog archive) since march 2011 I think? Or was it later? April?

That's not three years. That's four. I might have been saying "three years" without actually counting for almost a year. Huh.

Gods it's depressing to check my blog archive. I was so hopeful. Everything was dark and horrible but I honestly believed that it was passing, waiting for it to pass, believing that every day that was not horrible was the start of getting better. Every time.

I still do. I wonder if this insane, unfounded optimism is the core of my problem?

Det blir inte bättre. Varför blir det inte bättre? Varför mår jag sämre och sämre? Det skulle ju bli bättre? Alla lovade att det skulle bli bättre?

"It doesn't get better. Why isn't it getting better? Why am I feeling worse and worse? It was supposed to get better? Everyone promised that it would get better?" - june 2011

Okay. I started taking anti anxiety meds in july 2011. After months of waiting to even see a doctor. I didn't get any regular contact with any doctor, I didn't get any therapy, I didn't get SHIT until... Today? Maybe? I had my second meeting with my new shrink today and the first one doesn't count so yeah, I crashed in march 2011, got medicated after four months of pure fucking horror and since then there's been a whole lot of pure fucking horror.

I've always been sensitive. I pressed myself beyond my limits back then. I tried to be a good girlfriend and boss and those things are probably - maybe - possible to be but it's hard to be a good girlfriend to someone who hates you and a good boss when your own bosses expect you to do impossible things just because they can't be assed to handle the sales department... It's a long story, feel free to go back in the blog archives to around june 2008, or actually even further, to august 2007. That's when a very strange night ended in broken bones. There was two nights, almost a year apart, that still affect my life. I used to joke about tequila shaping my life but I don't really do that anymore...

If it hadn't been for that broken collar bone, if it hadn't been for not being able to work, if it hadn't been for what I did instead and who I met, if it hadn't been for the job I got and the person who inspired me to leave Sweden, if it hadn't been for Ireland, if it hadn't been for that party at my house in Cork, if it hadn't been for that t-shirt, if it hadn't been for that night and all the insane stuff it lead to later, if it hadn't been for those stolen moments in the elevator at work and all the lies, if it hadn't been for that empty year, if it hadn't been for that unexpected email, if it hadn't been for my hopeless optimism and trusting nature, if it hadn't been for the economic collapse and what it meant to me professionally, if it hadn't been for so many small, separately meaningless details coming together and making my bad decisions seem so right... If it hadn't been for everything going to hell at once! And then just never getting better. Then... I don't know. If one of those things had been a little bit different. Then maybe my life would be too. If he had left the party early. If I had remembered my bike. If...

Iv'e been down this road so many times. Too many times.

Now it's an hour since I started writing this and I'm even more tired. I don't feel bitter. Everything that happened happened. No reason, no fate. It just happened. And now I'm here, back where I started, broke in the south of Sweden. But older and in a really nice apartment where I get to paint a landscape on my wall.

With a lot of important people still in my life. And a lot of new important people also in my life. And I have no idea how I feel or who I am anymore.

Whatever. I'm pretty sure no one has the time or energy to read all of my insanely long rants from the last few weeks and this is definitely one of them. So I'm writing for myself now. I must be going through stuff or whatever. Ugh. Who cares.

I think it's time for bed.

to do list

• Whatever the **** I want.

Two more weeks and then I'm on the plane with my mom, headed for Stansted.

There's a lot of stuff going on of course, since I'm moving to a new (old) country. Moving is very expensive. Luckily I found a place where I can send boxes for €50/box. Exiting stuff.

But seriously, there's no real news. I'm crocheting a lot. Tonight I'm having a farewell-beer-thing. I'm a bit tired.

Two weeks. Please fly by quickly.

forks

There's a fork in the road, up ahead

I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer

The fork used to look different.

None of these roads are yellow, none in a forest.

One road is straight, broad

the other I cannot see but I know it's there

It used to be different. Used to be three roads, one clearly visible, the two others not.

Now, since I seem to have made a choise

I kept to one road, left the other ones behind

everything looks different.

I'm still on the same road but the landscape changed

around me it's spring

ahead I cannot see.

So how can I choose?

I know now that the choise I will make - the choise I have to make

soon

will be

of utmost importance.

How can I know which road to take?

The one less traveled is not really an option

nor am I at the middle of my life's road.

Nor am I in a forest, lost.

I have two roads ahead. One leads on

the other, I cannot see

But wherever I choose to go I have been before

and yet never ever seen.

Both lead to mountains,

both mountains, when the top is reached, give me a splendid view

If I can get there.

There is a fork, ahead.

down

When I think about it it's not really my desiscion to make. If we're both hesistant then maybe it's better not to go there. And besides, even though he knows me really well there are things he does'nt know, and I don't know how he would react to them.

On the other hand that goes for everyone.

Walking home through town, eating a pizza slice from Fast Al's, I start to wonder if I'm ever going to feel at home anywhere. 'Cause even though I love Cork, despite the rain, the filth, the blood on the sidewalk, the girls dressed as chubby prostitutes (I'm really really sorry but they are), even though the city still makes me happy, swallows me up and makes me a part of the slightly insane soup of different people and places and rain, I am a stranger and I don't think that feeling will go away. In Lund people know who I am, I know the city, everything is something I've seen before but never felt like a part of.

Here... I feel like a part of it, I guess, but I'm still a stranger. I don't know these people or their ways. I'm a social tourist, watching from the outside all the time. I don't even really know any Irish people. Eva maybe, and Daithi, who moved to London.

Whatever. The point is-

I really don't know. I heard someone say that no matter how you choose there will always be the knowledge of what you did'nt choose, and you'll never know. So there are no right choices, I think, because you can never know what you don't have, so you really can't compare.

It's times like these I just want to leave everything behind, be swallowed by new places, forget about my life. But I've done that already and the past is still a part of me, even more then before maybe.

I have always felt like a stranger, and maybe I always will.

I really don't know what this post is about. I should'nt write at night.

I can tell you

Like drugs.
The hard part is coming down, right? But I might have to. I wish I could see into the future. Foresee the results of my actions before I acted. But I can't. I try to mentally understand what my choises might lead to but still I'm surprised in the moment of truth. Other people do not react as I expect them to. Unexpected situations arise.

I have never regretted anything. It has been a kind of motto; no regrets. It never helps. But right now I know that I might come to a point where I regret something. That is all that I can see in my future. The posibility to do something that might turn out to be wrong. I'm scared.

On wednesday evening I found out that my grandfather is dead. My mothers father. We had no contact. I don't really know what to feel.

I miss you so much