My eyes are hurting and breathing is difficult cause my nose is stuffy and I'm so so tired... And I'm afraid and confused and I feel like a small peice of dirt sometimes.
But mostly I'm happy and I when I fall asleep at night I think about this one beautiful thing; he loves me.
Listening to: not Spotify as it is not functioning at work anymore. Oh my brain. It is also not very much functioning.
Showing posts with label you. Show all posts
Showing posts with label you. Show all posts
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
Monday, 16 February 2009
Tuesday, 3 February 2009
wintertime
This is pretty insane... The snow is rushing down, like it wants to hide this dirty town and never let it see daylight again. It wont though; the snow falls and falls and falls but it never settles.
Like me.
Maybe every snowflake loves the ground, every one of them, hurling themselves to certain death just to get to be near it in the process.
I wonder if it's worth it... Sometimes I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently. If any action I could have done, or refrained from doing, would have changed anything. I can never see any different outcome than this one. Every crash that made me stronger, every heartbreak that made me grow, feels like nothing now.
I know he wanted to be with me, he used to, I made him happy and I was the one he wanted, and I think that has changed - I'm pretty sure - I want to say I know, I want to know that he doesn't feel that way anymore but I don't believe he would tell me the truth if I asked. I wish he could have told me when it happened, when he stopped being in love with me. It would have been really hard to hear but not as hard as trying to convince myself to stop hoping.
The snow is falling, violently, like it's trying to punish earth, but earth doesn't notice. The snowflakes melt, die without a whisper, like tears gently falling to the ground. Like the softest touch in the world. A million tiny kisses.
I still can't regret anything. But I want to move on.
Listening to: Kings of Leon - Cold Desert
Like me.
Maybe every snowflake loves the ground, every one of them, hurling themselves to certain death just to get to be near it in the process.
I wonder if it's worth it... Sometimes I wonder if there was anything I could have done differently. If any action I could have done, or refrained from doing, would have changed anything. I can never see any different outcome than this one. Every crash that made me stronger, every heartbreak that made me grow, feels like nothing now.
I know he wanted to be with me, he used to, I made him happy and I was the one he wanted, and I think that has changed - I'm pretty sure - I want to say I know, I want to know that he doesn't feel that way anymore but I don't believe he would tell me the truth if I asked. I wish he could have told me when it happened, when he stopped being in love with me. It would have been really hard to hear but not as hard as trying to convince myself to stop hoping.
The snow is falling, violently, like it's trying to punish earth, but earth doesn't notice. The snowflakes melt, die without a whisper, like tears gently falling to the ground. Like the softest touch in the world. A million tiny kisses.
I still can't regret anything. But I want to move on.
Listening to: Kings of Leon - Cold Desert
Tuesday, 27 January 2009
typical
Just because yesterday was such a good day... I had a lot to do, a lot to keep my mind busy, to keep me occupied, to keep my mind off... stuff...
Of course I had to dream about him. We where searching for each other in a big forest. Mobile phones made it easier. And we found each other, and it was like it always is when we reunite in my dreams. Great. Then I woke up, and it felt shitty, and the rest of the day felt mostly shitty as well.
I used to dream about him all the time. We used to joke about it. We used to joke about most things.
It does'nt matter anymore. We will never be together and I'm trying to accept that.
Whatever... Tonight was pretty good, me, Ida and Maria had Swedish Meatballs with potatoes, sauce and lingonsylt. Kickass.
Also my darling, my Mr. Pink, my dear harddrive, is not feeling well. It's frustrating and takes a lot of my time.
Listening to: Tobbe "Sjökexet" Carlsson's mashup remixes, like Kaah vs. Timbaland - The Way Dom Tittar.
Sunday, 11 January 2009
get out
You said you didn't want to become a memory. But I think it's time.
I found someone else but it didn't work. This time there's no one else, only my own self-preservation. If I don't get over you I'll loose my fucking mind.
So I'll try to hold on to this anger. I'll try to hold on to my pride. It's time.
Saturday, 13 December 2008
sunshine and coffee
Just woke up after thirteen hours of sleep. Thirteen well needed hours. And some strange dreams, bordering on nightmares. Now I'm listening to jazz, drinking coffee, and trying to figure some things out. I have tried for some time now but I'm getting nowhere, basically because I'm not very good at controlling my emotions.
Well. I think I wont get out of this labyrinth for a while.
Now I'm going to watch Heroes (maybe the series with the most good looking guys in it ever) and then do some cleaning up, and then the christmas shopping of doom. And maybe I'll pop by Viola's with Mr. Pink.
Listening to: Mood Indigo - Nina Simone (From a compilation of 24 versions of the same song. Her version is probably the best. Ella Fitzgerald does a good one, but Nina has more go.)
Wednesday, 26 November 2008
stand tall
So I reach my limit and I break down and I'm lost in darkness and I loose all hope and I fight through it and go insane and start laughing at the pain and shake it off and go back to normal.
Normal in ths situation being shutting up about how I feel until I reach my limit and it repeats.
I can't really talk about it. I am surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about but I don't tell them anything and I feel kinda bad shutting them out but I don't have a choice.
But I'm cool. I hold it together. I have a stable ground of happiness to build myself on.
It's strange, to be happy and still hurt so much.
And I'm sorry but it does really hurt. Of course it hurts. I can't think of anything but you.
Today work was kinda slow. I got a really nice email saying that my support was great and stuff. I was a bit insane and funny and it's really easy to be happy in my workplace. It's so nice to have Ida and Hannah back. And me and Maria ate taco fries for dinner, and gingerbread (peppercookie!) dough for dessert while watching Buffy and Angel. I'm almost done knitting a baby hat for Carolines baby again since the first one I did was to small. After that I'm going to finish three christmas presents, and then I'll have to take it easy with the knitting for a while if I want to finish all the christmas cards and stuff...
And I'm dreaming about going to America, or getting lazer eye surgery. But I get my new glasses on friday and they are so gorgeous that I might want to keep my bad eye sight. So I'll probably just keep paying debts untill they're payed.
Tomorrow I'm making gingerbread dough, not the kind I ate today, which is prefab, but the real real kind, that's tricky to make without a machine. But I'll give it my best. And hopefully I'll make it. And maybe have a beer with Ida later. On friday, exept for getting my glasses, we have a team dinner, which will probably be awesome, as they tend to be.
There. Back to normal.
Listening to: Tracy Chapman - Collection
Normal in ths situation being shutting up about how I feel until I reach my limit and it repeats.
I can't really talk about it. I am surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about but I don't tell them anything and I feel kinda bad shutting them out but I don't have a choice.
But I'm cool. I hold it together. I have a stable ground of happiness to build myself on.
It's strange, to be happy and still hurt so much.
And I'm sorry but it does really hurt. Of course it hurts. I can't think of anything but you.
Today work was kinda slow. I got a really nice email saying that my support was great and stuff. I was a bit insane and funny and it's really easy to be happy in my workplace. It's so nice to have Ida and Hannah back. And me and Maria ate taco fries for dinner, and gingerbread (peppercookie!) dough for dessert while watching Buffy and Angel. I'm almost done knitting a baby hat for Carolines baby again since the first one I did was to small. After that I'm going to finish three christmas presents, and then I'll have to take it easy with the knitting for a while if I want to finish all the christmas cards and stuff...
And I'm dreaming about going to America, or getting lazer eye surgery. But I get my new glasses on friday and they are so gorgeous that I might want to keep my bad eye sight. So I'll probably just keep paying debts untill they're payed.
Tomorrow I'm making gingerbread dough, not the kind I ate today, which is prefab, but the real real kind, that's tricky to make without a machine. But I'll give it my best. And hopefully I'll make it. And maybe have a beer with Ida later. On friday, exept for getting my glasses, we have a team dinner, which will probably be awesome, as they tend to be.
There. Back to normal.
Listening to: Tracy Chapman - Collection
Sunday, 16 November 2008
remember
"You will forget me. Everyone forgets about me."
And yet there is nothing else that haunts my mind like you. Every day, every hour, every heartbeat you are in my mind, in my heart. Time passes and life changes but that does not change.
And yet there is nothing else that haunts my mind like you. Every day, every hour, every heartbeat you are in my mind, in my heart. Time passes and life changes but that does not change.
Tuesday, 11 November 2008
garlic and friendship
An interesting fact about this blog is that when someone leaves a comment you get to choose if you want to publish it or not. But it does'nt say what post was commented. I usually don't really care since it's almost only my parents who comment, but today I got a comment from a reader I don't actually know, which is always fun, especially since it's happened like... twice before. So now I just spent about half an hour trying to figure out which post was commented! I backtracked about a year and found nothing! Mysterious! It was in english and I have only been writing in english for about a year so It's weird. The comment was "Well written article!" which does'nt really give me a clue.
Well, I admit, that was not actually very interesting.
Anyhow, more interesting is what we had for dinner today! Wonderful, beautiful lamb! Superb! So I felt it was time for some recipe sharing!
Lamb chops
potatoes
red wine
garlic
fresh rosemary
haloumi
salt and pepper
Slice the potatoes, put in a pan with oil, a bit of wine, salt, pepper and rosemary and put in the oven for 10-20 minutes (depending on size) on 200 degrees celsius.
Take the pan out and put in pressed garlic and a couple of whole garlic bits, more wine, lamb, lots of rosemary, some more oil, more salt and pepper, some other spices if you feel like it; a bit of chilli maybe, soy sauce, some Worchestershire sauce. Put it back in the oven for another 10 minutes.
Take out and put on quite thin slices of haloumi. Put back in for 5 more minutes.
Finished!
Now if you feel like it change the times, they are not very exact, and it's really a question of taste and sizes of the ingredients. And you might want to make gravy out of the "sauce" but it's really nice just as it is.
Well. Today I finished knitting two itsy bitsy baby hats, I'll post photos when I remember to, and I bought new knitting needles (the kind with a "cord" between them) and a book with patterns! And some really really beautiful yarn... The same kind as I have in my hat but in other colours. I have a plan of making an oversized turtleneck-ish scarf kind of thing. Can't really explain it but yeah, you know, photos when I remember to take them.
Tomorrow I'm finally making lasagna, me and Maria have been talking about it for ages, and Maria's baking this weeks friday cake. On thursday we have a junta-meeting at Tribes!
And so life goes on...
It's pretty strange, how it's so easy to beleive that friendship is like bone, or like a thick rope, you just know that whatever happens this particular person means so much to you that shit just can't come between you. And then there's misunderstandings and minor fights and frustrations and all of a sudden you realize - he is actually avoiding me. And there's not so much to do. You realize that friendship is like spiderwebs. Complicated, beautiful and easy to break.
Somehow I don't think this is the end of it though. It feels more like we might need some space, and it's probably going to be okay in a while. At least I really really hope so. But to be honest I think the space is good for the both of us. As long as it's not permanent.
In the meantime... so foolish. So foolish of me to think that I could actually "get over" you. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, climb in through my window, kiss me when I don't expect it. You are all I want.
Listening to: The Be Good Tanyas (new favourites yes) - all of their albums, on shuffle. Oh your god it's good! It's like... Well, like David Eugene Edwards if he was a number of women and not religous, maybe. Like 16 Horspower with a bit of Leonard Cohen and some more folk influences and beautiful lyrics and banjos! (I love banjos.) And, like creamy silky souly and very emotional, longing perfume for my ears these beautiful voices. Sometimes in southern dialects even though theyr'e Canadian.
Well, I admit, that was not actually very interesting.
Anyhow, more interesting is what we had for dinner today! Wonderful, beautiful lamb! Superb! So I felt it was time for some recipe sharing!
Lamb chops
potatoes
red wine
garlic
fresh rosemary
haloumi
salt and pepper
Slice the potatoes, put in a pan with oil, a bit of wine, salt, pepper and rosemary and put in the oven for 10-20 minutes (depending on size) on 200 degrees celsius.
Take the pan out and put in pressed garlic and a couple of whole garlic bits, more wine, lamb, lots of rosemary, some more oil, more salt and pepper, some other spices if you feel like it; a bit of chilli maybe, soy sauce, some Worchestershire sauce. Put it back in the oven for another 10 minutes.
Take out and put on quite thin slices of haloumi. Put back in for 5 more minutes.
Finished!
Now if you feel like it change the times, they are not very exact, and it's really a question of taste and sizes of the ingredients. And you might want to make gravy out of the "sauce" but it's really nice just as it is.
Well. Today I finished knitting two itsy bitsy baby hats, I'll post photos when I remember to, and I bought new knitting needles (the kind with a "cord" between them) and a book with patterns! And some really really beautiful yarn... The same kind as I have in my hat but in other colours. I have a plan of making an oversized turtleneck-ish scarf kind of thing. Can't really explain it but yeah, you know, photos when I remember to take them.
Tomorrow I'm finally making lasagna, me and Maria have been talking about it for ages, and Maria's baking this weeks friday cake. On thursday we have a junta-meeting at Tribes!
And so life goes on...
It's pretty strange, how it's so easy to beleive that friendship is like bone, or like a thick rope, you just know that whatever happens this particular person means so much to you that shit just can't come between you. And then there's misunderstandings and minor fights and frustrations and all of a sudden you realize - he is actually avoiding me. And there's not so much to do. You realize that friendship is like spiderwebs. Complicated, beautiful and easy to break.
Somehow I don't think this is the end of it though. It feels more like we might need some space, and it's probably going to be okay in a while. At least I really really hope so. But to be honest I think the space is good for the both of us. As long as it's not permanent.
In the meantime... so foolish. So foolish of me to think that I could actually "get over" you. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, climb in through my window, kiss me when I don't expect it. You are all I want.
Listening to: The Be Good Tanyas (new favourites yes) - all of their albums, on shuffle. Oh your god it's good! It's like... Well, like David Eugene Edwards if he was a number of women and not religous, maybe. Like 16 Horspower with a bit of Leonard Cohen and some more folk influences and beautiful lyrics and banjos! (I love banjos.) And, like creamy silky souly and very emotional, longing perfume for my ears these beautiful voices. Sometimes in southern dialects even though theyr'e Canadian.
Tuesday, 4 November 2008
earth beneath the clouds
It's strange. I have mood swings. Most of the time I'm really happy (happy happy, not just generally in some kind of pleasant mood but actually smiling and having fun-happy) but then all of a sudden, when I start to get a bit tired at night, it hits me, just for a while.
I have lot's of energy and creativity, really a lot. I feel good, strong, calm.
And then it hits me.
Today me, Sandra and Viola had a junta-meeting at my place, making clay figures (insects and animals) and autumn decorations and stuff. It was really fun.
Now I should take a shower but I honestly think I might wait til' the morning because I'm so very tired.
We don't want to be memories, we don't want to be dreams. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, tell me secrets, make me a part of you.
Listening to: Lilium - Short stories
I have lot's of energy and creativity, really a lot. I feel good, strong, calm.
And then it hits me.
Today me, Sandra and Viola had a junta-meeting at my place, making clay figures (insects and animals) and autumn decorations and stuff. It was really fun.
Now I should take a shower but I honestly think I might wait til' the morning because I'm so very tired.
We don't want to be memories, we don't want to be dreams. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, tell me secrets, make me a part of you.
Listening to: Lilium - Short stories
Sunday, 2 November 2008
some assembly needed
I LOVE ALL MY NEW STUFF!
Me and Maria just assembled the lamp Årstid and I'm drinking coffee from the mug/bowl Ljuvlig. But most of all there's a man in my life now. The only one I need. He's strong and stable and he can help me carry thay weight; he is a working class hero and a peice of Swedish culture; he is versatile and good looking: Ivar.
Ivar is the man for me. And well, Moses is pretty nice to.
Also I left my sence of practicality behind and went straight for pretty; I bought a few frames and some really nice black and white photo prints that will keep Jimmy D company on the wall above my bed.
There was christmas things purchased, a shelf for the kitchen, I went all in on the storage system Bygel for my room, and also bought the desk organizer Mackis. Of course we also bought a lot of Swedish food, I almost died of happiness when I found sill! (Herring, that is.) We had wonderful meatballs with potatoes and cream sauce and lingonberryjam for lunch.
Well. All of our adventures are extremely exiting to read about, I know, but if you want to know about the ten hours we spent in the car and how the hell we managed to get all the stuff - and ourselfes - in there for the journey back, you'll just have to ask.
We left home at five in the morning and came back around eleven at night. I went right to Björns party, wich was really nice, I had a beer and hung around for a while, everyone absoultely loved my new chain-scarf, it was relaxed and nice and people where quite drunk and then I went home to go to bed but of course I had to stay up and play with my new things for a while.
Today is obviously assembly day, I'm going to do some cleaning and there's probably a junta-meeting tonight. And back to work tomorrow.
I think about you a lot, all the time almost, but I'm not sad now.
Listening to: Dr. John aka The Night Tripper - Gris-gris (the album)
Me and Maria just assembled the lamp Årstid and I'm drinking coffee from the mug/bowl Ljuvlig. But most of all there's a man in my life now. The only one I need. He's strong and stable and he can help me carry thay weight; he is a working class hero and a peice of Swedish culture; he is versatile and good looking: Ivar.
Ivar is the man for me. And well, Moses is pretty nice to.
Also I left my sence of practicality behind and went straight for pretty; I bought a few frames and some really nice black and white photo prints that will keep Jimmy D company on the wall above my bed.
There was christmas things purchased, a shelf for the kitchen, I went all in on the storage system Bygel for my room, and also bought the desk organizer Mackis. Of course we also bought a lot of Swedish food, I almost died of happiness when I found sill! (Herring, that is.) We had wonderful meatballs with potatoes and cream sauce and lingonberryjam for lunch.
Well. All of our adventures are extremely exiting to read about, I know, but if you want to know about the ten hours we spent in the car and how the hell we managed to get all the stuff - and ourselfes - in there for the journey back, you'll just have to ask.
We left home at five in the morning and came back around eleven at night. I went right to Björns party, wich was really nice, I had a beer and hung around for a while, everyone absoultely loved my new chain-scarf, it was relaxed and nice and people where quite drunk and then I went home to go to bed but of course I had to stay up and play with my new things for a while.
Today is obviously assembly day, I'm going to do some cleaning and there's probably a junta-meeting tonight. And back to work tomorrow.
I think about you a lot, all the time almost, but I'm not sad now.
Listening to: Dr. John aka The Night Tripper - Gris-gris (the album)
Thursday, 30 October 2008
silence
Silence all around me.
Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.
The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.
I don't want this emotional blackmail.
Everything I say is true.
We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.
After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.
Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.
On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.
Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.
Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.
Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.
Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.
Everytime I think I might be close to release I loose grip. It always takes me a couple of days to regain focus, to get back on track. But I make it after a while, even though it's hard.
The problem is I just can't stop hoping, but still I can't let go. It's destroying me. I don't want this. I want my life to be about me. I want peace of mind. I want something else.
I don't want this emotional blackmail.
Everything I say is true.
We got paid today. I actually have a budget, or I've started making a budget and I'll finish it as well! I will. Today I bought some stuff but everything I buy for creative reasons feels okay. I got some stuff for making autumn decorations for the house and some acrylic paint for the clay figures I'm making and yarn for finishing my scarf and some other stuff. I have so much inspiration! I don't know where it all comes from! Amazing.
After this little shopping orgy at Vibes and Scribes me, Maria and Viola had fika at Tribes. (Vibes, scribes, tribes. The best thing rhyme.) The fika was tea and hot chocolate and needlepoint and knitting and wonderful Philly steak and cheese sandwiches with curly fries.
Tomorrow is halloween. Today we put up a million billion halloween thingys and tomorrow we're all going to dress up for work. I'm going to do makeup on everyone. Or everyone that wants makeup, that is.
On saturday it's IKEA all day long. We're leaving at five in the morning and driving for four or five hours to Belfast. In the evening Viola and Björn might throw a party. I guess the word has spread enough for people to show up at their house, wether they actually are throwing a party or not. There's a chance I might be a bit tired though. We'll see.
Next weekend we (or maybe mostly I) will be hosting a small dinner thing.
Apart from that I'm mostly planning for christmas. We're going to have a tree and my mom and dinner and stuff. Great stuff! It's going to be awesome.
Now I'm gonna take a bath. A bubbly bath. Let go of all of my thoughts.
Listening to: Cocteau Twins, the complete discography on shuffle. So damn good. Like perfume for my ears. Favourites right now are "Ivo" and "Hitherto".
Reading: Darkly Dreaming Dexter by Jeff Lindsay. Totally different from the TV-series.
Monday, 27 October 2008
between the past and the future
Looking back and looking ahead.
There are things I want to feel. I want to be close, feel the touch of skin. I want to know.
I think I might be ready to start letting go though.
I think about that time. That first time, in the dark, that last time. (That other time, all those other times.)
Things are what they are, whatever I want or do. Sometimes I can't do anything about that. Right now I think I might be ready to start accepting reality. My not so firm grip on reality might be getting better. Who knows. Baby steps.
A physiotherapist has told me to stop running. My hips are to screwed up.
I kinda feel... not so lost, right now.
I'm at Emilias. It is a good place to be.
There are things I want to feel. I want to be close, feel the touch of skin. I want to know.
I think I might be ready to start letting go though.
I think about that time. That first time, in the dark, that last time. (That other time, all those other times.)
Things are what they are, whatever I want or do. Sometimes I can't do anything about that. Right now I think I might be ready to start accepting reality. My not so firm grip on reality might be getting better. Who knows. Baby steps.
A physiotherapist has told me to stop running. My hips are to screwed up.
I kinda feel... not so lost, right now.
I'm at Emilias. It is a good place to be.
Friday, 24 October 2008
cuts like a knife
It's been a good day. This day. I thought it would be pretty rough and possibly dramatic, but it was good.
So why does my heart feel so bad?
How can the pain not get any less painful? How come, everytime it resurfaces, it hurts so much?
You make everything else go away.
I'll write about all the other surprises of the day later.
So why does my heart feel so bad?
How can the pain not get any less painful? How come, everytime it resurfaces, it hurts so much?
You make everything else go away.
I'll write about all the other surprises of the day later.
Tuesday, 21 October 2008
life goes on
They're painting the hallways in a disgusting fleshy dark beige colour. And some sort of pale sickly pink. It clashes. A lot.
I asked Olof to buy me shampoo the other day, and he did. He bought one litre of electric blue shampoo for 69 cents. It smells like Sprite and feels like slime. It has the same effect on my hair as dish washing liquid.
"I refuse to turn into a memory."
I did not choose this.
I asked Olof to buy me shampoo the other day, and he did. He bought one litre of electric blue shampoo for 69 cents. It smells like Sprite and feels like slime. It has the same effect on my hair as dish washing liquid.
"I refuse to turn into a memory."
I did not choose this.
bound
I am not free, and I don't know if I want to be free.
I try sometimes not to think about it. It doesn't really help, 'cause I still think about it, only it feels worse when I don't think about it by choice. On the other hand, when I do think about it because I actually think about it it feels... Stupid.
Well. I don't know. This does'nt really make sence I guess.
Only... I go back. I look back. And I remember how it used to be. And it's not like that anymore, and I miss it, and I miss you.
I try sometimes not to think about it. It doesn't really help, 'cause I still think about it, only it feels worse when I don't think about it by choice. On the other hand, when I do think about it because I actually think about it it feels... Stupid.
Well. I don't know. This does'nt really make sence I guess.
Only... I go back. I look back. And I remember how it used to be. And it's not like that anymore, and I miss it, and I miss you.
Sunday, 19 October 2008
down
When I think about it it's not really my desiscion to make. If we're both hesistant then maybe it's better not to go there. And besides, even though he knows me really well there are things he does'nt know, and I don't know how he would react to them.
On the other hand that goes for everyone.
Walking home through town, eating a pizza slice from Fast Al's, I start to wonder if I'm ever going to feel at home anywhere. 'Cause even though I love Cork, despite the rain, the filth, the blood on the sidewalk, the girls dressed as chubby prostitutes (I'm really really sorry but they are), even though the city still makes me happy, swallows me up and makes me a part of the slightly insane soup of different people and places and rain, I am a stranger and I don't think that feeling will go away. In Lund people know who I am, I know the city, everything is something I've seen before but never felt like a part of.
Here... I feel like a part of it, I guess, but I'm still a stranger. I don't know these people or their ways. I'm a social tourist, watching from the outside all the time. I don't even really know any Irish people. Eva maybe, and Daithi, who moved to London.
Whatever. The point is-
I really don't know. I heard someone say that no matter how you choose there will always be the knowledge of what you did'nt choose, and you'll never know. So there are no right choices, I think, because you can never know what you don't have, so you really can't compare.
It's times like these I just want to leave everything behind, be swallowed by new places, forget about my life. But I've done that already and the past is still a part of me, even more then before maybe.
I have always felt like a stranger, and maybe I always will.
I really don't know what this post is about. I should'nt write at night.
On the other hand that goes for everyone.
Walking home through town, eating a pizza slice from Fast Al's, I start to wonder if I'm ever going to feel at home anywhere. 'Cause even though I love Cork, despite the rain, the filth, the blood on the sidewalk, the girls dressed as chubby prostitutes (I'm really really sorry but they are), even though the city still makes me happy, swallows me up and makes me a part of the slightly insane soup of different people and places and rain, I am a stranger and I don't think that feeling will go away. In Lund people know who I am, I know the city, everything is something I've seen before but never felt like a part of.
Here... I feel like a part of it, I guess, but I'm still a stranger. I don't know these people or their ways. I'm a social tourist, watching from the outside all the time. I don't even really know any Irish people. Eva maybe, and Daithi, who moved to London.
Whatever. The point is-
I really don't know. I heard someone say that no matter how you choose there will always be the knowledge of what you did'nt choose, and you'll never know. So there are no right choices, I think, because you can never know what you don't have, so you really can't compare.
It's times like these I just want to leave everything behind, be swallowed by new places, forget about my life. But I've done that already and the past is still a part of me, even more then before maybe.
I have always felt like a stranger, and maybe I always will.
I really don't know what this post is about. I should'nt write at night.
Friday, 3 October 2008
morning magic
Walking to work this week has been so beautiful. Every time we pass over the bridge over River Lee the sun is just rising and everything is insanely yellow.
I have a new jacket and I hope my bag arrives today. Martin said he put in a surprise for me. I am extremely curious.
I am in a good mood. Despite the fact that it still feels like a part of my life is just... void. You used to be a part of my life. Now you are just... a memory.
Whatever.
I have a new jacket and I hope my bag arrives today. Martin said he put in a surprise for me. I am extremely curious.
I am in a good mood. Despite the fact that it still feels like a part of my life is just... void. You used to be a part of my life. Now you are just... a memory.
Whatever.
Wednesday, 1 October 2008
ghosts
Second floor.
So I'm back and getting settled in the me I am here. People are really happy that I'm back and they smile at me and say nice things and I was picked up at the airport and today they've started forgetting I was ever gone. Things are very different but also the same, of course. There's two new Swedish girls (and a couple of Danish boys and a Swedish guy) and they are supernice. It feels so wierd though. Everything, still.
Things have really changed, I have really changed. Maybe not during the vacation but well... A combination of moving here and going back again.
No regrets.
You are always there. All the time. Haunting me. I was wishing and hoping but now I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just talk to you sometimes. I don't know if I can stop hoping but it hurts to much to wish. I try not to think of you. It's hard.
I feel good though.
So I'm back and getting settled in the me I am here. People are really happy that I'm back and they smile at me and say nice things and I was picked up at the airport and today they've started forgetting I was ever gone. Things are very different but also the same, of course. There's two new Swedish girls (and a couple of Danish boys and a Swedish guy) and they are supernice. It feels so wierd though. Everything, still.
Things have really changed, I have really changed. Maybe not during the vacation but well... A combination of moving here and going back again.
No regrets.
You are always there. All the time. Haunting me. I was wishing and hoping but now I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just talk to you sometimes. I don't know if I can stop hoping but it hurts to much to wish. I try not to think of you. It's hard.
I feel good though.
Friday, 12 September 2008
songs
Working a whole lot. No time to think or feel. Good.
But then all of a sudden there's some song. The songs take me back to a time that I can never return to. Back to different moments, everything else dissapears.
Sometimes I wish I could have what I want, or want what I can have. But I can't stop hoping, really.
There's a lot of work but now it's friday night and I'm gonna go home to Maia to drink some red wine and watch a movie or something.
But then all of a sudden there's some song. The songs take me back to a time that I can never return to. Back to different moments, everything else dissapears.
Sometimes I wish I could have what I want, or want what I can have. But I can't stop hoping, really.
There's a lot of work but now it's friday night and I'm gonna go home to Maia to drink some red wine and watch a movie or something.
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