happy times

I must say that most of my days are spent in a happy mood. I've said it before, yes, but really now - I would never dream of trading happyness for less sadness. I love living in Cork, I love the people I live and work and hang out with, I have a great time at work and outside work and I have an income and I have more inspiration than I can use.

All that's missing, really, is julmust.

Listening to: Hedningarna - Vispolska

earth beneath the clouds

It's strange. I have mood swings. Most of the time I'm really happy (happy happy, not just generally in some kind of pleasant mood but actually smiling and having fun-happy) but then all of a sudden, when I start to get a bit tired at night, it hits me, just for a while.

I have lot's of energy and creativity, really a lot. I feel good, strong, calm.

And then it hits me.

Today me, Sandra and Viola had a junta-meeting at my place, making clay figures (insects and animals) and autumn decorations and stuff. It was really fun.

Now I should take a shower but I honestly think I might wait til' the morning because I'm so very tired.

We don't want to be memories, we don't want to be dreams. Play me soft songs in the middle of the night, tell me secrets, make me a part of you.

Listening to: Lilium - Short stories

sugar rush

So yeah, my week of happiness did not end in a crash, like I had prepared for, but more in a general... sinking feeling. Complete with the feeling of I can't breathe oh god and that kind of thing.

A question arises: If I know what I want, and there is a chance for me to have it, would I be able to live with myself if I did'nt take that chance? I don't think so. Not that I know if there will ever be a chance. But yeah, I would give a lot for that chance.

I guess the weekend was pretty good. The corporate bbq party would have been fun if I was'nt in such a bad mood. I don't know if I managed to act happy. Don't think so. I really tried though. But strangers asked me if I was ok, so I guess I failed.

On saturday we had fun, drinking games and so at home, but then we went out to a party where I felt that I really don't belong in Ireland at all and probably never will. On sunday we had American breakfast and that was great, so many of my friends in the same place. Made me feel... a bit less empty. Sat around in the sofa all day, listening to music, eating candy and icecream and fruit, watching movies (Stardust and Bourne Supremacy), being lazy, which is something I love.

This is the winter of our discount tent

Interesting how people can't understand that you can be happy but still kinda sensitive. Slings and arrows and shit. Generally I'm stable but it's not so much fun when people say genuinely mean things to you (although I don't take it very personally) or ignore you or anything like that.

This support I'm working in is very supportive. On friday I was a bit down, and everyone just got it within an hour and they gave me hugs. I liked it here before, but I have never felt that I am a part of a team this tight. So the latest couple of weeks have been great. The latest couple of days on the other hand have been... weird. It seems like I'm a part of something that I don't even know or understand. I sincerely hope that it passes soon.