Saturday 23 May 2015

That thing that happens

If I have a lot of things planned. Like three. I freeze. I sit on my bed thinking "I'm going to get dressed and sort my laundry and brush my hair" "I'm going to the laundry room and the market and the shop".

But it overpowers me. Everthing. I can't get dressed. I sit in my bed, around me is some clothes. Stuff to put on and wear. But I can't really. I can't combine them. I can't stand up and start.

I had breakfast and that's good. It's a start. So why can't I just get started for real?

I get annoyed with myself and it makes me even more inactive.

Eventually I manage to trick myself into a small movement, I stand up to reach something or so, and I take the chance to quickly put on a dress.

It happens a few times that I forget to keep moving forward and sit and stare, and I have to deal with it all over again.

Thursday 21 May 2015


Been really tired and stuff the last few days because of my inflamed damn jaw. Crying myself to sleep from the pain and waking up to take pain killers a few times every night. But now it's like it's letting go! Wonderful!

Unfortunately this seems to mean that I now can't sleep because I'm suddenly filled with energy. It's two in the morning.

That's six hours of sleep. That should be okay.

I just hope that I don't wake up in two hours with intense pain, or oversleep and miss my therapist appointment. Ugh.

I want to sleep but I can't even relax! Whyyyyy

Wednesday 20 May 2015

Everything breaks

It's how the world works. Constant changes. Life is destruction and construction in an endless circle. But unfortunately in my case I can't afford new stuff. Like a new computer because mine is getting really slow, a new hard dtive because my old ones where stolen and the new one is getting really slow, nee glasses because I hate these, a new smartphone without tape all over the screen, a new jaw since mine is super inflamed and I look like the godfather. Or at least a dentist appointment. Hopefully social services/welfare/whatever will pay for the emergency visit to the dentist tomorrow.

Until then hearthstone is free and I appreciate that.

Friday 8 May 2015

A little miracle

Today I have been in a pretty good mood all day. This is highly unusual. I have good days, definitely, but they're usually not good all the time? A normal good day I still have a couple of breakdowns and need a couple of naps to make it through.

And good days usually have reasons. Today was just nice for no reason. My hips hurt like crazy but apart from that stuff was... well, good. I'm in bed and it's late (and I got up EARLY! Around eight!) and I'm still feeling perfectly okay.

I did several different things today! I even spent some money on myself without even feeling bad about it, in fact I even felt kinda... good about it! It was a small amount and on crap (as usual, I'm a total crap hoarder) but I felt like it was okay. I can be kind to myself just because. I can treat myself to some semi useless things. I tidied my room a bit and painted my nails and watched buffy with Alexandra and I feel so weird! It's a little bit like emptiness but not negative, I guess I'm just not sad? I'm so unused to feeling not-sad that it's almost hard to handle.

I don't remember when I had a day like this the last time. (Mind you that don't mean much. I have crappy memory. I might have had a lot of days like this and just forgotten about them... but probably not.)

Gonna try to sleep now. Preparing for a bad mental backlash tomorrow.

Wednesday 6 May 2015


I don't have the energy to do anything. I've sorted the laundry and cleaned some makeup brushes and eaten noodles and now I am completely out of energy. I feel lonely and sad and I don't know what to do. I'm hungry but I don't want to deal with deciding what to eat, getting dressed, going to the shop, buying food, cook food, do dishes, socialize with roomies and trying to act like a human.

Maybe I'll get a pizza.

I kinda feel like I should do something. But it's like I'm buried under a ton of rocks. I don't know what it is that I should be doing and thinking about it is difficult and taxing (?).

I wish I could just fast forward until Sunday. I hate feeling like this.


My head is hurring. And my stomach.

I keep thinking about the stuff we talked about and I feel like... What's wrong with me? Seriously? Am I really this fucking stupid? Or do I want to hurt him? Is it a subconscious thing where I try to push him away because he's too amazing? Someone so kind and loving and beautiful will surely get sick of me SO WHY NOT FORCE THAT

The bad guy

I'm a fucking idiot. I hurt the one I love for no reason. I have his heart and I say things and do things that hurt him.

I'm so scared of losing him, I'm so scared of being this person that others don't like.
I'm tired and hungry and everything is fucking horrible.

I saw my shrink today. My head is chaos. Everthing sucks. I feel so lonely. I'm so tired of my life.