doggo

I'm sitting in our office, drinking juice. The dog is asleep in the bedroom, we went on a long walk earlier and he's still pretty pooped. It was nice getting out in the sunshine. I've been cooped up for a while, playing video games and talking to friends online and generally clinging to the main social exchange I have. And feeling bad about wasting time while still having to admit that social connections are important and probably good for my mental health. It's a quite strange combo.

It's been an unusually long time since my last post. Getting a dog turned out to be one of the most difficult things I've ever done and it sparked a period of depression that was worse than it's been in quite long.

But it's slowly stabilising again. I lost a beloved family member and that made it pretty much worse again, but by now I'm starting to feel like a human again.

I'm trying to create good habits and routines but that shit is so hard. Even if I write strict schedules for myself I keep forgetting or losing track of them.



Listening to: Blank Maps by Cold Specs

Emotional overload

I should be happy, because my life is amazing. But the excitement and happiness is so overwhelming that I just have intense physical anxiety. All the time. And a whole lot mental too.

Yay.

Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

Nine years and eleven months

Since I started writing on this blog! In one month (approximately) the blog will be 10 years old. That means I was 22 when I started writing it. A lot has happened since then.

Right now I'm sitting in the floor in my craft room. I'm drinking tea. It's cold. I'm talking to a good friend on messenger. About narcissists. Last night I read this article and so much fell into place. Everything I went through at school in Leksand about four years ago suddenly made sense. It was like reading a checklist, or like someone had been watching exactly everything that happened. I was the perfect victim for a narcissist. I was so easy to manipulate. To befriend, to turn against. To turn everyone else against. I wish people weren't so willing to turn against me.

But it answered the question that has been on my mind almost constantly since then: why?

Why did this happen? What did I do?

I'll always be grateful for the people who didn't eat up every lie she spread like it was some kind of divine truth. The people who had my back, who helped and supported me. And most of all to the few that are still my friends. Those people show me that I'm actually okay, I'm not some kind of monster. Because if I was, I would not get to have the coolest, most amazing, kindest, most thoughtful, talented friends.

I can't say losing people who listen to rumors and accept lies is a huge loss.

Boiling brain

It's worse than the usual "full of bees". It's storming in there, I can't sit still, intense, panicky anxiety and stress takes over body and mind.

Chachachachaaaanges

Changes are so stressful! I've had a ... not good, but not very bad summer. I've felt lonely and isolated. I've missed Sweden. I've dealt with psychiatrists that did not give a flying flunk about me, my feelings, my experiences and my thoughts. I've mostly been indoors. But I've been with my darling. I've been in love. I've been carefully dreaming a little about the future instead of only trying to shut all thoughts up. I've been feeling hopefull. Now fall is here and it brings storms of change, good change but still stressful because it's change.

It's difficult when you have a lot to do and remember, and your brain just sort of shuts down. I get to keep some functions. I can cook, even though I get really stressed if there's anything that doesn't go according to plan. I can worry about stuff. I can make stuff even though I also make a mess. I've been patching my infinity skirt the last couple of days, at the moment I'm on patch number 20 for this specific round and there's still a ways to go. It makes my back ache but I want to get it done. I've been making some cards and spinning some yarn and carving some stamps.

And I've started thinking about Christmas! Mmmm Christmas. I still love Christmas. Even though I've experienced some shitty ones.

More specifically I've started to think about what I should get for Chris. He's a super tricky guy to shop for.

And of course having several panic or anxiety attacks every day! Woop! Fun stuff!

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

Minus thirty

On the angst scale. I was at -20, and slowly I got up to -15, and now I'm at -30 and everything feels difficult and horrible. I sleep a lot. My head feels like a blender. My body feels tired, worn out, electric, aching. My stomach hurts all the time. I cry a lot. And of course I feel bad about feeling bad.

Headache and anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety brings so much chaos into my mind. I try to control my thoughts but they rush in all directions, making memories that used to be good feel bad to think about and bad memories extremely painful. It's like being covered in bees and trying to not think about it. I can't not think about stuff, because whatever I think about makes me anxious. Whatever road I follow leads into darkness, fear and stress.

Teamed up with a headache it just takes all my spoons and throws them in the bin and charging new spoons take ten times as long as using them, even if I'm just using them to not scream hysterically. I have a broken battery. I wonder if there is any way out of this that I just haven't found out about or if "rest" is the only thing that I get to do for the rest of my life?

Miracles

Today a stressful thing happened and I was hungry and I handled it. I was completely in chock. I would normally start shaking really bad, panic, cry, get angry, need to just put everything down and go sit down in another room and generally not handle it well at all. Today I swore loudly and then carried on with what I was doing, not realising until after a little while that I managed to handle the situation. The thing that happened was that the chord for the immersion blender slid onto the stove top because the kitchen counter was too cluttered, and it melted a tiny bit.

Anything to do with things breaking usually garners some hysterical tears at least. But I just finished making lunch like a boss! Even though it had already been a pretty long day with some major bad news concerning a close friend, and I had low blood sugar.

I feel so proud.

The last few days have been really good in general, and usually a few good days means that I get emotionally unstable and have a few bad days since I used up all my happy. This will probably still happen, but I'm impressed that it hasn't happened yet.

We did a pretty big cleanup on Sunday. On Monday I went to the dentist and got my temporary filling swapped for a permanent one and on Monday evening an old friend came to visit, and she stayed until this morning. Last night C's workmate came over and I made a large dinner for the four of us before we went to the board game night, and after that me and my friend went for a glass of wine (beer in her case) before returning home. So several quite intense days without running out of spoons!

Today in the evening I've felt like life is a little bit difficult but I did manage to make a really nice dinner (sweet potato/coconut/lime/ginger soup with roasted chickpeas)! So I still feel proud of myself. Everything counts. Every small bit of progress is worth being happy about.

Now I'm planning on a few days of proactive rest before C's family comes to visit and soon after that we go to Sweden for a wedding! So much stuff happening!

Whoa, it's almost three in the morning. Time for bed.

Thanks for reading  <3

The rage

I'm so sick of myself, so sick of this uncontrollable anger that bubbles up inside me without warning, sometimes without reason. I get so angry that I want to tear apart the whole world, I want to rip down the sky. It rises like pressure and I can't do anything to subdue it, it rises and then I explode. I hate it. I can't keep it inside, I can't silence the screams that tear themselves from my throat. Primal, hysterical rage grabs my entire body, surges through me like wildfire, like an explosion in a vacuum. I don't have the slightest idea how to handle it, how to de-pressurise my mind, how to make it stop. It comes from nowhere and takes over everything, and after I feel empty and weak and stupid and powerless. And mean and selfish and horrible, for the things I've said and done.

What's wrong with me? Why am I like this? Why do I get this way?

Poop brain

Sometimes depression feels like a mental upset stomach. You ate something bad and now your guts are telling you about it big time. But mentally. Like you had a bad experience and now your mind is either refusing to let go, just getting completely mentally constipated, however you try to get these thoughts out of your head it won't work at all, it just hurts and doesn't get better. Or your mind is going a bit nuts, expelling random feelings explosively. There's a steep pressure build up and then you can't hold it in anymore, you explode in rage or sadness and it feels horrible and afterwards you're weak and tired and feel a little bit gross.

Trippin and coughin

So I did bake that thing, I wasn't very pleased with it unfortunately.

I went to Sweden to get the last of my stuff, and I'm happy to have it all in one place even though the stress from traveling and moving killed my immune system and I was sick for about a week after.

By now the complete chaos is subsiding. There's still a few boxes standing around and some things that don't really have a home yet but most stuff is sorted.

My curling iron wasn't there, and a few other things that I thought I'd get back, but there was a lot of stuff that I'd missed and that I'm really happy to be reunited with! And a lot of stuff that I'm giving to welfare.

I've started knitting christmas gifts! And today I went to the doctor for the first time since I moved over. I hope to be able to get a therapist here but it might be tricky and take time. I feel worried and sad about that. Even though we're surrounded by large cities here - Gothenburg is right to the East, North of here is Oslo, and Denmark is small so Copenhagen is just a 40 minute flight away - it feels like we're close to stuff! But we're in North Jylland (jutland?) and there's not much of anything here. (Except students and bars.) Doctors and psychologists are thin on the ground, unfortunately. We're pretty much in the countryside.

---EDIT---

Uhmmmm my curling iron was one of the first things I did unpack. Depression forgetfulness is SO MUCH FUN.

Baking with depression

Day 1: Think about baking. You want to bake something. It would be nice.
Day 2: Try to figure out what to bake. Look at pinterest for a few hours.
Day 3: Decide on a cheesecake. Not TOO complex, but still good!
Day 4: Find the right recipe.
Day 5: Get someone to buy you some of the ingredients.
Day 6: Anxiety.
Day 7: Watch cartoons.
Day 8: Sit down and look through the recipe. Realize that you still need some ingredients.
Day 9: Try to go to the shop! Fail. Get drunk instead. (Not as drunk as you want to be. You started too late.)
Day 10: Be hungover? Not as much as you could have been if you were as drunk as you wished that you were! So... small win. Get someone else to come to the shop with you. Buy the last couple of things. Combine ingredients according to recipe  (more or less). Follow instructions (more or less). Maybe success? (We'll see! Haven't made it all the way there yet.)

Being a creative person with a depression

[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Ugh. Whenever I let my mind wander I get super obsessive over shitty stuff
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Like that one time I said something wrong at a party
[17/09 16:29] Kristina: Or that one person who probably thinks I'm an idiot
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: Or that time I was kinda mean to someone
[17/09 16:30] Kristina: And then I get upset over caring about people who don't matter at all
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME WHY AM I OBSESSING OVER THIS
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: And then I go on to obsess over some other meaningless shit!
[17/09 16:31] Kristina: Or keep obsessing over the same shit some more
[17/09 16:32] Kristina: It's so difficult to do anything when my brain just screams at me "YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT REMEMBER THAT TIME WHEN YOU GOT TOO DRUNK AND ACTED LIKE AN IDIOT HAHAHAHA YOU SUCK SO BAD YOU'RE A SOCIAL RETARD"
[17/09 16:34] Kristina: "Why do you even paint you're so exceptionally awful at it there is nothing good or original about anything you do hahaha you're so fucking bad at everything"
[17/09 16:35] Kristina: And I try to explain to my brain that not everything has to be original, there are GENRES for a reason, it's not like I can invent new colors. And I'll never get better by avoiding the things I like. But my brain doesn't care at all. It just starts screaming about something else.
[17/09 16:36] Kristina: It's so hard to focus with this constant hate in my head
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: This happens EVERY TIME I don't have some kind of thing to entertain me
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I always watch stuff or listen to books
[17/09 16:42] Kristina: That's why I hate going to bed if I'm not tired enough to fall asleep immediately
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: Just listening to music doesn't help
[17/09 16:43] Kristina: The same when I play games that don't take almost all of my attention
[17/09 16:44] Kristina: Like any situation where I have a possibility to think about anything

All this pain

How can it all fit inside me while I'm feeling so small?

I've been crying so much today. Maybe yesterday? Saturday or Sunday? I don't remember. The last few days are a blur. I'm so stressed out, about stuff beyond my control. I can't relax. I sleep too much and I have rage outbursts and panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. My appetite is messed up. My body hurts, like I've been running for hours.

My mind is like a blender. My head feels like it's breaking. Cracking.

The stress makes me testy, annoyed, angry. The anger has a domino effect, it's explosive. I get so angry just because I'm angry. I have no reason for it and I get so angry at myself! And it just grows, way out of proportion, way beyond my control. I slam doors and scream. And I hate myself for it.

Inside me there is constant chaos. No rest. No respite. Constant fighting, running, reaching for the surface, for light, for air. No possibility to relax and catch my breath. Not once.

But last night I fell asleep with a smile, even though I woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. Running in my nightmares, never safe, never a moment of rest. I fell asleep again and returned to the nightmare, to the panic. When I woke up again I woke Chris up and made him talk to me. He talked about skateboarding.

I hope that I can get a shrink appointment soon.

Spoons

Generally around one. Use one spoon for eating breakfast. Rest an hour or so. Use one spoon for unpacking a box. (Unfinished.) Feel lost and confused.

Spending a lot of time in my head. Making myself sad. Should make important calls and pay important bills but my head hurts and my heart too.

Me forever

I'll always be me. I'll never get to be anyone else. I'll never get rid of my past. The things that have happened to me will always have happened. The person that I am will always keep being me. I'll never get rid of myself. I'll never be free from my memories. From the insane pain of all those betrayals.

I don't know how to move on, let go. I don't know how to handle my feelings. I don't know how to process my memories. I don't know how to live, how to find myself or get back out into the light.

People keep telling me that I'll get better but I have no idea how. It doesn't just pass by itself. It doesn't just get better. The memories don't go away.

I want to accept that but I don't know how to do that either. I'm stuck between hate and pain and I have no idea what to do about it.

I think that I'll be sad, angry, in pain for the rest of my life. I'm not okay with that. Maybe I should be? Maybe I should accept that this is what I am now? A broken down mess, a few jagged pieces of my former self. Maybe I should try to fight it? Put myself back together? Or build a new me? I don't know. I don't know what is right or wrong. Good or bad.

All I know is that I'm tired of all of it.

Rage, pain

When the screams make it out of my body. The screams that are always there, more or less loud inside me. When they break out, claw their way from my chest, through my throat, out of my mouth.

When I lose control.

When I drown in a stormy sea of pain and rage and the dark, salt water blinds me.

When bottomless sadness takes over, a darkness so thick and sticky that I can't breath. Self hatred and self loathing and self pity.

Imploding, exploding. At the same time. The pressure builds and builds until I'm completely obliterated. Until I scream. Until I can only scream. Until I can't not scream. Until the screams are all that's left of me.

I try to scream into a pillow, I remember all those times when I was a teenager and the police came when I had my episodes. I remember the bat that I kept in my room for beating on the bed with because I had broken so much stuff that I liked. I feel scared that the police are going to come again, that we'll lose our new apartment. But the fear doesn't make the screams go away. The blind hysteria. I scream into the pillow and try to stop, I try to get up, control myself. But I can't. I'm crying too much. I try to make sense of the situation in my head, I try to calm myself down. But the chaos grows. It grows and grows and grows and I have no way out and then suddenly there's something to hold on to.

There's something to focus on. The crying becomes normal crying. The screams leave me. I lie down and finally I can relax.

I focus on him.

That thing that happens

If I have a lot of things planned. Like three. I freeze. I sit on my bed thinking "I'm going to get dressed and sort my laundry and brush my hair" "I'm going to the laundry room and the market and the shop".

But it overpowers me. Everthing. I can't get dressed. I sit in my bed, around me is some clothes. Stuff to put on and wear. But I can't really. I can't combine them. I can't stand up and start.

I had breakfast and that's good. It's a start. So why can't I just get started for real?

I get annoyed with myself and it makes me even more inactive.

Eventually I manage to trick myself into a small movement, I stand up to reach something or so, and I take the chance to quickly put on a dress.

It happens a few times that I forget to keep moving forward and sit and stare, and I have to deal with it all over again.

A little miracle

Today I have been in a pretty good mood all day. This is highly unusual. I have good days, definitely, but they're usually not good all the time? A normal good day I still have a couple of breakdowns and need a couple of naps to make it through.

And good days usually have reasons. Today was just nice for no reason. My hips hurt like crazy but apart from that stuff was... well, good. I'm in bed and it's late (and I got up EARLY! Around eight!) and I'm still feeling perfectly okay.

I did several different things today! I even spent some money on myself without even feeling bad about it, in fact I even felt kinda... good about it! It was a small amount and on crap (as usual, I'm a total crap hoarder) but I felt like it was okay. I can be kind to myself just because. I can treat myself to some semi useless things. I tidied my room a bit and painted my nails and watched buffy with Alexandra and I feel so weird! It's a little bit like emptiness but not negative, I guess I'm just not sad? I'm so unused to feeling not-sad that it's almost hard to handle.

I don't remember when I had a day like this the last time. (Mind you that don't mean much. I have crappy memory. I might have had a lot of days like this and just forgotten about them... but probably not.)

Gonna try to sleep now. Preparing for a bad mental backlash tomorrow.