All this pain

How can it all fit inside me while I'm feeling so small?

I've been crying so much today. Maybe yesterday? Saturday or Sunday? I don't remember. The last few days are a blur. I'm so stressed out, about stuff beyond my control. I can't relax. I sleep too much and I have rage outbursts and panic attacks and uncontrollable crying. My appetite is messed up. My body hurts, like I've been running for hours.

My mind is like a blender. My head feels like it's breaking. Cracking.

The stress makes me testy, annoyed, angry. The anger has a domino effect, it's explosive. I get so angry just because I'm angry. I have no reason for it and I get so angry at myself! And it just grows, way out of proportion, way beyond my control. I slam doors and scream. And I hate myself for it.

Inside me there is constant chaos. No rest. No respite. Constant fighting, running, reaching for the surface, for light, for air. No possibility to relax and catch my breath. Not once.

But last night I fell asleep with a smile, even though I woke up in a panic a couple of hours later. Running in my nightmares, never safe, never a moment of rest. I fell asleep again and returned to the nightmare, to the panic. When I woke up again I woke Chris up and made him talk to me. He talked about skateboarding.

I hope that I can get a shrink appointment soon.

Fuck shit up

I've been kicked out of my home. Because of lies, rumors and deceit. Fun stuff.

still got so very far to go

I get so mad at myself when I'm late for work. I'm going to start waking up an hour earlier. Really. From now on. So yeah, that's five o'clock. In the morning.

But I'm not going to be late anymore.

I had a really bad day today, but then I took a walk with Hannah at lunch and talked a lot about everything that made me mad and now I feel a lot better. That's a great thing. That I can talk about stuff and then feel better about them. I'm happy about that.

So me and Tall&Handsome cancelled the Dingle-plans, we're going to the film festival instead. It seems great! Yay!

Been scribbling a lot, trying to come up with some kind of childrens book character. So far i think I could call that book "stranger danger" 'cause all of the characters I draw look bloody scary.

If I had a scanner I would scan them for the world to see. Yes indeed.

Back to work.

sitting in bed

...eating Hongkong style sweet and sour chicken with noodles from the Chinese takeaway around the corner. The sun is setting, the air goes blue, everything feels more distant.

My leg hurts like shit. I guess from the running. So no more untill it stops hurting.

Today has been a shitty day. Everyone has been in a grumpy mood at work. I have been so tired I almost felt depressed, and it's not really better now, exept that I'm home, wich is good.

Well, I'm not depressed. I'm happy actually. Beneath the shitty mood. Happy to have friends that I can trust even though the situation is kinda rough on us both. Happy that I have the complete Nirvana discography. Happy that we're going to IKEA in just a couple of weeks.

This morning I realized I'm going back to Sweden on thursday. I kinda thought it was next week. I don't really want to go back again so soon, as might have mentioned, especially since I wont be going south at all. Well, I'm going to stay with Emilia for a night or two and I really look forward to late nights of talking and maybe playing some cards.

Now for some more food before I clean the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom. And play some wow.

keep breathing

Today I overslept for about an hour. There was no breakfast. I was really tired all day, and I still am. I had lots of coffee but never really woke up.

I booked a week off for my grandfathers funeral. And flight tickets to Sweden. And I bought black clothes. You would think that that would be a bit tricky with no money, but hey, RyanAir and Penneys. Did'nt spend very much. But now I really don't have anymore.

At least I wont get less next month, I don't have to take unpaid leave for the funeral, wich is good.

Feels strange to go back after such a short while. Very strange. I don't really want to go to Sweden but I really want to be with my mother.

I really don't know what I want. I won't have time to see any of my friends in the one week I'll spent in the motherland. I did'nt have time in five weeks even.

I wish I could just bring my mom and go somewhere else. India maybe. Or Alaska. Or anywhere.

Now I'm going to sleep. And it's not even ten o'clock yet! Good stuff. First good thing today. Or second, Olof made pancakes for dinner.

wreck

Today has actually been a truly shitty day, apart from buying some yarn. And that was a five to ten minute experience. The last... four days have been shitty. No, five. I have been feeling physically and emotionally drained the whole week and I still do.

Everything feels wrong and awkward and off.

At least mom seems ok. I really hope she is.

All the time it seems like life is trying to show me that there is no way of knowing anything at all, ever. It is the only firm belief I have. That I know nothing. I know no one. Especially not myself.

"Know thyself" a famous doorway once said. But how?

The neighbours are fighting. The nice ones. In the street. It's friday night and it's late and I'm at home, sober. It's happened before. It must have happened before.

I feel empty.