Miracles

Today a stressful thing happened and I was hungry and I handled it. I was completely in chock. I would normally start shaking really bad, panic, cry, get angry, need to just put everything down and go sit down in another room and generally not handle it well at all. Today I swore loudly and then carried on with what I was doing, not realising until after a little while that I managed to handle the situation. The thing that happened was that the chord for the immersion blender slid onto the stove top because the kitchen counter was too cluttered, and it melted a tiny bit.

Anything to do with things breaking usually garners some hysterical tears at least. But I just finished making lunch like a boss! Even though it had already been a pretty long day with some major bad news concerning a close friend, and I had low blood sugar.

I feel so proud.

The last few days have been really good in general, and usually a few good days means that I get emotionally unstable and have a few bad days since I used up all my happy. This will probably still happen, but I'm impressed that it hasn't happened yet.

We did a pretty big cleanup on Sunday. On Monday I went to the dentist and got my temporary filling swapped for a permanent one and on Monday evening an old friend came to visit, and she stayed until this morning. Last night C's workmate came over and I made a large dinner for the four of us before we went to the board game night, and after that me and my friend went for a glass of wine (beer in her case) before returning home. So several quite intense days without running out of spoons!

Today in the evening I've felt like life is a little bit difficult but I did manage to make a really nice dinner (sweet potato/coconut/lime/ginger soup with roasted chickpeas)! So I still feel proud of myself. Everything counts. Every small bit of progress is worth being happy about.

Now I'm planning on a few days of proactive rest before C's family comes to visit and soon after that we go to Sweden for a wedding! So much stuff happening!

Whoa, it's almost three in the morning. Time for bed.

Thanks for reading  <3

New year

Same old lactose intolerance. Note to self; don't buy the cheapest cheese. Because it is not naturally lactose free like most cheeses that have been aged like a month or something.

On the other hand I got some super awesome gifts this Christmas! Me and Chris spent it with his family in England, vegetating on sofas for most part of a three week vacation. It was wonderful.

And it's equally wonderful to be back home. Where clothes are optional. And where tap water is drinkable (if slightly more rich in lime (not the fruit) than I thought was even possible).

We finished season three of x files and I watched season one and two of black sails. We're watching parks and rec (we're at the end of season four I think).

We started a couple of art projects together.

Life is pretty good.

Not awesome

Today I made teriyaki sauce from scratch AND tempura vegetables! Both were terrible. Biggest food fail in years.

Been in a horrible mood all day.

Now I'm going to bed.

Today's achievements: got the shelves in the kitchen properly set up. Reorganised the cupboards. Made a complicated dinner (wich turned out bad, but I still did it). Fixed a bank thing. Booked tickets to Sweden. Spun some yarn.

Pears and people

Met a new person today, finished my third test-dish-cloth and made pear/rum/ginger marmalade. AND bought some cheap eye shadows that where lovely. (Two of them where lovely, one was horrible but at least glittery and almost the right color.)

Feel pretty good! Now I need to sleep, looong day tomorrow (but I'll try to remember to post some pictures)!

Beat the heat

For a couple of days the south of sweden has been extremely hot. Yesterday I made a moussaka and a banoffi pie with a merengue topping. It was insanely hot in the kitchen. And outside it. I tried putting on makeup. It didn't really work out.

I bought a fan, the kind that folds up and doesn't need a battery. I'm happy that I did.

The dinner turned out great and in the evening I went for a sunset swim. Very lovely.

Today there has been quite a lot of thunder and lots and lots of rain. It's sticky and hot and my friend's car's alarm went off because of a lightning strike close by. We're watching top gear and sweating.

Over and out.

tasty chaos

When my life seems to just spin out of control again I make dinner for my friends. I stand in the kitchen and for a little while I can do something. I have it under control. I know what's going on. I know what I want and how to do stuff. I'm doing three things at once without problem. I'm frying and mixing and cutting and spicing and stirring and the results make people happy. I've done something tangible that people like. I put a little bit of my love in there and it comes out wonderful.

I do something that I feel confident about and it's easy and the results are great.

There is probably nothing like it.

Yeah there is! Hah! I do lots of great stuff. There's a few things - grownup things, important things - that's difficult for me, but I do a lot of things well too.

I feel pretty good about that.

Yum

I love sandwiches! I could live on sandwiches alone.

Failjacks/flapfails

I made flapjacks a couple of days ago. The chewy, delicious, moist English treats, you know? I made them with honey instead of syrup. Unfortunately the honey had a strange aftertaste that made the flapjacks taste... Well, strange.

I tried again today. Using the exact same ingredients as several blogs had listed. And the same temperatures and times. I put chopped pecans and figs in there. 

What I learned: 200 degrees Celsius is too damn high a temperature. And to put the pan pretty low in the oven. 

A complete recipe will follow when I manage to make good flapjacks! 

chatting

it's almost four
I hate when Ben leaves
the days are okay but the nights are the WORST
I stay up late just so I can sleep for long so that time passes faster...

So yeah, it's really late and this is blog post number 900. Today I wrote a bit on my book, painted my nails, hung out with Rose, played Guild Wars 2 and... that's pretty much it I guess. I went swimming, I ate a lot of candy and pretty much no "real" food except a frozen mac-n-cheese that was supposed to be fancy but tasted pretty horrible. (Rose liked hers though.)

Oh and I watched Twin Peaks, ep1s02. Curiouser and curiouser. The owls are not what they seem. Oh Lynch you crazy dude.

Nails are now a shade of pearly pink that I can't decide if I love or hate.

Goodnight. Or morning. Or whatever time it is when you read this, dear reader.

---edit---
tried to get this post to look normal but srsly guise it's super late and I'm goin to bed instead

Oh my goodness

Whole wheat pasta

Some falafel

One head of broccoli 

Pumpkin seeds

Garlic butter

Pesto 

Linseed 

Parmesan

Do stuff to it. Whatever you want. Boil a bit and fry and stuff. 

TASTIEST. THING.

Trick is to have quite a bit of butter and salt and fry it all together with Parmesan in there. So good. So insanely good. 

shitty bad stuff

It's pretty late and I'm still awake because I accidentally (?) took a four plus hour nap this afternoon. Yay! (No. Not yay.)

School was okay I guess, worked on the conceptual wedding jewelry. I feel pretty good about it. Lunch was so crazy good, meat things with sauce and jam and stuff. My favorite type of food. I put a shitload of salad on top of it though. Guess that's something.

And then the sleep, and with the sleep the dreams. First off I was two guys. Who was somehow clones or something. Using a magic chalk piece or something they traveled to a strange different dimension where people tried to kill them. I/They saw everything double, pictures changed as you looked at them, texts was altered, colors distorted, everything like a hysterical hallucination in bright colors. I/They got dizzy and confused and fell over and lost their chalk pieces and never got home and started thinking that maybe that was okay, maybe this was how it was supposed to end.

I dragged myself into consciousness and tried to text Ben but I fell back asleep and everything got even worse. Sensitive readers should skip this. Really.

I was a man this time - only one though. I met a girl and really liked her. We were in a horrible accident. When I came to I was under water, floating, and she was beside me. Her body was torn apart at the waist. Her guts where everywhere, spreading out from her body like some kind of bloody tentacles. Her arms where twisted in impossible ways and the top of her head was missing. She was floating towards me and I was terrified and wanted to get away, but my body didn't move. I saw myself for a moment, like I caught a glimpse of myself out of the corner of my eye. I was terrified again because at first I thought I saw myself smiling, but I quickly realized that my jaw had been torn off and the muscles of my face where being pulled and stretched in bizarre ways. I tried to move my arms but realized that they too where twisted in horrible angles and when I tried using my legs to get away from her body that was now touching mine I saw that they where ripped off at the knees. I knew I was dead. Just like the woman next to me, my body had been crushed and killed. So why was I conscious?

A while later I am standing (how?) on a sidewalk. People on bicycles and in cars drive in big half circles as they pass to get as far away as possible. It went on to be a massive zombie apocalypse. I tried to stop it even though I was one of them. I was failing and tried to make myself wake up but it took several tries before I managed. I still feel completely fucked up. I don't want to go back to sleep but I'm tired and sad. I don't know why I'm sad.

Anyways I ate a salad for dinner so that's good. I guess. My head hurts. I'm drinking lot's of water. My vitamins and things arrived at Ben's today so hopefully he'll send them to me soon.

FUCK YOU DEPRESSION!

IMMA KICK YOUR BUTT! YEAH!

But I don't really know how yet. I called my doctor today. School is back on, easter break over. Still no cigarettes though I was close today and no coffee. I feel a little bit less sleepy today than usual.

I have been drinking at least one cup of coffee every day for years. Not sure how many, six maybe? At least six. Maybe seven. Every day. Today is maybe my tenth day without coffee. And it feels pretty good.

People ask why I stopped drinking coffee (in Sweden that's almost a faux pas) and even though there's a pretty long explanation I feel a bit perplex. Why the hell not?

Now I'm gonna go eat chinese food with the nerds.

C'mon

Hello bots. And possible humans.

Today I got up before noon again. I felt happy.

I cut off another third of my hair, looked at tumblrs for a while and had breakfast. Today I had unsweetened "sour milk" (which is a Swedish thing that is not at all as disgusting as it sounds, it's a bit like yogurt) with fruit muesli.

Thinking about vlogging. Today feels like a good day. Gonna make stew tonight. Yeeees.

Cabin fever

Day one of my new life was surprisingly like my old one.

But! No coffee or cigarettes. My biggest craving has been chocolate. My jaw hurts like F***ING S**T. Cant wait for Easter to be over so that the healthcare place opens again. Or the dentist, I have no idea.

As the title suggests I am going a bit mental but I've been to emotionally drained from last night's panic attack to actually do anything. Tomorrow tho! I'll go buy lots of vegetables and some chicken and yeast free rye bread to start preparing my body for the cleansing thing. Or at least for the much smaller amounts of food I'll be eating as soon as all the detox powders and things arrive. (I ordered it today on the internet.)

Ow ow ow my jaw.

Goodnight! I'm totally proud of myself for surviving a whole day without coffee and smokes.

rebirth

So to try to do something about my depression I decided to start by changing some habits. I'll tell you about them.

Today:

• No coffee, one cup of black tea
• No candy or sugar (except for small amounts of added sugar in my food since I don't want to throw out stuff I bought just a couple of days ago...)
• lots and lots of water
• workout

The plan for the close future is a cleanse, which will start in a couple of days and which will be HORRIBLE. In no way am I going to try to kid myself that it will be easy or in any way fun. It's gonna suck. It consists of mostly broth and nutritious drinks but also allows some vegetables. Gonna try to stop smoking and I think that will be fine, it's the coffee that's difficult. Coffee is the main reason why I'm not doing the cleanse thing right away. I'm gonna try to be a bit kind to my body and do stuff gradually. So a day or two of tea before caffeine is totally out. 

Now I'm gonna start by cleaning my room. A clutter-free environment might help give me a clutter-free mind.

-----edit--------

Okay, I think Emelie might have shared her cold with me after all, or it's caffeine withdrawal, but I think no workout. I feel dizzy.

7

11:30-ish

I dreamed that the hotel booking was screwed up. And that he was totally weird in real life. And that I was too. And the hotel and everything was just really horrible.

I want to keep cleaning but I should be in the workshop. Ugh.

---
13:37

So after cleaning for a while I had breakfast (eggs and bacon! Yum!) and the sun was shining. I felt the pep return.

I watched half an episode of true blood with Sanna and when I went out to have a smoke the sun was gone, the wind was wild and it started raining. Yeah. Thanks.

Now I'm back in my room again.

8

Been cleaning my room for like two days, so that it now resembles a merely regularly messy room instead of the half packed chaos it was last week.

Okay, maybe a bit messier than a regular messy room. (All my make up is in order though!)

I've been polishing an old unfinished piece of jewelry.

I've finished watching "The Legend Of Korra".

I've epilated my legs. Oh yes. Really. I had given up completely on keeping my leg hair short but this guy for some reason makes me silly!

I really haven't gotten enough done in the workshop though, and that really bothers me. Maybe tonight.

Now I'm off to eat pancakes!

Friday night chili

You out on some Tom Waits, clean up the kitchen, let your french young friend mix a Fidel Castro and get to choppin'.

The weekend is coming!

For lunch today I had a pretty serious lamb curry from the food court. I usually avoid it but I'm in such a good mood today I even survived that.

I'm kinda love high without being in love. I love my friends and myself and the world. I feel loved.

And also I got a little surprise today. A good one!

Listening to: Hoven Droven

hey now

Well this just won't do now will it? No it won't. I have been writing about lot's of different things in this blog but now I'm not writing anything at all. This is because I don't do much mostly. And what I do isn't very interesting.

But I miss blogging and I have so much interesting thoughts in my head now!

So I'll start sharing some inspirations and ideas instead of stories from my life. I have lots of ideas but not so much life. Haha. (Okay to be honest I'm playing a lot of world of warcraft. I'm level 27!)

I have done something though, on sunday! I went to dinner at my grandparents and it was so great! My uncle and aunt and cousins where there and we had really good chicken casserole and it was lovely meeting them all! I was very happy!

I'm happy otherwise too.

Soon I'll start sharing all my crafty projects, baking, knitting and so on. And pictures. And ideas and dreams and plans and inspirations. Now I guess I have to get back to work.

Oh first, my old friend Tom is in town!! It's gonna be great to see him! Oh and last night I cut my hair again. Now it's just like it was this spring. I'll try to get a picture.