language

So I noticed that I have a few readers in the states, and I translated the blog into English with the Google translate function, and... yeah... that was a laugh.

So I think I might start blogging in English, since Swedes still understand it, and I tweet in English, and I like English. There might be a few posts in Swedish, but... yeah.

Also, I made a new blog last night; drunken crafting. Not to be confused with drunken rafting, which isn't as much fun at all.

In other news I am at work and my head hurts.

Listening to: Screwhead

In three minutes the last work hour of this week begins. One hour and three minutes untill freedom and maybe some wine. And dinner I guess. Good stuff! I had the sugar buzz of a lifetime all morning and didn't come down untill after lunch when reality caught up with me... Something happens on monday that I'm really not looking forward to.

But in the meantime I'm yarnsurfing! (Yes I really should be working I know but my brain... it just wants to think about knittitng...) Right now I'm knitting a hat for someone special but I really want to make something like the big red... scarf? Blanket? That I found on the start page of BodhiYarn. (Have a look at the recycled silks!)

I also have lot's of other ideas spinning around in my head, and a lot of requests as well. Mom, friends, friends of friends ask me to knit things for them. But that someone special I mentioned is on the top of my list, and I think I'm on second myself. I have enough yarn and projects to last untill christmas and then I hope I have a sewing machine!

Oh knitting... It's the best. If only World of Warcraft was more boring!

Also the best: Cupcakes. So easypeasy and so much fun! It's like... I could make them every day just for the fun of it! Icing and sprinkles and yummy fillings and so much niceness. I made a batch last night for cake friday (I finally felt ready to start this fabulous tradition here at my new job) wich was very appreciated! I think I might even upload a few pics and recipe if you are all nice and well behaved. Mmmmm... Strawberries and dark chocolate...

Well well, back to work.

hey now

Well this just won't do now will it? No it won't. I have been writing about lot's of different things in this blog but now I'm not writing anything at all. This is because I don't do much mostly. And what I do isn't very interesting.

But I miss blogging and I have so much interesting thoughts in my head now!

So I'll start sharing some inspirations and ideas instead of stories from my life. I have lots of ideas but not so much life. Haha. (Okay to be honest I'm playing a lot of world of warcraft. I'm level 27!)

I have done something though, on sunday! I went to dinner at my grandparents and it was so great! My uncle and aunt and cousins where there and we had really good chicken casserole and it was lovely meeting them all! I was very happy!

I'm happy otherwise too.

Soon I'll start sharing all my crafty projects, baking, knitting and so on. And pictures. And ideas and dreams and plans and inspirations. Now I guess I have to get back to work.

Oh first, my old friend Tom is in town!! It's gonna be great to see him! Oh and last night I cut my hair again. Now it's just like it was this spring. I'll try to get a picture.

dreamsong

I don't do this very often but since I had a very vivid dream tonight featuring this beautiful song, and because it's storytelling at it's finest, song-lyric-wise, I'll have to share the lyrics with you.


Bobbie Gentry - Ode to Billy Joe

It was the third of June, another sleepy, dusty Delta day
I was out choppin' cotton and my brother was balin' hay
And at dinner time we stopped and walked back to the house to eat
And Mama hollered out the back door "y'all remember to wipe your feet"
And then she said "I got some news this mornin' from Choctaw Ridge"
"Today Billy Joe MacAllister jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

And Papa said to Mama as he passed around the blackeyed peas
"Well, Billy Joe never had a lick of sense, pass the biscuits, please"
"There's five more acres in the lower forty I've got to plow"
And Mama said it was shame about Billy Joe, anyhow
Seems like nothin' ever comes to no good up on Choctaw Ridge
And now Billy Joe MacAllister's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge

And Brother said he recollected when he and Tom and Billie Joe
Put a frog down my back at the Carroll County picture show
And wasn't I talkin' to him after church last Sunday night?
"I'll have another piece of apple pie, you know it don't seem right"
"I saw him at the sawmill yesterday on Choctaw Ridge"
"And now you tell me Billie Joe's jumped off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

And Mama said to me "Child, what's happened to your appetite?"
"I've been cookin' all morning and you haven't touched a single bite"
"That nice young preacher, Brother Taylor, dropped by today"
"Said he'd be pleased to have dinner on Sunday, oh, by the way"
"He said he saw a girl that looked a lot like you up on Choctaw Ridge"
"And she and Billy Joe was throwing somethin' off the Tallahatchie Bridge"

A year has come 'n' gone since we heard the news 'bout Billy Joe
And Brother married Becky Thompson, they bought a store in Tupelo
There was a virus going 'round, Papa caught it and he died last Spring
And now Mama doesn't seem to wanna do much of anything
And me, I spend a lot of time pickin' flowers up on Choctaw Ridge

And drop them into the muddy water off the Tallahatchie Bridge


Aw man it gives me goosebumps. And her voice is beautiful and the dream was wonderful and I met old friends and dyed my hair in purple and black and pink using henna.

Today I beat my highscore in Tetris; 335268 points. Back to work.

upcoming events

Okay I'm a bit early but I want this ring for my birthday! Or a tattoo.

Joe cut all his hair off. Lucky for me he is still handsome. Maybe looks a bit more criminal now but I would'nt tell him that.

Hannah dissed the girls night for football. But I can still help Maria pack - she's going to Sweden tomorrow - and maybe paint my own toenails, or something.

I made it to the gym this morning! Love myself.

totally gay

Been reading some about Moomin, as in the gay icon. Or maybe the gay icon Tove Jansson. Read this very interesting article on the subject (it's in Swedish though). I've know for ages about Tove Jansson being gay (and also an anarchist) and the character Tooticky being based on her partner Tuulikki Pietilä, but she is one of my favourite authors and always interesting.

So thing of the day is:

• All of Tove Jansson's books. I read some of her adult books and I love them, and I would love to read all of them, and I would love to read all of them repeatedly.
• The Arabia Moomin-mugs (and bowls), specifically Tooticky and "Thingumy and Bob" as Tofslan and Vifslan is mysteriously translated to (Tofslan is Tove and Vifslan is a girlfriend - not Tuulikki but Viveca Bandel), Moominpappan (Moomindad) and last but not least Snufkin - Snusmumriken.

Ah yes. I have also been spending a lot of time looking at pictures of small, cute, yappy-type dogs. The cuteness. It devours.

Oh well, back to work.

what I know and what I believe

I had a kinda shitty day today, in ways. I look a bit like Hulk Hogan from a kinda maybe not supergreat dye last night (redoing it in a couple of days though) and woke up when I was supposed to leave with a mad throatache. Everything went wrong all morning.

But work was extremely slow so I survived. Went to buy some food after and went home to cook it. Unfortunately I kinda failed the cooking! Me! The food wizard! Yes. Too bad. Shit happens. Joe smiled and said "It tasted great darling" and I don't believe him for a second but I do appreciate it and I like it so when he calls me darling.

At the same time this double feeling. Right underneath the happiness, worry, anger, sadness. Feels shitty.But I'll get over it, because I don't want this weight. I don't want that again. But the memory is clear as daylight, the memory of the pain. The anger is close. 

But I won't get angry. I'm unforgiving this once but I don't want to fall back into that darkness. Let you forget... Sure. Whatever. I'll forget.

Maybe I should forgive? For my own sanity's sake? Or maybe I should just try to not think about it? Because the more I do the angrier I become. Don't want that, don't need that, not now, not ever.

So how about I do the dishes now?

Listening to: Lykke Li - I'm Good, I'm Gone (spotify)

t-shirts

I admit it, it's a bit... unhealthy, how many t-shirts I have, and how many more I am likely to purchase. Here is the t-shirt of the day. I love zombies, t-shirts and A Softer World so this tee is so totally made for me. Wow.

The project of my hair is going good! Going to bleach it big time today. Hoping for white, but it's probably going to be more yellow. I'm having dinner with Ida as well. I did yesterday too. And Johan, we had indian, at Indian Palace, and I think it's my favourite indian place so far actually. Then we watched In Bruges which is so good I could cry. Smart, funny, beautiful... it has everything a movie needs and if it was a person I would fall in love and elope with it. It's like the perfect film. Really. I loved it the first time I saw it about a year ago, but I loved it even more the second time. Think I'll see it again, soon.

Wasting my lunchbreak now... But since I'm working the early shift I'm not really hungry yet, and also I have no lunch and no cash on me, so getting food would require more effort than it's worth. I'll grab a sandwich later or something.

Listening to: Philemon Arthur and the Dung - Men Va Fanken

still got so very far to go

I get so mad at myself when I'm late for work. I'm going to start waking up an hour earlier. Really. From now on. So yeah, that's five o'clock. In the morning.

But I'm not going to be late anymore.

I had a really bad day today, but then I took a walk with Hannah at lunch and talked a lot about everything that made me mad and now I feel a lot better. That's a great thing. That I can talk about stuff and then feel better about them. I'm happy about that.

So me and Tall&Handsome cancelled the Dingle-plans, we're going to the film festival instead. It seems great! Yay!

Been scribbling a lot, trying to come up with some kind of childrens book character. So far i think I could call that book "stranger danger" 'cause all of the characters I draw look bloody scary.

If I had a scanner I would scan them for the world to see. Yes indeed.

Back to work.

happy ears

Best song right now: Balkan Beat Box - Joro Boro, from the album Nu Med.

Apart from loving that song I'm working, doing routers today. It's mind numbing.

I want to read. Lot's of books, right now, Robert Louis Stevensson's Treasure Island is pretty high up on my list.

Today the call center turns ten. Hooray. So does the carpet. Hooray hooray.

Nah, back to work.

today...

I'm doing routercalls, which is quite restful compared to doing SOC-mails. I feel utterly stupid and mostly like I'm forcing other people to work more rather that being part of a team and doing something constructive and everything, and I know that it's always like that when you're new and stuff but I still don't like it and I'm completely stressed out all the time and get even more nightmares...

Well, routers. Could do it in my sleep. Nice and relaxing.

When I get bored I play Zuma, create accounts in sites like Twitter, or read this blog.

We're halfway to the weekend. And halfway trough thursday. I have failed to quit coffee, but at least I'm down to one cup a day. A big cup though. Tripple espresso cappuchino. But whatever, anything is better that the greyish, sickly, disgusting crap from the machine in the canteen - even though it's free.

Lunch today was great, chicken rolls with feta and red pesto, Maria is a godess when it comes to cooking.

no, this is madness

Been very stuck on this flashgame the last couple of days. It drives me nuts. I get to question 92, where I always die.

Apart from that training is going well I guess, I took my first call yesterday, or, well, made my first call actually. It was no biggie though, only a password reset. But still.

Last night me and Ida where out with a couple of guys from the Swedish headquarters of our department. Great fun. Quite tired today.

Today we had Luciafika and Helen's sister had made us the best cake ever (DELICIOUS CAKE) and we had lussekatter and glögg and pepparkakor.

And after work I went down the pub for one. And then went home. Incredible!

And now it's ten and there is not a chance that I will be able to stay awake much longer. Slept for four hours or so last night and I've got a lot of christmas shopping to do tomorrow! Watched the first two episodes of season three of Heroes and had a snack box from Hillbilly's and now I'm almost dislocating my jaw from yawning so keep all yours fingers crossed that the weather tomorrow will be splendid!  

Good night!

Lund

So, I am back in the city that saw me grow up. It's morning and I am awake and I've been sorting e-mails and... uhm... that's all I've done actually. Today is totally packed plan-wise! Extremely much to do!

Yesterday was great, met Tom for a quick hug (going to hang out properly with him later today) and then walked home with Maia. Great seeing her again! And today is her birthday!

Last night I had lovely dinner at Hannah's, 'cause it was her birthday (and on Sunday it's Irena's) and we stayed up 'till kinda late, drinking wine and playing silly dare-games. Hannah is such a lovely friend.

Now I have to do lot's of stuff.

lunches

The sub yesterday (six inch italian herbs and cheese spicy italian toasted double cheese spicy lettuce cucumber olives mayo thanks) was really good. And the Puccinos wrap today as well. But hey, yeah, feels all wrong.

I don't want to be here right now. Don't want to be at work, in Ireland, in my life.

And oh yeah. The pain in my neck wasn't from the AC, it was from the headbanging the night before wich I had kinda forgotten about. Could have something to do with the beer, I don't know.

some crappy title

My neck hurts. Probably from the AC at work. Starting to have problems moving my neck. Lucky for me they just adjusted it.

I'm a bit tired. We went out for a beer after work, me, Johan and Maia, and kinda continued at Viola and Björn's place, watching Ronja Rövardotter and eating Zam Zam-food. A really nice night! I'm not hungover at all, just a bit tired. And hungry. Feel like a sub today. For the first time in months.

Having Maia here is awesome. We're having loads of fun.

We saw Dark Knight again on sunday. It was still really cool. Ledger was still really good as the Joker. Really.

All in all I feel kinda depressed. It's amazing how feelings can be so intense, it sometimes feels like the world around me fades and my memories are bigger, more real, more present. I want to live in my life. I do. Right here and now. It's just that something is missing. Like... there's a hole in my life. Like a wound. I try to move around it carefully, try to make it not hurt so much, but I can't get rid of the feeling of emptyness. Life goes on. Only... wrong.

It' strange because there's so much good stuff going on. There's more than one thing to bring me down, of course, but I want to be happy. Life is good. I want to enjoy it.

Sara got in to medschool in Gothenburg so we're going out tonight to celebrate. Tomorrow I think me and Maia are leaving town for about 24 hours, just to see something else, some nature, some rain, some pub.

somewhere so far from here

So tonight I'm not at the acoustic show on Crane Lane. With Alabama 3. But I'm ok. It would have been great to see them but I've been so damn tired the last couple of weeks. Seriously, I'm getting a bit annoyed at work. It's so damn much right now, and no one really cares that we're all going to get really tired of it. And not want to do it anymore. I take more calls than anyone else. Last week I took 220. That's quite a lot. Next in line was Maria I think, with 153 or something like that, and she had two days off. My head is pretty empty all the time. Then, around nine-ish, I start waking up, and I have some energy for about an hour. I eat. Then I vegetate for a while, and then sleep.

Not very interesting or sexy or exiting or adventurous. Maybe, one day, it get's better. Maybe, one day, I'll see the world. When I finally get tired of this dirty old town, when I finally realize that if I go through another reset or registration I will definetely loose my mind for real...

Then there is one single thing I want.

as I lay me down to sleep

It's late, later than it should be, but not very late. I would have liked being in bed maybe an hour earlier, but it doesn't really matter much. In my bed I stare out into the solid darkness, wide awake. I reach out across the bed, and it's empty. My arm rests heavily in the empty space. Slowly my eyes adjust to the dark, I can make out shapes. Outside dogs are fighting, a car alarm goes off. It whistles it's monotone song into the night. The night doesn't care. I hear laughter from Barrack street.

I wake up late, feeling confused, after dreaming stressful dreams about eggs and bacon and trying to get something really important done in a very short time or everyone would be so mad at me. While I was dressed in a kimono. Confusing. I go to work alone, 'cause Maria is in Amsterdam and Sara starts an hour early.

And work kinda sucks since we are way to few. 76 calls today. Most calls since I moved to the Swedish line. I still enjoy not taking Irish calls though.

After work me and Viola went shopping for sheets and candy. Then I went to Tesco and bought stuff for salad. And Lemsip for Olof who is really sick.

And now I'm home.

All of a sudden there's this feeling of not belonging. Of being alone in a strange place that will never accept me. A feeling like I will always be judged here. I don't usually care about being judged but... I can feel it now.

To do what feels right is not always an option.

no words

I just... I don't know.

It takes me a while to realize things. Yesterday evening I realized something, after like hours. Today as well. It's like... Whatever happens during the day sinks in in the afternoon. After work. Probably because I do my best to deny it and then, after dinner, my resistance is weak. I fail denial and it slowly comes creeping.

The realization. The knowledge. I should not have gotten my hopes up. Why, why do I allow myself to dream about this?

Emotional extreme bungyjump - you don't know if you have a rope or not. And you jump blindfolded. And you don't know where you are, or what waits down there. Might be rocks, might be flames, might just keep falling and falling through darkness for ever, might land in... a big bed somewhere. Might open your eyes and realize your not falling at all, but flying.

Only I'm fucking scared.

Today we went to Leisureplex after work and played airhockey for a hundred years. Then we bought pizza, and Johan managed to order pizza with meat, and he got mad and went home, and I'm playing with my sucky bluetoothheadset that can't do any tricks at all, like, say, play music from my mobile phone. Noooo. Also transferring lots of new music to my mobile through my new cable. Which does exactly what it was meant to do. I also have a new water cleanser thingy. So water now tastes beautiful.

And today a call came in from New Zealand and the caller was a Swedish guy. Really cool.

And there's lots of concerts to see in Cork this summer! Tinariwen, Alabama 3, Hammell on Trial, José Gonzales...

Yeah, trying to focus on everything else but that thing that I keep thinking about, trying to seem happy. For everyone.

Put your phones up in the air!

Oh. My. God.

I saw Massive Attack last night. And it was amazing. Really. And also I bought the skirt.

I want to go on for ages about the concert but it was wonderfull and great and amazing and I was totally blown away and they played all my favourite songs an wow wow wow, WOW. Don't really have so much to say of actual substance.

Or... on the matter of substance I have things to say. Damn! Smoke your weed before the show, not during, please! It's extremely disrespectful to stand in the middle of a large crowd and smoke pot during a whole concert! And my god that little jumping junkie in front of me. Dancing is ok. Jumping back and forth constantly for the whole show, even during the really slow songs like Teardrop, is not ok. Or, I mean, it's ok, it's just that not everyone in the audience popped a million pills before going. So take your extacy after the show! Drug etiquette: think about people around you. They might not enjoy the same things you enjoy. Asshole.

Work has been good today. Lots of routers, wich I like. Amalie has gone home to Denmark and I already really miss her. Ida has gone to Sweden for her vacation leaving Sara in charge, wich works really good! Sara has the powers of administration.

And yeah, the concert was wondertastic.

realizing things

Today started out bad, a million billion crappy calls an I was in a shitty mood. Got a bit cheered up though. So I got through the day.

When I got home I was... basically broken, extremely tired and not motivated to do anything. I realized something, when I was lying on Marias bed eating coconuts. (Coconut. Only one.) And all of a sudden I was extremely sad. I had to go down to my room because I almost felt like crying. I can admit that there was a correlation between the realization and the sadness. So I went to bed, listened to music and did what I usually do when I don't want to cry - I fell asleep. Not so hard since I was hysterically tired, wich was probably, if not the biggest reason the second biggest, to why I felt so extremely sad. After some time, an hour maybe, I don't know, Maria woke me up and asked if I wanted the same kind of pizza as last time. I did. Then, after another while, she woke me up again and told me that there was pizza for me in the kitchen.

And after some pizza and some icecream and having some djungelvrål thrown at me I felt a lot better.

Yesterday something happened that suprised me. And made me very happy.

And soon I'm going to go to sleep, with my window open... Just in case.