Thursday 10 July 2008

as I lay me down to sleep

It's late, later than it should be, but not very late. I would have liked being in bed maybe an hour earlier, but it doesn't really matter much. In my bed I stare out into the solid darkness, wide awake. I reach out across the bed, and it's empty. My arm rests heavily in the empty space. Slowly my eyes adjust to the dark, I can make out shapes. Outside dogs are fighting, a car alarm goes off. It whistles it's monotone song into the night. The night doesn't care. I hear laughter from Barrack street.

I wake up late, feeling confused, after dreaming stressful dreams about eggs and bacon and trying to get something really important done in a very short time or everyone would be so mad at me. While I was dressed in a kimono. Confusing. I go to work alone, 'cause Maria is in Amsterdam and Sara starts an hour early.

And work kinda sucks since we are way to few. 76 calls today. Most calls since I moved to the Swedish line. I still enjoy not taking Irish calls though.

After work me and Viola went shopping for sheets and candy. Then I went to Tesco and bought stuff for salad. And Lemsip for Olof who is really sick.

And now I'm home.

All of a sudden there's this feeling of not belonging. Of being alone in a strange place that will never accept me. A feeling like I will always be judged here. I don't usually care about being judged but... I can feel it now.

To do what feels right is not always an option.

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