Tuesday 30 September 2008


I posted on 22Vicar today.

Also it's payday and I got about one fourth of what I had expected. I hate being bad at maths, I can never be sure if there's something wrong or if I just counted wrong or misunderstood something from the start. I just feel stupid. I hate it. And I hate being so dependant on people.

So it turns out I had three weeks unpaid leave, and not one and a half as I thought. I don't know how I can manage to screw these things up. I mean, I'm smart. I'm not completely retarded, at least. But time and money and everything else that is basicall some sort of system depending on numbers - nothing. I screw it all up.

Fuck it.

Sunday 21 September 2008

believe me

By the time you read this, I may already be dead.

I say that in the sense that statistically any of us could be dead by the time you read this. Though if you are reading it you are yourself not dead, obviously, but you could be dead by the time the next person reads it. We're all floating above the black, snarling pit of death on soap bubbles.

I am not the one who wrote this. It is a quote.
But please, please keep reading.

Friday 19 September 2008


Everything happens very quickly. Everything happens at once. Lots of things are happening and I have really no time to react.

Oh your god. I feel like... Like I'm working constantly and still have time for drama on every imaginable level of my personal life.

Tonight I'm going to a party instead of working. I think it might be friday.

Monday 15 September 2008


I am taken by surprise by myself every day. Things are different than I remember. People are different.

I react totally different to meeting people than I anticipate.

Like she is so much more beautiful then I remembered... And I remembered her like very beautiful. And I am caught behind my own eyes. Mesmerized.

And people react differently to me than I expect them to. It seems like they really want to see me. And like they really enjoy spending time with me. And I spend all my time working. And I leave in thirteen days and I don't think I have many hours left that are not filled with plans.

I am happier. Now. I got some distance. Don't know why, but life feels a little bit easier right now than it did earlier today.

Maybe because I was sceming with Maria about the glorious nerd I will become as soon as I come back home. Or because I talked to my mom a lot. Or because I met my good friend Sandra. Or because I came up on the attic, at last, and got some kind of picture of how much work there is to be done. I don't know. Maybe it's just how tolerant Maia is when I'm in a crappy mood.

Or something else. Something that looks a bit like a fairy.

Meeting old friends is really good. Friends are what define you, right? The people you choose to have in your life. I have made a lot of good choises.

I have a lot of FFF work left to do but it will have to wait. Tomorrow. Sleep now.

Friday 12 September 2008


Working a whole lot. No time to think or feel. Good.

But then all of a sudden there's some song. The songs take me back to a time that I can never return to. Back to different moments, everything else dissapears.

Sometimes I wish I could have what I want, or want what I can have. But I can't stop hoping, really.

There's a lot of work but now it's friday night and I'm gonna go home to Maia to drink some red wine and watch a movie or something.

Thursday 11 September 2008

who I am

I have been away for almost a year, and now I come back to the place I knew as "home" to visit. When viewed from a distance I can see how this place, my life, has shaped me.

I understand why my friends on Ireland laugh at me and call me weirdo when I meet my closest friends and realize that they are just like me... And we probably shaped each other.

I think a lot about someone. Someone I met exactly one year ago. Someone I hope to meet again soon. Even though I'm kinda nervous about it.

And I think a lot about myself, the way I see myself, the way others see me, my feelings, my power over my feelings. The way I relate to myself and the world and how much everything has changed in one year. Last summer was like... death. Like the end of one life and the beginning of a new one. Rebirth.

I think a lot about my friends. And I think a lot about the people who are, and have been, more than friends.

I guess you know what I think of most, though.

Back to work.

Baby tour of '08

First of all I'd like to tell you a story. I have this friend - someone who means a lot to me - who sometimes teases me for a small tick I have. I thought it was something that came after the accident since it's in the same place in my face that still hurts.

But last night I met another friend, someone I have'nt met in four years or so, who said "You've changed, but you still have that tick in your face".

No one else have ever commented it. I did'nt even know about it untill a couple of months ago.

So, meeting Martin was great. Felt like old times almost, exept that where we used to talk about the revolution and society we now talked about computers and society.

Soon I'm going up to the office to make a lot of phone calls but first, here's a couple of baby pics.

The bluest eyes in Enköping perhaps? Ylva is a sweet and funny and happy kid. I adore her.

And this little redhead miracle is my baby sister Kajsa. Unfortunately most of the pics of her are a bit out of focus, maybe because she was moving around so much?

Wednesday 10 September 2008

beer and coffee

Well yeah, the bridge. The bridge is where we went after putting the million billion beers in the cabin. It was awesome!

Then we ate lot's of meat. Again. Meat party. Then we went to the cabin where we fell asleep.

We woke up after a while, had coffee, and dragged our million billion beers to the car deck, where we where eventually picked up by a bus, and then we loaded the beers into a car, and then we took it to the office, by carriyng it up the stairs.

We where very good.

Tonight I slept like a bear in hibernation.

Today I went into town and bought coffee at a café where I used to be a regular and I got it for free even though I hav'nt been there for a year... So nice!

And since then I've been sitting in the office. Feels like home, which is a bit bad I guess, but I like it anyways.


Home from a pretty non-eventful trip to Germany. Very tired. Long day. Up at five, walked to the station at about five forty, took a train at six, arrived in Trelleborg at seven forty or something, walked to the boat, took the boat... Uhm... Yeah that's pretty much it I guess. We ate a huge meaty breakfast and played cards (I won in poker big time) and after many hours we arrived in Germany where we bought a million billion beers. And wine and vodka and lot's of stuff. Then we walked back to the boat and loaded all the stuff into the cabin that we had for the ride home, and then we went up to the part of the ship where the captain drives. Ehm. I bet it's not called drives but I'm really a bit to tired to write. I don't even know why I'm doing this right now.

Well, going to bed. Maybe a better story tomorrow.

Monday 8 September 2008

be exelent to each other

Just saw Bill and Ted's Exelent Adventure with Maia (and Dulce de Leche, best ice cream ever, well worth fifty crowns...) and it was great, of course. Going to watch Bill and Ted's Bogus Journey at some point as well. But not tonight, because tomorrow I'm going to Germany with Lars, Emmy and Lars' friend to buy lots of beer and alcohol for FFF.

Today was pretty calm. Chilled out. Had vacation. Then I went to town, had coffee with Hannah and Maia and went up to the FFF-office where I did some minor administrative stuff.

A pic from friday, when I was shopping with Kalle. Maia joined us for a beer later. Than me and Maia went out for dinner. Now her bangs are shorter because I cut them before the movie.

Sunday 7 September 2008

at the end of the day

Going to bed soon, had a good day today after all. The blues left me. I had dinner with Robin, thai, and then we bought some stuff and went home to Maia and watched Eddie Izzard. We made some ruccola-parmesan-cruton-salad witch we ate with bread and garlic-oil. Good stuff. Then chilli-chocolate milkshake.

Tomorrow I'm meeting Bex and probably doing some FFF-stuff, I guess.


I just want to be here and now, enjoy the sunshine and all my friends and all but my mind just keeps drifting and it makes me angry.

Tonight I woke up, heart racing and head aching, from a hellish nightmare about evil undead monsters. It was scary on every imaginable mental level and still hangs on a bit.

Now I'm going to fika with Robin!

Saturday 6 September 2008


I miss you. I think about you so much.

Today was nice, spent lots of money on lots of great stuff. A jacket being one of the major things. And I bought Maia a nice, late birthday dinner.

We are now thinking about if we should go out to party or stay in and play Heroes of might and magic.

I'm a bit tired after spending so much money. And a bit... I don't know, emotional? It's a silly word. A bit pathetic. Feeling a bit like I don't know anything and some part of me keeps saying that you don't think about me at all and another part says "Well he probably does". All in all I feel a lot. A lot of feelings. I want to see you, I want to hold you, I want to be with you.

I keep hoping, wishing.

off and away

Feels good to be back. Jumped right into the middle of a boiling mass of action. Stuff going on all the time. A bit out of the loop with FFF but quickly getting into the loop again.

Had fika with Tom, Maia and Dan yesterday. Tom is a really, really good, close, old friend. Hanging out with him always makes me happy.

We showed Hell Ride last night, which was fun, if not the most intelectual movie of all times. I think I kinda took charge of the whole thing but it did'nt seem like anyone minded so... We gave away some DVD's and posters and sold membership cards and so. The discussions afterwards where mostly about what there was most of in the movie - tits, bikes, weapons or asses. Great actors though. Dialouge could have been funny but it wasn't, really.

Today I'm gonna hang out with Kalle and go shopping. He was a bit hesistant but I think I might have decided for him. Well, the shops are waiting.

Friday 5 September 2008


So, I am back in the city that saw me grow up. It's morning and I am awake and I've been sorting e-mails and... uhm... that's all I've done actually. Today is totally packed plan-wise! Extremely much to do!

Yesterday was great, met Tom for a quick hug (going to hang out properly with him later today) and then walked home with Maia. Great seeing her again! And today is her birthday!

Last night I had lovely dinner at Hannah's, 'cause it was her birthday (and on Sunday it's Irena's) and we stayed up 'till kinda late, drinking wine and playing silly dare-games. Hannah is such a lovely friend.

Now I have to do lot's of stuff.

Thursday 4 September 2008

calling out from scatland

All is well.

Really well. I have been wanting and needing a laptop for so long and I love this. Vacation. A home with wonderful people in it when I go back. Several weeks ahead of me of lots of fun, meeting old friends, seeing a tonne of movies. And yesterday I got a big surprise. A gift. From a relative that I have no contact with at all. Money. Totally unexpected and wonderful, because this means that I can pay people back. Maia and Robin, who have been wonderful and helped me out selflessly even though they had it rough as well, without a word since. Both my parents, and of course my imbecille ex, who I will be free from once I payed him back. This gift and the bonus I will eventually get for importing Johan and Viola once they pass their probation. (Need I add that I hope that both will stay forever, for ever ever?)

Living in Cork can be ... maybe not demanding, but not all good. Irish people can be tricky to deal with, the weather is mostly aweful but I have to say that it is my home and I love it there. Coming "home" to Sweden made me realize that. I could move back here though, if I had a reason. Home is where the heart is, right? My heart is where I feel safe and happy - with Maria. My family of choise.

Of course I feel safe and happy with my family of blood as well. I love Kajsa - and Nils and Astrid and Elis - so much.

So all is well. I'm enjoying the last bit of summer, enjoying some FFF-work (mostly sorting e-mails and trying to get ahold of Lars), enjoying life. Enjoying the freedom that I can see now.

I can't wish that I never fell for you. I can't. Even though thoughts of you cloud any sunny day I can't wish we hadn't met. I guess you think about it though.

I remember what you said that night, when we where standing on that bridge, watching bats fly back and forth over the water.

I miss you. I keep on hoping.

Wednesday 3 September 2008

on my mind

Constantly. What can I say?

Can't stop thinking about you. Want nothing more than to be close to you.


Turns out the real national anthem of Kazakhstan is a quite nice song with kinda nice lyrics, as national anthems come.

Our happy land,
Our happy people
Is welcoming new time.

Finally got going with some FFF-stuff. Or got going more seriously I might say. Been fiddling with it almost every day but now I actually got the list of people working this year... Perfect and lots of fun.

Still love my laptop.

Tuesday 2 September 2008

pretty party-clothes crochéd of snow

My laptop is so awesome it's really pretty and cool and great and I love it so much.

So yeah, that's pretty much all I have to say today.

Been driving a lot and a man with a waxed moustache backed into our car while I was standing still and then he blamed me. I was furious. There is nothing worse than people who think that they are better than you.

Listening way to much to Flight of the Conchords, "Prince of parties", "The most beautiful girl", "Leggy Blonde", "Think about it"... To much. Singing

I'll buy you a kebab
and I can't believe
that I'm sharing a kebab with the most beautiful girl
I have ever seen with a kebab

and so on.

Man, I love my laptop. Just have to think of a name for it.

Monday 1 September 2008

space... cowboy... pirates!

When I landed in Ängelholm today my hair was still wet since the shower I had in Stockholm... Weird feeling. But everything went really smooth and I got my money by now and all.

So I'm my dad's. All five kids where here for a while. It was great. My baby sister is extremely sweet. And my grandma was here for dinner. I really have to say I love my family, and I love being with them. It was wonderful seing mom and it's wonderful being here.

We had lamb for dinner, which I love. I've been driving some and it's lot's of fun, it's been a good while. Going tomorrow to buy a laptop. I'm absolutely thrilled. Apart from that I'm going to try to fix all the FFF-stuff I hav'nt had a chance to do. I really hope I have time tomorrow.

And yes! Space-cowboy-pirates! Can you think of anything better? No. No you can't. Firefly beats just about anything. It's great. Gorram great.

"Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing."

Now is bedtime. Big day tomorrow.

Still think about you all the time. (Now how's that for an ego-boost?)