calling out from scatland

All is well.

Really well. I have been wanting and needing a laptop for so long and I love this. Vacation. A home with wonderful people in it when I go back. Several weeks ahead of me of lots of fun, meeting old friends, seeing a tonne of movies. And yesterday I got a big surprise. A gift. From a relative that I have no contact with at all. Money. Totally unexpected and wonderful, because this means that I can pay people back. Maia and Robin, who have been wonderful and helped me out selflessly even though they had it rough as well, without a word since. Both my parents, and of course my imbecille ex, who I will be free from once I payed him back. This gift and the bonus I will eventually get for importing Johan and Viola once they pass their probation. (Need I add that I hope that both will stay forever, for ever ever?)

Living in Cork can be ... maybe not demanding, but not all good. Irish people can be tricky to deal with, the weather is mostly aweful but I have to say that it is my home and I love it there. Coming "home" to Sweden made me realize that. I could move back here though, if I had a reason. Home is where the heart is, right? My heart is where I feel safe and happy - with Maria. My family of choise.

Of course I feel safe and happy with my family of blood as well. I love Kajsa - and Nils and Astrid and Elis - so much.

So all is well. I'm enjoying the last bit of summer, enjoying some FFF-work (mostly sorting e-mails and trying to get ahold of Lars), enjoying life. Enjoying the freedom that I can see now.

I can't wish that I never fell for you. I can't. Even though thoughts of you cloud any sunny day I can't wish we hadn't met. I guess you think about it though.

I remember what you said that night, when we where standing on that bridge, watching bats fly back and forth over the water.

I miss you. I keep on hoping.

home

I feel at home. It's a bit strange to feel this totally comfortable in a place where you actually are a stranger. I remember how I felt the last two or three months in Sweden, and it wasn't very good. Here is good.

Blogthings

This is not a filmblog, or a bookblog, or a sportblog. But it seems like people read it anyways. Wich kind of makes me want to write better. And more.

Right now I am not at work, despite the fact that it is half two on a monday. I am off today, wich is great. So I'm at a internet cafe at Barrack, hanging around while my company is reading hockey blogs.

I have moved! To Vicar street! With Sara and Maria and I love it. Yesterday I made mom's lemon and terragon chicken, and it felt very much like home. Not only home, but a home. Mine.

Meanwhile, at "home", in Sweden that is, which is of course "home" although Cork feels more like home after just a couple of months, my new baby sister is born. Since friday I have two sisters instead of one. Which is a miracle and I love them both eternally. (Yes, okay, I love my brothers too.) Of all the people in the world, these are the most inportant to me. All four of them.

My stubborn cold seems to slowly subside, my painfull tooth is still painful but not as bad, and my visitor is making me happy. It has been a very good weekend, even though most of saturday was spent moving. I have new shoes, new jeans, the Alien quadrology and the first season of Monthy Pyton's Flying Circus. (And for all this I spent € 30. Wow like.)

Sweeny Todd was good mostly because of exelent music and the fact that Depp was a much better singer than I would have thought. But Burton will have to be a little more than just Burton to impress. Just doing the same thing with the same actors over and over again does not make me happy, even though I count myself as a Burton fan. I wonder what he will make of Alice. It is a book that I adore, but the film is based on the computer game. Starring Sarah Michelle Gellar as Alice, returning to Wonderland many years later. I must admit that I am highly sceptical. Well, I'll have to wait about a year to find out if Burton is still able to surprise me, and if he is good enough to direct Gellar into a mentally challenged Alice.

Another version of the truth

Allright, I've been a bit lousy on updating recently, but not much has happened. Not to me anyways. Ida has been promoted and Hannah is going to move to another department and a friend of Sara's is coming to work with us, we did'nt play football, the week was kindof slow and stressy at the same time, watched some movies... Nothing interesting.

The weekend had some more action though. Me and Sara are looking for a house. Friday was insane, afterwork and rum and not very much food and interesting people. Very interesting. One very interesting person even, but more about that at some other time.

Saturday was Buffynight and the hangover from hell, and sunday has been nice with anime and chilli.

And tomorrow is back to work again.

But I'm moving away from my beloved jacuzzi, my beloved friend mr. Dead Rat who will obviously never be removed from the back yard, beloved leaky ceiling, beloved no heating, beloved builders stealing stuff... Wich feels good.

So yeah. Now for some more anime, then home to the jacuzzi.

Saint Elsewhere

So yeah, anyways, I don’t know if I’m lost or free, or maybe both. Gone maybe. Gone and lost forever.

A twister came along and took me away from my old life, there’s no place like home? What is home? Me and the french guys found a simple and beautiful truth; home is where the mother is. But mine is moving away. If home is where the heart is my home has to be right here, because a little bit of my heart I still have, and spread all around the world as well, with all the people I love, and all the places. This sounds true. But can home be somewhere where you've never been? Or somewhere where you don't know anyone?

My house doesn't feel like a home. Cork isn't my home. And I don't think it will be. But I call it home. Will that make it home?

Home. Safety. I prefer freedom over safety, over control, over anything else in the world.

Exept maybe love, but I don't know for sure.

Is anything as lovely to me
as the truth in love?
I'll take it over freedom
any day
-David Eugene Edwards

I don't know much at all. There is one truth, one that I know and believe, and that is that control is a trap. Control is a good way of fooling yourself, nothing else. You cannot truly control anything at all.

Beauty and creativity and love can only come from chaos, never from control. Freedom lies in chaos, captivity in control and safety. Of everything I beleive, wich is a lot, this is the one thing I beleive in the most. This is what I know.

Parts of this text has also been published in my other blogthing/webdiary at Helgon.

being a settler

Sooo. (As the Irish say all the time. Or Okey sooo.) Today is my third day at work. We are a great team of new people, there's seven or eight of us, most french but not all. Today we are learning about cordless phones. I find it more interesting than I expected. I realized yesterday that my job will be making people happy. That's a good thing. Helping them with technical difficulties yes, but by doing so and doing it in an as proffessional way as possible also making them happy. Brightening up their day a little bit.


Anyone feel like visiting? Than bring me Kalles Kaviar, a cheesecutter (osthyvel) and pages for my filofax in Swedish. Thank you.


I dream weird stuff. Last night I dreamt I was a man and my name was Ikaros. (I wasn't a Ikaros och the Ikaros, it was just my name.) I wore a white mask. Something happened that forced me to learn to fly. It was dark and it hurt to fly, I had no wings, just my own will. It was hectic, the birchtrees around and then below me like shimmering shadows moving quickly in the dusky light. Then I woke up.


Yesterday I looked at a room. It was extremely small and very expensive. Today me and three others (Nicolai from Denmark, Gael and Axelle from France) are looking at a house.


I'm also going to get a bankaccount.


Food here is really expensive! There are no cooking facilities at the b&b so it's fastfood (expensive and disgusting) or sandwitches.

It's like I died and went to Ireland

Okay, today I haven't done much. Watched tv, went out, followed my gutfeeling and found a really nice little pub. There are lots of foreigners here, I don't know why. People from Italy, Russia, Spain, Sweden, Poland, France... And the Irish speak their own language a lot of the time. So it feels like English just happens to be a language that most people know a bit of, not the language of the place. Not the primary one, just the one people communicate in.

I realized my batterycharger for my cell (wich is actually called mobile here) does'nt work here. I have to find some kind of converter. (Or just a new phone, cause I probably have to anyways.)

Now I'm going back to my b&b. Tomorrow I start working and I have to find a place to stay quickly.





Reading: Gaiman's American Gods, finally. Thanks to Joakim who lent it to me. It's great.