Obsession with the past

I was looking at my Facebook memories (as I do every day) and realized that nine years ago today I woke up next to someone else's partner. I made some fucked up choices after drinking tequila at a party in the house I shared with two amazing ladies in Cork, Ireland. Those choices changed my life. I have no idea how my life would look today if it wasn't for that night. I don't know what made me feel drawn to that dude, why I made the choice to go to bed with him. I don't remember much of the party, or what happened in my bed (more because of the nine years since it happened than because of the tequila I think, but I'm sure both had an effect). I remember the song that was playing on repeat inside, I remember that we were standing outside, smoking, and everyone else went inside. I remember one of my housemates asking me the next day why that guys shoes where in the hallway when she woke up early in the morning. (Or maybe went to bed early in the morning?)

I fell for him, a very stupid "love", a toxic relationship without future or reason or logic. We were drawn to each other by some kind of undeniable force and we let it happen, we hurt each other and others, everything was dramatic and serious and stupid and... ugh. It drained the happiness from my life.

He moved to Sweden. He got married. And he kept writing to me, "refusing to become a memory" as he said. The idea of being adored was just too sweet. I tried to move on, I don't think I answered his emails but I don't know. Maybe I did. I don't remember. I knew even then that he was using me to feel special, more than anything else. I knew on some level. But unfortunately it didn't help, I still wanted nothing as much as I wanted him.

He and his wife separated. He contacted me and wanted to see me. I came running. So stupid. We became a real couple, finally, after years of stupid f*cking drama. I moved back to Stockholm and we lived together. It was never good. He never wanted it to become real, everyday, ordinary. That was all I wanted. I never really got it. It was a couple of years wasted. Terrible f*cking years. He was mean, and manipulative, and he didn't love me. Not at all. I think he wanted to keep me around because it was comfortable, I cooked and cleaned and payed for most of our food and furniture and clothes for his kids, so that he could spend his own money on fun stuff.

I loved his kids so much. So much that when I knew I should have left long ago I couldn't. I couldn't leave them. I couldn't leave them with him.

Then he started isolating me from them, cutting me off from them. And there was no reason for me to stay at all anymore.

Surprisingly the kids' mother contacted me when we broke up. I had not been allowed to talk to her. (!) We became friends. And I could see the kids. I still love those kids so much. And I love their mom. But I don't really think about their dad anymore.

Me and the kids' mom started comparing things that he had told us and very soon realized that there was a huge discrepancy. He had been lying, about everything, all the time. Everything. I didn't actually know anything about him at all.

Breaking up from someone who has spent years breaking you down is a pretty big deal. At the same time I had a lot of stress at work - a LOT of stress. A recipe for success, if by success you mean burnout and a depression that had been building up since that one night, nine years ago. That depression is still present in my life but at least that dude is not! The kids and their mom are though. And I'm happy about that. When I told her that her ex husband had been cheating on her with me she just hugged me. I was crying a lot. I love her. And I love her kids. And now I'm living in a different county again, and I miss them, but I'm so happy they are in my life.

I wonder where my life would have taken me if that night never happened. Who I would have been.

New year

Same old lactose intolerance. Note to self; don't buy the cheapest cheese. Because it is not naturally lactose free like most cheeses that have been aged like a month or something.

On the other hand I got some super awesome gifts this Christmas! Me and Chris spent it with his family in England, vegetating on sofas for most part of a three week vacation. It was wonderful.

And it's equally wonderful to be back home. Where clothes are optional. And where tap water is drinkable (if slightly more rich in lime (not the fruit) than I thought was even possible).

We finished season three of x files and I watched season one and two of black sails. We're watching parks and rec (we're at the end of season four I think).

We started a couple of art projects together.

Life is pretty good.

Overload!

Jag har verkligen ingen aning om vart jag är på väg men allt går i vågor och jag blir mer och mer sugen på IVÄG! bara. Sökt jobb på ett kryssningsfartyg i västindien. Sökt en massa på Irland och i England, och alla servitrisjobben som jag var på väg att söka i Lund och Malmö känns plötsligt helt sjukt ointressanta.

Det här gör mig pepp. Min dygnsrytm är åt helvete, käpprätt åt helvete, så åt helvete så att jag nu, tjugo i tre, sitter och äter frukost. Jag har i alla fall lyckats tygla mina facebookjunkieimpulser. Det är fortfarande så mycket att göra så att min hjärna kollapsar, imploderar, vägrar fungera. Jag försöker strukturera min vardag men oftast får jag inte mycket gjort. Jag har ingen plan, jag vet inte riktigt hur man gör för att få struktur. Men det känns som om jag är på rätt väg.

Flera dagar i rad nu har jag bara helt enkelt inte riktigt gjort det jag borde. Det viktigaste har jag gjort. Men jag har inte ringt alla de samtal jag borde ringa. Borde ha ringt för länge sedan.

Inatt drömde jag märkliga drömmar. Idag är jag oförklarligt lycklig. Kanske har med musiken att göra. Jag har övergivit Sr klassiskt/världen, radiokanaler som mest blir bakgrundsljud efter ett tag, som bara tystar tidens sus och inget mer. När man lyssnar på musik man väljer själv blir tidsflödet mer påtagligt. Man kan inte bara koppla bort världen på samma sätt. Just nu: Lamb, Tyskarna från Lund, Nin, Chris Cornell, Benassi, Gnarls Barkley, blandat eighties på youtube, en massa annat.

Behöver göra musik! Behöver vara kreativ! Behöver skriva (no shit), måla, städa (jag älskar att städa), sjunga... Läsa, lyssna på musik... Jag är glad. Men jag har inte egentligen tid att sitta och må bra, jag måste göra allt det viktiga först och kreativiteten bara dör. Jag försöker alternera men det blir inte samma sak, just nu behöver jag isolera mig och vara hysteriskt skapande. Går tyvärr inte. Får ventilera lite på den här satans meningslösa bloggen. Vem vet, en vacker dag kanske det kommer vara intressant för någon att läsa allt mitt dravel.

Dear Buddha, I want a pony and a plastic spaceship.

Nej, jag vet inte riktigt om det är så han säger med det är nåt sånt. Jag är glad.



Lyssnar på: Lamb - B-line, Tyskarna från Lund - Party Planet, Benassi - Who's your daddy/Able to love. Pepp!
Läser: Winterson igen, Passionen. Har faktiskt läst två hela böcker för första gången på mycket länge, Rävungen och Tigerungen av Torey Hayden. Barnpsykologiska fallstudier.
Skriver: Skissar mentalt på ett rollspelsäventyr för World of Darkness, grundreglerna utan tillägg. Sent artonhundratal, deckar/noir/absurt ungefär. Skriver lite på någon liten planlös historia bara för att få lite utlopp.
Annat: Funderar på min kostymering inför helgen. Har några olika uppslag, funderar på att göra en mask. Blev lite inspirerad av the Labyrinth som jag såg lite av igår, bland annat maskeradbalsdrömscenen. Vill ha med löv nånstans också.

(Kolla! Det var ju precis det här som var tanken med den här bloggen från början! Det skulle ju vara en kreativitetsblogg!)