8

Been cleaning my room for like two days, so that it now resembles a merely regularly messy room instead of the half packed chaos it was last week.

Okay, maybe a bit messier than a regular messy room. (All my make up is in order though!)

I've been polishing an old unfinished piece of jewelry.

I've finished watching "The Legend Of Korra".

I've epilated my legs. Oh yes. Really. I had given up completely on keeping my leg hair short but this guy for some reason makes me silly!

I really haven't gotten enough done in the workshop though, and that really bothers me. Maybe tonight.

Now I'm off to eat pancakes!

The Magicians

"The magicians is to Harry Potter as a shot of Irish whiskey is to a glass of weak tea" George RR Martin said, according to the back of the book.

No. The Magicians is like a wine-fueled hangover, complete with regrets and misery and sex and awkwardness, plus REAL MAGIC, which isn't really much fun. It's painful and exhausting and powerful and very difficult. In comparison Harry Potter feels like a silly colorful children's book.

The fact that the characters (well, Josh) keeps making sarcastic jokes about Harry Potter is a sweet detail in this amazing web of people growing into bitterness and acceptance and adulthood.

On top of everything the language is absolutely beautiful.

You should read it.

All of the drama

It's cold and wet and late. Walking back to Tindra and Oscar's place through the neighborhood that used to be my own, memories from one year ago wash over me like shadows. I'm seeing double.

A year ago I lived here and all these people where a part of my life. I saw them every day, cooked for them, laughed with them, had fights with them.

Staggered home drunk with my best friend, spent long days in bed with him, watched lots of movies, made chilies, drank rum.

I see all these things when I walk here. I see myself taking the kids to day care, I see me and J making drunken snow angels, I see us looking out at the ships singing "lillith victoria!"

Tonight it really hurts to remember all the good times I had with J. The painful memories of summer had just begin to fade into the distance and all the nice memories where the ones that I kept. But as one problem gets solved another got un-solved.

And now, again, after I thought we had gotten through all the crap, he tells me that he doesn't want to see me for some time. Or really keep in touch. After all the shit we went through together, after all the energy we both put into our friendship.

Jealousy is a fucking stupid thing. It's not logical, it's not useful, it's just a need to control others. It's fear pretending to be love. It's wanting to rule. It's selfish and destructive.

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate.

He's still my friend. But he's not the same person.

Wholly chao

At times like this my stuff feels like a part of who I am, parts of my life. And I am in chaos, surrounded by chaos and I know nothing but chaos. There is nothing but chaos inside me.

My belongings own me. I feel like I carry every single thing that I own. It's heavy. It makes me frustrated. It makes me feel trapped. There are so many things, there is so much to remember, so much to deal with.

I know nothing.

So scared

Scared to death. Everything is just too much. I don't know how to deal. Everything was wonderful and then everything was horrible and cold and dark and I don't know what to do. I can't stand people. I can't pack my stuff. I can hardly breathe.

Everything makes me cry. I feel totally empty.

Fuck shit up

I've been kicked out of my home. Because of lies, rumors and deceit. Fun stuff.

Crazy days

Wise guys realize there's danger in emotional ties!

But what is life without danger? Not an adventure. And life should be an adventure.

Avoiding danger is just being a coward.

It seems I have a boyfriend. It feels strange to explain to people that I love someone whom I have never actually met, but it feels very wonderful to call him mine. He is amazing and I don't feel like we've never met. We've just never actually been at the same place at the same time. I love him madly and ... he loves me. It's wonderful. I can't imagine that someone like him could be - is - in love with me.

I'm very happy.

The last few days has been so intense and crazy and fun.

I have been to parties, chased a thief, met old and new friends, had lots of good food, tasty drinks, spent a lot of time texting my boyfriend, met the most wonderful short people in the world, had cake and so many hugs.

Now I'm finally home and back in my bed.

Home in my room, at school. Not home where my heart is. My heart is in Texas. I never thought that my heart and my home would be in Texas, but life is an adventure. It's amazing.

Wet and cold

It's been raining and snowing. The weather is the kind of wet, icy cold that gets you whatever you're wearing.

I feel sorry for our nude model. But drawing nudes is lots of fun so that makes the day much better than it would have been otherwise.

In other news I'm insane. I'm totally crazy mad about that sweet wonderful person in Texas. I've never fallen in love over the Internet before and it's strange and a bit scary but wonderful.

Crisis

Okay so. Everything has pretty much fucked up. Totally.

It feels like falling out of a roller-coaster, or having everyone you love and trust turn against you, or getting in a car accident on a road you drive every day and think is safe. And beautiful and fun.

This week has been a fucked up week. I started out pretty happy but on Tuesday I found out that I cause huge problems to the people around me. Why was unclear but is now clearer.

Since then I haven't been able to do anything but cry and sleep a chemically induced sleep. Last night I decided that I won't let this keep me down. I'm strong and my heart is whole and I will get through it.

This morning a couple of things happened that made my resolve weaken but then some other things happened that made it stronger again. (The first thing was someone I trust who told me that... Well, pretty much that I was slightly mentally disabled and had to move out, or else everyone else in the house would. The second one was a lovely Texan who got so mad that he actually started saying "y'all".)

When the going gets tough, I also get tough. When the wind gets cold I knit a new hat. I'm going to get through this, one way or another. Even though it feels really hard right now.

nocturnal

You push through into my dreams, thoughts of you in the most bizarre contexts.

I wake up in the middle of the night and the house is alive, people are cooking and talking and I sit and eat and talk, and then they fall asleep and I stay awake. Reality get's a bit softer.

I hear sounds through the music in my headphones but when I take them of there is only silence.

I dream of harmony in chaos, sex and food, mad priests and love.

New York, New York

So somehow everything I read at the moment seems to be about New York. Comics, books. I feel like I'm half there, in the city that has everything. Big and small lives in a tangle.

Rules of Civility by Amor Towles is a wonderful story set in 1938. It's shimmering like dusty diamonds, ice and cigarette smoke. Vibrant and gripping.

Octopus Pie by Meredith Gran is a funny and harsh comic about a group of people. I can't really say much more but there's a lot. Magical adventures, drunken mistakes, worries about love and money and drugs and cats.

Johnny Wander is another comic, by Ananth Panagariya and Yuko Ota. It's a biography-comic I guess? They make it about their life. It has cats and coffee and everyday stuff. It's very sweet and well made.

I love travelling and I dream about it all the time but NY is a city I never really found fascinating. It seems to have a magical magnetism but it never really gripped me. It seems too large and noisy and, well... I don't know. Not interesting? I dream about New Orleans and San Fransisco and ... Canada. I want to go back to Hawaii. Or... I don't know. The last year or so all travel has been so stressful that I hardly want to leave my room. I want to be here. I want to be here until june and then I want to get on a plane and go to Houston. And try to not totally freak out.

Oh!

I had a couple of really great weeks! Parties and lots of talking to a Texan on Skype and getting some stuff done in school (uhm not actual assignments but still). Managed to start getting to bed on time and almost getting out of bed on time as well. Stayed pretty active and stuff. Watched Adventure Time.

Fun!

Why wait

Sometimes I get a feeling that everything is completely fucked and we have absolutely no reason to put anything off. We're all gonna die sooner or later.

And when I get that feeling I love life so much. And I smoke cigarettes and drink coffee and smile.

Anyways I'm gonna save up my money and do stuff. I'm gonna talk to people I love and I'm gonna make sure that cute guy comes to visit. I'm gonna get rid of shit I don't need and save the good stuff.

Fuck everything. Forget everything. Love everything.

Arr!

Först och främst en liten rant: förrförra terminen tog jag inte tillräckligt med poäng. Jag hoppade av matten. Men jag fick fullt studielån. Så när jag inte tog alla poäng jag fått cash för så blev csn arga och krävde tillbaka pengarna (via ett så kallat återkramsbrev. Men egentligen var det ett krav, inte en kram). Så nu betalar jag nästan sexhundra spänn i månaden till dem. (Det är ok, jag får skylla mig själv som fan.)

I alla fall! I fredags, när jag fick cash, upptäckte jag att min dosa till internetbanken var trasig. Jag hann inte till banken innan den stängde, och jag har inte hunnit dit förrän igår. Nu har jag i alla fall en ny dosa och jag har betalt alla mina räkningar. Förfallodagen på flera av dem är idag, så jag har ringt till Comhem och Lkf och sagt att inbetalningen kanske blir någon dag sen eftersom det förmodligen tar ett par bankdagar för pengarna att överföras. Comhem och Lkf kvittrade snällt att de skulle fixa så att det inte gick ut någon påminnelse och att jag skulle ha en trevlig dag.

Alla jag har pratat med på Csn har alltid vart väldigt trevliga och tillmötesgående. Men idag fick jag prata med en klassisk evil bitch from hell. Så jävla otrevlig! Jag sa att jag hade haft lite trubbel med min internetbank men att räkningen nu var betald. "Betalar du via autogiro?" Jag förklarade allt en gång till. Hennes reaktion var att bli jättesur och förklara nedlåtande att förfallodagen var idag, och att pengarna skulle vara inne idag. Jag förklarade problematiken en gång till, och påpekade att räkningen var betald men att det var möjligt att den kom in någon dag för sent. Hon förkarade för mig att det kunde ta någon bankdag innan pengarna kom in till dem. Vid det laget skrattade jag nästan. Hon sa att hon inte kunde göra något över huvud taget åt det ifall det gick ut en påminnelse till mig, men att det inte skulle innebära någonting. Lugnad frågade jag "Nähä, så påminnelsen leder inte till något?" "Jo, du får betala hundratjugo kronor." "Men då innebär det ju att jag får betala?" "Ja." She fails to make sense.

Jag sa till henne att alla andra var mycket mer tillmötesgående, och hon sa nej. Jag förklarade att alla andra jag ringt till eftersom mina räkningar blev försenade hade varit jättetrevliga och fixat det. Hon sa nej. Jag blev lite perplex och förklarade hela situationen en gång till. "Men nu är det så här, och det kan varken du eller jag göra något åt." Jag gav upp. TILL SLUT sa hon att det ändå tog fem dagar innan påminnelsen gick ut, och innan dess skulle förmodligen min inbetalning vara inne.

Shit pommes.

And now for something completely diffirent: jättetrevlig kväll igår! Pluggade franska hos mamma hela dan, köpte blommor till min superfina fransalärare, skrev franskaprov (det gick sådär. Bättre än vad de brukar göra) och gick sedan ut med en massa fina människor och drack några öl. Vissa drack för många öl. Mitt humör var lite skiftande men all in all var det jättemysigt.

Nu ska jag hem till mamma och lägga en finishing touch på mitt extremt försenade engelskaarbete, sen ska jag ha engelska, sen ska jag jobba. Imorrn ska jag till Hässleholm, och sen ska jag ha fest! Ost och vin-fest. Fina människor. Kanske lite paj. (Men först stääääda.)

Och jag har Urkult-biljetterna! Tjoho! Tack Robin!

Yeah. Puss.




Lyssnar på: Sr Världen. Något balkan-ösigt.
Läser: John Steinbeck - The Grapes of Wrath


-----edit-----
På mammas inrådan ringde jag till Csn en gång till. Jag fick prata med en jättetrevlig tjej som sa att om jag hade betalat idag så skulle det synas hos dem imorgon eller senast måndag, och det var ingenting att oroa sig för. Samtalet tog ungefär trettio sekunder, till skillnad från det förra som tog kanske fem minuter. Tänk så lätt livet kan vara.