One cigarette

I smoked a cigarette and talked a bit to a classmate and made a decision.
I feel a bit better now. Not good, but a little better.
I'm trying to cheer myself up by thinking about the person that I love. Who loves me back. Like a light in the darkness.

The pain

Raging storms of emotions. Hungry and tired and sad. Hands are shaking. Nightmares and memories haunt me, make me feel sick.
Don't want to do this diet thing anymore. Want bread and coffee and cigarettes. Now.
I think actually today is a day when I actually do smoke a cigarette.

Oh my GOSH

I want a cigarette SO BAD.
And coffee. My head hurts. I'm starting to feel a bit more awake now than I did before. Trying to design jewellery.

FUCK YOU DEPRESSION!

IMMA KICK YOUR BUTT! YEAH!

But I don't really know how yet. I called my doctor today. School is back on, easter break over. Still no cigarettes though I was close today and no coffee. I feel a little bit less sleepy today than usual.

I have been drinking at least one cup of coffee every day for years. Not sure how many, six maybe? At least six. Maybe seven. Every day. Today is maybe my tenth day without coffee. And it feels pretty good.

People ask why I stopped drinking coffee (in Sweden that's almost a faux pas) and even though there's a pretty long explanation I feel a bit perplex. Why the hell not?

Now I'm gonna go eat chinese food with the nerds.

Morning soon

Hello bots.
I slept all day so now when its night I can't sleep at all. I miss coffee and cigarettes. I miss my boyfriend. He sucks at texting and it makes me upset. But just for a little while.

rebirth

So to try to do something about my depression I decided to start by changing some habits. I'll tell you about them.

Today:

• No coffee, one cup of black tea
• No candy or sugar (except for small amounts of added sugar in my food since I don't want to throw out stuff I bought just a couple of days ago...)
• lots and lots of water
• workout

The plan for the close future is a cleanse, which will start in a couple of days and which will be HORRIBLE. In no way am I going to try to kid myself that it will be easy or in any way fun. It's gonna suck. It consists of mostly broth and nutritious drinks but also allows some vegetables. Gonna try to stop smoking and I think that will be fine, it's the coffee that's difficult. Coffee is the main reason why I'm not doing the cleanse thing right away. I'm gonna try to be a bit kind to my body and do stuff gradually. So a day or two of tea before caffeine is totally out. 

Now I'm gonna start by cleaning my room. A clutter-free environment might help give me a clutter-free mind.

-----edit--------

Okay, I think Emelie might have shared her cold with me after all, or it's caffeine withdrawal, but I think no workout. I feel dizzy.