comfort and chaos

I'm still in moving limbo. It's pretty crappy but Chris makes it bearable. I'm super sensitive and unbalanced, just waiting, in mental transit. In a few weeks I'm getting my furniture and in a couple of months the last of my stuff. It's going to be amazing having (almost) all of my stuff in one place! For the first time in years!

Right now the thing I'm looking most forward to is getting my hand carders. They are in Stockholm right now, since more than two years. Then I'll be able to blend fibers on my own! I miss spinning so much, I've used up all the fibers that I had. Or all the fibers that I can spin on my homemade Turkish spindle. It's super light weight, made from a chopstick and some plastic from a juice bottle. I have some silk and bamboo tops but I want to blend it. And I have some super rough wool roving that I bought at the viking market in June but there's no way I can spin that on my spindle... need a "real" weighted spindle for that, and hopefully the one I own is among the things in Stockholm too. And if it isn't I recently treated myself to a wooden Turkish spindle! Really looking forward to that delivery!

Alright, I don't know if any of my readers know anything about spinning. If you do, there's some photos in my Instagram feed, @monsterkittie.

Nothing

It hurts. I look desperately for a sliver of hope, some kind of proof that you care, that you realize how badly you fucked up, that you feel bad.

But all I find is more broken promises.

manx mists

So I'm still at IoM and I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. Being sick always makes me sad. But yesterday Maria and I went to like three different towns and bought some yarn and a new hat and some other small things that I could almost afford so I feel a bit giddy over my new hat and... yeah! Stuff! Owning physical things induce happiness! Scary but true. 

Another thing that makes me really happy is this whole new "two boyfriends" deal. It's pretty frackin awesome, let me tell you. I can see what people might think, that it's wrong or not as special or whatever but these two relationships are extremely different and might also not function without each other. I love two dudes. And I love a whole bunch of other people too. But these two dudes I love more than just like friends and they both love me back. I can't not smile when I think about it. And they both love me enough to be okay with me having the other. That's pretty much love from pretty open minded and amazing people. 

The fact that one of them lives in Denmark and the other in Texas definitely makes it easier. I live in Sweden. But the Danish one lives like an hour away. So the intimacy I miss from having a long distance relationship isn't a problem anymore and the stability that I want I still have. None of these relationships really lack anything - not more than any other relationship does - but when I have both I have everything I could possibly want, more than one relationship could possibly provide.

I feel very lucky.

Day... What?

11:35
I'm up before noon. My jaw is even better today. I'm going to Houston in 61 days. Life doesn't feel so meaningless today.
I talked to Maria last night and she's the sweetest person. Just talking to her always lifts my mood, even if its about silly things or nothing at all. It's impossible to feel lonely or unloved with a friend like her.
Today I'm gonna be alive. I think I've slept enough.

11:44
Whoa! I actually feel... ! I feel things. No apathy at the moment! WOOOOOOOO

13:12
So I had a few sandwiches with cheese for breakfast. Tiredness came back. Ugh.

Morning soon

Hello bots.
I slept all day so now when its night I can't sleep at all. I miss coffee and cigarettes. I miss my boyfriend. He sucks at texting and it makes me upset. But just for a little while.

6

Reading online comics about trying to figure out stuff like sexual orientation and labels and self image and stuff like that, realizing I'm very very lucky to have a mother who never ever tried to pressure me into any sort of label or system or anything else. I don't have a definition of my sexuality and I don't want one. I feel uncomfortable trying to fit into any label, even "harmless" ones like bisexual.

I don't want any labels at all. I'm perfectly fine just being me.

If you feel like you absolutely have to, go with something like this:

• woman
• creative
• chaotic
• loving
• anarchist
• feminist
• beautiful
• young

Thanks mom, for giving me a solid trust in who I am. I can have problems with my looks, I can feel bad about my weight or my difficulty to handle economy, but I never felt any need to label myself for anyone else. I know that that stuff is 100% my own business.

SO yesterday I was gonna spend all day in the workshop but I ended up cleaning a lot and then going to systemet and having dinner with a friend.

I fell asleep around ten, fully dressed with my contacts in. 

But today is a brand new day and I moved my laptop to my desk again! First time in a couple of months actually. Since I started leaving my cam on over night. 

Six days. Exactly. Right now, in six days, I'll be kissing my boyfriend for the first time. It's the strangest thing. 

Now I'm going to make another cup of coffee, then go up to the design classroom for a short visit and then to the workshop where I will hopefully be staying all day. Might bring sandwiches? Hmm.

Six days.

well

It's sad. It is more sad than I am. The situation. We where a pretty good couple, in my eyes. And of course I am sad as well, 'cause it was real nice, you know? But I think the concept of the couple was probably better than the actual couple, and I knew it wouldn't work, but it's still sad. It's sad because he was such a great guy and it was fun to have a boyfriend and I had fun with him. But then, I think he will be just as great as a friend, and it feels right now as though I wont be very sad in a week. Bit now I am. Now I feel like... Damn. He is so great. I am crazy about him. He is good looking and the sex is great and he has a great taste in music and I have fun with him. Right now all the things that made me realize that this wasn't ment to be feel distant and all his good sides stand out. But I knew that there was an end, and this end was still better than I had hoped, actually, because he was honest and brave and he could talk about it and be open and fair and... Yeah. I guess it's actually the best way it could end.

I still feel wierd about not texting him and not getting texts from him saying sweet things like "I haven't seen you for like two days! I miss you!" or stuff like that. I'll never fall asleep in his arms again, he'll never call me darling again.

I kinda know that the best things about him will still be there. I kinda know we'll be friends. And yeah... It's okay.

It's just that it was so nice, having a boyfriend. Falling asleep in his arms. Waking up when he comes back. I knew it would end. I just hoped it wouldn't be so soon.

It hurts. But not in the same way as heartbreak has felt before, and I'm sad about that too. I am - was - crazy about him but the pain does not make me break down the same way as it did... Before.

Listening to: My playlist, of course. (Witch ironically plays "Little Bit" by Lykke Li at the moment.)

scary stuff

Olof had a motorcykle accident on saturday and broke a vertebra, or a spinal disk. He's in the hospital now. It's a bit scary and I don't want to think about it.

Personally I had a wonderful weekend with my wonderful boyfriend who constantly makes me very happy. We saw Terminator Salvation and I really liked it and we went for a walk in the sunshine and we hung out and we had tea and we did stuff and it was good.

Now it's pretty late and I should bake a cake and take a shower but I'm tired and slow. At least I had dinner. Spagetti bolognese which wasn't as good as I usually make it for some reason.

And oh yeah, Maria comes back on tuesday, not sunday, that was just wishful thinking.

Listening to: Lot's of stuff, at the moment Stardust by Vince Giordano's Nighthawks but also a lot of Loudon Wainwright III and his daughter Martha Wainwright even though I can't get over the fact that some of Loudon's songs are probably about her, and it makes it a bit strange. I don't listen to Rufus Wainwright though, don't like him, or their mother, who is also a singer, named Kate McGarrigle. Most of all I listen to the record Rouge's Gallery.

news or something

So I'll be coming to Sweden in ten days - the eighteenth of june. With my boyfriend. (Getting used to the word a bit. Even more, feeling very happy about it. He is amazing. Enough cheesiness!)

Anyways there will be giveaways of stuff, as I have mentioned, and I want to see everyone and get drunk every night and go to the beach and have bbq's and whatnot, but it's mostly gonna be sorting stuff. So yeah, now I've said that.

Bought Pride and Prejudice and Zombies today and now I'm gonna read it.

Working nine to six this week and it's SWEET.

Listening to: Richard Cheese on Spotify.

travel

On the road again, pretty soon. But I'm just going to Lund. Or it's not so just, but I wont be going anywhere else. And woop! Joe is coming with me for a few days! We'll be arriving in Lund on the eighteenth and we'll be staying in my apartment. It feels great but I think it's gonna feel weird going back with no Ida here. She left today and I was crying most of the morning.

Been keeping busy reading webcomics like Girls with Slingshots and Hark, a Vagrant. I realized that there's a chance I like female comic artists better. I pretty much love comics, and there are lot's of male comic artists on my list of favourites, but the very very best ones often turn out to be women.

And then there's a crazy amount of crap. That's the nice thing about the internets. The crap. The unbelievable amounts of crap. And other stuff. I love finding pearls of niceness in the ocean of random bad and/or boring stuff. Haha.

Well, from the nineteenth this month and about a week forward I'll be giving away stuff, hugs, books, furniture, teacups, cd's, clothes, ducks, more stuff and some other stuff and accepting drinks, hugs and hangouts. You can't have my skiis though. I want to keep them. And a couple of other things. But apart from that, lot's of free stuff for pretty much anyone who shows up and grabs it! Yay! (Also you can spy on my handsome boyfriend.)

Also yeah not really getting used to that concept holy cow boyfriend? Wow. It's scary and awesome but mostly we have lot's and lot's of fun. Like the other day when we went to the beach and I hurt my foot. Uhm. Crappy anecdote yeah but it was a really good day. My foot still hurts.

Yeah scary stuff, boyfriends.


Listening to: Rachid Taha - Ida (by coincidence!)