mush

The last few posts has been written while falling asleep, so if they're incomprehensible that is the reason.

Now I am smartphone-less so now I'm writing on my laptop, still awake. But posting before bedtime is my thing now obviously so I felt like doing it today too.

I have silly, giggly, mushy feelings. They took me by surprise, snuck by my defenses, where suddenly just there. I didn't invite them and I felt pissed off and betrayed by my own feelings, but then I thought about it really hard for a few hours and decided that they weren't projections, not based on sexual frustration, not even imagined. They make me smile and it feels like ice running down my back from blinding fear. It's a confusing state of mind. But even if it never becomes anything real, if it dies before it's really come to life, it might be worth it.

I'm bloody terrified. I've had mushy feelings before and it always ends badly. I know it. If it ends tomorrow I'll be sad, and every day that passes will make that potential sadness stronger.

But he has this smile like you wouldn't believe. Stupid, stupid feelings. Drowning out my perfectly logical fear.

I really need to know what I'm missing before I decide to miss it I guess. I need to know if this is something. Maybe it is. Maybe it is something really good.

IN OTHER NEWS:

• I got a library card today. Yay me!
• I borrowed like five books. Sylvia Plath! Margaret Cavendish! Woo!
• The librarian actually purchased books that I wanted to read from the internet like it wasn't no thing.
• I watched Bee and Puppycat!
• I watched a couple of episodes of Utopia!
• I .. uhm... I thought this list was going to be longer. It felt like I did a lot of stuff today. I did do a lot of thinking inside my head so I guess that's a thing.
• Thoughts! Feelings! Wow!

Now it is supah late and stuff.

Heehee.

SPRING!

I love spring. I love the drunken feeling of life just bursting from the earth. Everything is singing, shouting with happiness. Winter is gone, SPRING IS HERE. Flowers and leaves and grass all sing. Birds sing. The earth sings drunkenly, in love.

I get this feeling when I ride my bike at night, this feeling of floating, a magical feeling with loud music in my ears and stillness all around me. No people. no traffic. Just this song from the earth, the air is thick with it. Like when you fly in a dream, you just focus every fiber of your being into this magical act, this one amazing leap off of the ground and you FLY.

In my dreams I flap my arms when I fly.

At night, on my bike, it's that same feeling. Surreal and powerful.

Spring is here. Life is bearable. Sometimes. At night, riding my bike through the darkness. If I was happy I would be very happy right now.

My boyfriends are both being nice. My friends want to hang out with me. The future doesn't feel like a wet wool blanket wrapping itself around me, covering my face, cold, wet, heavy, so heavy. The future might be okay.

Life is bearable. The night sings. I can breathe.

good night?

Today's been weird. I ate a cream based soup, once again forgetting about my lactose intolerance. My BFF turned 26 but had a kinda sad ending to her day. I drank coffee late in the evening and went almost hyper.

Now it's late and I feel lonely. I feel bad about feeling lonely. I miss my boyfriends. Both of them. Even though I love being in a polygamous situation it's still really new to me and I haven't really learned to navigate the waters yet. Like how much should or can I talk about one of them with the other? I'm scared of hurting them.

I feel lonely and cold. I love spending time with Maria though. It's wonderful to be here but sweet baby buddha it's cold!

Bedtime now. I have a bear hat and I wear it constantly. Tomorrow I'm going to DO THINGS. Go places. Eat stuff.

Goodnight.


Listening to: The Decemberists

manx mists

So I'm still at IoM and I'm feeling better both mentally and physically. Being sick always makes me sad. But yesterday Maria and I went to like three different towns and bought some yarn and a new hat and some other small things that I could almost afford so I feel a bit giddy over my new hat and... yeah! Stuff! Owning physical things induce happiness! Scary but true. 

Another thing that makes me really happy is this whole new "two boyfriends" deal. It's pretty frackin awesome, let me tell you. I can see what people might think, that it's wrong or not as special or whatever but these two relationships are extremely different and might also not function without each other. I love two dudes. And I love a whole bunch of other people too. But these two dudes I love more than just like friends and they both love me back. I can't not smile when I think about it. And they both love me enough to be okay with me having the other. That's pretty much love from pretty open minded and amazing people. 

The fact that one of them lives in Denmark and the other in Texas definitely makes it easier. I live in Sweden. But the Danish one lives like an hour away. So the intimacy I miss from having a long distance relationship isn't a problem anymore and the stability that I want I still have. None of these relationships really lack anything - not more than any other relationship does - but when I have both I have everything I could possibly want, more than one relationship could possibly provide.

I feel very lucky.

sick and self doubting on the isle of man

My BFF Maria invited me to her tiny kingdom/magical fairyland/island/home for a visit and the first thing I do is get a fever. I came here on friday and it's monday now and I feel so shitty for being sick. I know it's stupid but my feelings are stupid sometimes.

I'm wrestling a huge monstrosity of self doubt. I feel like I wouldn't have an original idea if my life was on the line. I'm a hack. I have no education and no goals and nothing. I fail at everything and I have these vain dreams that mean nothing at all. I'm never going to be anything.

Hopelessness wraps itself around me like a wet, cold woolen blanket. Why do I think I can be something? Why do I fool myself?

Ugh.

In other news I have two boyfriends now. Double loved but still self loathing. So stupid.

in the mythical country of "denmark"

So I'm in Denmark, a magical and special place where the currency is bacon and where you can smoke indoors. I'm spending most of my time here in a bed.

On my feet again

I'm managing. I'm doing okay. I don't want to be dead.

I try to keep busy enough to not have time to think too much but not so busy that I become an emotional cripple from stress. So I do one or two things every day.

Yesterday I met my mom for coffee, and managed to only cry a little bit. And I went on a date! With a guy from OkCupid. It was a lot of fun. I guess we clicked. Had so much to talk about that the hours just flew by.

Dating while in a relationship is a bit confusing, but when your boyfriend is amazing and also a wonderful friend it's not that bad. I don't want to break up with him. Not even after meeting other people who I really like being with.

I spent the night in Copenhagen which was fun and felt like an adventure. Having a different country 20 minutes away is funny. I'm hoping on having at least one night out in Copenhagen some time soon.

Dina came by and visited today and that was also great. Again time passed quickly which I think is a good sign. When I feel very sad time moves really slowly, whatever I'm doing.

Tomorrow I'm meeting an old friend for coffee at 11 so it's time I went to sleep. It's 02:00!

settled

I'm moving over to the IT helpdesk. On the first of december. Or, well, training starts then.

And today Ida came home from her two month vacation in the big world, and Hannah too.

And tonight there's a party at Fransiscan Wells for a lot of people who quit at the same time.

And tomorrow there's a party at some french guy's house and there's some going out going on but me and Maria are chillin' since we're doing our christmas cleaning this weekend.

And I'm still so tired I could sleep and work there is some drama and it makes me sad and more tired and other things make me tired as well... And work is slow and I am slow and sometimes I really want to have someone, but there's really no one here that I want.

Shake my ground

Life is more than just life. It's a situation.

Just tell me to stop hoping. Tell me it will never be. Tell me to stop wishing. Tell me to let go.

Yeah, dad, your right. Really. There is so much more to life than boys.

So: I cannot ******* believe Russia won the Eurovision. Sweden got one twelve and it was from Malta! Backstabbed by all of Scandinavia exept Denmark as well. It was fierce competition but Russia!?! That song blew! Why not Israel or France or even Spain!?! Or... Sweden? Even "Shady Lady" was better and I hated that song as well. Ukraine came in on second place second year in a row. How on earth could Sweden fall behind Iceland? And that insanely bad pirate song? Bosnia Herzegovina should have won. Or... Anything. But Russia. My god. Sweet lord candy jesus.

But for all my Swedish readers: the guy talking in Ireland (the equivalence of Pekka Heino that is) was insanely funny. Win.

Even Greece would have been better since I could imagine going to Greece (yes I do want to go to the final one day. It would be awesome). On the other hand, theres bound to be a huge party in Moscow.

In other news the local rugby team, Munster, won the Hieneken cup final against Toulouse tonight. The whole city has been hysterical about that. The Rebel Army and stuff.

I change my mind daily

Damn! I feel so unfocused. Sometimes everything is alright and sometimes it's not. Sometimes I'm very forgiving, sometimes I'm genuinely pissed off. I just realized something yesterday, something I told someone a while ago. Something like not wishing to return to what was. Not wishing to return to sporadic emails every now and then. Wishing to maintant a certain amount of contact. Some days (tha days that I actually get an email) it's ok. I forgive everything. Then, a few days later, it comes creeping. I miss him, and I feel dissapointed. Because what little contact we actually have now is less than we had when he had just moved to London and I was still in Sweden. Eventually I feel less irritated and just stop caring.

So I do my best to focus on the feelings I actually have for him. On how nice he is when we actually get to spend time together. That he cleans the coffee machine and brings me airport whiskey and how funny he can be. But it drifts of into the past, further off for every day. My focus shifts. I find new areas of interest. Even though I try as hard as I can not to.

Youre right, I do think too much. Way too much.

Strange land

Ireland. ”Summer”. Tricked. The sun was shining down on me so hard for a couple of weeks. Now; monsoon. Thanks a lot.

I'm feeling... Not great. I won't get my contacts, so I'll have to order them to my mom and ask her to mail them to me. Whatever, it probably wont take any more time than to order them here.

That kind of suits my mood though. What I want I can't have. It makes me sad. And generally a bit... moody. So if I'm not in a good mood, it's because of that. I'm not spoilt (not much anyways) but I just never get what I want. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. Whatever it is, it just... doesn't work.

borderline

Too much! Too much in my head right now.

It seems like I might be seeing pubbartenderguy (the one here in Cork that is) again... At least texting a lot. Talked a bit to the one in London over msn. The thing is that he makes me feel used. I trusted him with my feelings and got really nothing at all. I mean, I know that he has stuff in his life right now, but so do I and he does'nt seem to know about that.

There is people around me who see every little change in my mood though. Ok, I have extreme moodswings, but I'm really not used to having people around me who care enough to see how I feel.

So yeah, extreme moodswings. Been in a really good mood the latest couple of days. It might have been that the alcoholpoisoned sleep all saturday was the rest that I really needed, or that the really nice saturday night just revived my spirits, or that it's so great to live with Maria and Viola and Johan (although we miss Sara of course) or anything, I dont know, but most of the time I'm doing great.

Then I have lows, and they suck. But I get back on my feet, safe and protected in a social network that feels like the nicest thing in a very long while. Safe and protected without feeling caught or trapped or anything. Safe but free. So nice. I love you guys, if you read this.

It's summer now. Unfortunately my favourite skirt broke today. The pink fluffy flowers have mostly fallen and the city is green. More green than I would have thought a few months ago. I bought flipflops today and we had a picnic in peace park after work.

Sleepy time.

nothing more than...

Feelings? Words? My head is spinning and I can't make it stop. I worry that I scared Joe LondonBartenderDude off with my latest email. Havn't heard from him in a few days.

The weekend has been a bit insane, insane partying, intense. Friday I was on a mission to become as drunk as humanly possible, and I succeeded! A winner is me. The feelings did'nt go away though.

Saturday I was very hungover, but I managed to make it to the bbq party after all. It was a really sweet party. Live music and wonderful people. Eventually we went out to the Crane Lane, and after that an afterparty at Björn's. With more beer that any human could ever drink. (That's what happens if you give a large amount of money to an insane norwegian guy telling him to get beer. He added some more money and got ten times more beer that anyone would ever want or need.)

I have to admit that I don't regret sharing my thoughts.

the weather

It's warm here, like summer. Sun sometimes even. The water in the river changes quickly. I don't write this blog for anyone else but obviously people do read it.

Guys. They seem so confused. All of them. Often I know what I want. Not all the time, but a lot of the time.

Guys mostly seem to want you if you want someone else. If you actually like them they find something else to be interested in. Anything else. Maybe if I became a nun I would get dinner and a movie? (I never had dinner and a movie. I wish someone would ask me out to dinner and a movie. Maybe give me flowers. It would be knda sweet. Okay, I wouldn't want to carry around flowers all night, but still. And okay, the last time I was dating we actually went to the theatre and to a concert and stuff. Which is good, I guess.)

Oh whatever. Today I received an email from Joe LondonBartender. He was confused and I was to for a while. And I was sad for a while. And a bit angry. And then I decided that I mostly just miss him a lot.

Yesterday I had a celeb customer. Today I had a stupid customer. The most stupid maybe. Ever. (Norwegian of course.)

Time for bed. The neighbours are having a loud party.

go

Hello. We're back in business.

I try to go with the flow, keep on track, walk the line, keep it real, follow my heart, be true to myself and whatever, but I'm kinda down and it aint workin' too well for me right now. I feel feelings, and they are heavy, and I wish I could just put them down and rest for a while.

Today the taxi drivers had a protest. They drove around town honking their carhorns.

I feel kinda destructive. I don't know. There's so much different stuff going on, in my head and outside. I need a rest. Damn.

Well, if anyone has followed this blog, you might have guessed that I have a kinda complex relationship to guys. This is true. There are several that occur in the blog. To be kind to all of you I thought I might actually start to explain what's going on, so that the blog is interesting not only for people who know what's been going on in my life lately.

There's a guy I like, he lives in London, Iv'e known him for about seven months or something and I liked him all along. I guess he likes me as well. But we havn't been able to spend enough time together to actually... become something, something more than just two people who both do all they can to avoid every kind of recemblance to a relationship imaginable. But since I came here I've become so happy and mentally not-so-challenged as before, and I started to open up to the idea of maybe falling for someone. I am still extremely catious and it still mostly scares me shitless, but yeah, I dated. I never liked anyone more than that guy in London but I never thought he'd come around, so I dated, and most of the times it ended with bitterness, but not so hard, because I always had him on my mind.

Sometimes I thought that I was only using him as some kind of safety net, but I came to the conclusion that he would be a quite sucky net. He doesn't keep me safe, he doesn't catch me when I fall, but that's not why I like him either. I like him because of who he is, because of how he talks and because of his smile. And some other stuff, whatever. He knows about Ford Fairlane and Arizona Dream. He's really cool. Whatever.

I met someone else. A really charming guy. After seeing him for a few weeks I told the guy in London (let's call him Joe, for fun and simplicity) and his reaction was not really what I expected. (A funny thing is that both these guys are bartenders. One pours beer in Cork and think's that cocktail bartenders are stupid, and that there should be a penalty for spinning bottles, one spins bottles in London and thinks that pub bartenders are stupid and that pouring beer is the most boring thing in the world. I find this very amusing.) So this Joe person. He admits to feeling feelings. For me.

I was really happy, and let my contact with the other bartender die. I spent my nights awake, in front of my computer, talking to Joe on msn. After a while he came over. It was nice. We spent a lot of time in my room. He left me happy, full of hope.

When he came back to London he started a new job and I did'nt hear from him much at all. After some time, when I finally got to talk to him for a while, he told me about his plans, which included staying in London for a few months more, moving to Germany and then going to Asia for six months or something. This made me cry. I don't think he realized. The next day I explained to him that I really wished that he would choose me when I chose him. When he asked me to choose him. I think, maybe, he understood.

After that I didn't hear from him for a few days, untill today, when he sent me a short mail about the weather in London. I still don't really know how to react.

I miss him.

There is a heavy load of other stuff on me as well. My mom and Robin has been here, and left again. Johan/Afrika and Viola have both arrived and seem to be getting along with life and people and everything just peachy. The pub bartender and I are kinda getting in touch again. The seriousness of before is kinda gone though, after no contact at all for a few weeks.

So yeah, anyhow, I'm watching CSI, witch is fun, and commercials, witch are in Irish.

I'm frustrated, a bit angry, a bit sad. Not only because of the Irish commercials.

Oops

Again, a week flew by without blogging at all. I think you will survive, dear readers. So the week was quick. I was extremely tired after sitting up almost every night, talking on msn to this guy that I really like. So most days I was very tired. The weekend came, friday was fun, Shelbourne, Tom Barry's and Crane Lane. Met interesting people, had a good time. Ate tacofries. Fell asleep late, woke up after thirteen hours. Five in the evening. I cleaned the house a little and then we went to Ida and Hannah's place for cocktails... Many cocktails. And shots. We went out a bit to late, but found an afterparty. Not so much to say about it. Some of the girls might have done some silly things, but most of all we had a lot of fun. At least I did.

Today I have been extremely lazy. Woke up at eleven, have really not done anyting at all. I should continue cleaning. Really. But I'm so tired. I should make some dinner as well.

And oh yeah. He's coming here. It makes me happy. He makes me happy. I just really hope I can get a couple of days of when he comes.

So yeah, tacofries, tequila, high heels, party. Fancy hairdo. Lots of boys showed me a lot of interest. One emo-looking guy who always hang around trying to work up the confidence to talk to me actually managed to tell me he found me very attractive. Better then last time, when he told me he had seen me before, wich I find isn't a very good pickup line. It's a bit of a boost, to have those weekends where you just seem to look fantastic. You get drunk without making a fool of yourself. You receive compliments.

I think it's the shoes. Sara's high heels. My god. Best looking shoes ever.

My mind was elsewhere. No one caught my interest at all.

I'm importing people. Viola is going to start working at my job in may. It's awesome. Johan is going to be interviewed sometime this week.

Save the whole fucking world

Read! Do it!

Also, Im beginning to feel that it does'nt really matter what I choose. That I don't really have a choise. Things have changed and they cannot change back. And I realized that it makes me happy. And if I'm happy it can't be very wrong.

Reminds me

My god. My brain is about to explode. Filled with thoughts.

Iv'e been moved over to the Swedish team. But I'm still backup for UK and Holland. Iv'e got money back from tax, but I wont get it for a couple of months.

Tonight me and Sara are going to dinner at Eva's. It will probably be exellent since it will be roast lamb, wich I love.

I miss Amalie.

The sun is shining.

I keep thinking about a thing that happened almost ten years ago. The first time I really fell in love. I waited for this guy, for ages. He lived kinda far away, and several different things got in the way (him being sentenced was one). After about six months or so, I met someone else. I still had that other guy on my mind, a lot, but the guy I met was really nice. Of course, as soon as I was unavailable, the first guy realized that he had very strong feelings for me. He asked me to leave my new boyfriend and I was more than happy to. I was in heaven.

The distance made him loose interest in just a couple of months. We had a fight, but we made peace after a week or so, and he is still a very good friend of mine. I was very young, and healed quickly. (He still misses a finger though.)

Now time has passed. But history does repeat itself, does it not?

There's a reason

Actual several reasons, why I havn't been updating at all the latest few weeks. This is one of them. (And it is the coolest thing since sliced bread.)

The other reason is that I've been spending a huge amount of time thinking about stuff. Or boys, actually. I don't want to talk about it. (Of course I do, but not here. At least one of them reads this.)

And also, Iv'e been kinda busy. Easter has been crazy. Last week was crazy. I was off last monday for Saint Patricks. The Saint Patricks weekend was... A bit wet. I worked three days last week and then I was off four. On wednesday, a week ago today, we had Eva and Karl over for dinner. On thursday we went pubcrawling, it was Amalies going away party. We got her very drunk. (Read more about it here.) Friday I spent on the sofa, in bed and at James' place, eating hamburgers and icecream and watching movies. Very relaxing. On saturday Matthieu, one of the technical escalations guys, had his going away party, and that was also kind of crazy, and sunday was basically the same as friday. Hungover, movies, hamburgers, icecream. On monday we had a great big dinner! Nine people in our little kitchen! It was awesome. (Read more about that here as well.)

On tuesday I stayed awake for way to long, talking to someone far away. So today I am quite tired. And a bit confused. And, from time to time, a bit sad.

But mostly all is well. Apart from the fact that Amalie has left now. Her plane leaves from Dublin right about... now. (11.30 that is.)