Shitty shit

So today I found out that I won't be getting any money. I thought I was. The let down floored me and I went into some kind of suicidal stupor type of thing. I slept for five hours or so and woke up again around eight when my dad called.

Talking to him made me feel a little bit better and eventually I managed to eat some food and even make some hot chocolate. And I took a bath! And washed my hair! So living through this day and washing my hair and eating food; I must say that I'm impressed. Even though the thought of suicide was one of the things that got me through the day.

It's been a safety net for me for a few years now. When I have panic attacks or just feel insanely depressed I think about killing myself and I feel better. I don't know why but lately I've started being worried about how realistic those thoughts have become.

Ben has been kinda not awesome today but besides being a bit mad at him I just feel... well, nothing. I don't really care. I wish he would have been more present and supportive but he's not and I don't really care. My parents have been. And that's kinda surprising. I love them.

in the land of faraway

Wow, dad, of all the things to focus on in that last post... I still can't invite anyone to Spotify. Further I can't even use it anymore. Just buy it if you want it.

So the weekend has been interesting and fun! Amalie is allways great to hang out with. 

Listening to: Leonard Cohen

second floor

Nightmares. Yes. But they actually contain other stuff. I dreamt I shot someone. In the head, four entering wounds in the back of the head and four exit wound in the forehead. Small wounds. He didn't die though. He fell to the floor and I ran away with the machine gun. And I turned back. And he smiled at me. Lying on the floor. Not a nice dream.

The dream about the parking lot was much better. And all the other dreams.

Today is not a good day. Endorfines can be helpful but I wish they would last longer. I wish a lot these days. I dream. I try to stop myself. The dreams hurt.

It's my birthday in a couple of days. I got an unexpected birthdaypresent from Henrik yesterday! Cluedo! My favourite game! He didn't really want it so when I asked if I could borrow it he just gave it to me. He is a nice person in my book now. So far, all the birthday presents that I got have been great.

Basically Iv'e only got one thing on my mind right now. Can't really stop thinking about it.

When I come to Sweden I am going to have my old mobile phone number, just so you know, all of you who will want to call me. I arrive in Sweden on the twentythird of august. At around two thirty in the afternoon.

Love you too dad.

Shake my ground

Life is more than just life. It's a situation.

Just tell me to stop hoping. Tell me it will never be. Tell me to stop wishing. Tell me to let go.

Yeah, dad, your right. Really. There is so much more to life than boys.

So: I cannot ******* believe Russia won the Eurovision. Sweden got one twelve and it was from Malta! Backstabbed by all of Scandinavia exept Denmark as well. It was fierce competition but Russia!?! That song blew! Why not Israel or France or even Spain!?! Or... Sweden? Even "Shady Lady" was better and I hated that song as well. Ukraine came in on second place second year in a row. How on earth could Sweden fall behind Iceland? And that insanely bad pirate song? Bosnia Herzegovina should have won. Or... Anything. But Russia. My god. Sweet lord candy jesus.

But for all my Swedish readers: the guy talking in Ireland (the equivalence of Pekka Heino that is) was insanely funny. Win.

Even Greece would have been better since I could imagine going to Greece (yes I do want to go to the final one day. It would be awesome). On the other hand, theres bound to be a huge party in Moscow.

In other news the local rugby team, Munster, won the Hieneken cup final against Toulouse tonight. The whole city has been hysterical about that. The Rebel Army and stuff.

Montage

Training montage: a group of young, confused foreigners, scattered in a room filled with combuters. As the days pass they learn about techsupport. About telephones. Cordlesss telephones. They become good friends.

Okay, its a boring montage, but training is finally finished. Tomorrow we start working for real. I think. (Or we might be sitting by another agent, listening in to calls.)

The talk of the town (okay, the company) is the big christmas party saturday. I'm looking forward to it. So is eveyone else.

Today we move - I hope. The people, the company or whatever they are, are driving us mad. They have given number ten to someone else. The builders did it obviously for some reason. So we could have number nine or number eleven, wich one did we prefer? And could we please send in more info? (Phone numbers, pps numbers and such.) Well, number eleven then. And we will send it later this afternoon. Ok?
No. Number eleven is not available. Will number nine be okay? And can we come into the office by four?
No, its not, but we don't have much choise, do we? And no, we cant, we work untill five.
So now I'm waiting for her reply. And I'm irritated. But we really have to move today, so what can I do?

Good news anyhow; I don't have to unlock my phone for Irish sim cards. It works anyways. Joy! So today I'm getting an Irish number.

Thanks Dad for your support. (& Mom for informing me that I actually have been to San Fransisco.)