Headache and anxiety

Sometimes the anxiety brings so much chaos into my mind. I try to control my thoughts but they rush in all directions, making memories that used to be good feel bad to think about and bad memories extremely painful. It's like being covered in bees and trying to not think about it. I can't not think about stuff, because whatever I think about makes me anxious. Whatever road I follow leads into darkness, fear and stress.

Teamed up with a headache it just takes all my spoons and throws them in the bin and charging new spoons take ten times as long as using them, even if I'm just using them to not scream hysterically. I have a broken battery. I wonder if there is any way out of this that I just haven't found out about or if "rest" is the only thing that I get to do for the rest of my life?

Rage, pain

When the screams make it out of my body. The screams that are always there, more or less loud inside me. When they break out, claw their way from my chest, through my throat, out of my mouth.

When I lose control.

When I drown in a stormy sea of pain and rage and the dark, salt water blinds me.

When bottomless sadness takes over, a darkness so thick and sticky that I can't breath. Self hatred and self loathing and self pity.

Imploding, exploding. At the same time. The pressure builds and builds until I'm completely obliterated. Until I scream. Until I can only scream. Until I can't not scream. Until the screams are all that's left of me.

I try to scream into a pillow, I remember all those times when I was a teenager and the police came when I had my episodes. I remember the bat that I kept in my room for beating on the bed with because I had broken so much stuff that I liked. I feel scared that the police are going to come again, that we'll lose our new apartment. But the fear doesn't make the screams go away. The blind hysteria. I scream into the pillow and try to stop, I try to get up, control myself. But I can't. I'm crying too much. I try to make sense of the situation in my head, I try to calm myself down. But the chaos grows. It grows and grows and grows and I have no way out and then suddenly there's something to hold on to.

There's something to focus on. The crying becomes normal crying. The screams leave me. I lie down and finally I can relax.

I focus on him.

Love hurts

But so do a lot of stuff.

Nothing

It hurts. I look desperately for a sliver of hope, some kind of proof that you care, that you realize how badly you fucked up, that you feel bad.

But all I find is more broken promises.

why?

It's 04:47. I keep waking up. I keep waking up but its still true, it has still happened, it keeps being real. I want so bad for it to be a just a nightmare but it keeps being real.

You keep having lied to me. It keeps hurting.

Reality hits you hard bro

And then when you're down it kicks you in the kidney and laughs.

Every now and then if I don't watch out the thought sneaks up on me, "I wish I was dead". But I try to block it out. Sometimes it's really really difficult.

I think about my mom. Mostly my mom. About science, that there is so much going on now, the future is here. That I want to see what's going to happen. Will we ever have hoverboards? Will we conquer world hunger?

I think about my two boyfriends. I think about Maria. I think about Kristoffer and my dad and my siblings.

I think about Tindra and her kids.

No one really needs me but some people would be extremely sad. People that I love. I can't break my promises to them. I can't hurt them. That stuff is bigger than me. I have to stay alive.

And now spring is here and I want to die in the winter so I guess I'll have to stay alive at least until next winter. (I do this to trick myself when it's really bad. Make up reasons to wait. It is a big decision after all and I would probably stay dead forever so I shouldn't rush it.)

Sometimes I think that eventually I'll die either way and after that it will be over. Wether it's been horrible for 3 or 30 years won't really matter after that.

Sometimes I look at a pigeon courting another pigeon and think that "at least that's one thing today that didn't make me want to vomit from pain".

Today I feel like shit

Reality comes back, bared teeth, hot breath. Sharp claws resting against my throat.

I freeze up, feel sick. My appetite dissappears and I get tired and apathetic. Crawl up inside, eyes tightly closed. But the monster is real and won't go away.

More invisible clawmarks on my skin. More deep and painful wounds. Unbearable pain. Failure, again. Always.

Depression diary

Hello. The other day I wrote on Facebook that depression feels different at different times. I wrote that it felt like I was drowning in black slime.

Today I feel tired. Thoughts don't work. My head hurts really bad. I know I should be doing things but the pain makes me confused.

And a bit nauseated.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

What happened? I am crawling out of my own skin. I am drowning, exploding. I am out of balance, spinning too quickly, wavering. I can’t focus. White noise fills my head.

I am not inside my body. I am not in contact with my head. I am a storm of inspiration and angst and I need to get it out of me, it crawls out of my fingers, my eyes, it makes me shudder, it makes me nauseous.

I feel like I am trapped inside myself without being able to control myself. I am watching the world through my own eyes. I am writhing in pain inside myself, I am watching myself writhe in pain, I feel non-human.

I want to go home.

ouch

So I did something with my shoulder - while sleeping I guess - and today it hurts so much it almost makes me dizzy. I have no idea what's up with that but if it still hurts tomorrow I'm going to the doctor or something.

Tonight I'm making the best stew ever for myself and Maria, and she promised to help me go through some stuff since I keep everything and I really can't do that. But I did find a place that sends parcels up to 30 kilos for 50 euros. That's pretty good I guess. Gonna have another look around.

The place I'm hopefully moving into has no rooms until thursday, in a week in other words, and I have to be out of the house by monday, so... Hmm. Life is exiting.

My shoulder hurts! Feel sorry for me! If there's any other news I forget it due to PAIN.

Oh yeah I remember! A new favorite web comic, Dovecote Crest!

Listening to: Hedningarna - Gorrlaus

EDIT: This post is dedicated to Hannah, one of the best midgets ever.

travel

On the road again, pretty soon. But I'm just going to Lund. Or it's not so just, but I wont be going anywhere else. And woop! Joe is coming with me for a few days! We'll be arriving in Lund on the eighteenth and we'll be staying in my apartment. It feels great but I think it's gonna feel weird going back with no Ida here. She left today and I was crying most of the morning.

Been keeping busy reading webcomics like Girls with Slingshots and Hark, a Vagrant. I realized that there's a chance I like female comic artists better. I pretty much love comics, and there are lot's of male comic artists on my list of favourites, but the very very best ones often turn out to be women.

And then there's a crazy amount of crap. That's the nice thing about the internets. The crap. The unbelievable amounts of crap. And other stuff. I love finding pearls of niceness in the ocean of random bad and/or boring stuff. Haha.

Well, from the nineteenth this month and about a week forward I'll be giving away stuff, hugs, books, furniture, teacups, cd's, clothes, ducks, more stuff and some other stuff and accepting drinks, hugs and hangouts. You can't have my skiis though. I want to keep them. And a couple of other things. But apart from that, lot's of free stuff for pretty much anyone who shows up and grabs it! Yay! (Also you can spy on my handsome boyfriend.)

Also yeah not really getting used to that concept holy cow boyfriend? Wow. It's scary and awesome but mostly we have lot's and lot's of fun. Like the other day when we went to the beach and I hurt my foot. Uhm. Crappy anecdote yeah but it was a really good day. My foot still hurts.

Yeah scary stuff, boyfriends.


Listening to: Rachid Taha - Ida (by coincidence!)

trying to shut up

There is so much I would want to write. So much going on in my head. I'm thinking about one single thing all the time, I can't make the thoughts go away. I can't make the feelings go away. I wrote that I would try to hold on to the anger, but I don't really have that in me. I'm not an angry person. 

I just lost all hope. Now all I have is emptiness. Really, I know how that sounds. And I promise that I haven't started hanging out outside of Tesco with the other emo kids. But I feel numb. 

I really want to tell you about how work is good, got my new computer and everything, and how I bleached Hannah's hair last night and had some pasta and a glass of wine with her and Eoghan, or how we where out at Mahon Point with Carin on thursday and I bought a new boat-picture, or how everything is good and I'm happy. It's true too. 

I have trouble sleeping, falling in my dreams and waking up with my heart racing, and when I really do sleep I have nightmares. 

We had so much fun. I was happy. It's all so different now. 

So yeah... Failing at shutting up. Well. It doesn't matter. If anyone actually missed that I'm feeling like shit I would be surprised. 

It all comes down to this: the only thing I hope for now is actually that he's happy. I really want him to be happy. 

I try to cling to reality and that's hard. I try to focus on things I need to do; my room is a mess, I have stuff I need to sort out, I should probably do some laundry. There's a party tonight. I want to go there and be happy. 

Instead I'm wondering how it can hurt so much. How is it possible that I can feel this physical pain? Still? After so long? I don't get it. 

Fuck it.

stand tall

So I reach my limit and I break down and I'm lost in darkness and I loose all hope and I fight through it and go insane and start laughing at the pain and shake it off and go back to normal.

Normal in ths situation being shutting up about how I feel until I reach my limit and it repeats.

I can't really talk about it. I am surrounded by people who care about me and who I care about but I don't tell them anything and I feel kinda bad shutting them out but I don't have a choice.

But I'm cool. I hold it together. I have a stable ground of happiness to build myself on.

It's strange, to be happy and still hurt so much.

And I'm sorry but it does really hurt. Of course it hurts. I can't think of anything but you.

Today work was kinda slow. I got a really nice email saying that my support was great and stuff. I was a bit insane and funny and it's really easy to be happy in my workplace. It's so nice to have Ida and Hannah back. And me and Maria ate taco fries for dinner, and gingerbread (peppercookie!) dough for dessert while watching Buffy and Angel. I'm almost done knitting a baby hat for Carolines baby again since the first one I did was to small. After that I'm going to finish three christmas presents, and then I'll have to take it easy with the knitting for a while if I want to finish all the christmas cards and stuff...

And I'm dreaming about going to America, or getting lazer eye surgery. But I get my new glasses on friday and they are so gorgeous that I might want to keep my bad eye sight. So I'll probably just keep paying debts untill they're payed.

Tomorrow I'm making gingerbread dough, not the kind I ate today, which is prefab, but the real real kind, that's tricky to make without a machine. But I'll give it my best. And hopefully I'll make it. And maybe have a beer with Ida later. On friday, exept for getting my glasses, we have a team dinner, which will probably be awesome, as they tend to be.

There. Back to normal.

Listening to: Tracy Chapman - Collection

cuts like a knife

It's been a good day. This day. I thought it would be pretty rough and possibly dramatic, but it was good.

So why does my heart feel so bad?

How can the pain not get any less painful? How come, everytime it resurfaces, it hurts so much?

You make everything else go away.

I'll write about all the other surprises of the day later.

sitting in bed

...eating Hongkong style sweet and sour chicken with noodles from the Chinese takeaway around the corner. The sun is setting, the air goes blue, everything feels more distant.

My leg hurts like shit. I guess from the running. So no more untill it stops hurting.

Today has been a shitty day. Everyone has been in a grumpy mood at work. I have been so tired I almost felt depressed, and it's not really better now, exept that I'm home, wich is good.

Well, I'm not depressed. I'm happy actually. Beneath the shitty mood. Happy to have friends that I can trust even though the situation is kinda rough on us both. Happy that I have the complete Nirvana discography. Happy that we're going to IKEA in just a couple of weeks.

This morning I realized I'm going back to Sweden on thursday. I kinda thought it was next week. I don't really want to go back again so soon, as might have mentioned, especially since I wont be going south at all. Well, I'm going to stay with Emilia for a night or two and I really look forward to late nights of talking and maybe playing some cards.

Now for some more food before I clean the kitchen and the upstairs bathroom. And play some wow.

**** this ****.

It's evening. Getting late. The sky is still bright. (Can't find a word as good as the swedish one; skymning.)

Today has been a shitty day. Truly. In many ways, some of which I am going to tell you about right now:

1. A flying roll of toiletpaper attacked my ear. No, really. A big, industrial style, roll of toiletpaper, came out of nowhere and hit my ear. It hurt like shit. (It was tossed by an innocent friend of mine, who was not aiming for my ear at all.) It hit my headset and I was kinda unbalanced and naceous for a couple of hours.


2. Something happened, that I knew was going to happen, but it still caught me off guard and it made me feel really sad.


3. One hour overtime. I died. Vista sucks. People who buy Vista computers for their kids suck.


4. Our team, once so proud, "played" worse than non-trained monkeys. Worst game ever. My interest in football is now dead.

I woke up this morning, realized happily that Chuck Norris had not killed me in my sleep, watched my favourite TV-series Fantaghiro, ate great breakfast of sandwiches with Kalles Guld and coffee, everything felt great. High hopes. But no.

Ok, there has been good stuff as well. It's been kinda calm at work (exept for that crazy Irish customer who flirted shamelessly with me despite being 70 and possibly a former soldier from the Foreign Legion, that was just scary). Good lunch. (Cookie!) A nice meeting with the boss. (Bosses actually.) I live and work with my friends, who I really like and care about, which is nice.

But yeah, all in all it sucks. (Exept the cookie.)

Yes, you like this overusage of links. You find it amusing and witty.