love and anti social behaviors

I love people so much and I'm so scared of them and I demand more from them than they can ever give. Because I had so many incredible people in my life. People who were honest and loving. "You expect everyone to be Jesus" a friend said, but I don't, I just expect people to be as good as I know that they can be. I'm scared of being rejected so I reject. If I push everyone away then they can't hurt me.

So if anyone in my life does anything that I perceive as "wrong", I will decide that they are unworthy and not trust them anymore. But I will treat others "wrong" and demand that they accept me. This is a "thought trap". A thing I do to stay in my little mental pit of despair because just sitting at the bottom, moping, is easier than climbing, because climbing means the possibility of falling.

I need to demand more of myself and accept others. I do have so much love for everyone but I push it down, deep inside me, until it's rotten and horrible. Then I get it out and show it to myself as some kind of proof that the world is bad. I have to stop doing that, that is just nuts.

Rejection is a part of life. I don't want to be so scared of everything. I can't just sit in my room and never call anyone and never ask if anyone want's to hang out out of fear of rejection and the feeling of being unworthy of other human beings. That's crazy. I really want to figure out how to stop being so nuts.

I'm so happy I have people in my life who stay there and who help me. I'm gonna make it. Let love rule and stuff. I'm gonna be more hippie and less reclusive.

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

What happened? I am crawling out of my own skin. I am drowning, exploding. I am out of balance, spinning too quickly, wavering. I can’t focus. White noise fills my head.

I am not inside my body. I am not in contact with my head. I am a storm of inspiration and angst and I need to get it out of me, it crawls out of my fingers, my eyes, it makes me shudder, it makes me nauseous.

I feel like I am trapped inside myself without being able to control myself. I am watching the world through my own eyes. I am writhing in pain inside myself, I am watching myself writhe in pain, I feel non-human.

I want to go home.

Riot

It turned around. Like when you stay awake for a couple of days and stop being tired, you wake up again. The backup energy kicks in and you're wide awake. It's like that. I stopped feeling sad and angry and just accepted everything and laughed.

Or maybe I'm crazy.

My appetite does that thing, that thing that it does sometimes. Let's say it's resting a bit.

I'm not angry anymore. I can't stay mad at anyone for long.

I woke up this morning expecting to feel sad again, but it's still there. The calm.