Much too much

It feels like I'm losing control, like the world is spinning too fast and existence is an illusion.

I don't know what I need or what I should do, don't know what's right or wrong, don't know anything at all except that it feels bad to go to bed alone after a few nights with him.

So much things spinning around in my head right now. Too much. Chaos fills me.

He left just a few hours ago and we skyped for two after he came home. And I still miss him so much. When we're together I get stressed out from feeling like I have to make every second count. I can't relax. When we're apart I just want to be with him. I feel stupid, like a stupid kid. He's just the most wonderful person, I can't even explain how good he is. He's so much better than me. He's so kind and loving and caring and I'm mostly a nervous wreck. I'm demanding and grumpy and rude and in general just a bitch. (To everyone! And if I'm not then I'm probably really tense. I don't have the energy to be nice.)

I don't deserve him and I know it's a cliché and I know I'm being stupid but he's so much better than me. He has the most beautiful personality. He's so funny and cuddly and warm.

I want to be close to him all the time. I'm scared that I'm being too ... obsessed.

Shrink tomorrow. And so much stuff happening the next few days that my stomach hurts just thinking about it.

I probably need to be alone for a couple of days. But I won't. To much to do. I hate everything a little.

keeping secrets

Sometimes I just can't let go, like, I get a thought in my head and I can't stop repeating it, going over it from every angle, kinda... obsessing. I hate it. I hate myself when I can't just let go. I really try not to think about it, but it comes creeping into my mind as soon as I let my guard down.

I think I need a creative outlet. And I need to start working out. I'm going to start with capoeira again. And maybe start running. If I only could find a sportbra that would fit me... I've put on some kilos since I came here.

If I want to have any hope of getting into anyone else's pants I think I should make sure I get into my own first.