Saturday 24 January 2015

Angsty angst

Today my heart is hurting. I long to be loved with passion, loved above all others.

But I am too broken. Too broken to be loved for real, too broken to love, to give good love. 

I am too worthless in my own eyes. I am too disgusting and ugly and stupid. 

I know I'm wrong but that doesn't mean I don't believe it. 

I'm smart and broken, I make people uncomfortable with my weakness and strength, my stupidity and my intelligence. I always think that people will understand things that I understand. But they don't. Expect the smartest ones of course. And they understand me too well. I never realized before that I might actually be really smart, and that that is one of my problems. 

Yesterday I realized that I'm not supposed to know when people are lying. Like white lies. Everyday lies. "I'm tired" instead of "I'm so sad". I always answer the meaning instead of the actual words and that makes people annoyed and I'm too stupid to even realize it. I'm too stupid to realize that I'm smart. It's stupid. 

I started figuring it out the last year or so and by now people I truly trust have told me so many times that I actually started believing it. But of course it's not something you should talk about. 

It's stupid. I'm smart and beautiful and I don't believe in it. And I can't talk about it. Because you don't say stuff like that. 

The smartest people I know respect me. That should really be enough. 

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