It makes me crazy! It takes so much time and energy to force myself into a good mood - sometimes a couple of days - and when I get into a mental state where I can get stuff done the smallest shitty thing can push me right off balance. I woke up early today, felt good about it, and started doing this mental thing where I just focus super hard on making a sort of schedule in my head, like "I'm going to do the vacuuming, then go to the shop, then get my bike to the fixey bikey place thing." Like getting to where I can do these things takes longer than actually doing the things. And I do the vacuuming and feel great about it (especially since it's a physical thing and I need more movement) and then there's a small thing, in this case a thing someone said, that just takes all the air out of me. I trip and tumble down from that little mental mountaintop. It wasn't anything bad or anything, the thing that the person said. Just something.
Sometimes I have my mental schedule done and I'm trying to build up the willpower to do stuff and then I realize that it's taken too long and everything is too late and I just break down inside.
I'm sick of it. I'm so sick of being weak and fragile and sensitive. My stomach hurts from stress and there's no reason for me to feel stressed out. I want to cry.
Wednesday, 18 February 2015
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