Rage

I get angry from the new meds. I hate it. Because I have good reasons. I should be angry. But I can't waste my energy on that. I'm saving it up for later, and now this new medicine is fucking it all up. It pisses me off even more!

I don't want to be this insanely sensitive, I don't want to be this confused, I don't want to be angry. Not right now. 

In other news: when people tell me I'm strong I want to punch them. Normally I would just feel the sting inside me and shrug it off but now I feel so fucking provoked. 

If I was strong I would have a job. I would do things. I would have some kind of control over my life. Strength is a specific thing, you can't just say that people are strong when they're not strong! How can you think that you're being kind and helpful? Do you not understand what you're saying?

Do you tell people in wheelchairs that they are really good at walking? Do you tell someone who is mute that they speak beautifully?

I'm not strong. Why the fuck would you keep saying that all the time? Because I don't kill myself? Well neither do you obviously? So shut the fuck up. Fuck you, go to hell, stop talking. The only strength I have is that I don't cry, or punch people, when someone says that I'm strong. That I just say NO and refuse to speak about it. Seriously, I hardly leave my room. I stay in bed. I'm really passive about everything. I have no energy at all. I don't fucking eat. What the fuck do you even mean when you say I'm strong? Seriously? What is it that you mean? I really want to know!


--- edit ---
Yeah I totally realize that it might be confusing with a rant like this on a blog called "stronger" but the thing is that I'm trying to get stronger, and that's kind of the point of the blog title. It used to be called "stranger" when I was moving around in the world. Now I'm back where I grew up, trying to grow up again. If I was strong I would have called the blog something else. Like... "already strong, everything is fine". And write about fun stuff instead.