Wednesday 25 February 2015


How can I feel so shitty one second and then a few moments later feel like a teenager?

I think it could be related. The excitement causes adrenaline. The adrenaline makes me feel sick. I feel nauseated, dizzy, my stomach hurts. There's fear, fear that he'll realize that I'm just a weirdo, that I'm not pretty or fun or anything good. 

I know those thoughts are wrong. I know I'm smart and funny and stuff. I know I'm worth ... what he gives me.

The fear that I'll mess up.

The physical stuff is worse. The nausea, the shivers, that I can't kill with logic. The physical reaction to the adrenaline.

I guess I can try to do something about it. Something else than just thoughts, breathing exercises or something, like J used to help me do when I had panic attacks all the time when I still lived in Stockholm.

I do feel like a teenager tho. Like soda bubbles fill my body.

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