Thursday 12 February 2015

I hate everything

Guess my good mood is over. Today I was hoping on seeing three of my friends. One of them canceled our plan. One of them decided against it. One of them just preferred other people. 

I'm too sensitive. I really thought this would be a day full of ... Fun. 

Fuck everybody. People are rude, or thoughtless, or just don't care. I know I'm difficult and energy consuming. I know I'm not fun to hang out with. I just wish people where open with their lack of intention instead of letting me believe in them and then be disappointed. 

I should be a hermit. And live in a cave and never speak to anyone ever again. Then at least people can't let me down. 

I hate being so sensitive. I hate needing people. I hate trusting people. I hate everybody and everything. Fuck. 

The problem is maybe that I do need them. Everyone needs people. Both in general and specific ones. But I guess you're supposed to pretend like you don't? Like you'd prefer to be alone but can graciously allow other people near you?

I won't, because that's fucking weird. So being with me turns into a chore I think. I'm not anything that anyone needs. I'm dead weight, a charity case. 

I feel so hurt. But no one really did anything wrong. Not one of these three - some of my closest friends - knew that they became part of a pattern. Not one of them knew that they became part of a three way disappointment within minutes from each other. 

All of them did, tho, do what they and others always do - see me as a last resort. If they had time left from important things. If they didn't find anything better to do. Then they'd def see me! Ofc! I'm def top priority from the list of things they don't really care about. 

I feel so tired. My head hurts. I hate being a sensitive whiny little bitch. I hate it. I hate myself for being this boring fuckhead that people don't really like. I hate the catch 22 thing I'm stuck in.

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