I will lie

From now on. I can't be myself and still have people stand me. The people who can handle me are so few and so scattered across the globe. I can't even stand me so how can I expect others to?

I know that some of the people who do care about me read this, and I guess some people who don't know me, but not many people that are a part of my life will ever see this. That's okay. That's kind of the point actually. 

To the people who know me and have some kind of contact with me - if I seem to feel better it's not true, but don't tell anyone, it's okay. 

I don't know if I even can. I haven't really worn masks at all for a long time. I just always felt like if people like me I want them to like the real me, but now I really just want people to like me. I want to be treated as a normal person. Not some kind of freak. Not a person who needs to be told that I'm strong. 

I can't stand hurting the ones who do care either. I can't stand watching them feel powerless and sad because they can't do anything to ease the pain that I'm in. 

I've lost some really good friends because of this depression. People who cared too much. Who wanted to help but couldn't. Who had to distance themselves because it's impossible to constantly try to be helpful and supportive to a depressed person. It's just impossible. Human beings can't do that. It's horrible of me to put others through that. 

I can't stop being depressed but I can stop showing it. I'll still write about it here and I have a shrink now. I don't really think he can help me, cbt is bull shit. I don't have phobias or OCD's. It's not a behavior I need to change. I hate the medical system. 

Anyway, I'll start smiling and try even harder to not cry and not let anyone get close enough to see the truth. It's not hard. No one really wants to be that close anyway. I don't want them there. They all leave or stay and suffer and both those things are bad. Both those things hurt so much. So I don't think it will be hard. 

It won't really be a lie. Everyone else does it. It's not a lie if everyone does it, it's just what's expected. What humans do. Hide their pain and pretend to be normal. Pretend like normal exists and that it's something else than it actually is.